hardcheapknock-blog

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Fun & Games: The HCK Matching Game

Fun & Games: The HCK Matching Game

There’s a crazy game we’re playin’ And, of course, it features Satch It’s got characters you love so much And you got to find a match

First you flip a card over Then you flip another one If those cards, they aren’t a-matchin’ Well, dang! That ain’t no fun!

There’s a timer that’s a-ticking So you got to play real quick I’m afraid we have to warn you You might just see a dick!

So play our matching…

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Star Wars EP9 Trailer / movie musings

Star Wars EP9 Trailer / movie musings

Oh shit! The last Star Wars movie to be ever made trailer has dropped at the Star Wars Celebration in our lovely city of Chicago!

And the speculation has begun on what the title means. Well I’ve thought long and hard for the last 10 hours which reminds me I needed to be somewhere 6 hours ago. Well I’ll just split in a clean 50 seconds then to make up for it. Anyways the title is The Rise of…

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[themify_box color=”gray”]Cheesecake nuggets deep fried to golden perfection, served with your choice of dipping sauce: Probing Pistachio©, Venusian Vessel Vanilla©, or Grey Sauce©. The perfect snack for when you and your roommates can’t sleep and have to resolve the usual issues like when you don’t have enough Burt Reynolds tickets to go around or you simply can’t remember where you buried your flamboyantly gay cook 7 years ago.

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Quigley & McClane in “Get Golden” Cheesecake nuggets deep fried to golden perfection, served with your choice of dipping sauce: Probing Pistachio©, Venusian Vessel Vanilla©, or Grey Sauce©. 62 more words

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Billy Joel didn’t start the fire but… ... he sure as hell made me stop listening to music after this masterpiece. In 1989 an unknown young Billie Joel released a song named We didn’t start the Fire.

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As every year passes we all reflect on what we have done and accomplished. The ups and downs of another 12 months in the books. What we did well. What we could of done better. Our successes and failures. The friends you made. The lovers you have loved. A chance to prepare for the future from learning from the past. And how many pizzas you ate. I ate at least 50 pizzas.

oh this was a good one.

deep dish – made me sick

Shit maybe I should of taken a photo of the actual pizza. Happy New Year!

My year in review As every year passes we all reflect on what we have done and accomplished. The ups and downs of another 12 months in the books.

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Dribble Cock

Man-O-Man am I getting old.

I used to be able to strike a “Superman” pose while at the urinal. My hands on my hips, cape fluttering in the breeze while taking a whiz. All proud of the good deed I was performing. I was like a Bluetooth headset, completely “hands free”. But as the years rolled on, Supes had to start holding onto…

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Halloween PSA: Novelty Animal Skeletons

Halloween PSA: Novelty Animal Skeletons

And now, a Halloween Public Service Announcement from HCK correspondent, Jonny Assdirt.

There’s all sorts of people in this world. There’s the kind that have inflatable Frankensteins running 24/7 on their front lawns. There’s the kind that buy spooky, cheap, Chinese-made, battery-operated punch bowls that say things like, “I’m full of blood!”. Then there’s ME… Jonny Assdirt here.

The other day…

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  Real Conversations Between Two Sandtroopers Stationed On Tatooine, Episode 1

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PAGE 1 Four horizontal panels. http://www.comicbookpaper.com/comic/?title=cp76 PANEL 1 Title, wide horizontal. A tusken raider is perched on a rocky ledge. He is sighting down a long rifle at a very distant target. NARRATOR A real conversation between two Sandtroopers stationed on Tatooine. PANEL 2 Horizontal Establishing shot of two stormtroopers standing at attention in a desert scene. Could have background elements including tents/barracks, dewbacks, sand volleyball, etc. NARRATOR Sandtrooper ML-547 ML-547 Aw Nerfdwang! NARRATOR Sandtrooper DJ-184 DJ-184 What’s wrong? PANEL 3 Horizontal Pull in to the two troopers, roughly chest-up. ML-547 I just realized we’re not on Dewback patrol tomorrow. DJ-184 Aw ACES! I still can't get used to the smell of Dewback. PANEL 4 Big and wide Full-view shot of the ITT. Troopers are getting into the side compartments. Possible actions: high-fiving, one helping another into the compartment, one slid out of his and is dazed on the ground. ML-547 Narrative Box Yeah, BUT if we’re not on Dewbackback, that means we’re riding on an Imperial Troop Transporter. PAGE 2 http://www.comicbookpaper.com/comic/?title=cp186 PANEL 1 Square DJ-184 What’s the big deal? Beats walking! ML-547 I'll tell you what the big deal is: CG-017. PANEL 2 Square DJ-184 R.I.P. ML-547 You got that right. DJ-184 What's CG-017 got to do with riding the ITT? Did he get run over? PANEL 3 Wide panel CG-017's helmet and head explode from a sniper shot. B&W "flashback" style. ML-547 Narrative Box You were out sick last time. CG-017 took a Tusken Raider sniper shot right to the beelpop. DJ-184 Narrative Box How'd that happen? PANEL 4 Square ML-547 If we’re on an ITT, that means six of us have to hang out "side- saddle" while the officers ride in the cockpit. DJ-184 Oh. Crap. PANEL 5 Square ML-547 Yup. You can't even duck. Easier targets than womprats. DJ-184 Womprats? PAGE 3 http://www.comicbookpaper.com/comic/?title=cp75 PANEL 1 Wide panel of a Womprat. Demonstrate that it is two meters. ML-547 Narrative Box Yeah, this planet is infested with them. They're the slowest, fattest, easiest-to-shoot rodents in the Tatoo system. DJ-184 Narrative Box Wow, you really know this planet. PANEL 2 Square ML-547 Hence the saying, “Like bullseying womprats in a T-16.” DJ-184 <blink blink> PANEL 3 Square DJ-184 What’s a bulls eye? ML-547 Not sure. PANEL 4 Large wide DJ-184 Narrative Box Ohhhhh, the T16… The vehicle known the galaxy over for having the most dummy-proof targeting assistance system ever built. I always wondered about that saying. PAGE 4 http://www.comicbookpaper.com/comic/?title=cp50 PANEL 1 ML-547 Yeah, they practically fly themselves. I'm not even sure why you have to go to an academy to get a license. PANEL 2 DJ-184's helmet bursts open in a shower of blood. ML-547 recoils in horror. PANEL 3 Tusken raiders wave their gaffi sticks in the air with victorious glee. PANEL 4 A pack of womp rats sniff the air in attention. PANEL 5 An empty, bloody helmet rolls down an incline, leaving a trail in the sand. PANEL 6 A dewback snickers in grunting huffs. DEWBACK Hurfff-urff-urff* NARRATOR *Now THAT'S a Hard Cheap Knock! PANEL 7 Wide ML-547 Nothing good ever happens on this fucking planet.

The majority of the art for this post was created while enjoying beers at Chicago’s Beermiscuous.

Reference Attribution

  “Star Wars Photoshoot-Tatooine Before The” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by Darryl W. Moran Photography

  481 Days to SW EP9 – A Real Conversation Between Two Sandtroopers Stationed on Tatooine PAGE 1 Four horizontal panels. PANEL 1 Title, wide horizontal. A tusken raider is perched on a rocky ledge.

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New Comics

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In Memoriam - Charlotte Rae 1926-2018

In Memoriam – Charlotte Rae 1926-2018

With a heavy heart we announce the passing of TV’s sassy housekeeper and more Charlotte Rae. We cobbled this memoriam together to share her exuberant personality. RIP Mrs G.

Thank you for sharing the facts of life. They really are all about us.

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The HCK Players in "Poop Justice for Double Parking"

The HCK Players in “Poop Justice for Double Parking”

Sooo… Say you saw a guy parking in your neighborhood, on your block, and he takes up two spots with his car. Like right while you’re waking by. Do you say something?

Naw. If I was driving and looking I might say can you squeeze in. I did that once. The guy was reluctant. I tried to squeeze in and I could. Thanked him for trying.

I…

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America, Thanks for Making Kool Klench™ the Number One Anti-Fungal Cream Spread in America!

America, Thanks for Making Kool Klench™ the Number One Anti-Fungal Cream Spread in America!

(Advertisement)

America, guess what? You love to vote. With your dollars of course! [put in red and blue dollar signs that come on screen and flash on and off]

we experience each other’s victories as something very deeply

And in so doing, you have voted Kool Klench™ as the  45th president of Anti-fungal pastes, spreads, compounds, and balms. Can I get an amen? (now you say: “Amen!”) People…

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Neal's Corner #6 - ASMR

Neal’s Corner #6 – ASMR

Hiiiiiiii. I’m Neal McDoogin. Spell it anyway you waaant just don’t call me Jessie if there is another Jessie around. Esmowa. That was a joke. Welcome to my sixth Neal’s Corner. They say Wednesdays are hump days but you should see my velvet couch on a Thursday. Anyway enough chiiiiit chaaaat. So NEal McDoogin has been trickedblessed to enter the magical world of ASMR videos. Watch and listen. I…

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Let me ‘splain the vague title of this post. It wasn’t till the tender age of 47 that I could come out and say how fascinated I was by the butts sculpted on the original Kenner Star Wars figure line. Yes I’m talking about the ones from 1977-1985. Some were amazing, some you had to hunt for under a cape (vinyl and cloth) and some were unenthusiastically sad. I have gone ahead without my uncle’s permission and rated just some of the notable plastic fannies. So it might change if he finds out. So keep it quiet. Also I have no formal training in butt ranking or punching for that matter as I went to a state school. Let’s begin.

Princess Leia

I’m sure you are thinking they probs did a sweet job on all the female characters in the original Trilogy. And you’d be half wrong. The first Leia’s dumper wasn’t great. You knew where it was. It rounded as it went south but wouldn’t be comfortable sitting for a long time. I give it a 5/10.

Hoth Leia had a partial eclipse of the butt. Her heavy quilted jacket covered about half of it. Pourquoi!?!? 3/10

Bespin Leia. Oh Bespin Leia. You had to make me do some extra work to find your diplomatic tush! Was it good? The answer may surprise you. No. 2/10

Endor Leia. Not too bad but I’ll take my business elsewhere. It’s all yours Wicket. 6/10

where it needed to be

waste of a good butt

baby is sans back

a nice rainy day butt

Droids

Ev-9D9. I’m not sure why you had so much attitude down in Jabba’s dungeon. Your facebook butt status is complicated at best. 2/10

Now Artoo Detoo I can only surmise to have just one lingering anus hole. As I yoot I could put a white marble in it. And I did. Just a big ol asshole tunnel inviting marbles left and right. 1/10

IG-88 has something happening and i don’t know what yet. A very confused 4/10

C-3Pio and Death Star Droid actually both had nice metallic bottoms. No lie. Bonus points because you can see yourself in them. Thank the fanny maker! 7/10

no. you learn some respect

inviting marbles

get back to me

I can see me!

I can see me too!

Aliens

Oh dear Hammerhead. I appreciate the effort but no dice. Kudos for the 1 piece turquoise turtleneck bathing suit though. 5/10

Did the Ugnaught come through with a juicy butt? – UGNO they didnt! 2/10

For some reason I had high hopes for Barada. It wants to be good. But alas no. 4/10

You had me at Ree, Mister Yees. 3/10

Jawa – Small. Cute. Simple. 6/10

Droopy McCool doesn’t disappoint if you never heard his name before. A very droopy 3/10 wah wah.

Now we have the mighty Chewbacca as Jabba said. Must of been referring to his hair for days butt. Only on the list because I might, ahem, relate. #asshairaway 5/10

Same goes for Chief Chirpa. A butt for radio. 5/10

Max Rebo. Um not sure how they pulled off a damp sweaty bottom but they did. I think I used a kleenex to pick him up. 2/10

Nien Nunb! I will say it is a nice blue collar butt. He does his business and doesn’t need a parade or high five if he succeeds. 6/10

Gamorrean Guard. A butt among men and men who look like animals. 7/10 because I don’t make the rules, my uncle does.

Walrus Man looks like he sat in a fish bowl. A very moist 3/10

turtleneck onesie

hard no.

what could of been. sigh.

maybe someday

adorable

what’s in a name?

he must have one stinky comb

actual forest of Endor

get some talc

satisfactory

expected

saggy drawers

No country for old butts

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Just about a Ghost Anakin and Emperor Palpatine each had the square butt affliction. Which was really disappointing. I expected more due to their force abilities.

The Emporer! Boring. Booooooring. “It was I who made my fanny square. And BTW your faith in your friends is yours.” What? 3/10

Hey Ben! Lego called and it wants it block back. 1/10

Old Man Anakin. Don’t bend over it makes it worse!!! And it looks like an old McDonald’s playland tree talking to me. 1/10

Vader’s butt on the other hand was quite exceptional. I know it was made before Hayden Christensen was cast some 30 years later but I think it just foreshadowed his youthful rear. The ridges make you want to run your fingers across them and make that fart sound. You know the one. 8/10

rise my friend

#lego

feeeed meeee…

ripple tush

Notables

You knew Rancor Keeper’s mud maker would be the talk of the dungeon but it’s everything you thought it would be – substantial. 3/10

Twin Pod Car Pilot – nice little separation of the cheeks. Who knew? 5/10

ATAT Walker Driver. Not bad. The vertical strap leads me to and fro. 7/10

Compliments to the outside thong X-Wing Pilot Luke. But you can’t resort to trickery or sleight of butt. 6/10

B-Wing Pilot gave me a run for my money. He and the A-Wing Pilot actually. Simple and to the point hindquarters for them both. 7/10

I had no idea how good Lobot’s just as quiet butt was until I revisited it. It’s got some tightness and the thong lines are working buddy! But I cannot be won over that easily. 7/10

Carbonite Han Solo. A satisfactory workman’s style derriere. Not too flashy but not gonna be the first in the pool either. 6/10

Dengar! Try as he might he couldn’t garner up a hot BHB. (Bounty Hunter Butt) 5/10

Yoda’s seat is interesting. It is so small yet special albeit tiny. Judged him by the size of his butt I did and apologize whole heartedly I do. 7/10

substantial

boop

‘splittin the difference

outer thong

good job

way to be

shh…quiet butt crossing

satisfactory

C’est la vie!

boop. boop.

Winners

To be honest I was prepared to hand this over to Greedo going into this thing. His was the one in which I remember the most. His crack started at his shoulders. It was smooth. Great lift. A butt you could bring home to your mom and say “Mom, This is Greedo’s butt and I love it and I don’t care if anyone knows!” And it didn’t hurt that it was green if you catch my drift? And I think you do. 9.75/10

BUT lo and behold here comes 2 fannies with a purpose! 4-LOM (futurely Zuckuss) and Tie Fighter Pilot. Mercy me! They are butts I’ll never be. They’re butts I’ll never have. Just like Depeche Mode said, “I just cant get enough!” Shit. Even when they didn’t said “I wanna show you the world in my butt”. 10/10 for them both! Congratulations to them all!

Shit. Here comes my uncle…

juicy

hubba

bubba

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  Vintage SW Figure Butts was sponsored by this sobering Butt Punching PSA. Listen. At least 5 in 8 people you know or may start to know within weeks will definitely get their butts punched within 38 months. This isn’t a game. Just stop before you are about to punch that butt. Think about that butt. Think about your butt. Just think. And lower your fist before it is too late.

      Best Vintage Star Wars Figure Butts for now Let me 'splain the vague title of this post. It wasn't till the tender age of 47 that I could come out and say how fascinated I was by the butts sculpted on the original Kenner Star Wars figure line.

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Just Sayin’: The O Button Just remember, it's not like tomorrow a scientist is going to invent a device where you push a button and you have the most intense orgasm you've ever had in your life.

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HCK Music Digestion: Juliana Hatfield Sings Olivia Newton-John

HCK Music Digestion: Juliana Hatfield Sings Olivia Newton-John

Gundy once met JH and the Blake Babies. To date, he does not have an equally embarrassing ON-J story.

Gundy is here to inform you of several mind-blowing facts:

Juliana Hatfield recently recorded an album of Olivia Newton-John covers

Your boy Gundy is a huge fan of both JH and ON-J

You’re about to get schooled on the sheer awesomeness of both of these talented ladies, song by freaking song, in no…