headtogether-blog1

[headtogether-blog1]

#HeadsTogether

For the longest time, I didn’t kill myself because of my cat. That thought although it saved me, depressed me so damn much as essentially I was admitting my cat was the only living thing my existence depended upon. 

For as long as I can remember, I was always full of hate towards the world but mostly towards myself and the pain I felt was a constant ache, dread and it suffocated me daily. I did everything I could without realising it was only making me feel worse about me. I drank, I did drugs, I lied, I slept around and unsafely at that, I stole and I cut myself. Every day getting up was an effort and every day I just wished was the day I would die and my pain would end. The fact I could never kill myself successfully would only add to my self-loathing. It was a vicious circle. I wanted to die but I’d been sentenced to life. 

I carried on like this, for a good 10 years to the point it almost began to feel normal. I thought my darkness as I began to call it was just who I was and I didn’t think there was a way to escape that. I became numb for awhile and somehow feeling nothing at all was worse than feeling everything magnified. I was a mess, I broke on a regular occasion and this was my normal. 

Looking back, there wasn’t one big life change and boom I was happy. It didn’t happen overnight and it took me a lot of work but things did change. I changed, for the better. To truly appreciate happiness, I think hitting rock bottom helps. 

You have to be ready to change and I wasn’t for a long time. I was both too scared of failure to even try whilst also felt undeserving enough to even warrant a fight but I found a mentor. Or perhaps, she found me.  Either way she was someone I looked up to, had suffered plenty more in her life and she still was fighting her demons. She was the first person to ever tell me that I deserved to be here, and happy. I must of been ready to hear it because something in me clicked. I decided to try, I remember it been a conscious decision of trying something new after all, nothing else I was doing was working. I think having the desire, the fight in you to succeed is half the battle. Once that was instilled in me, that was my first step. 

I began to travel, for the first time in my life and alone at that. The very first time was horrific. I got to this exotic location and just cried and cried because all I felt was disconnected to everything and everyone and a huge sense of not belonging anywhere. It was then I realised this was no quick fix. I didn’t give up though, I carried on travelling, reading, I took up photography, began to write again, all things I’d always had an interest in but never dared to try and the dots slowly began to align. I found myself walking with my head held high, looking up instead of the crumbled mess I used to be. I found happiness in the smallest of things, things I’d never appreciated before. I tried professional therapy as well as anti-depressants but I soon worked out they weren’t for me. My mentor became my therapy in a way. I don’t know if she even knew the difference she began to make, and still does to this day but whether I speak to them every month, year or never again, I carry their advice with me always. 

Talking about my thoughts openly and honestly knowing she could relate and no stigma was attached that’s what ultimately made the difference. This was long before I knew about the HeadsTogether Campaign but essentially we were doing just that and it’s what saved my life. That and my cat. 

If I could dare to offer any advice to someone who feels alone, depressed or all of the above my best advice would be to talk it out. I tried, and failed to drink it away, cut it out and/or ignore it. You don’t deserve to suffer this way and it is beatable, I promise. I remember reading posts like this when I was at my lowest ebb and wondered how they could beat it and yet I couldn’t. But you can if you just reach out, trust the right person and find the therapy that works for you whatever that may be. It isn’t easy and you do have to work at it daily but it’s easier than the alternative.

Nowadays I credit my mentor as well as my cat for keeping me alive but also myself for getting this far. I’m proud of the person I’m becoming and excited about all that’s ahead. Believe in yourself, even just a small part of you, water it and watch yourself grow. Talk to people who have beaten similar demons, check out the HeadsTogether Campaign and know, no matter what you’re going through and what you feel, you’re not alone. You are amazing and strong for keeping going and you can beat anything. I am proof of that. 

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/