ghostberriiesss

[ghostberriiesss]

huuuuge fan of little phrases you can add to the end of your sentences just for fun. "if you even care" and "btw" and "I fear" have done sooo much for my vocabulary. if you even care

[ghostberriiesss]

in general, if i was asked what i thought on steve going back in time, i would say that there was no way that he dedicated all of his time to finding his best friend (lover) who had suffered for over 70 years and finally had something to look forward to in life just for him to leave him for peggy.

it was selfish because she was married with kids and was happy. also, he talked to her before she died, went to her funeral, etc. like steve that part of your life is over. you kissed her once and both moved on with your lives.

BUT

if i was asked what i REALLY thought, i would say steve was in love with bucky for as long as he's known him but had mistaken it for platonic love due to the time period.

he dated many girls, but he never felt as good as he did with bucky and wouldn't let himself consider that he may be gay (of some sort) and in love with bucky.

after the serum and becoming captain america he pushed it so deep inside (after considering it as a possibility for a moment) because before he was practically a nobody, but now he was looked up to and admired by many, so he told himself that captain america cant be gay.

after bucky fell, he got with peggy, having mistaken his platonic love for her as romantic. he almost subconsciously wished it was bucky that he was dating instead of her, but he told himself it was because he was grieving and just missed bucky.

after he got out of the ice and time passed, while out in public, on the internet, etc. he slowly realized how being gay was normal. it caused a crisis for him, with internalized homophobia and stuff. he brought back the possibility of being in love with bucky again, but still pushed it away at first.

after seeing bucky again he couldn't ignore it as well as he could before.

eventually they learned new things together, spent more time together, etc. and he and bucky started dating, (after a bunch of long conversations and shit obviously) and he finally let himself be happy.

he admitted out loud to bucky and himself for the first time ever that he was in love with him since the 40s. bucky said the same and they talked, their perspectives entirely different, bucky having been way more comfortable in his sexuality. he just knew that he wouldn't be able to admit it in fear of endangering them both, but mainly worried about steve, and steve having been thinking he had something wrong with him.

he was very happy with bucky, but in the back of his mind had his voice from the 40s telling him it was wrong, that he was wrong.

that voice slowly died out over time as their relationship progressed, as they communicated together, etc.

when he got accused or came out to the public with being bi/gay/whatever and dating bucky, the voice came back full force with how many people were homophobic and making comments about how captain america cant be gay, but bucky helped him work through it slowly.

their relationship stayed good, but when he realized he could go back in time, he didn't let himself stay. he couldn't.

he wanted to stay, having finally been genuinely happy for the first time since the 40s before bucky fell, but he couldn't allow himself to be happy and enjoy that life as he thought he didn't deserve it.

that's when he chose to go back and be with peggy, happy and married instead of happily married, instead of staying with bucky and eventually getting married to him, being happily married to the love of his life, his first real love, and his best friend, the only person who truly understands him, that helped him through everything and never left his side, until the end of the line.

he had to cut it short, thinking he was making it better for both of them, thinking bucky would be better off without him, and thinking again, that he could fix himself by going back, when in reality he made it worse for them both.

bucky knew that he couldn't change steves mind though, so he never tried, and neither of them were as happy as they were together again.

as steve grew old with peggy, he slowly came to regret his decision. he felt guilty, really, always imagining bucky in peggys place. his smile, his laughter, his warmth instead of hers.

he would have died forcing himself to believe that he made the right choice, that he had made himself better, that he had molded himself in the right shape, if it weren't for her.

she knew that he didn't love her like he was trying to make himself.

by the end of his life, he hated his past self for being so stupid. he had exactly what he wanted. he was himself, for once in his life.

but he knew it was too late.

all he was able to do by then was appreciate what he had, and imagine what could have been.

[ghostberriiesss]

i didn't get to quite as many scribbles as i'd hoped bc of life stuff, BUT here's the first one, you can tell i'm a little rusty

(ko-fi)

[ghostberriiesss]

genderqueer edwin for the loveliest @rexrevri, happy birthday! 🩵

[ghostberriiesss]

I love Dead Boy Detectives because you know from the start how crazy they are about each other. First you meet Charles "my best mate has been out of my sight for more than 25 minutes, guess I'll have to beat up people until they give him back to me" Rowland and you think wow, that's a lot. And then Edwin hits you with the "I have been to hell and back and the only thing keeping me sane is his presence, you do not want to see me without him" and that's when you realize they're fucking insane

[ghostberriiesss]

DEAD BOY DETECTIVES PROMPTOBER DAY 6 — BOOKS

[ghostberriiesss]

charles' bag-of-tricks backpack appreciation

"It's actually a complex pocket universe that only I can navigate after years of practice. But, yeah, I mean, "bag-of-tricks" is fine."

[ghostberriiesss]

a man so beautiful it pisses me off

[ghostberriiesss]

Monty: Cool bracelet. Great statement piece. Metaphor for homosexuality. I Know What You Are

Edwin: Astrology sucks

Monty, before leaving: Keep it cute, Capricorn :)

Niko: Haha gay

Edwin: He's not gay. Unlikely. He's a ghost chaser who likes fucking ghosts. Nbd.

Niko: I like pornographic yaoi

[ghostberriiesss]

has this been done before

[ghostberriiesss]

Charles: *wearing Edwin’s clothes* Anyone have the weird urge to lecture themselves?

Charles: “Charles, what are you doing?”

Edwin: Charles, what are you doing?

Niko: You summoned him

[ghostberriiesss]

just dropping some payneland gifs, as a treat ✨

[ghostberriiesss]

Ok so there's this fun game you can play called BOOP the cat. Boop someone, and then you can high five the cat paw! And then you high five them again! And again! My highest streak so far is 44.

[ghostberriiesss]

All of us this Halloween on tumblr

[ghostberriiesss]

Day 22. Soul

[ghostberriiesss]

"kill them with kindness" WRONG boop

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