hel7l7

[hel7l7]

*feels myself slipping* oh I NEED to write a fucked-up story

[hel7l7]

How ridiculous of me to think I could ever be like them

[hel7l7]

-

[hel7l7]

I think I'm afraid of you sometimes

[hel7l7]

maybe it's ok to miss you

[hel7l7]

I only feel safe when I'm fighting

[hel7l7]

I don't feel anything. Nothing at all.

[hel7l7]

TW

Lol every time i read smt about a sexually abused character i get this fucking pit in my stomach bcs that must be horrible. And i feel sick and sad and ashamed and everything all at once and then I remember that it happened to me and it all feels so far away and so close at the same time.

[hel7l7]

I just want to make you proud

[hel7l7]

AND I WATCH I WATCH AS THE BLOOD SPILLS FROM HER LIPS INTO MY HANDS AND ONTO THE FLOOR HER EYES PIERCE THROUGH ME FORCING ME TO KEEP GOING TO NOT LEAVE HER ALONE WITH THIS MESS SO I STAY I STAY AND HER BLOOD TRAILS BEHIND ME I CANNOT CARRY HER PAIN THIS HURT SHE’S BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER ME AND I CANNOT FIND MYSELF IN THE MESS I AM CHOKING, DROWNING ON HER FEELINGS AND I CANNOT LEAVE HER ALONE EACH ATTEMPT AT RUNNING IS MET WITH A PULL FROM HER SIDE WHISPERS, PROMISES OF CHANGE THE MERE IDEA OF ARMS WRAPPED WARMLY AROUND ME BRING ME TO MY KNEES CRAWLING BACK INTO THE KNOWN

CLOSE, CLOSE, CLOSER TO HER

HER ARMS AROUND ME UNTIL A PUSH GO! I NEED TO GO SHE SCREAMS FIRST, BLOOD ALREADY BUBBLING IN HER THROAT HANDS AGAINST MY CHEST, COMFORTING, CONFRONTING I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE AND WE KNOW IT

GO, I NEED TO GO! LEAVE HER WITH HER MESS. 

CAN’T I SEE WHAT I DID? HOW I CAUSED THIS? DIDN’T I NOTICE THE CUTS ON MY ARMS?  DON’T I SEE THAT IT’S KILLING ME?  I DRAW BACK, STUMBLING, SLIPPING OVER THE CHAOS I CANNOT CARRY HER PAIN I AM DROWNING IN HER FEELINGS I CANNOT LEAVE HER ALONE SHE CANNOT LEAVE ME ALONE SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE LEFT ME ALONE

[hel7l7]

So my mom’s boyfriend got admitted to the hospital two days ago and I’m only now going through the emotions of it all.

PTW under the cut (hospital/death/divorce)

So he got into cardiac arrest and people around him saved his life. Everything looks sorta stable now and it looks like he’ll mostly recover.

But it was such an intense experience. My mom was hysterical. I immediately went to practical mode. Just thinking of what we had to do to get to the hospital. (We weren’t with him when it happened. The police contacted us.) The whole first night i was just on autopilot. Trying to stay calm for my mom and stepbrother. Making sure everyone was eating/drinking/peeing/venting/etc. While trying to text people involved. (My stepbrother contacted many people as well tough.)

Seeing him in the hospital was just hard. In the beginning he was unconscious and it wasn’t really sure if he’d wake up and if he’d have any brain damage. But he woke up and was just really confused and out of it. He kept asking where he was and what had happened on repeat.

In the end my mom could stay in the hospital with him. Me and my stepbrother went home and my brother came home too.

Yesterday things were looking up a bit more. I went to the hospital to bring clothes and stuff and to visit.

And today it’s just starting to hit me. Like, that fucker died for a few minutes. If he hadn’t been around people he’d be gone…

It took me years before i started to like him. But in the past few years i’ve really come to accept and love him, i guess. It feels weird to say that because he is not my dad. But i see him more often than i see my dad. And it is def not the same feeling I have for my stepdad than for my actual dad. But he’s close to me as well and i care about him.

I just feel sorta guilty towards my real dad… As if I’m cheating on him by loving this guy as well. I feel bad about being sad and scared.

On the other hand i’m just struggling with my mom. I try my best to be there for her but it’s just hard to see her in pain. I keep thinking of the moment she ran into our house after the police had told her what had happened. Keep hearing her panicked screaming. (It was bad - the neighbors came over to check up on us after they’d heard her.)

I want to be strong for her. And she really appreciates that I help her out with things so that’s good. But idk how to deal with myself in moments. I’m so stressed and exhausted.

[hel7l7]

I'm drowning in my past and I don't know how to get out!

[hel7l7]

I don't wanna lose myself in this again

[hel7l7]

I'm so tired of this ptsd shit

it just feels lonely even though I'm not alone

[hel7l7]

Today I noticed that they're tearing down the place where we last saw each other

there will be nothing left of us in this town

[hel7l7]

You made me sick. I went fucking mad. You hurt me and then told me it was all my fault. You made me feel crazy. You told me that we had something special and then said none of it was real. You said you cared about me. But you fucked me up. I can barely say your name. If it was all like you said it was I wouldn't feel this way, right? Am I crazy? Am I wrong? I cut your name into my skin over & over again but it never healed me. My body can't let you go.

I still have nightmares about you. I still get flashbacks. I loved you. Like a child loves their mom. You were a mother to me. I still remember how you held me. I remember how much I loved you. I think you loved me too. IT'S SICK!!!. You were supposed to help me. You got me at my weakest and knew just how to use everything against me. I hate you. You made me the worst I'd ever been. And made me feel like it was all my fault. You gave me trauma bitch. It wasn't real. You didn't care.

[hel7l7]

Don't promise me better if you can't make it come true