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goodvibesnanxiety-blog · 7 years

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“Why Do You Overthink So Much?”

Why do I overthink? or Why does anyone over think?

Today, someone asked me why I even liked them. And of course, for me, that’s an easy thing I will gladly answer. So I gave him a list of the reasons. General things.. makes me happy, laugh, accepts me etc. And in return, I asked the same exact question. He responded with “Too many reasons. You’re freaking gorgeous baby” In my psycho ass head, my first reaction was “Damn ok, he only likes me for my looks” So I asked. “Is that the only reason??”. And he responded with “Why do you overthink so much!! I know you have trust issues but baby you gotta relax”. That hit me hard. I had been trying so hard not to let him see that side of me - the side that worries and needs that constant reassurance, but he noticed. He’s brought it up before.. when I “joke” about how he only wants me for sex… yeah I’m joking, but in my head I secretly want him to say no baby, I want you for you. It’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever said out loud to myself. And when he noticed, he said: “do you honestly believe that.. because you keep saying it”. I laughed it off like it wasn’t anything. So today when he asked me that, I wanted to turn my phone off and never answer. I was so embarrassed.

How do I explain to someone I potentially have a future with, why I overthink?

Me personally? A few reasons.

The first is that I have really bad anxiety, it used to be awful. I couldn’t breathe on a daily basis just stressing over things I had no control over or worrying about everyone else. It took over my life. I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere without feeling anxiety. I’m constantly thinking the worst of people and situations when I don’t need to and there’s no reason to. As much as I hate to admit it, I need reassurance. Not just from a relationship standpoint, but my family and friends as well. I’m always making sure everyone is happy and good, God forbid they be mad at me for something. Then I try and do everything in my power to fix it. Sometimes I forget about me and making myself happy.

Second, I’ve been through shitty relationships. Not playing the “poor me” card by any means. I put up with it, I got myself into the situations, and no it isn’t fair to hold that against anyone new in my life. It’s a reaction that I wish I could control. Anyone that begins to treat me right or want to be with me I think there’s something wrong or I’m always waiting for shit to hit the fan. Like it’s too good to be true. Sometimes I end up screwing it up my self because I get too worried and ask too many questions and I ruin it. I think my past two relationships have a lot to do with why I think like I do.

Previous Ex - emotionally abused me every day for 10 months. he made me feel like I was worthless and every single thing that came out of my mouth was wrong. I couldn’t ask him anything, I couldn’t talk to him about my problems, he would tell me to “shut the fuck up” or “stop fucking talking” or “why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone and let me sleep”, “go the fuck to sleep”, “you don’t know who you’re dealing with, little girl”, “get the fuck out of my house”. The list goes on and on. I was constantly worried I would say the wrong thing or piss him off and when he got pissed off it was brutal. One night, after he had been drinking, he told me “shut the fuck up, you make me want to blow my goddamn brains out”. I never felt so belittled in my life. This person that I did everything for thought of me this way. I didn’t understand it. How can I be so good to him and try so hard to make him happy and walk on eggshells trying not to make him upset.. and this is the response I get. It messed me up, more than I realized at the time. It’s scary to think that one person can affect you like this, but they do and they will, only if you allow them. I should’ve been stronger, but I wasn’t. Instead, I stuck with it. And I think the main reason I did is that I didn’t feel like I deserved any different. I know that I’m a handful and can be too much sometimes, I’m in no way perfect. After so long of hearing the hurtful things he said I believed it. And I settled. He has a lot to do with why I’m always so nervous and scared that someone is going to walk away. He ended it after I asked him to come to Thanksgiving with my family. Understandable I guess, but there wasn’t even a good reason except “I’m not ready for this, but I have feelings for you”. Worst cop out in the books. I was literally never good enough. When in reality, he wasn’t good enough for me. I settled in more ways than one. He was a low life, trashy, pothead who had no goals or ambition in his life. He killed mine. He literally put the light out in my soul. I was a lazy, dull, dark human being. After 10 months of nothing but arguing and drinking the problems away instead of dealing with them, I had enough. It was tough to finally let go, because I, being human, cared. It was the best decision I made regarding that relationship.

A Past Ex - we were together solid for a year, off and on for two. he was my best friend, yes. But he wasn’t good for me. In the beginning and even towards the end, we were inseparable. We did everything together. We laughed, we had jokes, we were perfect.. to some degree. I loved him with my whole heart. But it took him a year to commit to me. A year of dragging me along, sleeping with me, not speaking to me for weeks and then pulling me back in for round whatever. It was all on his terms. And I was always there for him. Always at his beck and call. I was weak. Finally, he let me in and we began a relationship. Shortly after we moved in together. About 5 months in, we constantly argued about everything. We would scream and throw things and tell each other to get the fuck out. A lot of the arguing was on my part. Being immature and not ready for the relationship we thought we could have. We lived together, big mistake. He had different ideas and views on things than me and I couldn’t get used to it. He would lie to me about what he was doing because he didn’t want me to get mad. In my opinion, that’s never the answer. I would rather someone tell me straight up than lie and hurt me more. He used to be a pothead. He quit when we started dating. But a part of him never really wanted to and he held that over my head our entire relationship. In the end, it had gotten rough. We went on a cruise and he drank so much he couldn’t stand on our last night. He was throwing things, slamming me up against the wall, punching the wall, loud enough to where my family was alarmed and trying to bust down the door. He never hit me, he wouldn’t do that. But the alcohol had consumed him. 2 months later he threw me a birthday party, and shit hit the fan. We were yelling and throwing things. I threw a chair at him and he came at me. My best friend had to hold me back. There were drinks thrown, people shoved and hurt. The night ended with him smoking weed in our driveway. I found out of course, and he denied it. Then owned up to it. Trust issues. It wasn’t even about the weed, it was the fact he lied to me. Repeatedly. Two weeks later I made a mistake. I went out with a girlfriend and ended up kissing another guy. When I woke up the next day and she told me what happened I didn’t believe her. I would never do that to anyone. Wrong. Well, I told him. Because I can’t hold something like that in. I was devastated. Mortified. I had never done something so hurtful. Well, when I did he thought he would get over it and two days later he couldn’t. So he left. He walked out of our home and didn’t come back until a week later to get his things. He wouldn’t have a conversation about it, couldn’t even look at me. I understood, but it hurt.

Those are my two serious relationships besides my 4 years with my high school boyfriend. He and I were your typical first love scenario. It just didn’t work out. We had our issues, but nothing that damaged or affected me like this. He was good, I was good, we loved each other in the most innocent way.

I’m not sure why I am the way I am. I constantly have to screenshot messages and get advice from my best friends and mom before I can even respond sometimes, I have anxiety attacks at work just thinking of what “might happen”.. when in reality there have been no signs of anything remotely close of that happening. It’s a subconscious reaction that I hate about myself. I’m always finding myself questioning every single thing, every act of kindness, every sweet word, every short response, every kiss goodbye. I’m screwed up. I don’t feel like I deserve anyone to be this great to me, or make me feel this way. I am constantly looking for something wrong and waiting for someone to leave me. I’m not insecure, but in a way I guess I am.. I don’t feel good enough to get a good one. I look at my friends, and they’re so sure of themselves and confident. And if someone leaves they leave no big deal, but when I like/love someone it almost kills my spirit when I lose them. So I find myself coming up with excuses to see someone, or planning out in advance when they probably hate planning…like most guys do. I get nervous waiting for them to call/text me after I leave or our date or whatever it might be. I need an extreme amount of reassurance. I’ve been praying to God to help me be patient and confident and to accept the way things are and not rush it and not be so psychotic in the head. It doesn’t seem to be working.

I thought if I wrote it all out it would give me some kind of answer.

I honestly want to be confident and strong going through this process.

It’s a relationship for gods sakes.

#anxiety #relationships #stress #overthinking #love

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