hello-artemis

[hello-artemis]

Case Unclosed: The End of Everything

I wrote this 4 years ago...

What to write... what to write...

Well, I've been thinking what to write and honestly, I am avoiding myself to write about him... well, it's not really about him. It is about my realizations about our relationship that had gone rogue.

Realization. My left hand have been trying to write this word on every sentences that I have been trying to write. Instead of "relationship", it becomes "REALIZATION", instead of "real", it becomes "REALIZATION". Is it a sign that I must realize something regarding our relationship? According to Wendelin Van Draanen (the author of the book, Flipped), "Every once in a while, you’ll find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare."

I thought I have already found that someone... the iridescent one. Well, I have... I had... He just decided to walk away because of some things that he thought we can't sort out. So, he ran away taking his love with him and gave it to another girl who's madly, deeply in loved with his best friend and I honestly didn't think that he will fall in love with his best friend's girl.

Honestly, I kept on asking myself, “What did I do?” All I wanted was for him to be a better person. Well, I guess I failed. No... He made his own path, he chose his own fate and he decided to leave. I think my fault here was, I became a nagger. Well, that is because he doesn’t even realizes everything until something comes back and hits him big time. On the other hand, I did even trust him when it comes to his friends. I’m not that close-minded that’s why I allow him to be friends with a boy and a girl, and It didn’t bother me because those are his friends since then, before we met, but as the time goes by, he became worse and worse. I know what I know. We’ve been together for 1 year, 1 month, 20 days, 5 hours, 30 minutes and 8 seconds and I know how his mind works. I know when he’s lying and hell, I didn’t even try to speak up because I was just waiting for him to tell me the truth. I didn’t even thought of someone that will take him away from me but hell, just like any other movies and dramas aired on TV, it happens.

The thing that hurts me the most is when he promised me that he will never going to leave just like my father did. I guess, it is true that promises are meant to be broken just like what he did to my heart. I trusted him on every aspects and the worst of all, I gave him all the love that I could give. I always hated myself for saying, “I’m tired, but hey, good thing they invented resting. I could love you over and over again.”

I really could love him over and over again but the thing is, he can’t even do the same thing. I do not deserve him, but he deserves me. I am here to fix him but he did not let me do my job. He always try to convince himself that he is unfixable because he is constant, and constant has a value which cannot be changed.

Well, although he left me, leaving me nothing but a woman who’s afraid of falling in love with someone else again, on the brighter side, he gave me a reason to focus on my studies and be successful someday. I just hope that he is happy with his new love and I hope he realizes that the choice that he make will affect his entire life. And for me, well, I may be wrong for accusing him the “iridescent” one, at least I had fun being with him and sharing memories with him. :)

The session is adjourned.

[hello-artemis]

Some unsaid feelings

Jan Gabrielle Dela Cruz,

When I broke up with you, I know that we only said some things that are necessary to end the relationship but we never said anything about the things that are necessary to put our souls to rest. I have been wanting to talk to you, but whenever I try to, there is this weird voice that I hear, that says, "What's the point? You guys aren't together anyway," and so I always end up keeping things to myself.

Do you want to know the truth? The truth is, there are times that I still think about you. But I know for sure that I do not miss you. There are times that I just couldn't stop thinking about the good times that we had. How carefree we were; how comfortable we were to each other, up to that point that I even know about your deepest darkest secret that even your mom or your brother doesn't know about. I remember how we enjoy listening to music, how we appreciate it by just looking at the technicality part of it--I think, what I miss, is the part that I get to talk to you about music however I want to, and you would not judge me for it. I remember the time where my mom was so upset because I went home at almost 2 in the morning because we were at Nathan's house doing music and my mom didn't know about it. I remember how upset I was to you before going to Nathan's, but you were just there looking so chill as what you have always been.

There are times that I just couldn't stop re-reading our old convo. I just realized how I tend to be so pathetic and miserable I was and all I did was to put out everything on you. My anxiety, my depression, my misery, and my agony. I am very sorry for that. You hurting me in the past was no excuse for me to act that way. I know that you were doing your best to keep us together; to let me closer to you. We were both hurt in an awful way, and I wish I was able to see your side more and not my side only.

Truth is, I fell out of love. Not because you were worthless; not because you did nothing. It was because I got tired of overthinking things. I got tired of the fact that I was never gonna be your #1. 5 years, that we were together, it hurts to think that I am the living proof of how our relationship deteriorated gradually. It hurts to think that I was so patient to wait for you, and still can make you feel that you are the top priority. You gave me insights as to how long term relationship looks like when it is one sided. It looks dreadful... it feels like hell and it hurts a lot. You made me feel afraid of being in a relationship again, and my trust issues build up increased because of the excessive fear of what might future holds if I am in a relationship again.

Anyway, I would like to thank our relationship because it served me a lesson. Because of our relationship, I was able to control my feelings now that I am in a relationship. I learned that I do not need to be needy, but instead, I should learn how to be okay when everything is okay and never overthink. ayun lang siguro. broken thoughts again.

[hello-artemis]

Case Unclosed: The End of Everything

Disclaimer: I wrote this 5 years ago.

What to write... what to write...

Well, I've been thinking what to write and honestly, I am avoiding myself to write about him... it's not really about him. It is about my realizations about our relationship that had gone rogue.

Realization. My left hand have been trying to write this word on every sentences that I wrote. Instead of "relationship", it becomes "REALIZATION", instead of "real", it becomes "REALIZATION". Is it a sign that I must realize something regarding our relationship?

According to Wendelin Van Draanen (the author of the book, Flipped), "Every once in a while, you’ll find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare." I thought I already found that someone... the iridescent one. Well, I have... I had... It's just that, he decided to walk away because of some things that he thought we won't be able to sort out. So, he ran away taking his love with him and gave it to another girl who's madly, deeply in loved with his best friend and I honestly didn't think that he will fall in love with his best friend's girl.

Honestly, I kept on asking myself, “What did I do?” All I wanted was for him to be a better person. Well, I guess I failed. No... He made his own path, he chose his own fate and he decided to leave. I think my fault here was, I became a nagger. Well, that is because he doesn’t even realizes everything until something comes back and hits him big time. On the other hand, I did even trust him when it comes to his friends. I’m not a sexist that’s why I allow him to be friends with a boy and a girl, and It didn’t bother me because those are his friends since then, before we met, but as the time goes by, he became worse and worse.

We’ve been together for 1 year, 1 month, 20 days, 5 hours, 30 minutes and 8 seconds and I know how his mind works. I know when he’s lying and hell, I didn’t even try speak up because I was just waiting for him to tell me the truth. I didn’t even thought of someone that will take him away from me but hell, just like any other movies and dramas aired on TV, it happens.

The thing that hurts me the most is when he promised me that he will never going to leave me just like my father did. I guess, it is true that promises are meant to be broken just like what he did to my heart. I trusted him in every aspects and the worst of all, I gave him all the love that I could give. I always hated myself for saying, “I’m tired, but hey, good thing they invented resting. I could love you over and over again.” I really could love him over and over again but the thing is, he can’t even do the same thing. I do not deserve him, but he didn't deserve me. I am here to fix him but he did not let me do my job. He always try to convince himself that he is unfixable because he is constant, and constant has a value which cannot be changed.

Well, although he left me, leaving me nothing but a woman who’s afraid of falling in love with someone else again, on the bright side, he gave me a reason to focus on my studies and be successful someday. I just hope that he is happy with his new love and I hope he will realize that the choice that he make will affect his entire life. And for me, well, I may be wrong for accusing him the “iridescent” one, at least I had fun being with him and sharing memories with him. :)

The session is adjourned.

[hello-artemis]

Me and my mixed up emotions...

Disclaimer: this blog post has been on my drafts since April 2017. I know, I had a blog post before regarding the culprit which makes me so confused, but whatever. I’m just a human. I did my best in hiding this. It’s been 2 years already... I think I need to vent this out so that I can breathe. 

APRIL 2017

To the guy that I loved truly. You know how much anger I felt when you destroyed my perfectly good heart; when you chose to walk away without explaining things to me than staying. I could’ve wait for you. If only you gave me a reason to wait. 

I am already with someone. You know that. I should’ve been happy. But how can I be happy with this person if seeing you makes me realize that I just did a wrong fucking decision?; if your existence makes me want to realize that I could’ve been more patient? You asked me if I still love you. I said, yes. But I can’t leave him for you. Because he does not deserve to be hurt. All he does is loving me. And I am too traumatized by what you did to me. I can’t risk myself loving you anymore. I am sorry. I am sorry for being selfish. For moving on too early. I am sorry if I chose to face the reality of our situation, but I will never be sorry for being tired stuck in my fantasies for too long. 

----

Disclaimer: From this part onwards is not included in the drafts. 

APRIL 2019

April is my most hated month. You know why? Because this is the month where most of my downfalls in my relationships happened. It’s quite shitty. I really want to fucking end this streak. 

Hello to my ex that I dated for 2 years. I am so happy that we are talking again. Well, we are talking, but not the same “talk” like long conversations and everything, because I am too damn busy studying for my future. But anyway, now that the semester is over, we are finally talking again. You know, late night conversations and all that shit, just like what we do before when we were still a thing. 

March 2019, you have been appearing to my dream couple of times. It’s either you, telling me that you’re gonna get me from my boyfriend once you have the ability to do so; or kissing me, telling me that you still love me. And the worst part is, it made me miss you. At first, I was in denial of telling myself that I missed you because we had our good memories together as friends. But as time goes by, when we started talking again, here, in April 2019, at first it made me think that maybe I miss you because I miss us. I miss us being together, something like that. But you and your shitty confidence level made me realize how shitty it is to miss you. Shitty in a sense that I fucking hate the feeling of missing you. Because I don’t know. I have this kind of feeling that it’s making you boost your confidence. Because you were chasing after me 2 fucking years ago, and here I am, missing you all of a sudden. That’s a thing to celebrate, right? The feels of you knowing that you won the fucking battle? 

Anyway, you enjoyed talking to me until dawn. I for one enjoyed it as well. At some point, it never crossed my mind that I have a boyfriend. All that I think of is this tiny little world consists of me and you... again.  

The next day, I told you that I want to get out. And so we went out. While we were together, all I think of is I just want to smell some air, and socialize, to say the least. But while I was checking my phone and talking to you as well, you suddenly kissed me. I nearly kissed you back, but I resisted. My heart started to beat as fast as hell and told you to never touch me. To be honest, your kiss made me confused, ONCE AGAIN. I was on my way home. Crying. Because aside from me being confused, I was also kept telling myself that I cheated on my boyfriend. ONCE AGAIN. Fucking hell. 

That night, I told you to talk to me. And so you did. I asked you why you did that. You said, you just felt doing it. It kinda insulted me. Not because I am a girl and you’re a boy, doesn’t mean that you can go on and kiss me as long as you like. But then after a couple of questions, it made you tell me that you still love me...

I cried. Really. You asked me if I still love you. I said no. But I am still hurt. But the reality is, I lied. I still love you. You have this tight grip in my heart that no matter how much I want to remove it, I can’t. Because at some point, our story is still unique than what I have now. To the extent that I cannot let go of you, or even thinking that you are falling in love with someone. You loved me when I almost hated myself. And every time I think about us, I never felt being so insecure about myself compared to what I have now. Ours was very difficult but it was all worth it. 

When I was in high school, I always think about us, being together forever. Being high school lovers and all that shit; I always think about me doing my studies very well once I stepped into college because I want you to be proud of me, even though you already are. It was safe to say that you were my motivation. 

When you left me, I kept thinking on being better even though you are not around anymore. I made myself busy as hell so that I could never think about you. Do you know what’s crazy? I thought I already moved on. Because it’s already 2 years. But every time you show up, you just keep on making me realize that you are still incomparable. That I cannot find anyone better than you. And that I made a wrong decision of not choosing you. 

I still love you. But it is unfair. To me and to everybody else around us. Our story was quite unique, but also tragic. We can tell that we are for each other, but it is the fate who’s keeping us apart. 

But who knows? Maybe in another time, and in another life, there is a moment reserved just for us? I don’t know. All I know is, I love you, always and forever. Even if you already found the girl that you have always been looking for. And even if your happiness does not includes me. I love you.  Let me disappear now.

[hello-artemis]

World War III

Our History teachers told us that World War I (1914) started when Gavrilo Princip of Serbia, assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. Austrian people were so in grieved about what happened, thus leading Austria to declare a war against Serbia. When Russia began to mobilize due to its alliance with Serbia, Germany declared war on Russia. Thus began the expansion of the war to include all those involved in the mutual defense alliances.

They also told us that one of the causes of World War II (1939) is the result of Treaty of Versailles to Germany which made Hitler defy it. 

The world was in a great chaos as what is being said on our History. Even our grandfathers and grandmothers experienced it. As the time goes by, many things had already happened. I heard some people talking about the possible cause of World War III if it enters Asia. Some people had become war and political analysts regarding the cold war that was happening between China and Philippines. But one thing they don’t see is, the war is already been going on. This kind of war is not the usual war that we heard from our elder relatives and History teachers. This kind of war is not something that we usually read in the internet and History books on how people shoot guns at each other, throw explosives from one country to another, rape, and invading colonies. No. It’s not about that.

The war that we are currently experiencing right now, is happening right in our minds. It drives people to a certain point of extreme sadness, and make them kill themselves afterwards. 

We call it depression. 

There are so many people being a soldier of themselves, but no one has able to see it. They might seem happy, peaceful, and happy-go-lucky as if they are the most positive kind of person you’ll ever meet but the truth is, they have been being killed gradually by this kind of mental parasite. 

It is just sad because although it is quite evident already that lots of people are experiencing this; that are already crying for help, some people are also thinking that depression is just a term that is being attached next to someone’s name, or a term that is being describe whenever the person is sad. 

People, WORLD WAR III is not when your love on is cheating on you. WORLD WAR III is a battle of the people you call “losers” against depression. 

[hello-artemis]

Ni-minsan hindi naging madali ang maging totoo para sa sarili. Hindi man ito tanggapin ng iyong sistema, ngunit gusto kong malaman mo na hindi ko na kayang lokohin pa ang sarili ko.

[hello-artemis]

A: Mahal mo pa ba ako?

B: Oo. Mahal pa kita.

[hello-artemis]

[hello-artemis]

This Guy

I have known this guy for 45 days or so, and eversince I met this guy, there is this weird flame in my system that suddenly started to ignite and made me want this guy unconsciously and indirectly, from what I had realized.

One bug with a dash of annoyance. I never knew that these are the only ingredients to realize that I want this guy.

What do I mean want? Want to what?

I am not actually sure on my terminology, but for all I know, I want him denotatively.

12/31/16

I never knew inconsistencies can be the other things to love. Of all the consistencies in his stories that he tells me about his life, it was the inconsistencies of his demeanor that I started to fall in love with.

Did I just say that I love him because I really do? Or because I do love the petty cat and mouse thingy?

1/1/17

New year… I guess this would be the great time for me to end the joke. I don’t want to waste my life just because I fell in love for someone’s inconsistency– mixed signals. I don’t want to waste my life just because my lucks when it comes to the losing game that we call love is over. No. I have never been lucky. Who would’ve thought I could fell inlove to someone who did give me mixed signals, and lead me on? That’s just beautifully unacceptable and at the same time, it’s bittersweet.

However, as much as I want to end this, but my system won’t let me…

1/9/17

We kissed. I felt nothing. Why?

–

1/17/17

Now I know why…

Of all the stories that he told me, now I know the reasons of some of his inconsistencies.

According to Newton, people do fall 9.8 m/s^2 with respect to gravity, but falling in love and loving a person who you treated one as special although that person all ever did was to hurt you in an incredible way? That thing is more that 9.8 m/s^2. It is more than the speed of light to the extent that your heart is already shattered and unable to fix it again with the same situation of not knowing if you could still love for real again due to uncertainty.

[hello-artemis]

One of the things that I do whenever I ride MRT on my way to work. ☺

[hello-artemis]

Hiatus

I'm back! I guess, I'll be posting some weird stuffs here again. :)

[hello-artemis]

Siguro nga'y napakagulo ng aking utak. Hindi ko malaman kung kanino ako sasama, at hindi ko rin mawari kung ano ba ang nararamdaman ko. Mahal pa ba kita o iyon na lamang ay ang mga tira-tirang nararamdaman mula sa panahong niyayanig mo ang aking malumbay na mundo. -aftershock, hazel banawis

[hello-artemis]

[hello-artemis]

[hello-artemis]

[hello-artemis]

Since I was a little I have been a fond of Hating goodbyes And now It feels like I have been Mastering on Doing it...

[hello-artemis]

I want to post a blog, but my thoughts seemed to be a little bit unorganized.