ghostofkate

[ghostofkate]

[ghostofkate]

nobody talks about the fact that you can have all this crazy shit in your head, and want to open up and talk about your feelings but no matter what, you just can't make out the right words and properly put your thoughts and emotions into words

[ghostofkate]

i just looked up screenshots of our fight. the Fight. the “beginning of the end” fight. the fight when we lived on opposite sides of the country and i broke your heart. the one where i said you were right, and i was awful, and you deserved to hate me. and you were, and i was, and you did. that’s when it all fell apart.

and reading those notes all these years later i still know i was the wrong one. i am the villain in your story, and really truly i do think it’s deserved.

but i can also see how young and naive i was now in a way i never could have understood then. barely 19 years old. no developed frontal lobe. battling through all of the religious conditioning about how a relationship should work and look. realizing how much she couldn’t see through hormones and social pressures and the anxiety and depression. realizing how tight she held on and wanted it and loved you when everyone else knew the relationship was wrong.

she was still in the wrong. she made bad choices. but i have compassion for her too.

so this is my apology for her. for me. for how we hurt you and will likely continue to do so as long as we exist. i am sorry we are that part of your story. i’m sorry that i was an immature girl, who didn’t know how to communicate outside of the manipulation. who made choices that hurt you.

i hope i’m becoming a better person now. i feel different from her. but it’s for the best that you won’t be around to know.

[ghostofkate]

do you ever think about my life the way I think about yours? are you ever curious what happened to me? did you manage to stop caring in a way I never could?

[ghostofkate]

and just like that 6 years of casually occasionally stalking my ex through their tumblr activity comes to an end!!!!

[ghostofkate]

I still miss people who weren't good for me

[ghostofkate]

quote from alice notley // open water by caleb azumah nelson // georgia o'Keeffe's letter to russel vernon hunter //sara teasdale's poem, the crystal gazer // all too well - taylor swift // sylvia plath // a little life by hanya yanagihara //memory for forgetfulness by mahmoud darwish, translated by Ibrahim Muhawi

[ghostofkate]

kaveh akbar, 'calling a wolf a wolf' // doc luben, 'love letters or suicide notes' // @/nutnoce, tumblr // 'my body's made of crushed little stars', mitski // @/ojibwa, tumblr // 'spring', mary oliver

[ghostofkate]

rotting

[ghostofkate]

Mary Oliver, from “We Should Be Well Prepared”, Red Bird

[ghostofkate]

June Gehringer, “EARTH IS AN ANAGRAM FOR HEART, U FUCKING IDIOTS”

[Text ID: “I don’t want to talk about it. / I want to lie in what little grass remains / and try to fit your heart inside of mine.”]

[ghostofkate]

Clementine von Radics, from Mouthful of Forevers: Poems; “October”

[ghostofkate]

if i stay up late at night, it’s almost always you i’m wondering about

i wonder if you’re okay. if you’re happy. if you’re doing better.

i wonder if i’d been more grown up, more mature, more laid back, if we could have stayed friends

what if i could have been more?

i wonder if i could’ve just been less intense, less neurotic, less insecure if we could have worked it out

what if i could have been less?

i wonder if you’ve forgiven me or if late at night you’re still cursing my name

i wonder if you know i still think about you all the time

i wonder if i cross your mind too

[ghostofkate]

trying to get through this summer by externalizing my feelings with messy journaling

[ghostofkate]

“It’s all too much and not enough at the same time.”

— Jack Kerouac

[ghostofkate]

That day in the store

He looked at her with fire

A girl in a dress

[ghostofkate]

!