gingerigini-blog - Tumblr blog

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When you thought you spent the majority of your life trying to make others happy, why does noone stay? Why at my hens or a wedding or a future thirtieth do I not have one person willing to say something nice about me? I put all my energy into making relationships with people that don't last more than a year or two and then I have to start again in someone new. I turn 21 and my best friend at the time goes to a music Festival instead and I let it happen, I have a best friend for two years who literally made the effort three times to come to my place, despite the fact that every week I would go round to his and I just let that happen. Im organising my wedding alone and out of the three girls I picked to be by my side two of them couldn't even be bothered coming to my hens day, one was because she wanted to get drunk for her 18th and couldn't bend a day or two later. The other said she doesn't drink and says I told her it wasn't important and I just let it happen. I don't feel like I should have to beg people to be in my life why should I have to tell people how important these events are to me!? Shouldn't they just know? I left my cousins wedding for my girlfriends 21st birthday I spent three days writing the speech and she bails on mine to go to a music festival.

Every birthday I have ever had I had to share with Mahailia she always has twice the amount of friends come along, people that actually know her and for some reason care about her and I have a handful of "friends" I am close with at the time and end up having a different circle the next year.

I mean nothing to anyone. I have people around but not friends. Most of our "friends are Michaels friends and their partners. I have a baby coming in march and not one person in my life would come over to help me do the washing, not one person i know I could call in the middle of the night to cry or tell them something. My husband is the greatest thing in my world and maybe I am only doing this for him. Even him I cant tell everything to, even he won't push his opinions aside just to be with me. He blames me for every feeling I have... maybe I haven't taken my medications properly, maybe I haven't told my psych something, maybe I'm being stupid because I don't remember I apparently have all these friends!? Whatever it is it's my fault.

I notice from appointment to appointment I tell these people things and they just give me a new medication or write me another appointment time!? what is the point like why the fuck do these services even exist? Even when your crying and telling someone you are a mess and are not coping they smile and say see you in three weeks. Why even bother?!!

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when i’m having a manic episode and think i’m cured, and i don’t think i need to take my meds anymore:

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friend: hey, how are you?

me: *suicidal, been crying for 5 hours nonstop, hasn't gotten out of bed in 3 days, depressed af* i'm fine, you?

friend: i'm not really fine

me: OH MY GOD BABY WHAT HAPPENED LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU

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i shed personalities like caterpillar skins

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Family: RESPECT US! VISIT US! CALL US! DO THINGS FOR US! ROLL OVER!

Me: LMAO. You should have thought about respect when you abused me for two decades.

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This photo was taken on my hens day, one of the best days I've ever had.... There are 24 people in this photo -1 is me -1 is my bridesmaid and sister in law (the other two bridesmaids didn't bother to come) -6 are members of my husbands extended family -5 I thought were friends but in less than a year were out of my life and are now dead to me for seperate various reasons -6 are scouting girls I rarely see unfortunately and one of those I actually met on the day for the first time -2 are theatre people I never see anymore -2 are my cousins (the only women related to me that bothered to come despite me inviting all of the women in my family) -1 is my husbands best mates Mrs who I love and see weekly My sister and mother did not come now they blame me and my sister in law like I didn't invite them :( this is not true and it makes me incredibly sad that the 24 closest people to me two weeks before my wedding were not really my friends. I don't have any friends. Only 8 people in this photo I have spoken to in the last 6 months. So when I say I have no friends I genuinely mean it. I'm not fishing for nice comments or fake promises I want people in my life who actually want me in theirs 😢 why is that so hard? If I didn't have my husbands family and friends, I wouldnt have anyone on the planet that cares about meat all. I feel like that person you are obliged to invite and include because her husband is sweet and you like him.

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BPD ideas

Every time you can't do something because you have a psych appointment or therapy or DBT tell people you are going to the pub that way they only think you're and alcoholic not a crazy person.

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a concept: my automatic response to something going wrong not being ‘better die then’

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Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world because even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness.

(via fuckeverythingandsociety)

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Everybody leaves

You know what I find funny? That there was a point in time where you had a best friend and you literally told them everything and now they don’t even text you to see if you’re okay or even text you period. It’s just weird how time changes things.

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I was scared I was super dehydrated from all the chucking and going out bush for the funeral and the 12hr drive home so went to the hospital tonight to see if I needed IV fluids or something better for the nausea feeling like an idiot and super fucking anxious couldnt string words together and end up just looking crazy and balling at the triage desk. They tested my blood sugar and did my blood pressure and heart rate. Then I had to pee into a cup. Dr handsome and young came in and could see i was really upset and he was really good. He let me lay down in a quiet room to examine me then he offered to give me an IV but explained that oral fluids are much better if I can hold them down and he also offered to check on bubs but said as I'm dehydrated and he is not a professional sonographer it might just worry me more if I dont hear a heartbeat or see bubs which I agreed with plus there are always risks to ultrasounds and I don't want to put bubs in danger. He said what I was thinking already which is the sickness as horrible as it is at the moment is a good sign because it reminds me bub is there and probably growing and still producing that hormone that makes me sick so even though I can't feel it moving yet it is another way of knowing she/he is ok. He said I can come back anytime too and not to feel silly early pregnancy is scary and a super stressful time

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When Robbie Williams is coming to Adelaide but i can't go because 11 days after im pushing a human out my vagina 😑😒😭😣😲

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Pregnancy advice #3

If you have a chesty cough or cold and a sensitive gag reflex never trust a cough. Be prepared for the lunch or dinner to evacuate.

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Acquired pregnancy skills #2

Finding garden beds, rubbish bins, toilets, exit doors and sinks in record time at the drop of a hat.