halfapoet - Tumblr blog

[halfapoet]

I was a little girl who loved her father a lot more than her mother, because he told me bedtime stories, he didn't yell at me all the time like she did, because he was the cool, fun parent. I was a teenage girl dreading the hours he would be home because somewhere along time, the good things went away. I think a part of me will always be a teenage girl in this house.

[halfapoet]

Forgiving your mother is always so much easier than forgiving your father. Because she talks to you, vents to you, you see her side, you see her as human. You can forgive humans. Your father doesn't really talk. You don't know his side. You don't know if he feels as unloved and misunderstood as your mother or worse. Forgiving your father is so much more difficult than forgiving a human being.

[halfapoet]

Why are your feelings for your father always so complicated? I love you for raising me, protecting me and always showing up for me. I hate you for the husband you failed to be. I hate you for screwing up my idea of an ideal relationship and for ripping me away from my rainbow thoughts of how happy you and mom are. Thank you for always putting me before you. Why couldn't you be better for mom?

[halfapoet]

You like loving quietly. You keep your feelings under wraps, letting them out after asking. You cloak the intensity of your heart, so it doesn't scare me. You love me how you think I want to be loved. With caution and silently. All I have ever wanted, is to be loved loudly.

[halfapoet]

I listen to you talk about your day and ask about mine. You don't like what I have to say, so you start talking again. My bluish days are always an inconvenience. They take away from my sunny ambience and you hate when I accidentally remind you I'm a real person. You like them soft and happy and loathe what they become after you. You play the victim in front of every woman you meet, because they're always walking away from you.

[halfapoet]

I thought this longing would end when I tell you how I feel. But it has taken a tighter hold on me now than ever before. Whatever part of your heart I have, I want more. I need to become your world like you have become mine. I need to be loved as intensely as I love. I want our souls engraved on one another, so wherever we go from here we know where we once were. I need you to never be able to forget a single part of me.

[halfapoet]

We're holding hands and it's not enough. I love you so much, I want some of your soul to seep into mine. To make it so, that we're connected deep and I carry you around with me. Walking together is not enough anymore. I need us to be intertwined so tight that we feel one. You tell me you love me and I can't say it back because saying it is just not enough. The words feel small, somehow. They can't carry the weight of all that I feel for you. I'm a little afraid you'll never truly understand how much I love you, because I'll never be able to explain. I'm afraid I'll understand how much you love me and it won't be half as much as I do.

[halfapoet]

I'm standing next to you. Yet, this longing never seems to end.

[halfapoet]

I'm so hopelessly in love with you, I cannot do anything without you on my mind. I have conversations with you in my head. I dream of you when I sleep. I make coffee and wish it was for two. I take a walk and it always leads me to you.

[halfapoet]

Everything in the world has become yours. The moon reminds me of the times we walked under it together. The colour white reminds me of how much you love it. Grass reminds me of how you love walking on it, barefoot. My hands remind me of how perfectly they fit in yours. My eyes remind me of how I long to see you.

[halfapoet]

Summer is the season of new beginnings and endless hope. It's meant to be spent with friends at the beach, feeling bigger than the world, happier than your physical body can contain. These months are to rediscover yourself, fall in love, leave lipstick stains on lemonade glasses, take that road trip and to just, be happy.

[halfapoet]

If winter belongs to longing, summer belongs to hope.

[halfapoet]

I'm starting to appreciate summer after it's been visiting me for twenty one years. The seasonal fruits, the lemonade, the fashion, the endless joy, waves over your feet at the beach, the glowy skin, summer songs and how the sun shines a little and makes everyone feel sixteen. Maybe, if something comes too easy in life, we don't really appreciate it enough.

[halfapoet]

You have a million things to do. There are approximately twenty eight things going wrong in your life right now. But there's a patch of sunlight falling on clean grass and a lemonade stand a few feet away. Sometimes, you've got to buy a lemonade, sit down on grass and feel the sunlight on your skin with your eyes closed. It won't fix your life, but it'll make you happier.

[halfapoet]

Hope is such a beautiful, magical thing. You know there's a friendship in your life that won't last. You know you will never quite be able to fix your relationship with your parents. You know you won't ever find the kind of love you dream of. But in moments of strength, you hope. And sometimes, like a miracle, hope wins.

[halfapoet]

You're a few states away building your life and I'm here building mine. But we used to be closer under this sun, once. We spent summers together, playing on the same grass, biking under the same rain, building dreams while watching kites. You told me you'd own a big house one day and you'd give me a room. I told you when I adopt two pet cats, I'd let you name one. "Because I'm special?" "Because you're special."

Your birthday passed and I didn't call because I was scared you wouldn't pick up in the middle of your party.

[halfapoet]

So many years are between us, but when I think of summer, childhood, freedom and happiness, I still think of you.