gotabigdiego

[gotabigdiego]

[text, later, from a different number] This is Diego. The representative at the store said that the Nokia 3310 is "of great sentimental value to [their] people," but they warned me that it "charges a steep blood price to contact parallel dimensions" and is "difficult to protect from dark interlopers."

[text] Also, they said that I had an upgrade available on my account, and if I turned my phone (and its number) over, they'd give me a "sweet deal" on one of the laptops that you recommended.

[text] So, all in all, a good trip. Glad that I had your number written down in my address book, because once "the bargain [was] made," the Nokia 3310 vanished.

[text] Sorry, again, about the smoke. And the fire. I hope you were able to get the smell out. I really owe you.

[text] Jesus Diego, no wonder you were so easy to hack! Welcome to 2025, we have tech with functional security systems.

[text] See you in a sec!

[gotabigdiego]

[User did not even have the excuse of being hacked for this one.]

[Cash App notification from a Brooklyn-based nonprofit that Diego will absolutely be paying back, with interest, for this avoidable mistake.]

“$4200.69 for research. Happy to help!”

[user is thrilled by this new anonymous benefactor and wonders what they are meant to be researching. they decide to research designer clothing stores in their area. they also determine that this money is from someone who'd like to be their sugar daddy! they expect more anonymous donations in the future.]

[gotabigdiego]

[The account was never reported, but the problem is resolved.]

[Talia should take the win.]

[User nearly breaks this brand new phone in anger upon reading]. I think you might still be a loser, if you're trying to get [...] random people on the internet to [...] join some kind of cult.

[Just because user knows this is a scam doesn't mean her feelings aren't still hurt.] I'm reporting this account. [User doesn't know how to do that but knows it must be possible.]

I do not love Bobby.

[gotabigdiego]

[...]

[User deletes this conversation, believing, incorrectly, that this will erase the hacker's crimes.]

Bro, I have NO stated interests in imprinting. Especially not from the Twilight Saga. Why are you linking me this shit as if I don't know it already? I do. I would like to forget. It almost ruined the whole series.

[.....]

Get out of my messages, weirdo.

[gotabigdiego]

[This message features poorly edited screenshots from a bootleg mobile game. The Disney lawyers are sleeping on the job, apparently...] Help a little lonely fairy get her wings back in Tinklebowl’s Flight! Tinklebowl needs your help to find her way home. :( Save her with the power of friendship! Get a powerful bonus by sending this invitation to eight of your truest friends and getting them to join your party! It must be true friendship… We will know if you’re just making accounts to cheat the system. :)

[ user screams ] Yeah, nope!! Not gonna do that! I don't cheat, first off, I don't like Tinkerbell, second, and this is literally a scam. I have three truest true friends, if my brother counts, and I am working on more. I hope to have more soon.

I don't cheat. Also, Tinkerbell notoriously isn't the most friendly. She literally tries to murder Wendy?? I don't think she'd want to be saved by the power of friendship. She stays alive by people believing in her existence.

I prefer my Finch app, any game with cute animals, and the one that identifies bird sounds! Also all my dictionaries. Not this. No thank you! I decline!!

[gotabigdiego]

[Link to several articles with titles such as "8 Sweet Things You Can Say To Steal Your Man's Heart," "Birds Are Controlling The Television," and "Libraries? Who Needs 'Em!" All are by a Diogo Milano. They are clearly AI-generated.]

[user stares at his screen, considers just deleting the message but decides to play dumb instead. he refuses to panic, at least for now]

I'm assuming you are Diogo Milano? If you would like to submit articles to the library's server, please contact my boss at [insert email address here]. Although, I'm not sure we can accept your anti-library propaganda in good faith.

[gotabigdiego]

[User ponders if this is worth responding to.]

Unsubscribe successful.

[Good. Great. Nailed it.]

[user knows full well she did not click the suspicious link. She has been rick rolled one too many times]

Unsubscribe.

[user goes on etsy and finds a customizable mug that says #1 Daddy with an option to put a persons picture on it. she uploads a picture of her own face for the comedy of it all, and hits order]

[gotabigdiego]

@gotabigdiego replied to your post “hit @ on your keyboard, and then play FMK with the...”:

[User is presently unable to see this, but will later be offended on principle that the hacking is preventing him from even a hypothetically good time. The hacker remains cautious about Baz and shan’t be touching this.]

​[user remains oblivious to everything and everyone on planet earth.]

[gotabigdiego]

[The hacker was strangely unnerved by this message and chose to leave Baz alone.]

Who'd steal a pet's identity? That can't be a common issue people are facing, can it? [user has missed every other aspect of this conversation.]

[gotabigdiego]

[call from 888-420-6969] HELLO, HOLA, AND GUTEN TAG. Are you looking for for a SOLUTION for your debt? The law firm of Devlin, Akre, Vito, Ipswich, & Sanderson is here to HELP! As long as your debt is eight years old, we can HELP you discharge all of those pesky, lingering feelings... MONEY FEELINGS, that is. PLEASE give us a call back at your earliest convenience. Don't let your debt drag you down!!!

[ user feels a pit of dread in her stomach about this. User wonders if she is reading too much into what the first letters of this law firm spell out. User has to drink. ]

Fuck off. No. This is a overly elaborate and really weird prank, and I'm not into that. I don't have money feelings. My best friend was eight years old but I wouldn't ever want to get rid of her

[gotabigdiego]

Help!!! It is your long-lost brother! I am stuck on Earth-8 and the monsters, they’re after me! I found a way to contact you, but I can only send one message with my transmitter before it shorts out! You’re the only one I can trust!!! Save me, please!!!!!

[User reads this message and feels their chest constrict with immediate panic. They type as fast as they can.] Iwan? Iwan I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left. I'm sorry they did that to you. I should have It should have been I can't believe you're alive. I'm going to come for you. Okay? Where is Earth-8? I can only find things from comics, wh Just hold on, just try and reach out back to me, okay? You better This better Is this real? Just help me and tell me where it is. I can help with the monsters, I can help you, just tell me.

[gotabigdiego]

Are you tired of feeling like a constant disappointment? Does the thought of a family reunion fill you with dread? When Uncle Jim asks you what's new, do you shy away from the question?

You can be a WHOLE NEW YOU if you follow the words and teachings of Bobby Bowflecki, my mentor and guiding light, who dearly departed from this world and left me with a mission. A mission to LIFT PEOPLE UP. Now, you might not know this, but I used to be a real loser—always down on myself, to boot. I isolated from the people who cared about me, because I didn't want their pity.

Bobby saved me. And he can save you too! Click [here] to be taken to our site, where you can buy my book or subscribe to eight installments of my VHS learning series. Don't wait!

Bobby loves you.

[User is very, very perplexed]. What? Is this supposed to be some kind of joke post? Or?

[gotabigdiego]

[pm] Oh, I was trying to redirect! It appears to have been successful. Though, do not misunderstand, were it not for present circumstances, I would be much more... well, direct. It is very difficult to remain focused. Wait, no. Redirect.

Ah, I see, so you're coming for my job? Very fun! It seems we'll make an interviewer out of you yet. Seriously though, quick thinking to focus on other people. And I would guess that many of those people can simply be told about your run-in, in some way, so that the naturally inquisitive amongst us know to ease up until you're recovered. No matter how interested we are. Luckily for you, I am an open book. Happy to hear both venting about your current predicament and entertain questions. Though, please, no need for flattery.

Your favorite color is not... not relevant. It was a question asked, and, so, a question answered. Interesting that you can editorialize on the thoughts, even it seems difficult to prevent those thoughts in the first place. In the spirit of equality: Orange, today, I think. Talking of childhood makes me miss the orange trees. Hard to pin down one favorite.

I wonder if classic hangover cures would work? Substitute coffee for, I don't know, mugwort tea?

[pm] That is so not what I meant by having those thoughts together, but you're actually so right I shouldn't be near other people right now, so I shall resist the horniness.

I can be discreet if I'm really really careful. So I only talk to people about themselves, which is working great for me, and I seem to be able to talk me way around a topic without actually revealing identifying information, but it is hard. Redirecting to horniness or swearing is helping a lot. People want to hear how hot they are. My favourite colour is green but that's totally irrelevant. Moss green, specifically, because it reminds me of summers chilling in meadows as a kid without a care in the world.

I appreciate that so much! I miss being not blue. It's improving! Just not as fast as I would like, as with any bad hangover.

[gotabigdiego]

[MESSAGE DELIVERY FAILURE]

[...]

[Incomprehensibly, a tracking number is attached to this message.]

[It's coming.]

Wait

No

I'm not interested!

[Several hours later, Oliver groans at the new notification]

Unsubscribe

Unsubscribe please

[gotabigdiego]

[text] A Nokia 3310. It can call, text, and has a little camera.

[picture: Diego's laptop. It is hard to tell if there is smoke or if it's just an odd effect of the image quality and bad lighting.]

[text] Thank you.

[text] What kind of cell phone do you use?

[text] Hmmm, okay, bring it over!

[gotabigdiego]

Oh, you misunderstand. It was not a rude prank to pull on us. As said, we offer services for ALL EIGHT BILLION people (and their pets, at a discount). Your prank was not well-received by the recipient.

Better LUCK next time!

Didn't like it much? Shame, really. I thought it was funny. Ooooh, you know my name? Scandalous! I think my identity'll survive just fine.

[gotabigdiego]

You will certainly be good after your time with our product! Thank you for your interest! We have added you to our mailing list.

[Several hours later...]

Welcome, new subscriber! We have selected you for a free trial of BloomBoom!!! It will ship to [the address of Oliver's shop]. You have eight weeks to make your final decision. Please leave us a review and rating wherever you buy products!

...I...What?

I'm not...delicate I certainly don't have trouble 'getting there' Does it come off as I do??

I'm good...thanks...