gender-related-panic-attack

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"its not safe for me to transition right now" girl have you read the news its not safe to drink milk or eat medium rare cheeseburgers or go in public without a respirator anymore stop making excuses lets get you some estrogen

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I'm kinda tired of people telling me that's it's "too much effort" to remember.... just say you don't care. Yes, pronouns are just words, but words convey meaning! It shows you want to create a space that makes people feel comfortable.

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posting this here so i never lose it bc i think abt it every day

(from this comp)

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"There is a sadness in this world, for we are ignorant of many things. Yes. We are ignorant of many beautiful things. Things like the truth. So sadness, in our ignorance, is very real. The tears are real."

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When I misgender myself

Look, I dont think or speak in the third person often. But when I do, I am still worried about using the pronouns I have given myself.

My friends are fantastic for updating how they refer to me almost immediately. I dont expect them to have it nailed down within moments, they've known me for years one way and I've asked them to change. they make the effort, slip up on occasion, but they put in the work.

Which makes it worse that I can't get it right myself.

Usually it's at work, please see the previous post on my work place, that I default to female pronouns. it just makes things easier.

Which should not be the point.

I went to buy a new binder and cried while trying it on because I hadn't felt that comfortable in my self since lord knows when. And having my friends call me they/them gives me that same feeling.

Basically the wrap up is that I need to find some value in myself blah blah blah OR continue being a wee baby cus I'm use to shoving myself in the tiny shitty box. My spine has grown to the angles, it'll take a while to straighten up

That will be the only straight part of me.

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New ways to hate myself, again

I cannot overstate how long the last three weeks have felt. Which is why when I went back to check how long my adventure had been I nearly chocked on my diet tonic water. In the past couple weeks I've been working out what my presentation is going to be, what feels right, and dealing with the fact that it could change. Step one was hair cut, it wasn't 100% what I wanted but it was close enough. In a fun twist of fate, they went shorter than what I asked. I usually cut my own hair but decided on letting a professional have a go at the bleached and dyed, overgrown mop that I had. Hot tip, if you want a more masculine cut tell the barber that you are going BACK to a shorter length. They are way less weird about you knowing what you want if you say you've already done it. Or just go to a 'male centred' actual barber shop. Like a Tommy Gun, or a local place if you can find em. Most of them do not give a shit, and if you want a hard part it's usually better. It's hair. It'll grow back if you don't like it. Have no fear. Binding is my new favourite thing. The one I have isn't great for me. It hooks down one side which is nice to have the freedom of how tight I want it to be based on the day. It does however, create a weird indentation across my chest in line with the armpit. Doesn't matter what setting I'm on, it's there. But it's something I can live with till I scrape together the funds to buy a good and proper one. Not a midnight Amazon purchase. My problem is that I have started to dress like every guy I hated in High School. Sweatpants are just so dang comfy. I keep telling myself it's just because it's currently -30 in my home land, but I also think I look hot so..... we'll see what happens in the spring. My fashion has been for the last several years more dark academia/ man who loves swing and tiki. I am a sucker for sweater-vests and dumb patterned short sleeve button ups. The emo/scene to historic dress pipeline is real.

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My works on fire, how 'bout yours?

Ok brothers, I work in a hella conservative industry. Women are required to wear skirts and heals at my company.

it's conservative.

To be clear, I work in post health care. Conservative is the name of the game.

My perception of this has always been we need people to trust us during the worst time of their life so far, you don't need your appearance to be yet another barrier between you and them. Especially being a young, until this point, female presenting individual in an industry where 99% of people are expecting to talk to the oldest, whitest man.

Now I bring this up because my company doesn't have a SINGLE CLUE what to do with me. I just wanna wear pants when male presenting is the vibe, I wanna bind and have 'male' cut vests. BUT this would mean maybe all of the women should be able to wear pants.

They don't let the ladies wear pants when they are required to be outside for extended periods in -40.

On top of the fact that when I dress more masc, I look EVEN YOUNGER. Not helping my 'trust me, I've been doing this for more than a decade' impression.

It's become a major thing at my company. They're trying ish to be cool with it but in the most capitalists trying to be cool with the kids way.

Because of me, every single person in the company has been forced to include their pronouns in their email signatures. Most of them had to have pronouns explained to them (see the a fore mentioned oldest, whites man comment). Meetings have been held. Additional HR staff has been hired.

It has become a THING.

All I want is pants.

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I touched up this old art a little

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What to do next?

Feeling like your entire understanding of your sense of self has changed and still having to go to work and get groceries will really fuck up any joy you briefly had.

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Beetlejuice the Musical Is the Reason, Gender is the Problem, and a third thing probably.

First of all, welcome to this impulse blog I created to document me coming to terms with.... not being CIS? Not being as straight as I often pretend to be? Sleep deprivation? Does wanting to bang a Demon make you a monster fucker? Where is my tea?

You know know, the big questions.

Don't actually know what we're going for here.

Starting with the brief background so we can ALL learn together.

READY? OK?

Hi, my name is undecided, I am a 30 year old gremlin who has been doing the CIS female thing poorly for my entire life up to this point. My partner is male and a problem we may or may not get to. WHO KNOWS. Did I mention the sleep deprivation and poor planning? I have been rocking the 'tom boy' label since my parents first decided that it was totally fine that I only wanted to wear my brothers hand-me-down cargo shorts at the ripe old age of like 5 or 6. People have joked about me being trans my entire life in some form. Trans hasn't been a commonly known term my entire life. I was born in the 1900's shhhhhhhh. At 28 I bought my first binder to better fit into the 7,000 short sleeve men's button ups I own. Thankfully this was the choice after some ill conceived tensor bandage use in my teens, mostly for cosplay. Overall the summary is I am the last to the 'You are obviously not a female presenting person' party.

How did we join the party you ask? Beetlejuice the Musical. I, dear reader, shit you not. SOMEHOW I went 30 YEARS without encountering Beetlejuice the musical. I cannot overstate how DEEP IN MY DUMB, FILTHY WHEELHOUSE THIS MUSICAL IS. And I had NEVER had it come across my desk outside of a vague awareness in my bones that it probably exists. I saw the show on a Tuesday, went back to the venue on Wednesday to raid the merch booth, impulse bought tickets to a second showing on Thursday, saw the show again with the same friend (because they were just as in love as me) on Sunday at 2:00pm, and started my spiral around 11:30 that same Sunday. Since Tuesday I have consumed as much as I could media surrounding the musical as my grubby little paws could find. News reports, fan art, tumblr communities, reddit threads, and, the strwa that finally broke me, AO3.

There are a variety of Beetlejuice related fics, the struggle being WHICH Beetlejuice you want. Films vs cartoon vs musical. I wanted musical.

I demanded musical Beej.

I had become feral for musical Beetlejuice.

I had assumed, incorrectly (spoilers), that the purpose of my life was fuck this fictional undead ghost man.

Now around 1:30 am, a terrible time for any realization, 40 fics deep, I realize I am identifying with the wrong section of the Beetlejuice/reader fics. I am not the female breather getting airlocked by Beetlejuice and several clones. I am one of the penis havers. At a pace that human brains only achieve at hour 22.5 hours of being awake, molasses had lapped my brain several hours ago, I begin to think over my entire life and my relationship with fics and OC's. BEHOLD, my brain had finally dragged it's poor, bloated, zebra stripped, horny, corpse to the party.

My imagined ideal self is not female.

*insert that gif of the dude miming his brain exploding*

It's amazing what happens when your entire life shatters around you but you're too tired to deal. In my case I still had AO3 open so that was the obvious answer. Smash cut to another 12 hours without sleep, sitting on the floor of a chapters, gently weeping while reading a book on the basics of the pronouns they/them while mid grade music that some corporate goon decided gave the vibe of what kids think is 'indie rock' plays just too loudly to be background music overwhelms my delicate psyche.

The Shawn Mullins song Lullaby is not the sound track I wanted to this moment, but here we are.

4:00 on a Monday, about to chop off all my hair, and a message in my group chat asking permission from my four friends to ask them to call me they/them instead of she/her, and a new tumblr blog. (My friends basically said yeah sure, took you long enough.)

I have several main blogs, this just felt like something I need to have on it's own.

So if you made it this far, welcome. The only plan I have at this point is to post updates when I have them on whatever the hell the journey I have started is.

It's 2025 and I no longer wish to have boobs.