chars-ramblings

[chars-ramblings]

I graduated two days ago and I feel much the same. I had one of the best days of my life and yet I still can't tell if things are going to be okay. Future me: is it okay yet? Do we think it will ever be okay?

I'm scared of the future and I can't deny it.

I recently turned 18, and yet I still feel as if I'm trapped in my 14 year old mind. I'm going to graduate high school in six months, and yet I still feel as confused as a freshman. How can I be expected to make such big life decisions when I'm still at the peak of puberty, still exploring my own mind, still trying to understand how the world works? I've learned how to file a tax report and budget for a family of four, but all I want to do is watch Minecraft videos and play outside like I used to.

Now, I have to go to college two hours away and live on my own. Even worse, I didn't get into my first choice that I have been dreaming of going to since I found out about it. I sobbed over my applications and stressed for months only to be denied. When I read the email, I momentarily felt as if my life was over. Thankfully, I have another choice, another chance at living. It's not at all where I want to go. It looks like a military base and I often hear about the sexual predators that roam around it. It doesn't offer as good of a program or have the same opportunities, but I suppose it will get the job done. I still wonder sometimes if there was just one word or portfolio item I could have changed to be one of the 25-30 people that got into the program at my first choice.

Not only has the prospect of college overwhelmed me, time has as well. Everything has moved too fast in the past year. Obviously, time moves quicker as years go on since every day becomes relatively shorter, but this year it feels as if every day is only a fraction of what it should have been. I feel I am stuck in March, or even in 2023.

I was thinking earlier about the time capsule we made in elementary school, around 2013 or 2014. I remember thinking that ten or twenty years was so far off, but every year they race past before I can even remember them. I think about elementary school often despite being 18 years old. I think I left part of myself behind when I moved in third grade. Everything is so different now. I live across the country with people I didn't grow up with, 3000 miles from my family. I feel disconnected no matter where I am in the world. I see my friends from my old school liking reels on Instagram about growing up and long distance friendships and wonder if they even think of me. We never talk anymore. Some of them have started college.

I think the most jarring thing for me this year was when I visited my old town and saw every opportunity I would have had. I thought I recognized an old friend at a coffee shop, but I had no way of knowing since it had been eight years.

We stayed with family friends while we were there as well. I had grown up with these friends since I was 5 years old. My memories attached to them are so innocent, like playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii which they no longer own or jumping on the trampoline that is now absent from their back yard. The older brother doesn't live in the house anymore and the younger now has his room, except the younger brother has now gone to college two states away and no one has his room. I still remember when we were 6 and 7 playing in his backyard treehouse that neither of us can fit in anymore. It now sits vacant in the yard of the home with no children left. Now, he works and studies science and gets drunk at parties while I sit in my room all day watching YouTube and drawing. Would it have been different if I still lived there?

Even my friends in this new town have grown faster than me. They work and smoke and drink and get pregnant. I don't want to do these things. They're too old for me. But it feels sometimes like I haven't grown as fast because I haven't done any of it.

Everything is just too fast. I fear my life will end before I can even grasp everything that has happened. My grandparents before me have lived near or even past 100, but at this rate, 80 more years doesn't feel like enough. And what if it isn't 80 more years? I have trouble saving for the long term future, because what if there is no future? I once saw a video of a woman who worked from the minute she woke up to the minute she went to sleep and her reasoning was so she could retire early. I read the comments, one of which said, "What is all of this work if you don't even live to 55?" Sometimes I wonder if my mindset would be different had I not read that comment. Sometimes I wonder if a lot of things would be different had I not read or seen things. Would I be happier if I never saw my old town or old friends again?

The future is surely uncertain. I want to believe it will all be okay, but as I write this with only two days to Christmas, I worry that nothing will ever be okay. Will it be okay? Will it?

[chars-ramblings]

I don't even remember who this is about

I associate november with that bitch which is unfortunate because I happen to like november a little bit. sighhh

[chars-ramblings]

feeling this heavily at the moment

Nowhere ever feels like home and I'm a little bit sick of it

[chars-ramblings]

"You don't know me. I'm not the same person anymore."

"That's okay. I'll get to know you again."

[chars-ramblings]

looking up pictures of a country while eating a food that originates from it like yesss yesss hell yess

[chars-ramblings]

Other Words for "Look" + With meanings | List for writers

Many people create lists of synonyms for the word 'said,' but what about the word 'look'? Here are some synonyms that I enjoy using in my writing, along with their meanings for your reference. While all these words relate to 'look,' they each carry distinct meanings and nuances, so I thought it would be helpful to provide meanings for each one.

Gaze - To look steadily and intently, especially in admiration or thought.

Glance - A brief or hurried look.

Peek - A quick and typically secretive look.

Peer - To look with difficulty or concentration.

Scan - To look over quickly but thoroughly.

Observe - To watch carefully and attentively.

Inspect - To look at closely in order to assess condition or quality.

Stare - To look fixedly or vacantly at someone or something.

Glimpse - To see or perceive briefly or partially.

Eye - To look or stare at intently.

Peruse - To read or examine something with great care.

Scrutinize - To examine or inspect closely and thoroughly.

Behold - To see or observe a thing or person, especially a remarkable one.

Witness - To see something happen, typically a significant event.

Spot - To see, notice, or recognize someone or something.

Contemplate - To look thoughtfully for a long time at.

Sight - To suddenly or unexpectedly see something or someone.

Ogle - To stare at in a lecherous manner.

Leer - To look or gaze in an unpleasant, malicious way.

Gawk - To stare openly and stupidly.

Gape - To stare with one's mouth open wide, in amazement.

Squint - To look with eyes partially closed.

Regard - To consider or think of in a specified way.

Admire - To regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval.

Skim - To look through quickly to gain superficial knowledge.

Reconnoiter - To make a military observation of a region.

Flick - To look or move the eyes quickly.

Rake - To look through something rapidly and unsystematically.

Glare - To look angrily or fiercely.

Peep - To look quickly and secretly through an opening.

Focus - To concentrate one's visual effort on.

Discover - To find or realize something not clear before.

Spot-check - To examine something briefly or at random.

Devour - To look over with eager enthusiasm.

Examine - To inspect in detail to determine condition.

Feast one's eyes - To look at something with great enjoyment.

Catch sight of - To suddenly or unexpectedly see.

Clap eyes on - To suddenly see someone or something.

Set eyes on - To look at, especially for the first time.

Take a dekko - Colloquial for taking a look.

Leer at - To look or gaze in a suggestive manner.

Rubberneck - To stare at something in a foolish way.

Make out - To manage to see or read with difficulty.

Lay eyes on - To see or look at.

Pore over - To look at or read something intently.

Ogle at - To look at in a lecherous or predatory way.

Pry - To look or inquire into something in a determined manner.

Dart - To look quickly or furtively.

Drink in - To look at with great enjoyment or fascination.

Bask in - To look at or enjoy something for a period of time.

[chars-ramblings]

idk if there's a better feeling than the rush you get from writing a freaky scene tbh

[chars-ramblings]

Nowhere ever feels like home and I'm a little bit sick of it

[chars-ramblings]

Sometimes I wish I never befriended this friend because I'm forced to worry about him most days. It's a terrible thought and makes me feel terribly guilty.

[chars-ramblings]

man I miss obama

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I am VERY worried for the future of the united states if I'm being completely honest. Between rising anti-intellectualism, gay and trans people being used as a scapegoat, attempts to implement religion back in public schooling in certain states, and loads and loads of other things combined with Trump's dozens of executive orders rescinding rights to equal employment and suppression of LGBTQ+ people, I do not have hope! This is not going in a good direction.

At first, I really wanted to believe it would be no different from his first term. Some of my friends were calling some people out for fearmongering and my mom was assuring me (and possibly herself) that he wouldn't do anything worse than his first term. I really wanted to believe that the best possible scenario would take place. However, this optimism changed quickly the minute Trump began his inauguration speech surrounded by what is essentially an oligarchy. It has dwindled more and more with every executive order and every Roman salute Elon Musk decides to do.

I try to look from both sides of the story in any scenario, though I basically always naturally agree with the leftist side of politics, but I genuinely cannot find a reasonable argument for why any of Trump's orders so far are good for this country. What is establishing two genders going to do? Withdrawing from climate pacts? Attempting to remove birthright citizenship? Revoking equal employment opportunities? The promise was that he'd lower grocery and gas prices, but so far the only thing he has done is make me worry for my friends' wellbeing.

I try not to let myself worry too much, but it's difficult when I see the fourteen pillars of fascism and a Project 2025 checklist on my social media feeds. I hope to God I'm worrying for no reason. I hope I can look back at myself and laugh at how paranoid and crazy eighteen year old me was, but I hope I don't look back and curse myself for missing the signs.

[chars-ramblings]

I associate november with that bitch which is unfortunate because I happen to like november a little bit. sighhh

[chars-ramblings]

I was crying again last night and he touched my head and then my mouth with his little cat hand. I love my cat

last night I cried into my pillow and my cat came and sat next to me and purred as loud as he could until I stopped crying and fell asleep. sometimes life is good to me

[chars-ramblings]

thank god I don't know you anymore lol

[chars-ramblings]

last night I cried into my pillow and my cat came and sat next to me and purred as loud as he could until I stopped crying and fell asleep. sometimes life is good to me

[chars-ramblings]

I'm scared of the future and I can't deny it.

I recently turned 18, and yet I still feel as if I'm trapped in my 14 year old mind. I'm going to graduate high school in six months, and yet I still feel as confused as a freshman. How can I be expected to make such big life decisions when I'm still at the peak of puberty, still exploring my own mind, still trying to understand how the world works? I've learned how to file a tax report and budget for a family of four, but all I want to do is watch Minecraft videos and play outside like I used to.

Now, I have to go to college two hours away and live on my own. Even worse, I didn't get into my first choice that I have been dreaming of going to since I found out about it. I sobbed over my applications and stressed for months only to be denied. When I read the email, I momentarily felt as if my life was over. Thankfully, I have another choice, another chance at living. It's not at all where I want to go. It looks like a military base and I often hear about the sexual predators that roam around it. It doesn't offer as good of a program or have the same opportunities, but I suppose it will get the job done. I still wonder sometimes if there was just one word or portfolio item I could have changed to be one of the 25-30 people that got into the program at my first choice.

Not only has the prospect of college overwhelmed me, time has as well. Everything has moved too fast in the past year. Obviously, time moves quicker as years go on since every day becomes relatively shorter, but this year it feels as if every day is only a fraction of what it should have been. I feel I am stuck in March, or even in 2023.

I was thinking earlier about the time capsule we made in elementary school, around 2013 or 2014. I remember thinking that ten or twenty years was so far off, but every year they race past before I can even remember them. I think about elementary school often despite being 18 years old. I think I left part of myself behind when I moved in third grade. Everything is so different now. I live across the country with people I didn't grow up with, 3000 miles from my family. I feel disconnected no matter where I am in the world. I see my friends from my old school liking reels on Instagram about growing up and long distance friendships and wonder if they even think of me. We never talk anymore. Some of them have started college.

I think the most jarring thing for me this year was when I visited my old town and saw every opportunity I would have had. I thought I recognized an old friend at a coffee shop, but I had no way of knowing since it had been eight years.

We stayed with family friends while we were there as well. I had grown up with these friends since I was 5 years old. My memories attached to them are so innocent, like playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii which they no longer own or jumping on the trampoline that is now absent from their back yard. The older brother doesn't live in the house anymore and the younger now has his room, except the younger brother has now gone to college two states away and no one has his room. I still remember when we were 6 and 7 playing in his backyard treehouse that neither of us can fit in anymore. It now sits vacant in the yard of the home with no children left. Now, he works and studies science and gets drunk at parties while I sit in my room all day watching YouTube and drawing. Would it have been different if I still lived there?

Even my friends in this new town have grown faster than me. They work and smoke and drink and get pregnant. I don't want to do these things. They're too old for me. But it feels sometimes like I haven't grown as fast because I haven't done any of it.

Everything is just too fast. I fear my life will end before I can even grasp everything that has happened. My grandparents before me have lived near or even past 100, but at this rate, 80 more years doesn't feel like enough. And what if it isn't 80 more years? I have trouble saving for the long term future, because what if there is no future? I once saw a video of a woman who worked from the minute she woke up to the minute she went to sleep and her reasoning was so she could retire early. I read the comments, one of which said, "What is all of this work if you don't even live to 55?" Sometimes I wonder if my mindset would be different had I not read that comment. Sometimes I wonder if a lot of things would be different had I not read or seen things. Would I be happier if I never saw my old town or old friends again?

The future is surely uncertain. I want to believe it will all be okay, but as I write this with only two days to Christmas, I worry that nothing will ever be okay. Will it be okay? Will it?

[chars-ramblings]

I wish I was a hot blonde lando norris fan