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What is it called when a bunch of Japanese chefs insult each other? Shiitalke
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sven.txt
This is a short story based on a play session with a friend on Skyrim Together. Many shenanigans occurred with the debug console.
It was a dark day in Riverwood when two adventurers return from their weary quest. They had been sent to a dark crypt to retrieve an ancient horn for the wise men of the mountain.
Their quest had led them to Riverwood because a note from "a friend" said they had the horn, and needed to speak with us.
"I don't trust it." said Punches-That-Guy.
"Trust is seldom earned from you my friend" said Kambo as they both turned the bend into town.
"Do you trust that weird note we found?" replied Punches-That-Guy.
"No," replied Kambo, "but this one does not think it whom left it is hostile."
"I'm assuming they are, it's kept me from being killed so far." Punches-That-Guy said, quite annoyed by the conversation.
"This one understands. This one knows the Nords are hostile to our kind." Kambo attempting to bring down the tension. "But not everyone is out to get us. This one was not when we first met."
"Yes you were, and we didn't just meet, you just started following me one" Punches-That-Guy said, now even more annoyed.
"Oh yes, I forget. The skooma tends to make this one's mind as fuzzy as he is." Kambo reflected.
A moment of silence fell between the two adventurers as they approached the Sleeping Giant Inn.
"By the way does this one.." said Kambo.
"For the fifth time, no I don't." Punches-That-Guy snapped back.
The pair enter the Sleeping Giant Inn. The warmth of the Inn air was a welcome change from the brisk cold of the Skyrim roads.
At the bar was a woman, plane and ordinary, as far as either adventurer could tell.
"We'll take the attic room for the night." Punches-That-Guy said to the woman.
"Attic room eh… we don't have one. You can have the one on the left, enjoy your stay.."
The woman pointed to a bedroom. The two adventurers make their way in and settle down.
"You see, I don't trust it." Punches-That-Guy said, visibly anxious about the situation.
"You should relax, if you had some.." Kambo started.
"If you say skooma again, I swear I'm going to punch you." Punches-That-Guy said, though such an action would be expected of him.
After a moment Punches-That-Guy walks to the room door and a small glow is visible from his hand, then, a rune appears on the room door.
"There, now we can get the drop on them, even if we're asleep" Punches-That-Guy says, now looking a bit more calm.
A moment passes then Kambo's eyes widen. "What if they come from through the walls, that happened once!" Kambo says, now anxious about the new prospect he invented for himself.
"That was a Dwemer ruin, you were blitzed out on skooma, and you got your head stuck in a Dwemer Sphere chute." Punches-that-guy said, as his eyes begin to narrow at Kambo.
Suddenly, a jiggle begins at the room's door knob as the door slowly opens. Briefest of moments, everything seems to happen in slow motion as lighting sparks out from the rune's surface, scattering the room's decor and knocking the surprised Inn Keeper back a few feet. With the eruption, Kambo and Punches-That-Guy ready themselves in a way that only seasoned adventurers would.
Without much delay, like our adventurers, the Inn Keeper takes a ready stance, with a knife in one hand and something else in the other, like she was about to unveil something she had hidden.
Lighting erupts from the prepared rune, sending the Inn Keeper back a few feet. Caught by surprise, Kambo and Punches-That-Guy dart their eyes towards the door as an explosion erupts from the rune. The inn keeper woman is knocked back a few feet, door knob in one hand and horn in the other. Kambo notices the concealed object and cries out "She's got some, this one knows it!" "Not the time cat!" Punches-That-Guy screams back as he narrowly avoids a knife thrust from the Inn Keeper. Punches-That-Guy delivers a swift counter punch to the Inn Keeper who is knocked back again, but again, isn't deterred. Everyone else at the Sleeping Giant, now having enough time to react, readies their weapons to assist the Inn Keeper.
As if by instinct, two adventurers make their way towards the door of the inn. Retreat was the only option now. Regrouping and coming back later was their usual plan when muck hits the fan.
As the pair leave the inn and step back out to Riverwood, Punches-That-Guy looks on in horror as he sees something far worse. "It's, an army…" he says in shock.
It was Sven, a local lumberjack, but there where dozens, no hundreds of them!
"Kambo, you didn't slip me any skooma did you?" Punches-That-Guy says, a little nervously.
"What, no. I mean, unless you wanted to, but you're buying the first.." Kambo says, attempting to scam Punches-That-Guy, but stopping upon seeing the horde of Nord lumberjacks.
"Plan A?" said Kambo.
"Plan A." replied Punches-That-Guy.
The pair now running for the south gate of the town, an army of Svens on their respective tails.
Upon exiting the town, Punches-That-Guy begins channeling a spell, the air cracking with energy. Kambo stands behind Punches-That-Guy, channeling his Magicka reserves into him.
From the hands of Punches-That-Guy erupts a mighty beam of lighting that tears through the army of Lumberjacks.
This stream of raw energy persists for a few minutes, tearing through the crowd of Svens. The beam of Lighting burning away flesh and bone, turning everything to ash.
After those minutes, Punches-That-Guy lowers his hands, near exhausted from the spell he just cast. "And that's why they call me Thunderlizard." he says smuggly that he's slaughtered so many Nords.
Punches-That-guy then falls onto a sitting position, attempting to get catch his breath. Suddenly, out of the shadows, comes a wood elf.
"What did you do?!" says Faendal, screaming at the Argonian, looking at the result of the mighty spell.
"I think that guy is the romantic rival to that guy that was actually a horde of lumberjacks." thinks Punches-That-Guy as Faendal draws out his bow and aims at the tired Argonian.
"Oh come on, there was an army of them clearly some Dae-" Punches-that-guy attempts to reason.
"What do you mean!?" interrupts Faendal "All you've done is scorch the earth and frightened all the townsfolk!"
"Look, you have to believe…" Punches-That-Guy says as an arrow is unleashed from Faendal's bow. The arrow pierces his shoulder.
"Run!" Punches-that-guy says, wincing in pain from the arrow shot.
The pair retreat with a hail of arrows from the wood elf and angry townsfolk in pursuit. Tired and with one bleeding, the pair retreat deep into the forest, past where any lights from the village could be seen.
The pair slink down beneath a tree, as a gentle snow begins to fall.
"Got any skooma?" asks Kambo.
Kambo then gets punched, just as Punches-that-guy promised.
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DnD joke item ideas (feel free to steal)
Bag of Withholding - The bag contains whatever your party needs the most at any given time, but the bag itself is sealed. It is impossible to get at the contents of the bag by any and all means.
Bag of Molding - The bag can contain any one item, but will permanently take the shape of whatever item that is placed within. If the contents of the bag are removed, the shape is maintained.
Bag of Moulding - If placed within the Bag of Molding, an exact copy is made within this bag and the Bag of Molding is destroyed. That exact copy is only in physical characteristics, no enchantments or any special effects are copied over. Bag of Moulding is destroyed when said copy is removed.
Bag of Scolding - Any and all items can be placed in the bag. If any items are in the bag, the bag itself will start to yell at you about your life decisions.
Bag of Polling - Can hold any number of one type, but it will notify you every turn in a loud voice how many of said item it's holding.
Bag of Doling - Opening this bag will produce an infinite stream of bananas.
Bag of Foreboding - Attempting to put an item within this bag will give a person a sense of dread. Anyone who has placed an item with this bag will continue in a state of anxiety until the item the placed within has been removed.
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bdsm joke
what did the sub say he saw his dom was dressed as an avacado?
Ooooo Mommy!
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Does anyone want any stupid banana renders I did?
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