generating-functionology

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I started studying the basics of philosophy. I am currently reading A Brief History of Thought: A Philosophical Guide to Living by Luc Ferry, and it's pretty good for beginners! ​​

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moments of a masters degree

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cool new facts

-1 crush on a boy go me. im free

going to a conference full of eldritch algebraic combinatorics horrors the world has not yet seen (actually like 8 people probably have seen them)

i stopped sobbing uncontrollably and grew a pair of BALLS and now have the BEST SPOTIFY PLAYLIST EVER

i am in denial probably

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genuinely wondering if i have some kind of mood disorder

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this is so toxic of me and will definitely bite me in the ass and should've gone to my therapist and not the internet

one of my classmates has never had to struggle ever. ever. this man has wealthy parents whom he lives with, has never paid a bill in his life, has never had to work hard to understand an idea, has the most infuriating sense of optimism i've ever seen, and cannot conceive that others might be suffering worse than he has. It was my one true wish in life for him to finally experience difficulty in the most recent qualifier but it did not come true because he did great.

He told me that he didn't approve of DEI/social programs because he shouldn't be forced to help others he doesn't know.

i just wanted him to experience true failure, true emotional instability, for once in his life, but it really does seem like God favors some people and takes a big fat diarrhea on others.

I don't know, maybe this is a sign for me to just get good. Ugh. I hate that I can't feel happy for this man and I'm only filled with hatred and contempt.

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today: i'm doing chapters 15-16 of Stewart's Calculus: Early Transcendentals.

and some more general analytic practice problems.

and some "fun" math (research-related)

also i'm hanging out with the dude maybe. i'm nervous bc i don't want to be all....neurodivergent and clingy....but i'm so intense i'm trying to dilute my anxiety over possibly not being picked lol

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Summer means more plants, fresh fruit snacks and cherry chai.

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somebody help

someone please restrain me and give me reasons not to text this motherfucker if he wants to hangout before i leave someone strap me down someone please MAKE ME LIKE HIM LESS!!!!!! MAKE ME NONCHALANT!!!!!!

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above: some mysterious island once upon a time off the coast of nova scotia

so.....

beach plans fell through with my friends this week, which sucks because I'll be gone for the next 3 weeks. In that time I won't be able to hang out with this dude I like, and I feel like it's all for nothing and he doesn't even like me like that anyway so I'm just gonna give up talking to him. besides he'll probably wind up dating/fucking some other girl who's less of a mess.

today in order to expel the demons i had to go running again. i ran 5 miles even though my favorite trail was flooded. each time i got one of those invasive thoughts like he doesn't even like you, in fact no one likes you, you're a stupid piece of shit, never trust anything a man says to you, he's going to get bored of you and stop talking to you i'd run faster and chant to myself

focus on the pain and not that other bullshit,

which i know is corny but when put to rhyme it had a nice cadence for a running quickly:

fo-cus on-the pain-and not-that oth-er bull-shit

and then i wound up going faster than I went yesterday, so at least there's that. i think a lot of the time in order to prevent myself from sabotaging my relationships i need to work out. like, translate the emotional pain to physical pain for an extended duration.

anyway, the plan today is:

practice problems off the analysis review sheets,

more on double integrals with polar coordinates & surface integrals & cylindrical coordinates.

maybe buy myself an ice cream bc i fucking deserve one

either that or chug a vodka soda and eat broccoli

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instagram | photos are my own, reblogs fine, do not repost/reuse

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this goes without saying

FUCK

ICE

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so I finally sucked it up and looked at my exam feedback. It wasn't as bad as I initially thought. A lot of it was related to small details that were missing or misleading, nothing truly heinous (save of course me not knowing how to do multivariable calculus.)

...Yay?

Also reviewed up to double integration of solids using polar coordinates. We haven't gotten to the Divergence Theorem though we're getting close.

Ngl there's this dude who has a fat crush on me and whom I've spurned countless times, and yet, he doesn't seem to want to take the hint. Recently he offered to grade my work. He punctuated his email with "you can only improve from here :)" and i know it was irrational but i so wanted to fucking choke him out LOL STOP BEING CONDESCENDING AND JUST TELL ME I'M SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU!!!!

I'm sitting in my parents' garden and getting bitten by skeeters. Tomorrow I wanna keep going with multivariable calc in addition to doing some other practice problems out of Rudin.

also wtf is my algorithm turning into yoinks

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(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ real analysis week 2 (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

yeah, so, last week's verdict (by two independent reviewers) wasn't great. And as predicted the central culprit was multivariable calculus. However, I still have a lot of other areas for improvement.

This morning I ran six miles to get out the rage and frustration I feel over how much I struggle with this fuckass subject. Algebra is so much more delightful, so much easier. It's easy to make intuitive inferences with algebra. Just play around, manipulate your objects, find some isomorphisms, maybe do some induction. Divide if you can. Find nilpotent elements if you can't. Etc. etc. etc. Or if I'm working with a graph. Idk, delete that vertex, see what happens. Hell. What are the important vertices? What if we can find a partition of vertices with certain structural properties----

But no, these are the things that cause my brain to short-circuit. Those who are more versed in analytic techniques will probably laugh at me:

take a series, like

this little bastard is in Rudin's Principles of Mathematical Analysis, pp. 62. I wish I had reviewed the text more thoroughly before taking the exam, because this was a question on the winter qualifier. I initially looked at the series and felt my chest fill up with the pain and anguish of my ancestors. I knew that this looked like some form of application of a p-series test. I thought maybe I could find a p-series which bounded this series from above, and via the Comparison Test for Infinite Series, I'd obtain the result. I didn't know what to do from there, or how to express the larger p-series. I wasted a good amount of time trying to obtain the bound which wasn't obvious to my panicking brain.

In the back of my mind, I thought maybe I could use a lesser-known convergence test, which says

I couldn't remember what the terms of this series were, so it was a dead-end for me on the exam. Turns out this was the correct way to go. But I had zero intuition as to how this fuckass technique was the one to use. I just look at these types of problems and suffer complete paralysis, almost like I'm afraid of going down the wrong rabbit hole. I think it's also because it isn't immediately obvious what I should do - too many times I've been misled by functions that seemed like they behaved well for small values of n but then pop off as n approaches infinity.

So today the plan is

go running to silence the voices (done)

pilates (10 min)

multivariable calculus review

review the practice exam

practice problems related to strugglebus areas on that exam

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Vastly undermined are the priceless comforts woven within the humdrum life. There's safety in certainty, and fulfilment in the liberty that comes with it.

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67/100

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𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖘 𝖇𝖗𝖔𝖐𝖊 𝖎𝖓 𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖋𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖒𝖔𝖓𝖞