happywizardtrash

[happywizardtrash]

[happywizardtrash]

This new society has this awful feature that everyone gets left behind. And the ones in front is suppose to like it, and probably does.

[happywizardtrash]

[happywizardtrash]

So I'm suppose to meet a new friend in a couple of days, I've only talked to them online before (couple of months).

But I'm already getting pressure and dread feeling in my chest that this will only end in more emotional pain for me. It's on the verge of being to much, I'll fail and be alone. But if I try I'll get some emotional pain but still be alone.

The pain of being alone and tha pain of losing new people in my life. It's really just a mess.

[happywizardtrash]

I hate k owing that everyone will leave, I'm never good enough to stick around with.

[happywizardtrash]

I wasn't suppose to have a future, this isn't what I wanted.

[happywizardtrash]

Please tell me there are neuro-diverese people that aren't formally gifted burnt-out, cause I'm dumd as rocks (rocks have an advantage over me).

[happywizardtrash]

Everytime I think someone is trying to be friendly with me I get a stabbing feeling in my gut that this is going to end up painful for me.

They will sooner or later decide that I'm a chore to be around and not invite. Or the answers will just stop, of course I have learnt that I'm the issue with my autism.

But this doesn't lesen the pain, it's almost a physical pain in my chest.

I would rather eat glas while cutting myself before I try to get friends again. The mere chance of suffering again, I wouldn't be able to handle it. And so I wallow in my own stew of self-loathing.

Looking at a group of people all laughing at each other and having fun. Every time I think that could have been me in that. Then the pain comes with the crying. It can never bee me.

But at least I now know that it's me and not them.

[happywizardtrash]

Really should get some treatment or help for this RSD or whatever I have......

[happywizardtrash]

Looks like I'm a emotional mess again, feels like I'm spiralling down the hole of "fuck me ill die alone, hopefully with no friends so no one will remember me"....

Fucking shit brain.

[happywizardtrash]

Captains log:

Made contact with other civilization, diplomatic contact successful.

Starting negotiations for them to take the captains helm. Outlook, bleek.

[happywizardtrash]

So I took the plunge and signed up on the local bdsm message/social site in me country. Tried to navigate around a bit and interact with people.

As of chance I started a conversation with a woman and we have messaged each other now. This have given me a terrible case of butterfly's in my stomach, but she seems nice and is experienced. So let's hope it goes well and I don't screw it up.

[happywizardtrash]

Taking applications for a new brain. Perhaps someone who got som extra large calm center that they don't need?

Anyone? ....

No, fine

[happywizardtrash]

Can someone hold and tell me that I'm a good boy after I've been spanked.

Feels simple...

[happywizardtrash]

[happywizardtrash]

One more 5 day workweek and I'll become a commie

[happywizardtrash]

"People have an ugly habit of bending at the knee" paraphrasing from Terry Pratchett.