goblin-orgy

[goblin-orgy]

I’m so fuckin hinged rn dude I’m so sane and extremely whelmed like I’m normal as fuck bro

[goblin-orgy]

not a nicotine addict (never vaped, only had a total of 6 cigarettes) but oh boy, holy moly I desire a cigarette carnally right now. I didn’t sleep well and I volunteered to help a friend move in like an hour. I am BONE TIRED. just one cigarette would be such a delight, it would help me lock in so hard. alas I cannot :\

[goblin-orgy]

been trying to get over my weird aversion to watching movies

(I think the issue is I find getting attached to a world that you have to leave behind after about 90 minutes to be a very upsetting experience)

started with “I saw the tv glow”…

kinda threw myself in the deep end there

[goblin-orgy]

December 13, 2023.

when i first wrote that little snippet i had never belonged anywhere.

by the time i turned 18 i had given up every fiber of myself to make the people around me happy, and i had nothing to show for it.

i held fast to any quiet i could get; silence was the only friend i had that didn’t take.

it didn’t give either, but when the world has beaten you down for so long, anything gentler than a slap across the face feels like a profound kindness.

i’ve learned since then that home isn’t just the quiet.

home is loud and often overwhelming, but always gentle.

home is the feeling of pride that swells in my chest when i make someone laugh.

home is knowing no matter how low i feel there are still people that miss me on the days i can’t get out of bed.

home is getting six hours into a shift and feeling the most socially drained i’ve ever been in my life because my friends stayed to chat with me the whole time.

it’s desperately wanting them to leave so i can have a moment of peace, but loving them so much for staying.

home is having to leave early for every class because i always get stopped by a friendly face or two on my way.

home is having friends for the first time ever that love me not in spite of who or what i am, but because of it.

i’m away from my home right now.

it’s been taken apart, and all the little pieces have gone back to where they came from for the summer.

this year isn’t quite as lonely though.

i don’t have to fill up my pockets or hold my breath anymore for fear of being empty without that silence.

now my pockets are full of trinkets and my lungs are full of stories about the people who taught me that i am worthy to receive.

to be loved is to be known, and to know love like i do is to be full of it.

[goblin-orgy]

semi related to my last post, but I think i’m gonna start gathering my shitty old poetry and posting it on here, I doubt anyone will read it, but it’ll be nice to have it all in one place, and this account is literally just my journal

[goblin-orgy]

i know love is real because i am full of it!

i feel like an overstuffed teddy bear about to burst at the seams, my cup floweth over

even if no one loved me, my life would still be so full of love

love for the trees, the grass, the rain, my friends, the strangers i see every day, the stray cats outside my building, the familiar holes in my favorite sleep shirt, and the grooves in a pair of sneakers i have worn into the ground.

today was a really shitty day mental/physical health wise, and I honestly couldn’t make myself get out of bed for most of it, but then it rained! i’ve never needed a good rain more than I did today. the rain reminded me how beautiful life is and what a gift it is to keep going out of love. (this is not a metaphor, i just love the rain so fucking much). what a privilege it is to no longer grit my teeth through every day and keep going just to spite everyone who hurt me! i may not be thriving, but i have come such a long way from surviving to living. i wake up now because i am excited for the chance to make today better than the day before it, which is a relatively new feeling for me and i’ve never been more grateful for it.

from an outside perspective this may seem very sickly sweet and insincere, but i have been doing incredibly poorly recently. i’m hoping that documenting these occasional moments of blinding light that break up the darkness might help me navigate those darker times. like bringing a torch into a cave, you know?

i doubt anyone read this far, but if you did, i love you!

[goblin-orgy]

like, the gut wrenching feeling of finally finding an organization on campus where you feel a strong sense of community and acceptance, only to not be able to join it because it’s a fraternity wasn’t even top five worst things that happened to me

so excited to recount my comically evil semester to my psychiatrist on wednesday

[goblin-orgy]

so excited to recount my comically evil semester to my psychiatrist on wednesday

[goblin-orgy]

guys i’m no longer obsessed with a theatre twink, i’m free

[goblin-orgy]

[goblin-orgy]

no way this guy took out the pope

has anyone done it yet

[goblin-orgy]

manifested so hard my opps broke up 🙏

[goblin-orgy]

I have never felt more anger than when my grandmother told me on tuesday that dogs are gifts from god we only get to keep for a short time. I hate being told that grief is just love with nowhere to go. I hate everyone telling me to be glad my dog was a part of my life. I hate everyone telling me how loved my dog was or how much she loved me.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I HATE YOU. I DON’T CARE ABOUT EMPTY PLATITUDES. I NEVER GET TO HOLD MY DOG AGAIN. SHE’S GONE AND NO BULLSHIT ANYONE SAYS IS GONNA MAGICALLY MAKE ME OKAY WITH THAT.

I never get to wrestle my dog again.

I never get to watch her climb the magnolia in the front yard and survey her neighborhood again.

I never get to introduce another new friend to her and watch her wag her tail so hard that her back starts moving with it like a spaghetti noodle.

I’m never gonna be able to find her in the middle of the night when I have a panic attack again.

i’m never gonna be able to put on music and let her jump up on her hind legs to dance with me again.

i’m never gonna come home to see her standing proud on top of a new thing she learned to climb again.

i’m never gonna get to finish any of the tricks we were working on.

i’m never gonna see my best friend again.

[goblin-orgy]

I feel so hollow. what do you mean I have to do a discussion post today? how am I supposed to do that with no dog?

how does anyone expect me to do anything when the most whimsical part of me is now just ashes in a little box?

how am I supposed to shower if I can’t stop remembering when ginger was a puppy with such bad separation anxiety that she would sleep on the bathmat outside the shower so she knew where I was?

how am I supposed to walk up a flight of stairs when I keep thinking about her at 13 pounds and just a couple months old learning how to climb stairs on my tiny fisher price outdoor playhouse?

how am I supposed to eat with no pleading eyes guilting me into sharing?

how am I supposed to sleep when just a couple months ago ginger was nestled in those blankets with me, inching closer and closer until she was crushing me?

how am I supposed to carry on when I know she’s gone forever?

I fear there is, in fact, a grief that can’t be spoken and a pain that goes on and on

[goblin-orgy]

guys I need my dog so fucking bad rn, she was so cool. I have never missed anyone more in my entire life and she’s been gone for less than a day.

I fear there is, in fact, a grief that can’t be spoken and a pain that goes on and on

[goblin-orgy]

I fear there is, in fact, a grief that can’t be spoken and a pain that goes on and on

[goblin-orgy]