harper-sage

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Oh my…it’s already been 6 months since I had FFS. I think it’s time for “that” post. The before and after results. This is a long one…

In late October 2024 I had Facial Feminization Surgery. I’ve tried to be transparent (ha) here that I’ve had this surgery. Unfortunately, the reality is that many of us may need to get procedures like this to feel comfortable with our bodies. Is it necessary for everyone? No, you can transition to whatever makes YOU comfortable and at peace with your body. For me, FFS is what I needed to help me achieve that. I worked really really hard to get this surgery and I want to share my experience.

So as a background, I began medically transitioning at 31, and inherited my family’s very masculine facial structures. AMAB or AFAB, most in my blood family have strong masculine features and hormonal imbalances. Longterm T exposure didn’t help me at all either. Looking back at old pictures before my FFS is really hard now. It’s hard to believe that is ME.

I feel it is important to share the magic that FFS can accomplish. E is amazing but it can’t change bones all that much. I believe it is really important to compare our changes with everything over time in our journeys. Many of these photos before FFS were during my first year medically transitioning. No matter what hairstyles or makeup techniques I tried, nothing could hide the insecurities that FFS would eventually take away. For a while I tried to convince myself I didn’t need surgeries…but I knew I’d never be happy without it. I jumped at the opportunity to get it when I found out my insurance covered it.

Then came October. It was a brutal recovery. I have a very low tolerance to pain. However, I never felt any of this was impossible and I was very much supported by my doctors. The recovery was challenging for other reasons too. It limited my ability to eat for a bit and I was really uncomfortable for a couple weeks. I had a constant feeling of disorientation during the first week as my vision is pretty bad and without being able to put my contacts in I was practically blind. The nausea also was debilitating at times. This isn’t what happens to everyone but this is what experienced.

My jaw was also severely limited. It was mostly because of the inside the mouth incision to contour the chin and jaw. I could barely open my mouth. By the end of November I could eat sushi by squishing it with a spoon. By late December I could eat small sandwiches and most of my mobility returned. The swelling also took a while to go down. I’d say by February, four months later, I felt that most of the swelling had disappeared or was on its way out. Today, some swelling remains in my chin and my nose.

The liberation and freedom of expression FFS gave to a face like mine has been truly life saving. My style has changed rather dramatically. My brows are now lifted and I no longer make them higher, in fact I just keep them clean, thin them a little, and highlight in tinted gel and maybe add a little red to them. I also can finally do eye shadow, which is was one of my most anticipated aspects of this surgery. I also just feel liberated from my parents. I had a really rough upbringing and no longer being defined by my father’s forehead or my mother’s chin brings me so much peace.

Not pictured is my presence. I’ve heard countless people tell me that I’m happier, more comfortable, and more outgoing than I was before my surgery. I used to calculate my every move so people wouldn’t see my brow bone or an unflattering masculine angle. I don’t worry at all about that anymore. I truly am free. I am just me regardless of the angle. People see this in public too. I’m consistently given the male gaze or they try to make conversation with me. I catch women looking at my hair and outfits all the time. I pass very well.

So now I sit here at six months. And I’m absolutely thrilled with my results. If you are on the fence, and it’s accessible to you, I highly recommend to get FFS if it will help you achieve greater peace and comfort with your mind and body. I went to a surgeon in NYC, and would be happy to share the details if you’d like. I also would be able to answer questions about the whole process of getting and recovering from FFS. I hope this has been helpful to you!

This is my 6 month result:

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Selfie dump!! Last few weeks of unposted random selfies.

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This week we got some warm weather! I’m all ready for cute dress season. 💁🏻‍♀️

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Happy Transgender Day of Visibility!

As much as people want to deny it, we’ve always been here and we will persist.

Please check in on any trans people you may know today, listen and spend time with them, be the family/friend they need. Please advocate, contact your representatives, and help stand up for our rights. Let’s not be silent now. We must persist in being who we were always meant to be. 🩵🩷🤍

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Another photoshoot! Dreary still, but spring has sprung! I’m going to be going to some goth and alt events this year so I’m experimenting with darker looks. This is a dress I’ve had laying around since last October and this is only the second time I’ve worn it! It’s hard to get into but I absolutely love it. 💛

I don’t do styles like this much but I’m hoping to get better at goth/alt stuff. Really want to dig into some dream looks I had back in middle school. 😊

My girlfriend says I’m becoming the “big titty goth girlfriend.” 🤭

Photos: @harper-sage 💞

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There was different strip that I was initially going to do for this week, but the event seen in the comic literally happened at my speech pathology session this week and it’s nice to jump on the opportunity to have a silly strip about my transition experience from time to time.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression that I come across as very reserved and pensive in these new comics I’m doing.  I don’t want to say that I’m like, a fly off the handle and be constantly wacky and unable to carefully consider things, but when I’m in real time situations where there’s no requirement to maintain a professional atmosphere, I’ll say whatever thought bubbles up at any given moment.

So when my speech pathologist in training grad student asked me to talk about something I like to do with my wife as our final exercise of the day… my mind immediately wandered into the gutter and I was unable to stop laughing for a bit.

Like… straight up loud belly laughing.

Very feminine laughing, super feminine loud belly laughing combined with occasional wheezing.

You know, like a lady.

Meghan, if you’re reading this, I love you and you’re doing a wonderful job and I hope I’m not the worst client you’ve ever had.

--- Edited to add ---

Oh, and also "real life Alex" gets a visual update to match how I'm currently looking as I go through my HRT journey!

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I get “sir”-ed a lot, but it’d be kind of weird if I didn’t right now. 

My hair is still pretty short and has been affected by male pattern baldness a little.  Despite my laser hair removal treatments on my face and neck, I have ton of white hairs which laser doesn’t remove, so I’m often sporting a snowy goatee.

I look like a dude.

A dude with a bit of a chest, but a dude nonetheless. 

I’m not going to pretend that getting called “sir” doesn’t bug me now that I’m almost a year into hormone replacement therapy.  It does, and every time it happens it serves as a reminder that I don’t pass.

…but I am feeling better and more confident every day, so after letting my feelings have their needed attention, I go back to my silly self.

I deserve to be able to keep my head up.

We all do.

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Thirsty Thursday??

Just having a little fun… 🤭

✨ Embracing the beauty of your own body is liberation. ✨

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✨TRANSformation Tuesday✨

From constant sadness to spinning in happiness!

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"Hey, what's your 'friends' favorite color?!" Lol

Fun story time!

My childhood friend, my girlfriend, and I went to a restaurant. When I walked in I noticed this employee checking me out, but didn’t think much of it. We were having a really good time full of laughs. We all got drinks as well. Eventually, I went to the bathroom. While I was there, that server, who was an older guy, came over and asked them “what is your friend’s favorite flower?” I came back and he came over again a few minutes later with a flower for me. Confused, I said thank you, and just sat there overwhelmed and laughing holding the flower.

A few minutes later he came back with a free mixed drink for me. “I got your first order from the bartender, this one is on the house.” He placed the drink and walked away.

At this point I’m flustered and all three of us are laughing. I was so red. Again, he comes over a few minutes later and says “I just needed to give the flower and drink to you because you are dropdead gorgeous.”

At that point my friend asked him “what does dropdead gorgeous mean?” In response he kinda stumbled around and got visibly flustered. My girlfriend then said “well she’s gorgeous and I’m happy she’s MY girlfriend!!” He was like “I’m sorry!” And then didn’t bother us for the rest of the night. The other servers were laughing. It was so crazy and funny. 😂 I went home with the flower, drunk, and laughing nonstop.

I get a lot of guys giving me “that” stare and objectifying me. I have long legs, a big ass, and the girls are growing. Usually it’s ewphoria. Sometimes it’s really invasive. Guys really need to stop making women uncomfortable. This is the first time I got free stuff. I’m not gonna lie I took it. Many might be upset that I did. However while it felt weird it also felt extremely…surreal? Like maybe I deserved this drink? It’s been a rough week.

Picture this: I’m in a restaurant I’ve been to countless times over the years, with people ranging from family to friends to significant others. I’m at the restaurant with a friend who has known me since childhood, and my girlfriend. The fact this moment, happened there, is crazy to me.

I am a ✨woman✨!! 🥰

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At the risk of sounding biased, our wedding was the best wedding I’ve ever been to and it wasn’t even close.

Hear me out:

My wife and I aren’t big party people, our wedding was roughly thirty people.

The venue was small a little boutique hotel kind of place, and it was pretty and cute, more like a big house than a hotel and there were neat old paintings all over the halls.  I kept saying to my wife how much it felt like a Resident Evil locale (this is a plus for me).

We wrapped up by about 8pm and could just rest after.

Our cake was the best god damned cake I’ve ever had.

And most important, my wife is my best friend and is the kindest, most caring, amazing person in the world and I’m constantly in a state of stunned bliss that she chose me to be her partner in life.

So with that in mind, there’s nothing that could have made the day better, and I was super happy to be playing the groom role.  Even if I was a cis woman, I probably would have opted for a tuxedo anyway, that’s more my style.

It was nice, however, to have an approximation of a “walk down the aisle” experience at my sister’s wedding.  I’m happy to say that was the second best wedding I’ve been to.  For one thing, it featured possibly the best wedding speech I’ve ever heard.

The maid of honor had a speech with tons of setups that all had payoffs, it was like a comedy thriller with sweet, adorable elements.  So… clap it up for Elizabeth cause she knocked it out of the park.

But more than anything I was just really happy for my twin sister and her husband, seeing them smile so big and receive so much love from everyone in their life and each other will always be one of the great treasured memories of my life.

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Selfie dump of some of my looks over the last couple weeks. Just embracing how beautiful I'm feeling lately. 🥰

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Shameless promo time!

I’m on Bluesky! If you are a mutual, dm me your username so we can trade follows! I’m more active on there and I post pics there quicker than here. Let’s get yapping!

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This weekend I got to explore one of my favorite places, Ikea! Where are the blahajs?? 🦈

Well, I would have gotten one but I already have three...and the towel. 🤭 Also remember, it is definitely* pronounced BLAH-HAJ. Not blow-hi! 🙂‍↕️

They have the cutest little cafe mockup! I love the lighting in some of these rooms. It is a great place to just sit and decompress.

I’ve always loved exploring Ikea. It has been a happy place for me since before my transition. Although this time it was bombarded with kids that were let loose to destroy the place, usually it’s a really calm and chill place with mostly couples looking to fill their apartments. I always leave with a few treats and a good story. I love their gingerbread cookies and those cola flavored candies that look like a pe-...you know.

I wanted to post this to just kind of show myself in a regular public environment that may seem familiar to you. I’ve realized most of my posts are selfies or photoshoots in secluded places. However, I am very much out and about as myself in public, and I have been full-time for over a year now. In some stages of our transitions it’s just terrifying being in public. To me, it is second nature and I’m around hundreds of people every day. Trust me, I know how it feels to be early in this journey all too well. It took me forever to wear women’s jeans and then leggings in public. This year is the first time I'm feeling comfortable in short skirts and bare legs. I can’t tell you how many times I ran into Dunkin with a hood on, wore face masks to hide, or put on a baggy sweatshirt to cover my body in fear someone would see me as one of the “transes.”

Please be kind to yourself and take your time with public outings. Manifest bravery from a healthy place, and be you in the way you are most comfortable. Remember that this is not a race. The only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. So just be the girl/guy/person you want to be! 😊

Photos: @harper-sage (check her page out, she's really cool!)

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Eyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

I continued to be flabbergasted and flattered that all this is happening. Your support means so much to me and I love being on this journey with all of you.

Also, there's like a zero percent chance that I'd be able to be in this pose, my old lady back is not built for this.

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You're absolutely stunning!!

Such an amazing model to shoot photos of!!

<3

A little photoshoot to end the weekend! It got a little goofy in the end. 🤭

The weather was warmer today so I had a great opportunity to go out a little more dressed up. ☀️ I love this outfit! And I just love being a woman. Never forget to celebrate who you are or your accomplishments. Even if little, going out of your way to treat yourself is self-care and healing. 🫶🏻

Photos: @harper-sage

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OMG!!!!!! This is so cute!!!!

Hey! @maddiee-line is a cool gal that makes really inspiring, uplifting posts and you should check her out if you haven't already!

Also if I'm remembering correctly, her favorite Pokemon is Quilava!

I mean, it's no Chespin, but we can't all be perfect.

CHESPIN FOR LIFE, ALL MY HOMIES LOVE CHESPIN