harping - Tumblr blog

[harping]

i don't give a fuck if your dick is silicone, i said i want you to cum in me 😠😠

[harping]

not to be high and horny AGAIN but i can’t stop thinking about begging a girl to cum inside me while my legs are wrapped around her waist and she’s pounding into my tight cunt as hard as she possibly can

[harping]

having fingers in ur mouth is such an underrated thing. it’s so cute to just have ur mouth full or pried open, all drooly and obedient, struggling to make noise as u turn into a drippy mess :))))

[harping]

the feminine urge to collect daggers.

[harping]

Path of Ideology

Rimworld: Ideology came out this morning! I’ve spent some time exploring what it has to offer, but I haven’t actually started playing it yet. Starting a new rimworld save is a bit of an undertaking for me, and I’d may as well give it a few days for mods to get updated and stable.

The concept for this expansion is pure genius. It is already extremely common for players of Rimworld to apply some kind of theme to their colonies entirely in their minds. I’m talking about ideas like techno-worshipping vault dwellers, cannibal cults, and narcotics-fueled raiding clans. This expansion is all about canonizing these ideas into actual game mechanics.

I think the devs must really be in touch with their playerbase. If I’d been asked what room for improvement there really was in Rimworld, I would definitely have suggested expanding mechanics for roleplaying. I’ve even thought about developing similar mechanics to these in my own colony sim project, long before Ideology was announced. This is the stuff that makes someone care about the game and choose to immerse themself in it. Despite that, there are very few mods that do so.

I think that this expansion really lowers the amount of ‘buy-in’ needed to really enjoy the game. Your mind doesn’t need to work quite as hard to create a fantasy, since the game now does that much more to get those cogs turning. As a long-term player who was running out of inspiration, nothing else could have meant more to my enjoyment of the game now. I had seriously run this game dry of enjoyment at this point, but now I can’t wait to play it again and again as transhuminist vaulters, weed smoking nature worshipers, and pain-obsessed blind cultists.

I find this particularly fascinating right now for how it stands in contrast to Path of Exile’s upcoming expansion. The patch notes also happened to release today, but there is absolutely nothing that would make somebody excited to play it. Like... there’s nothing. It’s nerfs all the way down. The expansion seems largely dedicated to raising barriers between the player and fun. No other game that exists right now has anywhere near the kinds of barriers to entry that Path of Exile has already.

I must clarify just how egregious this patch is. Every build in the game has had its damage output slashed by ~30-40%. Literally - all of them. Monsters in act 1 have had their HP raised by similar amounts, making it further impossible for new players to make progress. I already find act 1 quite slow and die in it frequently in new leagues as a player with thousands of hours. 

I find the direction this game has gone - the direction that it has been going for well over a year - completely unfathomable. I used to tell people it was only superficially daunting for the most part, and worth getting into despite the challenges it puts you through as a new player starting out. I cannot possibly recommend this game anymore. I can’t even imagine a single reason why I would want to play it now.

Insignificant.

[harping]

Myers-Briggs

Lesbians like astrology. I don’t know why, but we do. Apparently, that means we also really like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Because they’re the same thing, or so I’ve heard. I’ve always existed amongst people who would fancy themselves more “thinking” than “feeling”, and therefor I have always felt socially compelled to scoff at the MBTI. 

If you’re unfamiliar, here’s the r/MBTI sidebar:

The MBTI, short for Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, defines 16 types to which each of us belong, according to our preferred cognitive functions.

The MBTI sorts for type and each type has a specific function order. Additionally, every type uses all four types of functions, Intuition, Sensing, Thinking, and Feeling. Your type however determines the order and attitude of these functions.

It is commonly said that is no better than astrology - which is to say that it is totally worthless. Here are some of the criticisms I’ve heard:

it describes mere stereotypes with little relevance to individuals

people relate to descriptions of their personality type because of the Barnum Effect 

although people’s personality type is meant to be static, a person can take the test multiple times with little time gap and get different results

there is little to no evidence that validates it as a psychological theory

These are all completely fair and true criticisms. That doesn’t mean it’s worthless, and it certainly doesn’t mean we should feel ashamed of entertaining it.

It is true that the MBTI isn’t science. It isn’t based on evidence. But there is a difference between something being true and it being useful. There is something grotesque about the notion that something which does not strictly adhere to Facts and Logic must be discarded and abhored. I have some arguments in defense of the system I’d like to put forward:

It provides a widely-recognised shorthand way to describe oneself to a stranger. In four letters, you can commicate quite a bit about how you see yourself as a person. The other person will only have a fairly imprecise picture, of course, but nevertheless potentially a useful basis for getting to know you further.

It’s actually kinda fun. Like those buzz feed quizzes that tell you which smurf you are, it’s an enjoyable way to waste a bit of time, get your mind thinking about itself, maybe feel a bit better or more secure about yourself. 

It could be an excellent conversation starter (”could” because I’ve never dared to bring it up lmao). Imagine: you’re with someone you don’t know that well - you’re comfortable around them, but don’t know much about them. You bring the test up on your phone and suggest they take it. They get assigned one of the 16 personalities, and you start reading the description together. You start asking about different parts of the description and whether they think it fits. You get to talking about what you have in common. You’re each getting to talk about yourself (people like to do that). You’re learning more about each other. Maybe you feel like you’ve gotten a certain window into their life that you would never have gotten otherwise.

It is an avenue to understand oneself more deeply - not because its descriptions are always accurate, but by providing the opportunity to ask oneself whether or not they are.

More on that last bit - here’s a segment from my personality (INFP) on 16personalities.com:

Although Mediators are warm and accepting, they don’t always find it easy to make friends. This may be because superficial, casual relationships can leave these personalities feeling a bit empty. Mediators are looking for lasting, authentic friendships with people who share their desire to think and feel deeply, to do the right thing, and to give more to the world than they take from it.

Sure, this might describe most people. I bet nearly everybody relates to this to some extent. That doesn’t change the fact that I like being described this way, I like thinking of myself as that type of person. Whether or not it’s a unique trait, it's something I knew about myself that I hadn’t really found the words for. That is enough to prove that the MBTI is not, as they say, completely useless. You just have to take it for what it is.

[harping]

Triggers 2

I tried reading the yuri manga Citrus. I heard it was very sweet; a common favourite. The story commences with the main character being harrassed about her nonadherance to the school dress code.

I put it down immediately. Somehow I could tolerate the brutal forced prostitution of Sadistic Beauty, but school uniforms are a bridge too far.

[harping]

Joy 2

For a little while now, I’ve been incapable of enjoying games in the same way I used to - most of the time I can’t even bring myself to play them, and when I do I don’t feel anywhere near the same kind of joy I’d normally expect. I hope that joy will return once I change my HRT dosage tomorrow. I badly want to immerse myself in the upcoming Rimworld and Path of Exile expansions when they come out. I want feel that joy in all its depth, not this current, muted variety of fun I have been abiding.

I am quite afraid of this sensation. I tell myself it is a symptom of depression induced by incorrect hormone levels, but I don’t really know that. It is not an unfamiliar feeling. In fact, I have always experienced a cycle of waxing obsession with a single title and waning apathy for any game. It is infuriating to desire to enjoy a game but find oneself incapable. I hope I will get to feel that familiar, obsessive joy for a game again soon, but I have absolutely no guarantee it will happen any time soon. For all I know, this is just what my brain is like now, and I’ll have to get used to it.

Even then, I guess it’s not a total loss. I am finding joy in other places more than ever before. And although the sources I’ve talked about so far are obviously insufficient, I have just recently found something to fill the void:

Reading.

Now that has been quite an adventure. I can’t wait to tell you all about it

[harping]

Triggers 1

How severe does something need to be for it to be worthy of being called a trigger? It seems like a term that should be given respect and not treated casually. Some of my own experiences are nowhere near the kinds of things described when you google about it, and most other words I could think of to describe them feel relatively misleading. To call these stimulus “a bit triggering” seems to get the right idea across, but I’m not sure whether it would be very sensitive of me to apply such language in this way.

[harping]

Joy 1

Despite how harsh my mood swings have been, I feel happy!

I have more drive to go outside and to talk to people now than I’ve ever had before. For a time, I was going out only to build healthy habits and eventually adopt a body shape I’d approve of. That isn’t really what gets me out there anymore, though. Light exercise doesn’t do that much for your weight, after all, although there are other health benefits. It’s difficult to articulate what my motivation is, and yet feel compelled to get moving as early as possible nearly every day. Certainly, this is not a compulsion I ever felt before transitioning. I feel real when I am out in the world. I feel like I am doing something. I do this for my mind, not for my body. The effect is much stronger when I have cause to go beyond walking distance of my house, but such opportunities are rare. I wouldn’t say walking makes me feel happy; in fact, i consistently return feeling exhausted, and dissapointed that I could not go further. It is a subtle pleasure. Maybe more of a means of staving off depression than a source of joy unto itself. 

Socially, I am no longer the same person I was before. Conversation is easier. I used to feel confused speaking to anyone I wasn’t extremely familiar with. I know how to express myself now, and how to respond to others. I am actively seeking out old acquaintences for want of conversational partners - I could only dream of such a thing before. I want to tell everything to everyone. I long to understand others. I want to meet new people just to get to know them. I think, and so I am - but only if my thoughts can be shared and heard.

These activities are not enough, though. I became frustrated; the only things I felt any desire to do could not be done at home, on my own. One must be able to relax in quiet solitude. I tried to play some games, but... I just can’t right now. I’ll tell you all about it soon.

[harping]

State of the Transition

I finally got somewhere with my voice last night! I hadn’t thought about why I’d been putting it off until now, but I totally get it now that I think about it. It feels silly to put on a voice, and to talk to yourself when you’re alone. That’s to say nothing of the noises you make when you’re experminenting with your vocal tract. Plus, it is so much more dignified to seem like you aren’t putting any effort into your aesthetics, but it seems unavoidable when it comes to this.

I’m going to try speaking in this new voice full-time. It’s comfortable enough to do so, and although it certainly needs some work to make consistent, I already feel a lot happier when I speak with it. I sound like me. I sort of hesitate to have it scrutinized, even though it would certainly help to put a trained ear to it.

I’m growing breasts! Only ~2 months into HRT and I’ve already started noticing two substantial lumps when I press against my chest. They’re even visible already, if only barely. I already head a relatively feminine chest shape, but there is certainly an extra protrusion there now that is unmistakable. 

I was thinking about legally changing my name soon, but since I’ve changed my mind to Harper just a few days ago, I think I’d better sit on it for a while. It wouldn’t do commit to a name so soon after trying it on, even if I do like it a lot better than my last idea.

I must decide what to do about my facial hair soon. I can’t imagine how men deal with shaving all the time; I can’t stand it. Electrolysis followed by regular Laser has been suggested for me. I don’t know any particular reasons why I shouldn’t go with that, but as much as my personality has improved I do still fear any totally new experience. It is unfortate that I can never solve this problem once and for all, and even the permanent nature of electrolysis will require a supplementary form of treatment over time.

[harping]

Hello, world!

Lately, I've had so much to talk about so and many people I want to talk about it all to! I'm starting to feel kind of bad always putting people on the hook to read character-limit pushing rants about my mad emotional swingings and lesbian angst. It just seems a bit disrespectful to everybody's time, and more than a little bit presumptuous of me. And I can't keep track of who has heard which ravings!

From now on, I will be maintaining a single, complete train of thought here. I thought about keeping a journal, but I long to be seen! Knowing you are here to listen to my thoughts makes me feel real, and that means so much to me.

I would like everyone I invite here to treat it as if it were dedicated to them specifically! Reach out and share your thoughts, or just let me know you were here and that my voice has been heard! ♥