hellomishee

[hellomishee]

You belong with me. 💚💛💜❤️🩵🖤

Letter on my site :)

[hellomishee]

Abandoning a dream

Is it really worth pursuing one dream for another? What if this dream/career/path is not for me? And I chose wrongly?

Oh, but my dear, what if you chose the right thing?

I am at the point of my life where I am faced with a huge crossroad. It is so huge that it's eating me up and the people around me may be meddling in too much. LOL. I guess, adulting really is just a series of making big decisions that's supposed to shape up your future. But you see, I was used to going with the flow. I never really had an active say as to which path I'm taking after choosing my college degree. Everything just happened naturally, like I'm meant to do everything I've done, like going to med school immediately after college, take the boards, serve in public health thereafter.. And yet now I am torn like I've never been torn my entire life--deciding between the life I currently have (my comfort zone??) versus the life I envisioned for myself (stepping out of it). Can't I have both?

I am terrified. Of the future. Of what I could become. Of what will come out of my choices.

I truly hope I'm not making the wrong decision.

[hellomishee]

are you ever just an nbsb girlie with no romantic involvements ever that the possibility of someone taking interest in you leaves you all questioning and skeptical and the thought scares you so much it makes you feel like throwing up lol

[hellomishee]

[hellomishee]

i loved one direction with an all-consuming force when i was younger. it hurts deeply to mourn someone you were a massive fan of as teenager, and became a peer of as an adult.

i know people change and grief is unsure or complicated when it’s attached to a fond memory or the feeling a person gave you and not tangibly the person themself. i can see many of you on here are struggling with that right now and i understand.

a few years ago i purchased a home that Liam previously owned. there were rumors the house was haunted. He assured me it was not, and i believed him. because i know the ghosts that haunt us aren’t tethered to buildings. They live in parts of us that are harder to reach and they go wherever we do.

as a parent, a fellow artist, and a fan, i simply cannot fathom this untimely loss. my heart goes out to his family, friends, and the fans. 💔

[hellomishee]

[hellomishee]

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with youuuu! Celebrate 34 with me by watching The Eras Tour (Extended Version) including “Long Live” 🐉 “The Archer” 🏹 and “Wildest Dreams” 💙 at home!

PS troll me all you want about my excessive and literal millennial emoji use but A) no one’s prouder to be a millennial and B) it’s my bday and today I am exempt! 🎂

https://taylor.lnk.to/TSTheErasTourAtHome

[hellomishee]

reblog this if you want a LONG (or short) anonymous message saying what they think of you.

pleaaase?

[hellomishee]

more often than not, I found myself leaving more than being left behind..

[hellomishee]

“The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.”

— Maya Angelou (via writingdotcoffee)

[hellomishee]

Grote Markt, Antwerp, Belgium (by Peter H)

[hellomishee]

Twenty-sixth.

I have always though that when I reach this age, everything is going according to plan. I’d have a stable job, should’ve been on my second pay cheque for the year, helping with the bills at home, and maybe serving the people who need me? But look where I am now, I have never felt s lost in my life.

After college I had always foreseen my life for the next five years. I’d be in medical school, studying and working my ass off. But I never really thought beyond that. Sure I had considered a few residency trainings here and there, but since I have a scholarship I have to do a return service to, that plan has to be on pause for now. 

Part of me had always seen myself going for “Doctors to the Barrio”. I thought maybe I could do my return service as one. Up until internship I considered that, but since the pandemic happened I kind of lost interest in being part of the government’s allies, but I didn’t completely ignored the idea, in fact I even tried o submit an application. Unfortunately, my effort was in vain. I didn’t make it because there was a change in how DTTBs were hired. I planned on serving my father’s hometown, but they weren’t able to secure slots for a rural health physician which I found really weird..and sad. All along I envisioned my self working there, but I guess God has other plans. 

I passed the licensure exam in the middle of the pandemic, where health workers are most needed but are most vulnerable to an invisible disease. I was twenty five when I passed. I was younger than most of my peers, but I was only twenty five and that was probably one of the most anticlimactic year of my life. I always thought had I not took and passed the boards, it’s just gonna be another year for me. Nothing memorable ever happened because we spent most of our days at home, but I passed the biggest exam of my life, and for that I am very thankful for despite all of my self doubt, loneliness, and worries, I came through, and God helped me through it. 

The journey through board exam was probably the most nerve-wracking. It was always a battle against my self. The battle between self discipline and motivation has always been there, the feeling of inadequacy of “doing enough” of “studying enough” was a heavy weight on my shoulder. I was so glad I got out of that, I was happy I made my parents and myself proud, but it wasn��t the same for many of my friends. 

I found out I passed on a Wendesday evening, I was watching a Korean drama to distract myself of the possible news. I wanted to wake up to people telling me I passed, but of course that didn’t happen. I made the mistake of checking out the notification on my phone when one of my friends told us the results are out. I didn’t want to believe them at first but as I checked the notifications for our class’ group chat, it was so real. It was surreal. 

I remember panicking and throwing my phone. The lights were off that time, my sister was next to me so I asked her to check the results for me, while I cried and my heart was pounding so fast and I thought of so many scenarios in my head, “what if I don’t pass? what’s gonna happen?”. I did pass and I was very happy and thankful, but like I said it was bittersweet as some of my friends didn’t make it.

The days leading to the announcement of the results were probably the most mentally draining (after of course the board exams itself). It was like being stuck on a limbo. I often thought, “It’s done. I did my best. Now I wait and pray. There’s nothing much I can do about it.” “What if I fail? How am I gonna face everyone?” “When I pass the exam, where or what am I gonna do next?”

The moment I found out I passed the boards I thought, ”What’s next?”  Which path am I gonna take? I wanted to rest but I also wanted to help my family. But I was feeling very burned out. I was just studying for the past 9 months or so, can’t I have time for myself? I didn’t wanna rush getting employed then, and now I guess that’s one of my regrets. Maybe I’d have a stable job now. I could’ve helped with the bills at home. I won’t be feeling anxious every time I go on duty. I’d have a routine schedule. I’d be busy living a meaningful life, not just slacking off at home.

I have never felt so inadequate. Even though my mom doesn’t say it, I know she wants me to get a proper job already and not just wait for someone to relieve them. I want to be employed as well but I don’t know why am I feeling like such a loser, I can’t even inquire about stuff. I hate the current uncertainty of my life. I hate not having a routine. I hate the anxiety. I hope it will get better soon, after all I’m twenty six. Maybe this year will turn out a little better. 

[hellomishee]

Taylor Swift's songs made up the soundtrack of my high school life and now that she'll release a new version of Fearless makes me so elated. I can't believe I get to relive Fearless era all over again! Thank you my queen! 💛💛💛

I’m thrilled to tell you that my new version of Fearless (Taylor’s Version) is done and will be with you soon. It has 26 songs including 6 never before released songs from the vault. Love Story (Taylor’s Version) will be out tonight. Pre-order now at https://taylor.lnk.to/fearlesstaylorsversion 💛💛

[hellomishee]

43 Days

Anxiety and emotional instability = not the best combo during review season.

I have 43 days til the biggest exam of my life, I shouldn’t even be here, but I’m trying to find ways to ease this anxiety sized lump in my throat. I don’t want to fail, of course, but I currently feel very lost. I have the motivaton but I’m not doing anything. I think about all the people I might let down If I fail. I shouldn’t even be thinking about failing right now but the self doubt is taking over me and clouding my thoughts. I hate this feeling. I’m really scared. I hope I could get over this feeling soon and get back on track. I have so many reasons on why I should get through this. I guess it’s normal to feel this way. Right now, I should probably get back on studying so it would ease my anxiety a little. I’m also going to pray. I need to be guided back to the light. Please I wanna get over this successfully. All of these will be worth it in the end if I do my best. Right??

[hellomishee]

August slipped away..

I let it. I did this to myself. And now I suffer the consequences.

[hellomishee]

I miss going out with my own company, wandering aimlessly without a destination in mind, without waiting for someone to meet or having meet them halfway on what to do.

I miss getting carried away with my own thoughts, my feet hurt but I keep walking. I may be inside a mall or a park, my mind drags my feet wherever.

I miss my feedom. I miss the feeling of solitude while being surrounded by strangers. I miss the world, can we go back to normal now please?

[hellomishee]

i missed being here. the solitude. the paradox of privacy yet opening your heart out to strangers. i missed writing. i miss my old self.