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these boys are ready for some good country cooking at reasonable prices

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blogging

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2025 Resolutions

Hello! It is January 3rd, 2025. Sorry I've missed the resolutions post from 2024. I'm very much aware that no one reads this blog and it's more for my own personal reference, but still. About twice as much stuff has happened since the last post in relation to the other resolutions posts as a result. Q2 and Q3 2023 was mostly wedding planning. The wedding went well! We had an incredible honeymoon in Bora Bora. While we were out there, my grandfather died, so I had to travel soon after arriving back in California to go back to my hometown. That was not a great time at all. Fast forward a year from that, and my wife and I spent our anniversary in Florence, Italy! This was the final leg of a trip to Scotland to visit my mom, who lives there after retiring. At the beginning of 2024 my wife and I moved into a townhouse that we rent not because we can't afford a house (although ehhhh), but because there are way more rentals open than actual houses to purchase.

Work has changed a lot. At the beginning of 2023, we started shifting a lot to AI (Wow! Amazing! What a surprise!). I got the previous project to a good place, then switched to making GitHub Copilot-likes and AI Assistants. That's where I've been for the past year and a half. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Luckily, I might be working on something that our users will actually use and find useful soon, maybe. Also, I'm just a regular senior software engineer now. They took away my direct reports. Well, "taking away" isn't totally accurate as much as my manager saying that I am a better engineer than manager, and me agreeing with him. Besides, that principal engineer in the previous post? Gone, kicked out. Another direct report left from burnout mid-2023. Another got kinda sorta pushed out in 2024. All of them I was happy to see go, for a variety of reasons. Just one person is left in terms of people I used to manage. Am I happier? For a while no, as I was working through these cloudy feelings of failure for a while. Then yes, when I realized I was indeed happier. Though right now, it kinda varies from project to project. There's this concept of a "staff engineer", where generally, you give up individual coding for more meetings, coordination of people, alignment, glue work, mentoring, etc. The idea behind it is that this is the "next level" beyond a senior engineer. Coding a lot of stuff really fast can only get you so far up the food chain. To keep climbing, you've got to increase your scope and influence. I've been reading books and focusing on that for career goals lately. Since the last post, the stock price has gone down a LOT. Then it went up some. Then it went down some. And so on. Right now it's up, and seems to be staying there, knock on wood. The tradeoff of the stock going down is that my wife works at the same company I do, and makes about as much and I do, and together we make a relative boatload of money. The stock is worth less, but I have more of it. Could I retire? Still probably not. But! It's enough to be a cushion I could theoretically coast on for a lifetime, if I'm smart about it and cut back a lot of things. The economy has gotten really shaky for tech workers. A lot of people have lost their jobs, and months have gone by without getting another one. Linkedin is full of these stories, and it's scary. As much as I'd want to explore a break, I feel really lucky to have what I have. Especially as the video-game-like trend continuing of things just getting harder (looking at you, incoming president).

I just finished reading a book called Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow. it was about two very close friends who start a game company and make some games over the course of their lives, and go through various states of their relationship during those times. One thing it made me think about is time. Time moves fast, and as you get older, it feels like it moves faster. I think this was smartly illustrated by the book by more and more time passing, on average, between individual chapters. I think this happens with a lot of books and stories, and the passing of time and relationships changing over time is a common theme of life, but this story made me think about that in particular. Time is moving quickly. Like, the time it took to pass through 3 years of high school felt like forever, ages, eons. The time it took for me to get through 6 years of college felt enormous. In both of those time periods, I wasn't even remotely close to being the same person at the beginning than I was at the end. I grew by leaps and bounds. I changed dramatically and learned so much. But I look at me now, and the me from 3-4 years ago? Pretty similar. That scares me. Change scares me, but not changing scares me even more. Maybe I've changed more than I think though. It's weird to think that at 33 years old, I'm at a temporal twilight of my life. Surely not, right? I haven't even had kids yet! We might this year though, we will see.

2025 is the year of the Snake, they say. Wikipedia says it's a year of transformation, renewal, and spiritual growth. I'm paying attention to that transformation myself. I'd like to lose weight and build some muscle, I'd like to learn how to be a dad and do a good job with it, I'd like to make progress to reach the next level of my career. I'm working to renew my fighting spirit. I need to remember to be confident, even aggressive when I need to be. I no longer want to shy away from conflict. I want to practice keeping my focus on something, and having my mind wander less. I also want to be calmer, more resilient. I just want to be all-around better, and I want to do that by focusing on those individual issues. Times keep getting harder, and I want to rise to the occasion.

So, individual resolutions:

Get better at public speaking. I've been consistently bad at it. I want to be better.

Gain some muscle. Use those free weights I got. Actually use the Peloton I still have (and admittedly do use roughly twice a week).

Remember to be confident and focused. Keep presence of mind as much as I can.

Learn how to be a dad, or at least read some baby books.

Thanks for reading, future me. I bet you're on your way towards meeting those resolutions. Here's to you. I imagine you now in my mind's eye. I feel gratitude. I hope you feel like the past year wasn't a waste. I'll try to make sure it isn't.

[hardwarevent]

2023 Resolutions

It is now January 1st, 2023, and I almost forgot to do my annual post. What a year it has been! I got engaged, and I definitely did more travel than before, to hit my previous resolution. I went to Poland with my now-fiancee (we got engaged over there!), and I also took a trip to Patagonia a few months ago. I haven't given any music a try though, and I might actually weigh more than before. That's okay though, healthiness is a process. I've also learned a bunch of Polish through Duolingo!

My biggest focus this year has been work, for sure. I now have 4 direct reports (plus one principal engineer that de-facto reports to me) and I'm likely to get more in the new year if all goes well. The past year's project has dragged on and on, and I'm ready to put the final few nails in the coffin once I get back to work. I'm also super ready to work on some new projects.

From a money standpoint, all that talk of retiring early last year has blown up. I should have sold in November 2021, even with the shitty tax situation that would result in. So, either there's another tech boom, or I'm stuck on the 9-5 horse for the foreseeable future. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in financial ruin, just not "early retirement" rich. Oh well, maybe next year.

As far as this year in general goes, it's been a lot of talk about inflations and recessions and wars in Ukraine. Crypto has crashed, and tech and metaverse talk along with it. The world slowly marches forward in time. The fiancee and I want to buy a house in the Bay area, but even with recession talk, even shitty houses are so expensive. Even 2 high-powered software engineers can't afford a decent starter home comfortably. If we can't, then who can? It's like scaling difficulty in video games. Nothing ever gets easier. I'm not hopeful about prices going down honestly, though one can hope.

Anyway, new years resolution time!

Actually put together a plan to lose weight. Get back on the Peloton, do yoga, strength training, anything

Get married (easy since it's in the plan, hard from a logistical standpoint)

Aim for getting to the next level up at work, which is a full manager

Read a book a month, or at least read regularly

Do self-actualization stuff like learning an instrument

Anyway, that's about it. A pretty short update, but it's hard to focus while fielding questions about weddings from my mom, sitting on the same couch as last year while the fiancee is in my mom's jacuzzi bath.

I figure no one is listening, but thanks for reading, and I'll see you next year.

[hardwarevent]

2022 Resolutions

Well hello again! Looks like this has now become a new year's resolution blog for a now-30 year old dude. I'm typing this on my phone from the guest bed in my mom's house, with my girlfriend hanging out here with me. This year has been... a year! Boy howdy. I mean, it's actually gone somewhat smoothly for me all things considered, but things have been getting pretty tumultuous in the US from a political and economic perspective. There's this thing where like, 30% of the country believes that the current president is illegitimate (factually false), and the states whose constitutents mostly believe that are pushing through laws to restrict voting and maybe even change who gets elected to office if they disagree with who it is? Very scary stuff! It might end up getting nasty, and may end up with some real fascist stuff happening very soon. I think the fault is kind of at a structural level with, like just how the country is set up, so I'm thinking about maybe moving away from the US sometime soon. But yeah, They're really ramping up the general ambient difficulty of life in general all around, except if you are rich and white.

Speaking of rich and white, my company went through a public offering this year! I now have more money than I actively know what to do with, and given some stock logistics, as long as I stick around at my job for another 6 months or so and the stock price remains around where it is at now, I would have enough money to sort of just retire, and live off of the ambient income that is gotten from the invested money. The amount of money made from that would be a level that would be comfortable anywhere in the world (except maybe the center of really big cities). This has opened up some very personal, existential questions about what exactly I am doing here on this earth. It's a pretty common exercise where people ask "If money weren't a thing, what would you be doing with your life?" And it is a useful exercise, but people might hide behind the hypotheticalness of the whole question and might not really believe their answer, because the likelihood of them retiring would either be far away or just straight-up nonexistant. However, for me, not only is it a non-hypothetical question, it is one that I've been actively asking myself and pondering like a beautiful orb. The time where I will have what the biz calls "fuck you money" and the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do, whatever that is, has almost arrived. And what is that? Well, I still don't know. However! I have inklings, pieces of a puzzle I still haven't sorted out yet. I would very much like to travel (but might not be able to freely, thanks COVID). I would like to, at some point, get married and have kids. I have a bucket list that, given the amount of money I have, I should just be able to kind of just knock out given a few months of leisure time (which is doable). I have ideas of how this pieces might go together or flow into each other. But that's pretty much it. Well, maybe this is where new years resolutions will come in! I didn't actually set any last year, so I'll take the opportunity to now.

- get down to a healthy weight: this will involve a routine and diet, most likely. My weight has continued to balloon up to the 185 to even 190 range, which is baaaaad. Under 170 is ideal, but 160 is my goal.

- travel as much as I can: i wanna be creative with it! I want to see so many places I've never been, stamp up my passport, all that jazz.

- Read some books: I got lots of books, books are fun, let's read them instead of sitting on my ass and zoning out after work! I also want to keep a list of finished books.

- Learn more Polish: Hard to quantify, but I'd like to get semi-conversationally good. Maybe there's standardized tests I could look at.

- Pick out an instrument and practice it: I like guitar, I like piano, I'd even count FL studio knowledge, or music theory class.

I think asking for more is pushing it in terms of feasibility, so let's stick with this. I think that, through pursuing these goals, I will help that big "what would I do if money wasn't an object" question. But that's all I got for now. So, to all of the people (who may or may not exist) reading this, I wish you a happy, healthy new year, and may all your wishes (and resolutions) come true.

[hardwarevent]

2021 Resolutions

Hey! It’s me again, back after 2 whole years. New Year’s Day is one of the best times for meditation on the past year and expectations/goals for the upcoming one, so here I am, tip-typing away at the same computer I’ve had since I’ve started this blog (It still does the job! No issues *knocks on wood*). So, reviewing the 2019 goals. This past year, as you might figure, was 2020. It was not a great year for a lot of people. For me, pandemic aside, it was actually okay! First, I’ll see if I accomplished my goals I set out for in 2019 (and also 2020, can’t remember what happened when). Here are my goals and results -Reach next level of position at work: Yes, and then some! This year I actually got promoted TWICE. This is one part where I feel kinda guilty. Most people’s 2020s were pretty bad, but on a bird’s eye level, mine was pretty good. -Read though a book that will improve my programming, and a book that would improve managerial skill: Yes to both! I read through uhh Code Complete 2 at some point? Not this year though, but last year maybe. But this year I read through https://www.amazon.com/Managing-Humans-Humorous-Software-Engineering/dp/1430243147 which was a fantastic book for getting insights on the ins and outs of being an engineering manager. This is really good because now I’m a Technical Lead at my job, and have 2 engineers who work under me and am responsible for. -Make a 10% (including the deterioration by adding money) profit in the stock market. The measure is that by 1 year chart should show above 10% increase: I’m not sure for 2019 because I switched from Robinhood to ETrade and so I’m not sure of the money counts. However, since I switched at around when 2020 started, I can check to see how my account looks and it would be an accurate measurement. The total unrealized gain I have is currently 13%, which means I did it! Literally all I did was invest in $SPY/$VOO and sell way OTM covered calls. Even though there has been massive amounts of suffering and poverty in the US this year, the stock market didn’t really reflect that overall, so as long as you’re rich enough to own a bunch of stocks, things were good this year. USA: Great as long as you’re upper class 🙃 -Do 5k-10k training: I think I did in 2019, but 2020 was tough. I’ll make this a goal for this year. -Maintain a healthy weight: I can aim for 160-165 for this year, but that would mean bringing this into focus. I can do that I think. I’ll keep it in mind. - As far as being a calmer, more positive person, I think that’s something that’s still in progress. Progress is being made though, and sometimes that’s all you can ask for. I’m part of a book club now, and we are currently reading https://www.amazon.com/Art-Happiness-Handbook-Living/dp/1573227544/ which has been really good. Basically, the idea is that by becoming kinder and more compassionate, you will bring happiness into your life. I can see that for sure. Part of it apparently is to put yourself into situations where positivity is easier/more likely, and avoid things which cause negativity. I think my life path reflects that, and the resulting boost in positivity (my previous posts outline what I mean I think).  So yeah! Not bad. I think for this year I will keep the 10% stock market gain goal and Healthy weight gain goal, and additionally I would like to read a book a month, I feel like that is a great goal that promotes growth.  So, some of you (none of you, given what’s happened on Tumblr and this blog following) may be wondering: What DID happen with me this year? Well, I’ve been working from home since March. Programming was a great career to have going into this pandemic, because programming is a career that is usually solitary and portable (wherever you have a computer works). I moved in with my GF mentioned in my last post, and she is still awesome and I still do not deserve her. The place we have now sucks, but we plan to move into a nicer place in February (she is also a programmer so we can afford a pretty decent place if we really want one). We moved into this place last February with the thought of "yeah we will both be at work so we don’t need a super nice place if we will not be in it often” and lo and behold, Murphy’s Law strikes, and this apartment has been a cage sometimes. Since my workspace is also my deskspace is also our bedroom, I have probably been in this particular room for the vast majority of 2020.... putting it that way, that is pretty sad. It’s not even that nice of a room, though it does have a sliding window that leads to our patio thing, which has a scenic view of... the parking lot, mostly. Hopefully 2021 will be better. I definitely don’t want to say “how could it be worse than 2020?” Because it will be. Side note: revisiting this blog after 2 years since the last post, and like 3 years since I wrote in it somewhat regularly, it’s a ride. There’s this frenetic-ness in my thoughts and posts that I no longer have. I was pretty neurotic back then. I think I still am, but maybe I’ve gotten better at hiding/ignoring it. That being said, with that frenetic-ness there is a creativity I feel like I no longer have. It’s sad to me, because that creativity is something I hoped to have with me my whole life. Maybe it’s best that I no longer really have it. Rereading all of these posts gives me anxiety, as though they were imbued with the anxiety that consumed me back then, and by rereading the posts I feel the echoes of what once was. Maybe some things are left buried. This blog is one of them, I suppose. I like it as a yearly new year’s resolution’s/yearly update blog at least. Here’s to 2021, and here’s to a continued happy, improved existence.

[hardwarevent]

2019 Resolutions

Why hello there, all of my... like, 8 followers. Since it is the new year, I thought I would meditate on the past year a little, review the goals I had, see how many of them I hit, and set some up for the new year.

At the moment, I'm sitting on a big-ass L couch in my mom's fancy-ass house in Ohio. I have some caramel tea within arms reach, which has no milk or sugar in it, because that's how I drink my caffeine. My stepdad and little brother are downstairs watching Murder Mountain on this dank entertainment system they have. I feel... calm, relaxed. My stomach is a little upset because my diet here has been shit.

So overall, I did a lot of growing in 2018. I didn't hit too many of my goals honestly, see https://hardwarevent.tumblr.com/post/169280786938/2018-plans , and I believe part of this was me being unrealistic and setting myself up for failure. I need to either make more realistic goals, or be more serious about reaching them.

This year I got more into stock trading, and at one point I had gained $10000, only to lose $20000 in 3 months, ending the year on a big loss. I consider it a price of the learning experience, though it doesn't make me any less salty about it.

This year I also got a lot into philosophy. I've read some books on stoicism, the path of yoga, and I've thought a lot in regards to what to do in order to make myself a better, happier person. I think there are a million ways to make yourself a better person, and this year I'm going to focus a lot more on making myself the most awesome person I can be.

This year I got a girlfriend! She is awesome and I don't deserve her. The battles of traversing dating sites and going on awkward first dates is over for the foreseeable future. What has this taught me? That I am terrible at online dating, online dating sucks, and just meet people through mutual friends like people are meant to.

Work has been good. I haven't really "progressed" in terms of my title, but I feel like I have learned a lot this past year, which is great. I think this year is very much a make-or-break in terms of our company, and if things aren't looking good at the end of this year (outside of non-business stuff such as a global recession), then I might need to start searching for a different job. At the end of 2019, I would be at this job for 2.5 years, which is right around where you're supposed to switch positions or companies in order to have maximum salary gains. We will see.

Okay, so that largely sums up how my life went in 2019. Now for some goals!

-Reach next level of position at work. I've been there long enough, so I think I can do it. I need to figure out what it's gonna take, then do it.

-Read though a book that will improve my programming, and a book that would improve managerial skill. More work stuff.

-Make a 10% (including the deterioration by adding money) profit in the stock market. The measure is that by 1 year chart should show above 10% increase.

-Do 5k-10k training. Last year I started it, stopped it for random reason. I want to start it, and finish it, no matter what.

-Maintain a healthy weight. The holidays always fuck this up, and I'm probably like 175 right now. I wanna push that back down to 160-165 through diet and exercise.

I think that's pretty much it. I could make more generic goals, like "become a more well-rounded, calm, positive person" but that's hard to measure.

Anyway, I'll check back later to talk about how this is going.

[hardwarevent]

I Don't know what goes through my head sometimes

So things have been okay recently, I've been going on 4 months with the new gf. Smash Ultimate came out, which is cool. We tend to hang out with a group of her friends at their place, and we played Smash. There was a point where it was me and my gf left. I got this weird compulsion, and I jumped off the stage. At this point, it was very much like a RPG "Everyone disliked that" scenario. So hey, that's the scene I want to set. What DOES go through my head? It was a combination of "let your gf win" and "do the opposite of what everyone expects". But why though? The funny part is, this same scenario has happened one OTHER TIME before. Not with my current gf, but with C. We were all having a board game party, and we were playing Masquerade, which is like a werewolf-like game where you win by getting coins and stuff. C was literally texting and not paying attention for most of the game, and you could tell everyone was getting pissed off about it. Anyway, so a turn of events happened, and by the hands of fate, it was my turn, with C next, with C obviously having a "winning" character by process of elimination (as in they could say they are who they say they are, no one could stop them, and they would win). Only, it was my turn, and I had the opportunity to swap (or not) my character with theirs. So I could either not swap and infer that I did, and they would call the bluff and I would win, or I could let them keep the winning card and the person who wasnt paying attention and didnt care and by all accounts did not deserve to win, would win. Guess what I chose?

I thought it was hilarious, and I'm pretty sure I was the only one.

So a similar deal happened again, just today. Why am I like this? Is it self sabotage, or a twisted sense of humor? You know, I'm especially disappointed in myself. I kept telling myself to not pull stupid shit in front of my gfs friends, but then I do. Consistently. It's some strange compulsion. I'm trying my best to isolate it and say "no, me, don't be a fucking idiot, act like a normal person, don't pull any stunts" but nope, as Hobo Johnson says, "I'm a little stunt-puller from birth". I guess all I wanted to do was vent, because I'm so frustrated in myself. I can't tone it down when playing games, I can't learn how to do back handsprings at gymnastics, I can't change, even though I want to. Everything else is fine. Except the stock market. Fuck tariff man. Oh, and I still need to get my gf a Christmas gift. Fuck me right, being an adult sucks. I dunno what else to say. My brain is dumb. Maybe itll get better sometime. Maybe I'm just starting a long road to insanity. I guess we will see with time.

[hardwarevent]

Complacency

So I've been running into some stuff lately. One of them is I have this weird dizziness thing now that came up I think in the last week or so, like I get split-second vertigo things when I move my head around too much. Another thing is.... well, I'm kind of bored. A big problem I'm having at the moment is, my job is going well, the girlfriend thing is going well (the stage fright thing was mostly just me not being comfortable enough, now it's totally fine and things are going well), and now I'm running to the issue of, like, what's next? I feel like I'm just waiting around now for something. I have a bunch of free time even with a full time job, I have pretty much everything I could realistically want, what I've been aiming for, and now, like, now what? It's like when you've finished all the quests in a zone, or collected all the items in a level. Now what?

I think I may have mentioned this some time in the past, but I thrive on people telling me what to do, because I'm most comfortable doing things, solving problems, not just my own problems but other people's problems too. When someone like me runs out of goals, runs out of stuff to accomplish, I feel blank, idle.... and that's where complacency comes in, I guess. I hate being complacent. I believe that, as soon as someone is comfortable with where they are and don't push themselves forward with ambition or goals, whether it's at age 20 or 50 or 80, that's when people stop growing, and that's when they stop living. If you could "autoplay" your life, like go through it on autopilot and be content, I think you're not really living, because you're not using your agency to make any moves or change anything. I suppose this means you're not living unless you're hungry, unless you're unhappy with who you are, so you have the power and drive to change it. Maybe happiness means complacency, then. And that's what scares me, that's not what I want to become. If being happy means being complacent, I'd rather be unhappy. I want to attack a new problem, a bigger problem. However, whenever it falls on me to think of a new goal for myself, it's always tough. My friendships and activities feel stale too. It's like, all the friends I have were best for me in a previous stage of life, and I'm not sure if that's like an elitist thing to say, like I'm better than all the friends I have now. They say that you're a combination of the 5 or 6 people you hang out with the most, and the 5 or 6 people I hang out with are not really who I strive to be like anymore. I want to grow and change and evolve to the best version of myself, and my friends seem like they're just.... there. I feel like I've outgrown gymnastics too, and even video games feel like they're only for me to pass the time with until I figure our what to do with myself. I long for purpose.

Apparently, this is something a lot of people run into. This is that "meaning of life" thing that literally everyone struggles with. Why am I here? What's my purpose? And then people fill this hole in their soul with whatever, religion, jobs, kids.... It's actually been a while since I've asked myself, what do I want? Who do I want to be? How am I going to get there? I don't think I got an answer the last time I asked myself, and I'm probably not going to answer this time. I think I'll meditate on that now. Maybe you should too.

[hardwarevent]

Despite Everything, It's Still Me, give or take some new stuff...

Hey. So I guess I haven't really posted in like 2 months. A lot of that comes down to the fact that I don't ever post unless I have something to talk about or am depressed. I suppose this time is one of these times, though this time it's the former. So, let's talk.

So there was a paradigm shift this summer. My actions have led me down a path I wasn't really expecting and now my primary friend group has shifted dramatically. I don't really talk to M and V as much as I used to. They just live so far away and are doing their own things, and now I interact more with other people. I guess at the birthday shindig I held, I talked with some people I invited, and I really started to mesh with a few. I guess I'm keeping up with the practice of having 1-letter names, so I'll call this one girl P. Initially we had a connection because we both were single and looking at dating sites and we talked about the blind dates and matches we had, and I do think she's cute, so to a wayward bystander this would be a sign like "hey, maybe ask her out". I sort of did at one point, but was politely turned down. And honestly it's okay, because I think we work far better as good friends and objective parties to each other's dating antics. We wingman for each other, work out each other's feelings for whatever person we're dating, do workout activities like Pilates together, and it's actually a strong fulfilling friendship. It's the type of friendship that works more at improving each other than most relationships do, and it's kind of a friendship I feel like both of us really wanted at the time, especially. Like real talk honesty stuff, like "you're complaining about this guy being total black box mysterious but it's obviously also why you're drawn to him" and "part of the reason your matches suck is that your profile is boring and not specific enough". It's funny though, because M and V were at the birthday party that I hosted that P was at too, and some time later they gave me hints that they weren't into her as a potential romantic partner for me, which is understandable. They told me this like 15 minutes after I was puking in a bathroom stall after drinking too much (somehow I have learned less and less about my alcohol limits this summer, I guess harder drinking is something that I do now). I trust their judgement. Actually, I think P is "cool" in an objective sense of like what you would think a cool person would be like. Nice outfits, tattoos, solid professional career, things like that. But sometimes I get subtle vibes of insecurity and loneliness... then again, who doesn't have those. But yeah, we saw a movie together today and talked about what's going on in our relationships, and which of our complaints about significant others are valid, which is an activity we are both good at and would honestly highly recommend.

Also, hey guess what, speaking of significant others, I have a girlfriend now. Yeah I know, all those posts about being depressed and bitching about things like being chronically hopelessly single, and like 2 months later I'm in a relationship. When you put it that way I'm not sure how well it's going to go unless I work out my own shit, but hey. But yea, it just sort of happened. She went to this board game thing I used to go to but was taken at the time, then she started showing up at gymnastics so we went out for drinks with the gymnastics crew a bunch, and I asked her out and she said yes, and a few weeks later we went on a bunch more dates and are official, I guess. I haven't updated Facebook about it, and I might not for a while, but we are a boyfriend/girlfriend couple thing. She spent the night at my place yesterday. There easily could have been actual sex but I sort of got struck by anxiety and nerves and well hey I got performance issues again, how about that, I thought I got rid of those. This looks like it is going to continue to be a thing because evidently in the 1.5 year dry spell I have forgotten how to have sex. Like, it's weird because when I'm hanging out with her I start to get hard at the weirdest times, like just friction or hugs, but when it comes to actual sex it's like "nope no not doing that". I think I just kinda forgot to be horny, and being horny was a thing I should have been feeling? Cuz it felt like I was going through the motions a lot. What does my body know that I don't? I'm afraid that I'm moving forward with something I'm just pretending really really hard to be into when in reality I'm just afraid of being alone. Typing this out makes me feel really really nervous because it might be true, but I have such a weak handle on my emotions that I never know what I'm actually feeling. All I know is I REALLY WANT for her to be "the last girl I'll ever date", because on paper she's perfect. I don't think I've met anyone like her before. She's super smart, she's cute, she brightens up my day whenever I see her, she thinks my terrible dad jokes are funny, she is excellent jobwise...she was really affectionate in bed and totally understanding about the whole performance anxiety thing too and like... I feel like I could make it work. I know I need to stop doubting myself... and she deserves better, too. She deserves someone who can actually fuck her and not freeze up. I'm just this broken guy who can't get over his stupid fucking anxiety and sex-based emotional trauma.

I don't know. This has basically just been one big ramble about how I have a girlfriend now but I'm mad at myself because I couldn't get my dick up for her, because I'm the most pathetic guy on the planet. What can you do... I'll get over it. I don't know... I hear about these guys who have fucked 100 girls, they're red-blooded and super sex driven and I'm.... not? I think maybe I've just seen too much porn or something. I think that's something I'm going to do. Just... give up porn? Or maybe talk to a therapist? You know, I say both of these things sometimes, but I never do them. I know I've been saying the therapist thing for years, and there's probably a record of it on my blog here. So hey, why not actually do it, me? For her. No, for you. Because you deserve better than the way you treat yourself. Be kind to yourself, but make healthy decisions. Exercise, eat right. Get the help that you need. Fix yourself, and be the best you you can be.

But I'm also doing this for her, because I actually am really fond of her and I dunno how long I can rely on oral/fingering stuff and her own sex toys before it's like "come on this is ridiculous"

Well hey, on that note, I guess there are worse problems to have. Cuz other than that, I think it's going super well. Life in general too. I did some sick stock plays recently, and my asset levels are about to hit a big milestone. I may have a dragon gold hoard of stocks to turn into trust funds for my kids by the time I die yet. Stay positive.

[hardwarevent]

Halfway through the year: So what happened?

I have this weird malaise thing recently. It seems like I’ve hit a wall with things. Nothing seems to want to move forward.

So I’m not even gonna look at that year goal list, because I remember what the issues were pretty much. Read, socialize, date people, exercise... I don’t know. I went on 2 dates with this one girl, one was like 8 hours, but I dunno... in a way, she seemed as aimless as me. But things didn’t... click? I didn’t feel clicks. I used to feel clicks, and now I don’t. We just... stopped talking.

The only feelings I feel anymore are anger and frustration when things don’t go my way. Oh, oh man, there was a Roblox version of Fortnite “tournament” on Friday, where we had 45 minutes to win a solo game of it. Just like by ourselves. In my tries I got 2nd place and 3rd place. A lot of people had the same result. One person managed to win though, and so he got a prize. I was tilted for like hours and hours. I feel things when I lose. I feel anxiety a lot, just general anxiety. 

I saw a tumblr post today that hit me hard, http://thebootydiaries.com/post/174544509347/noxyouraveragefangirl-me-really-wants-a

and it was like, yeah, like i don’t feel anything. About anyone. Is there something wrong with me?

As I was thinking about what to type, I was on OKC and just dropped the Pass button on some ugly chicks that liked my profile. Oh boy, I’m probably my own worst enemy. I do set myself up for failure, don’t I? I’m the master of self-sabotage. But even if I talked to these girls I don’t think I would want to stay with them long-term... I can’t even imagine a girl that I would stay with long-term. There IS something wrong with me. Am I too picky? There’s something wrong with me. I think too much. Always thinking too much.

Dating sites ask me to describe myself. How do you describe yourself when you don’t even know yourself anymore? I do gymnastics I work out, I’ve been way into options trading recently. I play Overwatch a lot. Oh, and I’m a vessel of immense wasted potential.

I miss high school where there was a whole world ahead, where there were only a few scratches from the hints of our upcoming realities, and not the shattered hearts and scarred psyches of a thousand wake-up calls. I could connect and talk with people without thinking about it, it was natural. I could see girls and feel this huge rush of hormones, I would feel this kinship with friends that felt so intense, like we were brothers. I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t know anyone. Everyone is a stranger. People I’ve known forever just feel like conversation black boxes. Words go in, words go out. I feel nothing. I can’t connect. I used to have goals, too. In high school it’s easy. In college it’s easy. They tell me what to do, what to want, and that’s what I would do. Now I’m out on my own, and I feel like I don’t have a purpose... I want to quit my job and wander around. Who cares if I run out of money. Maybe I would feel more alive.

What made me like this? Can I reverse it? Is it society? Is it mental illness? Or is this something everyone goes through?

Going back to the options trading thing, I’ve been burning through these tutorials on this site called optionalpha. I burn through them at 2x speed because normal speed just wastes my precious brooding and ceiling-staring time. I see how this stuff works, and I understand it, but I don’t care about it beyond “it can make me a lot of money”. Money won’t make me better. I could have 100 million dollars and it still wouldn’t make me happy, I can feel it. I might have depression... I’ll see if I can set up a therapist. Just... I’m almost 27, and I feel like I haven’t DONE anything. I have a few degrees, a nice job in a cool spot, and I’m incredibly lonely and purposeless. I feel like I’m all out of purpose, and all the while my anxiety is like “why aren’t you working towards it, you’re running out of time! You’re about to fail!” and I’m like “towards what?” and my anxiety is like “come on go! now!” and then the rest of me feels blank.

I’m tired. I just don’t know anymore. I want to change, but anything more than minimal effort feels like it’s not worth it. I feel like I’m in a deadlock. Think, me. Do something. Anything.

I can’t. I’m all locked up, I’m a lost cause.

Come on. If you’re dead inside, you might as well try. You might as well try anything that can bring yourself back. Anything that can give yourself purpose. You have infinite effort, boundless strength, everyone says you’re so smart. You can figure this out, you can fight your way through. Please. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love anyone else?

I’ll try. I won’t second-guess if something is the right thing to do and deadlock myself that way. Indecision is my biggest weakness. Instead of wondering if someone is worth my time, if something is worth keeping forever from the moment I meet them, I should spend my time in the present. Let myself free from the unattainable plans in my head. I need to let myself free from myself.

I think at the doctors appointment I went to a week ago, we talked about being able to set up appointments online with people. Maybe I should go see a therapist.

[hardwarevent]

Maybe not fuck dating sites?

Oh hey, so guess who has actually been getting dates, because guess who has been doing it wrong kinda? So there is a metagame to dating sites, and I'm slowwwwly becoming more aware of how it goes. For pretty much all of them it goes "Like", then they "Like" back, then you message, then they message back. It's all about the action and response.

I actually went on a few dates with a girl! I got to do the side-arm wrap while we watched Friends on my couch! We went drinking for St.Patricks day with her cool friends! And then I didn't talk to her again because I didn't feel like it and she had 0 affinity for video games or anything remotely geeky, and since that's most of my persona we didn't really have anything in common. But I got there! Kinda! And that's what matters!

So I still need some experience with the actual driving of stuff because she made like literally all the moves cuz I guess I was her type (I'm a type? What type?? I'm someone's type???) So it was like no effort moving stuff forward. But I'm talking to more girls! One of them reminds me of a girl in high school that I'm still friends with but if she actually did stuff? And made decent money? And pushed herself out of her shell? Which is promising. We're sending these fucking enormous messages back and forth and I'm trying to slow that down so I can be like "hey you wanna meet up" but that's going well. Maybe I can push her into getting a sense of wit or humor though, shes dry as a desert. Shes got the desire to change and improve though, which is important. We will see.

Also there's this other girl who was cute and liked my profile and she was like "what's the deal with waluigi?" In her profile and of course I fucking had a bunch of shit lined up for that one. Where that one is currently is I was like "hey wanna try out *gamer lounge* this weekend?" And she was like "sorry I can't my car is broke and it needs this esoteric part and I can't do stuff until next weekend" which, it's hard to tell if that's legit what's going on and I could be like "oh I have a car I could pick you up and do stuff", or it's a "I got stuff going on this weekend" thing, or a " I blew it and I'm going to keep saying next weekend until you get the hint" thing. I'm actually leaning towards the first one, but I'm still wary towards being too eager? And finding ways around all of her issues. So I think the right move is to be like "yeah ok next weekend for sure", so I'll do that.

So yeah, that's the dating life update. Real life update? Uh so I was sick for a while. Still got runny nose and phlegm I'm coughing up constantly. Dunno if that's ever going away. I went to a spin class yesterday. The lady was like "you gotta challenge yourself!" And I was like "raaaaa challenge myself!" and I challenged myself so hard I puked. But in the restroom after leaving during the cooldown so it was ok. Uhhh hackweek was this week at work, a week where we work on whatever but I worked on something shitty and I didn't present cuz it was too shitty especially compared to the stuff like 40 other people did. So that was whatever. I just couldn't get into the spirit. Uhh what else. GDC was last week. Did some stuff for that. My parents visited so it was cool to see them. My stocks fucking sucked these past few weeks so I'm like only a few percent up from where I was when I started like 10 months ago. I might be more aggressive and do stock options like calls and puts and straddles and iron condors and accidentally lose all my life savings probably, but I haven't decided yet. I have some money I use that is currently in $NVDA and have been selling covered calls for with that stock as collateral, so maybe if I fuck it up intentionally and have to sell the stock I'll use that money to do real spicy chalupa hours shit.

Also, I feel sick of sitting at my computer all the time? Like I'm writing all this outside sitting on a park bench in this roundabout thats outside my place. Every time I go inside and think about sitting at my computer... I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to play video games or watch shows or stupid YouTube videos anymore. I can barely stand it. I sit at my desk all day, and I just don't want to sit at a computer anymore. Even though it's my job 40 hours a week and it's a job I'm apparently good at even though my shitty hackweek says otherwise. Every day I fantasize about doing crazy shit with my stock money and making like 10 million dollars and using that to buy my freedom. By that I mean the freedom to be owned by no company or economic system. To have enough money to generate enough money ambiently through stocks and dividends and investments to live off of comfortably without me having to do anything. I've done the math, I want around 5-7 million. And then I think about what I would do. And I wouldn't know. I'm a dog chasing his tail man, a coyote chasing a roadrunner. I'll probably never get there, and if I did, I don't know what I'd do. I guess the first step is to get there. I guess the first step is to get a little risky with these stocks. My dumbass harebrained scheme. I'll keep yall posted.