gender-is-a-scamm - Tumblr blog

[gender-is-a-scamm]

And you don′t need to fit into any boundaries or into any boxes. You can be anything and everything that you've ever wanted to be all at the same time

Everything that contradicts itself can coexist in harmony.

-Miley Cyrus

[gender-is-a-scamm]

Okay I don’t have my journal with me but I really felt like journaling so I’m gonna post my thoughts. I’m actually doing really good rn. I’m very proud because I fell like I’m starting to be able to manage my life and my emotions. I have worked through so many memories, was able to educate myself about the roots of my triggers and learned how to stay calm and not suppress my emotions. Instead of suppressing them I started to just inform my partner how I’m feeling. The next step is gonna be to improve the relationship to myself so I can soothe my inner child myself. I started walking to school, getting up early to have time for myself in the morning, so I won’t leave the house being stressed. And I started eating healthier food so my body gets everything it needs and no food waste. I’m so proud of me trying to implement all these healthy habits into my life and my own strength. It’s so good to do all this for myself because I absolutely deserve to avoid stress at all cost. I deserve time with myself and I deserve taking all the time I need. I’m living for myself and not for others. It’s important to make my own experiences and learn what is best for me. And I’ll keep choosing myself and working with myself and loving myself. I can give myself everything I need and I’m gonna love myself and give it to me. I’m gonna provide a healthy and loving environment in my own body and surroundings for my inner child. I’m proud to reach this point in my healing journey and to be able to say this.

[gender-is-a-scamm]

Okay so can someone help me please? I’m meeting new people but the problem is that I’m meeting them in the presence of my partner… and I don’t know why but this stresses me out so much. I know I can trust my partner and I dont feel anxious around him, but around new people. On the other hand, when I’m on my own with new people I don’t feel that anxious, just a little stressed. I feel uneasy because I wanna be relaxed around my partner and don’t wanna be unauthentic to him. But I have the urge to mask around new people until I trust them. I can’t survive without masking around them, but I can’t mask around my partner agggajsbebfkdnsb

[gender-is-a-scamm]

Am I the narcissist? Am I hurting my partner? I know I can’t express my emotions in a very healthy way sometimes. I really try tho. Sometimes that just doesn’t work because my trauma comes up again. When he gets frustrated with me I feel so worthless and wrong and I get really emotional. And I am really sad that I can’t be strong for him because I feel so broken sometimes. And I can’t feel my feelings which is very unhealthy. I wanna let it out but I don’t feel like I’m safe to do that. I feel like I am too much. I know he needs a strong partner so I try to be strong and not broken.

Honestly I just wanna vomit because everything is so bottled up inside of me. I try to let it out. I really try. But then there is just another drop and it’s too much for me again.

I think my mom is a victim of abuse. I don’t even know if she has narcissistic tendencies. Maybe he just says that and he isn’t correct? I don’t even know if my childhood was okay and I’m just dramatic about things. I need another person to tell me what I should do or feel or think. Being on my own is too much. I cant be a person. And he tells me I have narcissistic tendencies too, just like my mom. And that makes me feel even worse, because that would make me the bad guy and I don’t wanna be bad. I wanna be okay. I wanna be okay the way I am and not worry about that. This is so hard and stressful and draining… I feel overwhelmed. Because I try to be the perfect person for him everyday but I just can’t do it. Is that narcissistic? Having to be perfect? Probably

So what should I do? Trying to be perfect or not trying to be perfect? I know people say everyone is perfect by being imperfect. But I feel like they also say that my imperfections are not okay.

I know why narcissists try to own their narcissism, because it feels like being demonized. And not being able to change that so they become what they are expected to be. It’s like giving up. Because it’s fucking overwhelming trying to be good.

I feel like I can’t face my demons because that would kill me. It’s devastating to get in touch with my demons. Especially if I do it to make them go away, if I see them as my imperfection.

The truth is, I don’t know how to deal with myself or with life, or other people.

[gender-is-a-scamm]

First of all - I’ve had my official namechange and now I don’t feel like a fraud anymore

Second of all

I’m watching happiest season and I’m crying because Harper is suffering from this narcissistic household like I did. Lying to everyone about being a lesbian. Straight in the face. I’ve been there. And she got so angry and I cried so hard because I know how it is. You feel completely trapped. Just can’t go one way and you can’t go the other one and what remains is just stress. I think I might have CPTSD. Symptoms are overlapping with borderline, which I had thought that I might have, but it didn’t really fit. I’m also diagnosed with ADHD and the symptoms also overlap very much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just know I’m constantly stressed out. And I’m loosing memories. I can’t recall things I’ve experienced in my childhood, it’s all blurry. And sometimes when I’m watching movies like this, I feel the emotions again but it’s like they were always there, I‘d just forgotten that they’re there. I have to journal so I don’t forget what happens.

[gender-is-a-scamm]

Void cat but space, with moon for eyes~

[gender-is-a-scamm]

My partner is back from vacation and I am so stressed again… yesterday was fine but I had a hard time falling asleep. In the past I have bothered him with my restlessness so I tried to stay as calm as possible. I just scratched my skin a little bit and I assumed that he must have heard that if he wasn’t asleep. And in that moment he pushed my shoulder which he does sometimes when he wants me to stop. He wasn’t as gentle as normally though. In that moment all my happiness I’ve build with myself while he was gone, faded and I was back in my loop of bad thoughts. And it hit me so much harder because I was so calm before that happened. My head screamed at me that I have bothered him again and he’s annoyed by me and I should just leave him alone because he hates me and my restlessness. So I left to sort my head out and came back later to talk to him. He said that he was asleep and didn’t even consciously touch me.

I don’t know I just can’t live with my head anymore. Just one thing and I’m lost. I’m feeling very hopeless right now. Maybe my head will never be okay. I can’t get into therapy right now because nobody has time. All therapists have too many appointments and no time left so I guess I’ll just have to deal with it on my own

[gender-is-a-scamm]

What I, in fact, didn’t realize, was that it was indeed harmful to me. And I’m still struggling with this certain situation where I locked myself into the bathroom and she kept talking to me through the door, telling me to open it and not accepting my no. Then telling me that it’s the wrong path for me and lovebombing me for gaslighting purposes.

And that she’s a narcissist, who doesn’t want the best for me, but only for herself.

God I am soo angry

My mom is having a hard time accepting my identity. Not in a dangerous way for me. She just struggles with the realization that its a valid thing for me to be. She really is in her denial phase. She tells me not to go on t because it would be too fast and not to talk to someone that can prove that I’m in fact nonbinary for health insurance issues and stuff. Instead the wants me to talk to a therapist because she thinks I’m on the wrong track and i wasn’t always this way. I know she does that because it’s a process to realize it and she really loves me and only wants the best for me.

[gender-is-a-scamm]

My mom screaming at me

Me: trying not to breathe too heavily and not to blink too much so she won’t think I’m affected by the things she’s saying

[gender-is-a-scamm]

I think my mom gave me money to buy love and approval.

It’s all so fucked up. I don’t know how to trust her anymore. I really wish her intentions are upright.

Reminds me of the fight where she constantly told me she loved me but it felt like lovebombing so I would be submissive again. Telling me she thinks I’ve lost the path and she loves me the other second while invading my space and not respecting my boundaries.

[gender-is-a-scamm]

My mom never respected a decision I made… She told me to get a job when I was 15 and it’s okay to tell me that. Especially when you don’t have so much money as a parent they can tell me: „hey it would be very helpful if you got that job so you can be a little more independent“ and other things. They told me it would help me to be a little more confident and stuff. I get it, they thought it would be the best for me. They had good intentions. But I really didn’t want to work there. I wasn’t confident at all to interact with other people, because I felt so small and had so much shame inside of me. I was so afraid of making mistakes and this felt absolutely way too big for me. I felt like fucking it up the second I breathed. I was anxious. But I didn’t know how to deal with it and nobody ever told me how.

I told them I didn’t want to work there and they pushed harder so I surrendered.

But on the other hand I’m really sad that they never told me to listen to myself. You know respecting my decision to say no. Never taught me how important it was to be able to depend on myself. My mom never learned that herself, and she has some narcissistic traits, so obviously she wanted me to depend on her. And by telling me that she knows what’s best for me, she taught me that my opinion is not important. I didn’t learn to live a self-determined life. I suppressed my emotions because I couldn’t deal with them. I can’t trust my mom, because she makes decisions for me and I also can’t trust myself, because the decisions I make are invalid.

[gender-is-a-scamm]

The day before I got my T prescription I finished reading Felix ever after and this book was a perfect summary of my trans experience. It felt like drawing the world tarot card

[gender-is-a-scamm]

I can be your barbie

I can say sorry

I can do whatever you want

Go ahead and slap me

If it makes you happy

Use and abuse me

Till I’m gone

Go on make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

Give me more complaints

You’re real I’m just a fake

[gender-is-a-scamm]

My mom: I wish we didnt just have you as our child because you’re always in our focus. We keep asking ourselves what we did wrong, that you’re making the choices you’re making. Transitioning, changeing your name, moving in with your boyfriend when you don’t have money. We didn’t raise you like that. We thought we were good parents

What I hear: you’re a disappointment. If we had other kids they could take the role of the golden child because you’re just the scapegoat

[gender-is-a-scamm]

I feel so trapped here. I can’t leave my partner behind, but i don’t wanna stay here

[gender-is-a-scamm]

These thoughts are here again and I’m not surprised, I actually feel like an old friend is home again after a long time

[gender-is-a-scamm]

Never ever tell your child that if they kill themselves it would break you and you would kill yourself too. It makes them feel guilty for making you sad when they feel sad. And then they’ll not only feel sad but guilty too.

Work through it together. Please…