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me?????? an explosive temper???????? yeah leave me alone 

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“has anybody ever really loved me?” and more self destructive thoughts: an autobiography by me

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OF JAKKU, REY

        𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐑𝐄𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐃  found herself was clearly more dangerous than whatever reason brought to its location in the first place.  what seemed like a chunk of her life now felt distant,  filled with the memories and motivation of a stranger  —  had she really forgotten her own identity somehow  ??  it’s the alderaan prince whose voice interrupts her thoughts,  and it takes all her inner strength not to grimace as a result.  she wonders if he got stuck on the planet as well,  or if it was the force connecting them.  “  of course i do.  “  she straightens her composure,  adjusting her bun in place.  “  what planet is this  ??  “

IF   HE   LOOKED   CLOSE   ENOUGH         would   he   still   see   grains   of   sand   in   her   hair,         even   here?      how   much   could   either   of   them   be   expected   to   remember?      he   kept   his   gaze   from   lingering   too   long   on   her   features,      chose   instead   to   survey   the   surrounding   area   as   if   he’d   forgotten   the   unfamiliarity   of   it,      “      earth.      “      a   succinct   but   unrevealing   answer,      “       isn’t   the   more   pressing   question   why   rather   than   where?      “

THERE   WAS   A   DISTURBANCE   IN         the   force,      something   that   ran   deeper   than   what   could   be   blamed   on   rey   and   the   cosmic   furnace   that   was   her   very   being.         “         i   know   you   can   sense   it   too,      “         he   offered   nothing,         scarred   countenance   as   guarded   as   it   was   when   he   wore   the   mask,      to   help   her   decipher   what   he   meant,      nothing   to   hint   that   his   suspicions   rested   on   the   tie   that   kept   them   orbiting   each   other.      he   posed   a   question   not   even   he   had   the   answers   to,         “         how   did   you...    rediscover   who   you   were?      “

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@feelsomethings​

          THE  FORCE  COULD  BE  CRUEL,    he  knew  that  more  than  anyone,    had  known  it  from  the  moment  pain  had  radiated  outward  from  his  peers  as  he  tore  through  them,    had  grappled  with  it  when  he  could  feel  their  absence  like  another  hole  in  the  growing  chasm  within  him.    it  was  cruel  when  it  carried  her  bright  warmth  across  the  abyss,    to  reach  him  in  the  finalizer,    and  it  was  especially  cruel  now,    to  allow  him  to  recognise  that  same  warmth  embodied  when  he  was  so  keenly  flayed  by  his  own  memories.

‘    you.    ‘    his  voice  does  not  waver,    though  his  mind  does,    ‘    do  you  recognise  me  ?  ‘

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me: *breaks down crying in the privacy of my own home*

my brain: you’re faking your emotions for attention. you’re just doing this because you think it makes for a cool personal narrative

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the resistance is dead. the war is over. and when i kill you, i will have killed the last jedi.

VIII             TRUE BIOGRAPHY

born to leia organa and han solo, ben has always been strong with the force. he was levitating toys and causing long distance disaster long before he spoke his first words (which was bantha, by the way), and that might’ve been why it was so easy for snoke to crawl so close to him.

for as long as he can remember he has had the unforgiving, twisted rhetoric of the dark side whispered like gospel into his ears by the unseen supreme leader. it begun before he was even born, a seed planted in his body as it formed. he overheard conversations between his parents one night, where han had proposed that they should’ve waited, unable to deal with the force sensitive child, and that was where he found his fear of being a burden, unwanted, the easiest streak of humanity that snoke could leech off of.

from there, when he was left in the care of droids when han went off to search the stars and leia was acting diploma,snoke, with his lies mounted on truths and fears, became something of an imaginary friend that he kept vigilantly secret. there were times when leia’s gentle hands, her love, and his idolation of han allowed him to surface, to be clean of darkness, but each time he was coaxed back by his friend.

it was hard to identify an enemy when it is curled inside like a part of you.

by the time his parents had realized how unstable his control on the force was, he had already had his head held under the murk of the dark side, and sending him to yavin 4 to train with luke was the snapping point for his fear of abandonment.

though conflicting tutelage ate away at the solid trust ben had in snoke, and introduced him to one of his strengths; meditation, it was not enough to stave off the infection. luke did his best, and there were moments when ben could reach out and lean on his teachings, but fear kept him away. when the other jedi pupils isolated him, a shy and sensitive child who had cried when his parents left the planet, he simply drew inward. the resentment, bitterness, and strength that had built within him exploded in the form of massacre, when he was 16.

snoke had been prepared for it, sent praetorians in advance when he pushed to know if luke was growing suspicious of the shadow ben was causing in the force. when he sensed even the slightest of shift in the boy, reaching toward the light from luke’s care, snoke weaponized him with all the wrath and suffering he could. though it turned out the soldiers were unneeded, 16 years of being conditioned into distrust, fury and sorrow at the people around him meant the first instance in which he took life was a merciless assault.

when all was said and done, ben’s horror at his own actions, later to be snuffed out, made him sick, forced the praetorians to carry him back with them, singed by the flames and dirtied by the rubble and blood of jedi.

from then on, he was a pupil of the dark side, and snoke had been holding out on him in his distance. now within reach, kylo ren was born from broken bones, burns, tears and blood. mistakes came with dire consequences was the first of many lessons taught with pain alone.

the backbone of it all was the preening, gnarled aftercare. with injury came pity, came distrust, came impersonality. all things that created caverns between ben and snoke, deprived the affection-starved boy of the one thing he chased; approval. approval from his parents, from the force, from snoke, from darth vader. with power came the ability to choke approval from any source.

he devoted himself to stamping out the weaknesses in himself, a baptism by fire turned lifestyle. kylo ren had become a rabid soldier for the first order. quietly well versed in mental manipulation, conditioned by a lifetime of experience, his expertise involved forcibly tearing information out of anyone he was directed to.

the light danced like shooting stars in the peripheral vision of his mind, ever out of reach, easily ignored, but his guilt could not be so easily forgotten. it tore at him, and the more it bit and chewed and mangled him, the more he grew to hate it, to writhe against it, to push himself harder. an endless cycle. he clung to the idea that vader had suffered the same and he, with the same blood coursing though him, must do the same.

it was necessary to bury the conflict, snoke could feel it, smell the uncertainty like a forest fire.

VII           TRAITS

combat form: djem so, form v. element: fire zodiac: ox positive: sensitive, responsive, resilient negative: conflicted, manipulating, brutal

VI           CONNECTIONS

positive: birds of a feather; similarly flawed individuals who can empathise with each other. sparring buddies; both can take a hit fake memories; perhaps they were lovers, friends or siblings in the memories given to them for the live they had in this town good influence; ben is an unstable mess, easily influenced to the light and the dark.

negative: complete opposites; water, meet fire. rivals; fierce competitive nature has been scarred into him, fueled by his need to gain approval versus someone who is equally good or better than him fake memories; ben threw a mug at your muse in their past memories and its time to take out your anger

V          OOC

hi i’m kai, i’m 19 and in the hkst (gmt+8) zone. i literally hate the sequels enough that i am qualified to write a smear campaign against it. anyway, if you want to plot my discord is rainforest city#9748, i am kinda shy. my dms are also open here! if nothing i listed is interesting or suitable for your muse i’m sure we can get up to some mischeif in the dms and figure it out.