hart-break-record-blog

[hart-break-record-blog]

Not 100% sure how I feel about everything at the moment what what with what we agreed to I think I'm going to see if you ment what you said I'm going to try my best not to contact you and that way if you really wore serious about it you will come to me if not the I guess I get my answer.

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So we met up today had a good time started talking then agreed to giving friends with benefits a try except if we start seeing someone else we stop. Isn't that a relationship just with out all the lovey stuff? We had sex straight after the idea came out you made the first move by kissing me surly if you just want sex kissing me wouldn't be your first move I'm so confused part of me wanted this I don't know if this could be the best idea we've had cuz the sex was amazing and could it be the key to a future or it could all end horribly and I end up being more hurt. I don't want to stop but at the same time I don't want it to go wrong.

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Feeling fairly optimistic you messaged me today and we spent a couple of hours messaging back and forth hopefully we'll meet up tomorrow I don't want to get my Hope's up to much but I'm feeling positive at the moment

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You said we'll meet up soon I hope you message me soon not talking to you is killing me all I want to do is have fun again

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You have made me feel like shit for the last couple of days I have hardly eaten I cant concentrate I hope your happy wake the fuck up and sort yourself out

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Here we go again

So we've had a couple of small chats nothing major you said about meeting up soon and so on. The you block me again I don't know how much longer I can let you hurt me like this

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Feeling

After our small chat last night just a normal little chat nothing heavy I wake up this morning and this feeling in my chest like theres a ton of bricks pressing down on me I just want to see you and start again I know we can be better.

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Every morning Iay in bed and struggle to get up, the thought of another day with out you feels like glue holding me to the bed. I wander if you feel the same?

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The beginning

So its been about a week since it all ended a friend has suggested that writing things down might help. Sorry you have missed most of the drama so I'll fill you in. After 5 years it's all over everything I thought I could ever want gone just like that, we had our issues every body dose that's normal right? We met young just 2 stupid kids who fell in love at first sight, well I did anyway. At the beginning we couldn't stay apart texting laughing loving..... when you first kissed me my whole world froze for a moment, it was like a dream like it wasn't real it took me a second just to understand what had just happened and realise it was real. we would go to a friend's house just so we could spend the night together. The first night we stayed together we slept on the sofa with our clothes on I stayed awake in aww of your beauty, how had I become so lucky. You woke up in the night looked into my eyes and said you love me for the first time. We began to grow always by eachothers side (maybe a little tomuch) we got jobs and planned our future, dreams of our own space our own special space our home...... you start to stay with me in my childhood home we had a couple of ups and downs who doesn't? You moved back to your childhood home and most of the time I would join you staying up late just so you didn't have to walk home alone in the dark.

The dark that feeling I get when I know your not 100% when I can sence without being near you that something is not right, that night was one of the darkest, I let myself into you childhood home into your bedroom there you wore broken as you would put it. Laying in a ball fully clothed on your bed, the general clutter over shadowed by the used tissues all over the floor stained red with blood, your bed sheets your your arm my hart. I approached you tell me to leave you find someone else someone better..... someone not broken. I sat there beside you through it all my hand on you shoulder the whole time until you turned around burst into tears and hugged me, I should have seen it then I should have done so many things but we wore young and stupid. Another year or so passed getting closer to our goal our own special place our home in that time we probably had a couple of ups and downs wouldn't most couples?

It happened not through our own doing but through luck or some call it fate, a house a home our dream or so we thought. We moved in finally we reached our dream..... or did we?

Year 1 we decorated celebrated laughed loved fought laughed again. One night it happened the thing all young couples dreaded a month or 2 later we wore in hospital you said you wore fine I was not I was scared for you to the point it made me sick I had to leave you there alone.... another mistake.

the really caught up fast the cost of life working full time to cover Bill's sacrificing fun to pay for a so called dream. You started a new job the money was good the hours wore not bad but it wasn't you that's when it began the beginning of the end.

Year 2 some laughing some loving more ups and downs? I gave you my hart that year to prove I'll always be yours at the time it felt right I know now it wasn't. There was no yes there was no no? What are you afraid of? What wore you afraid of? A couple of months later I could feel something coming I didn't know what but something. Then one night we broke the next day my stuff was packed, I felt like I had been thrown away, where did I go wrong what could should I have done, a couple of days passed trying not to call you every second to hear your voice it was tourcher a never ending pain and emptiness. A week or so later I return to our home...your home to collect the last of my things you wore out, a friendly voice that also spoke to you spoke to me I made you a cup of tea and waited for you to return and you did. I could see it that look in your eye you wore happy to see me but didn't want to show it. We sat we talked we cried we smiled laughed we hugged we .... kissed.

The next couple weeks wore a roller coaster good times bad times, I could see it then the medication was not right you wore even more broke than you let on the good was good but the bad my God the bad if only you could see what my eye you'd see in you, you wouldn't have to worry about the bad, one day the bad got worse out of the blue. One day we wore loving the next nothing. Day 1 nothing no chat no text good night nothing day2 the same I got worried I text you ignore I text again you say no more, I feel sad but happy your ok day 3 I text again talk to me I'm scared again go away day 4 nothing I really start to worry then we meet face to face, you say no more, no more laughing no more loving no more us....

I break I crumble I feel lost alone scared my world has just ended. The next day I get that same horrible feeling I had those years ago I text talk to me I'm worried nothing i text again just a sign your ok nothing again and again then....... no more messages... blocked everything gone I don't know what to do WHAT DO I DO. 3 days later you call me my hart stops I feel sick I awncer... collect some more of my stuff, i go over put on a brave face load up the car then we talked I find out about work your trip to the hospital...... the voices my feeling was right.

We talk more you say you want time we are broken you are broken. We talk some more in an hour we go out 1 drink nice chat a glimmer up hope fills my hart we return home your home time for me to go you need your space

A couple of days pass I hear nothing but cant stop thinking about you all the things I want to say to you but you need space. I keep busy I meet friends new and old I go out try to have fun......

Then

I wake up I realise everything now you are not broken we are, we focused so much on growing up our special place, we forgot the most important thing the one thing that holds everything together that makes every moment special.

FUN

We forgot how to have fun, I see it now I'm so excited I just want to pick up and spin you around we need FUN.

But you need space, I want to talk to you I try we chat a little I mention what I realise... you get scared you need space.

I'm excited I cant wait for us to have fun again.... if we have fun again.....

Your not broken you are you and I don't think how I feel about you will ever change but you need space.

I need you

So your all cought up I don't know if I'll ever post again but I think it did feel better to let some of it out. If you have read this far thank you for your time dont make the mistakes o did.