garbagegirlyouwouldntevenknowher

[garbagegirlyouwouldntevenknowher]

nothing is more defeating than losing someone's benefit of the doubt. like loosing a friend hurts- someone hating you over a disagreement or not making time for you bc of scheduling or other priorities still hurts, but it makes sense. like we see how we got there, and then our relationship changed. but someone suddenly and dismissively interpreting everything you say and do in a negative, ignorant or opposing light is just ??? I don't know how we got here. I didn't think our values had changed. I'm making the same jokes we always have- that you still do? why are you not curious anymore? why don't you want to understand me? why am I suddenly not worthy of that to you?

like ouch man- what deemed me no longer deserving of being known?

[garbagegirlyouwouldntevenknowher]

I've been having trauma come back up with some fierce vengeance recently that seems to want to sweep in and strike this paralysing debilitating bolt through my body for a few moments. Memories rushing in- minds eye forced wide open like those ocular contraptions they use for eye surgery you have no choice but to be awake for.

And they physically hurt? They've caused my neck to jerk out and body tense and contort for a moment- I get the shivers, my eyes roll- and then I just have to shake it out and get on with whatever I'm doing.

The image that keeps going through my wee autistic mind is literally the spiderverse glitching? Just this debilitating out of nowhere splitting and ripping of existence- all these fragments pulling out at once- tense strings and shapes forced apart and snapped back together again.

[garbagegirlyouwouldntevenknowher]

I have this hopesless romantic idea of self-love that can only be soothed through rewatching Moonknight until I throw up