helluva-story

[helluva-story]

He laid down the back seats of the SUV & we entered through the back. The night was a little chilly, but the sound of the water crashing just a few feet from the car, makes the whole thing a lot calmer than it should be. The songs he played even made the situation smoother.

I had my eyes closed as we were conversing, laid down in the car. I was taking in the moment, taking in the fact that I wasn't being suffocated by my anxiety & drowned out by the thoughts that would just destroy me. I loved the fact that I was laying down somewhere that isn't my bed, or in the city even at all. I wasn't nervous, anxious, .. I wasn't happy, but I was at peace. I forgot the time, for once I was just alive.

All day long, I could sense he wanted to kiss me. His multiple attempts were quite obvious. Quite highschool actually. It was sweet, & the way he thought to take me out of the city, was the most me anyone has ever done for, well, me! What he did for me here, is definitely gonna be in the books. However, I wasn't expecting it to actually go through. He's a sweet, amazing guy.

He kissed by the book. I, however, do not. I knew the way I kissed, there was no way he wasn't going to like it. I knew he was hooked. He trailed his fingers softly down my spine, great, now I'm hooked. I knew he wasn't my type physically but he was my type on paper.

He stopped. He held & watched my face as he lightly chuckled. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing really." He said amused. "You're very beautiful. I have a horrible habit; when beautiful things or people or moment arise, I stare. So I'm quite sorry, you're quite attractive." I saw that he's charmed by the way he was watching me. Just like the many before him. I've seen them all somehow bewitched; not in love. I could sense his screaming aura, & he began. "I know that I promised myself not to fall for you. I've only known you two weeks, & already, I'm watching my phone to see if you've texted or called. If you haven't done either, I begin to wonder why you haven't. I was like this with my ex girlfriend before, & I told myself not to be like that anymore, & yet... I was even trying hold back talking to you about my feelings for you, & yet again!"

I wasn't blushing. I was feeling embarrassed. I didn't hate him for what he's done, he's done absolutely nothing wrong. However I absolutely do not feel the same way. I know I should've told him but, I said, "You can talk to me about your feelings, but don't fall for me. I am not the one you should be falling for. You will get hurt. We're having fun, & I like this because this is new, but.. I don't know. I'm not running away from your feelings, I'm just saying it's probably beneficial for you to not do that."

ulk, I'm such a man eater, ISTG.

[helluva-story]

BRO LET ME TELL YALL HOW GOD BE PLAYING ME REAL FKN HARD.

I been fkn pissed. It's been a bad month after another for the past umteen years. Before I seriously hurt somebody && get in some serious legal trouble 🥴🥴 I went "incog-negro mode" <TM Bounty Hunter D>.

One whole day of not leaving my house, I was still pissed but I stayed home & didn't hurt anybody.

Today, the next day, FKN GREAT. I was taking bong hits, watching Life of The Party & whatnots, having a finally good day. 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 whoop!

&& then I get heat being sent to me by some unknown illiterate woman. I was hella confused && thought to myself; not today..... nah, son, u fkn playing urself

She then says a name that ties it all together & away from the worse thing I thought it was. I breathed but I was still pissed. My girl calls me after I text her the name. Quickly, && I didn't ask, she started telling me the story. Remember, I didn't ask.

My girl is on my line going, "I need to call Gabby." This girl is texting me illiterate nasty things. & All I was really doing was sitting on my bed wondering why this is happening.

I'm now on a threeway call, two girls screaming, men in their houses screaming as well because they heard the conversation; & I go, "can I just say something real quick to all ya'll ?"

"first; weed is expensive. 2nd. I have been told to mind my business if I want to be left alone & want others to leave me alone. Now, I am minding my own business to be left alone; & imma need ya'll to do ya'll part."

[helluva-story]

Once, I was with a guy who said “if you want to be with me, you have to fix yourself. You’re too fucked up.” So that’s what I thought I was ever since. Too. Fucked. Up.

Ever since, I’ve been so afraid to be who I am. The annoying, anxious, exhausting person that I was, because in my thought, it was unattractive and no one would want that.

So I kept myself from everyone. I was still the same talkative, weird girl you’d meet. I’d talk about my mental health as if it was a normal subject. I seemed numb about it, but when the talking stopped, my mind went straight into my room and mentally cut myself open for saying it.

Yes, I became unhinged and numb, but I also became even more lonely than I did before.

After the break up, most of the trait went away. Except for one.

The constant self-doubt, lack of trust in partners, a shell-like defense mechanism whenever someone asked about my scars, easy and quick detachment whenever the slightest change happened; trait kept settled.

Now, there’s somebody who said “I don’t care, I can handle it. Just let me love you.”

And I can’t fully trust him. I become defensive whenever he asks about my self-harm. And I shift who I am to fit who he is. The slightest change in his attitude, gets me thinking he’s tired of me, he no longer loves me, he will only hurt me.

I still think of myself as Too. Fucked. Up.

I don’t choose to, I cannot help it. I don’t like it, I become exhausted of it. This may seem ridiculous, but it is the only way I’ll know I won’t be blinded and fooled again, without my knowing.

Though I am in love with him; though I deeply want him; I cannot fully trust him.

[helluva-story]

Omg

Straight men who always joke about hating their girlfriend are so fucking weird like imagine having a girlfriend and not treasuring and loving her every day smh grow up

[helluva-story]

Cut it out (1)

My sweet darling,

all these tears,

this hurt,

this pain in your heart,

do not fight it anymore,

it is a gift, you see, to feel this much

and even though it’s hard

it means you’re alive

with each of those tearful breaths gasped

your soul awakens,

more alive in the pain

than you were in the numb,

you are coming back to me now, my love,

lucid in this darkness —

so cry aloud,

yell,

and fall,

and I will be here waiting

to catch you

when the waking up is done.

[helluva-story]

Scary Retail Story Time (1)

So, it was 30 before we were officially closed for the night, and we were already in our assigned closing rooms. The store wasn’t exactly packed with customers, but there were still a handful of customers. Our main since one hour prior to this moment was to clear out all the customers as possible and start closing down the room.

A lady in dark blue jeggings and loose beige knitted top that hung to her waist had been walking around my section for about 5 minutes and she wasn’t moving like she was in a hurry, so I decided to come up to her.

Normal retail, conversing exchange was going on. She said she didn’t want anything in particular so I told her what the deal was for our entire store and she was very intriggued. She thanked me for letting her know, I reassured it wasn’t a big deal and exchanged names. Then my manager called me to help out clear the cash line.

I looked at the time and it was 5 to closing time.

Customer:

When I came back, the

• denim table/bar

• shirts on all three tables

• thin, soft material tank tops had been all unfolded in the span of 3 minutes that I was gone. I then realised, she had just gone into the fitting room not too long ago. Oy vey....

Worst part..

She was the only customer left in the store.