halfwomanhalfchild-blog

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

most definitely.

Despite of the Japanese thin walls that covered her room, she could barely hear anything when she was all alone. The 10-meter room, unlit and cold. Yet, she found herself safe and sound in her thoughts of being alone, young and free.

She went outside to that narrow balcony, making a company of washed and hanged clothes. She, then, lit a clove-contained cigarette she had bought from an exotic-goods shop. The smell of her breath suddenly changed to that sweet and bitter smell.

--

She, maybe now misses the sound of that absolute silence it gave her. The freedom to run down to the closest convenient store and get the cheapest wine, drink to herself and get drunk in the idea of being in love again.

Maybe she misses the smell of winter; cold and dry. It made her feel sad and hopeless. 

Or maybe she even misses the small things, like Nagomi’s gyoza, Yoshinoya’s special Autumn’s Nabe, Kogetsu’s bowl of ramen that cured her hangovers. 

And just maybe, and mostly, she just misses the feeling of being curious. Like, wanting to explore more of herself, and perhaps the world. Maybe what she actually misses is just being completely and entirely alone -- not being judged for what she thought, or felt.

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

I cry to the moon.

I have cried, in my darkest hour, to the moon and the night sky -- begging for the one thing difficult to obtain, the power to forgive.

I have longed to forgive, not just others who have hurt me, but also my own soul. 

I have made many mistakes -- many of them involving hurting others. I haven’t yet, forgave them all. 

Please, lonely moon, be still with me until I fix myself. As your presence gave me hope for a better self.

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

i’m dying, you’re dying. we are all dying.

Just about an hour ago, I received a sad and shocking news from my Event Organizer of our wedding last year. She tagged me in one of the photos of our wedding’s band lead singer. The photo had a nice motivational quote, which I can’t fully remember what it said, but it generally said that you need to be proud of who you are. I scrolled to the comments and I read “RIPs” messages to our wedding singer. 

He passed away about a week ago on Christmas Day. I wasn’t shocked of the idea of him passing away, I was not a friend of his. I had no more contact with him since after the wedding (and that’s basically saying thank you), although we kept on liking each other’s pictures on Instagram still until last week.

I remember having a long list of songs, some of them he did not even know, but he practiced and tried to sing it on our wedding night. He was very chill, professional, and had nothing to complain about.

What saddened me though, was the idea of people dying. People leaving their loved ones, families, friends. You really don’t know when you will die. Today could be the last day of me living this wonderful life. Tomorrow I could be hit by a car and was left dying on a street. But the sadness did not last long, because I thought of death as a part of life. We were born, we live and we’ll die, sooner or later.

We are all dying. Some will be lucky to die with a smile on their face, having to fulfill their life dreams. But some will die tragically, and depressingly. We cannot choose how we will die, happy or sad. Some have their fates already written, like Syrian children who died because of inhumane bombing attacks. Some have their fates a blank page, ready to be written. And these are the lucky ones. When you get to choose how you want to live, then die, you should not be asking for more. 

Our wedding singer’s last photo told us to be proud of who we are, what we do. And man, those are probably one of the wisest last words. He passed away doing something what he liked, as everyone should. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Before that, ask yourself (like I do to myself): What makes you happy?

----

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

ESC.

How many dreams have you had where you would be brought back to a memory you’ve always wished you could re-live?

I’ve had a lot of those, and sometimes in that dream I would be aware that I was in a dream, although I could not control much of it. I would also sometimes do things I wish I could have done, like, apologising to the people I have hurt in the past. At most times, I treat my dream as an escape from my reality. Even though I can’t control much of the dream, but I’ve come to learn to embrace it. 

Do you remember that few last parts of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, when both Jim Carrey and pretty Kate realised that sooner that very last memory they had of each other was going to be erased forever, and he told her to “enjoy it”?

That’s the kind of feeling I try to always have in my dream, especially the good ones. 

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

MOM

Mom. 

The most beautiful, gracious, bravest and big hearted soul I have ever known. 

You speak your words with grace and respect, and you never raise your voice, even when you’re hurt or mad. 

You’re braver than at least most people. You take your steps forward with confidence. Thank you for teaching us bravery and confidence.

Your understanding of the way of life is a proof of your intelligence. Never doubt yourself, you are more intelligent than you think you are. Thank you for being the open-minded person you are.

With a million things that went wrong with your life, you still manage to see the light. You look back, but you never regret. You cry, but you never break down. I wonder how do you forgive the people who hurt you the most?

You’re not afraid to feel, not afraid to say what you feel. You overcome that feeling with power and love. Only the strongest people can overcome that. Thank you for showing us what “strong” is.

You do things out of love. You may not say it, but love is something other people can feel, although not hear. Thank you for always taking care of our well being.

You feel sad, miserable, disappointed or disrespect at many times in your life, but you never take it on us all. You keep it within you, cry it out and let it all go. 

You’re not selfish. You want the best for the people you love. And you never ask for anything back.

You always help, always giving your other hand for people. 

You want your children to only be as happy as they can be. You don’t listen to what other people have to say. Thank you for never doubting our choices, and thank you for always believing in us.

You’re bullet-proof, Mama. You deserve all the best things in life. You deserve all the respect in the world. You deserve all the love from everyone around you.

Never forget that you are not just an amazing mom, but an amazing sister, daughter, friend, boss, and aunt. If no one else tells you this, know that you are loved. 

Your children always see what you do, always hear what you say and will always be with you side-by-side. You are not loved because you are a mother, but because you are a beautiful soul, and a beautiful kind soul is the rarest thing in this harsh and cruel world.

Always live gracefully, whole-heartedly and happily.

Never feel that you are alone.

Love forever, R, S & I.

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

Dream a little more.

September 24, 2017.

The sound of the heavy rain hitting the roof of the car reminded her of him. It was as if the universe had hit rewind and replayed her favorite afternoon scene. Anytime of the day, in tropical summer days, rain could easily hit the ground even after a strong beam of sunlight. She loved the rain, because the rain made her feel alone with him. The rain made everyone else disappeared and in the rain -- as if there were only the two of them existed. She loved the rain so much, she wished it had always rained.

Their afternoons were filled with car rides to the hills, take-away hot chocolate and a mixtape of cheesy music playing in the car. They joked and laughed and kissed, and they fell deeply in love with one another. They didn’t own much, they didn’t even need much. For all they knew, they only needed each other. And she couldn’t care less what others thought of their romance. 

She believed that the romance they experienced was only felt by them, despite of all the rocks they threw at them. She could see it in his eyes that he wanted her, but not as much as she wanted him. She had hopes. She believed that he was nothing close like anybody else, she believed that they were not too young to understand what love is. She believed that through the bad times, the good will come. She believed in sunshine after rain.

But that’s where it went crashing. She believed too much, and had sacrificed too much. She didn’t get that much in return. 

He did not believe. He didn’t know where to stand; the crowd or her. It wasn’t his fault -- he was young, and dishonest. He was too scared to stand on his feet. He wanted her, but just not as much. He craved romance for as long as he did, but he craved it only until things get hard. 

She didn’t want to lose him. She still believed. She believed that he wanted the purest kind of love, just as much as she did. Only he didn’t. And so she kissed him goodbye. He drove her home that day, knowing it was going to be the last time he would drive her home, before he left for another country, another journey. And she knew very well that this will be the last time she would ever see him, or feel his touch. It was the most silent drive home. He stopped in front of her house. 

“Here I am”, she said. He was silent. He didn’t have the courage to look her in the eyes. So she approached him, and softly touched his cheeks. His eyes were red, about to burst in tears. And there it was, in the tropical summer day when the rain kissed the ground, they were inside of his car, trying to express their waves of emotions; anger, disappointment, betrayal, frustration and infinite sadness with tears. They hugged for as long as the rain fell. No words, just tears. She finally said her goodbye.

“Goodbye. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for giving me the kind of love I ever needed”, she whispered. She hoped he would never forget her last words.

She felt the strong hug he gave her. She almost wanted to take her words back, and give it another chance. But she knew that nothing good would ever come out of that romance. She was real to herself, and he wasn’t. And in spite all that, she still believed that one day, he would be real to himself, that he would learn as he aged that nothing should intervene when two people really loved each other. 

--------------

She still has dreams about him, and last night when it was raining outside, she dreamed about him. She dreamed about him again reaching for her, telling her that he missed her. She got caught up in the dream, she refused to believe that it was just a dream. She went along with it, because she knew that only in her dreams they can be reunited. Only in her dreams she would touch him again and feel the warmth of his breath. 

She believes in the parallel universe. She chooses to believe that her dreams are scenes from her parallel universe, that it actually happened at one point in their lives. So then she dreams a little more, so that she can be a little longer with him.

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

Be So Very Madly In Love

September 13, 2017.

As an Asian living in Asia, being in your early 20s means that you are ready to pursue your dream career -- and at the same time crush it cause being in your early 20s also means that you are “ready” to get married.

Back before I was married, I wasn’t even sure that anyone would ever accept me for who I am, and that was also when I truly believed that the only person who can love yourself is you. At the end of the day, if you don’t love yourself, who will? That -- I learned from Fergie when I was 12. Yes, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

My then boyfriend (now husband) does not believe in the idea of being “married”. He thinks it’s a fake title people get when they have found “the one”. But of course, he does believe in the idea of having “the love of his life” *winks* -- ME! But he certainly believes that just because two people don’t get married, it doesn’t mean that the love is not “valid”, like I believe that the idea of “marriage” should just simply be the union of two souls in love. Anyways, we both also know for a fact marriage is fundamentally the “legal” act of union.

The reason why we got married despite of his disbelief in marriage is that, the country we’re living in will never allow two people of different genders share a house together, and it is morally unacceptable for a single woman and a single man to be living together. Therefore, through it all, we made it happen. We got married. And it just feels the same as it was, only have to put on a ring every morning :D

MOVING ON. 

I spent my morning my with mom, and we talked about basically marriage. Have in mind that my mom is open-minded, and not to forget the kindest and the strongest woman on Earth that ever existed. We somehow talked about friends of my parents only approving if their children marry of a wealthy family. This is nothing new, but how is something OLD like this still existing in 2017? How are people still thinking about their or other peoples’ wealth? Like first of all, these people I’m talking about are not THAT rich. Before you look down on people, make sure you take a good look of yourself in the mirror, who the hell are you to label somebody “lower” than your class?

Some people think they are the judges of the world. The sickest part of all is setting an imaginary standard that their foolish children must achieve in order to be “socially accepted”. And it’s even more sickening that the kids are just nodding “yes mom, that’s true”. Exactly how low are you that you must feel like you are “accepted” in this mindfucking society? 

Pour moi, it has always been low to look down on a man because of his skin color, his financial status, and ethnical background. You may agree or disagree with me, but where you stand will define who you are.

I’m no perfect, and I also happen to “reject” a few men before because of some issues. Like, that one time I was dating a Catholic man and he wanted me to convert to be a Catholic. I was like.....”hey, how long have we known each other? Do you even know me? The girl you’re dating??”. I don’t believe in the idea of aligning myself to a certain religion. Religions for me are BULLSHIT. So there it was, my absolute reason of to kick him out of my life, we have a different opinion towards....spiritual beliefs. Then there was this other man who surrounds himself with stupid friends and therefore ending up making stupid decisions. That, I learned when we dated a few weeks and had to decide on a few things. At first I thought he was just being nice, letting me decide where to eat, what to buy, what to watch, where to go, etc. But then I realized....he was just lazy, and indecisive, and has nothing inside his brain to compute. So goodbye, empty head.

I was always taught to see a person more than how they look or what financial status they are in. I was taught to respect a janitor as much as I respect a CEO.

--- 

Hypocrites. Hypocrites everywhere.

I know my friends (even some of them close friends) tell lies to themselves that they don’t look down on a man because of his race, or race, or whether or not he’s rich or poor. But I know (my friend trust me I know) that they are just lying piece of airbags. They think they are, but when that person who’s not so rich, or has a different race (fuck this reason makes me cringe the most), they walk away with that one reason “you’re not the one for me”. aka you’re not capable of buying me bullshit branded bags, not an in-bred mindfucked-psycopath-dressed-like-an-angel like me. 

Marriage should only be as innocent as the purest love. It musn’t try to find the flaws but instead embrace it and be so madly in love with it. At the end of the day, you are who you choose to be. 

-----------

This is our wedding reception in Bali just early this year. 

For my husband, thank you for loving me the way I am, and thank you for always believing the good in me. 

Forever yours, IG

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

VIVERE UNA VITA BELLA

Hello, how are you?

I’m still breathing, 23, living in the tropics and still at war with my skin complex. Hope you are doing fine.

Today, I finally came back to a place I felt I have abandoned many years ago -- my inner self being presently content. Currently listening to “The Girl From Ipanema”, lights dimmed, candle lights on and staring at my two-weeks old green leaves filling my glass vase, and I’ve never felt so content and peaceful.

VIVERE UNA VITA BELLA. Live a beautiful life.

Yes, Live “A” Beautiful Life -- Don’t live “The” Beautiful Life, because what is “The” Beautiful Life? “The” Beautiful Life is a fantasy. “The” Beautiful Life only exists when you live your “dull normal life” and you want to get out of it. When you compare your “dull normal life” with other people’s “dull normal lives”.

As for me, I am trying my best to define my own Una Vita Bella (does it really need to be defined?), trying to at least be in love with the idea of life. It’s easier to say it now that everything works just fine, but it’s the “everything’s gonna be alright” kind of mantra that I am trying to brainwash myself into when things gets rough.

Today I am grateful. I am grateful of the warmth of this tropic country. I am grateful of my health, my physical and mental being, my family, my friends and my love. I am grateful of my knowledge, my pride, my confidence and my values. And I will try to keep being grateful. I find that gratitude is harder to achieve than sadness -- feeling incomplete, lonely, unhappy.

---

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” - American Beauty

[halfwomanhalfchild-blog]

CLOSURE.

Good evening, and welcome to Tumblr. Again.

Call me a lunatic, but losing an old tumblr account, with shit loads of memories, is equal to losing your new iPhone 6s that you just bought with the money you’ve saved up for months. Yes, to clarify, I lost my old tumblr account, due to my short-term memory. Oh shit, how did I forget such as easy password?

Now, it feels good at the same time, knowing that it’s out there, forever, although people cannot see it, but it’s out there, somewhere, along with all the pictures I have posted, the feelings and thoughts I have written down and all the true stories of my short unimportant life. I would say, it’s my safe place. At times when life doesn’t go the way you wanted it to be, at times when your friends ditched you because they have elsewhere to go (obviously better than places you suggest), or at times when you just feel lonely, and lost. 

I don’t know where in this steps of life I am in, but there will be times when I feel like I would break my life compass, and start to wonder where I am. And these old pictures and pieces of writing were just the stars up there in the sky. Something to look at when it gets dark, and they will give you comfort. Until the day comes and it’s all bright again.

So now I’m writing a closure. A goodbye to my old life where I always held on to. I would probably miss you, most of the time. But it’s time to let go. Hopefully, forever.

**