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[hercoconuts]

12 Dec 2021

It’s not that I don’t care about life, it’s just that I don’t care about my life.

I mean, I do enough to want to learn and socialize at a bare minimum, and I want to graduate college and have deep conversations with people. I also want to travel and do my hobbies.

I just want to be a mom. That’s literally all I want is to be that and have a big family of kids I adopt. Maybe move to Norway. Teach teenage kids philosophy and politics. Make my kids breakfast and talk to them about the world.

But my life? Like right now? I just don’t feel in control of anything. Free will or not, I don’t feel free.

[hercoconuts]

[hercoconuts]

*plays Communist music*

[hercoconuts]

Hebrew word of the day:

Tzedek

People who are in accordance with God’s will;

Attribute of God;

God’s judgement.

[hercoconuts]

08 Dec 2021

GUYS. I HAVE ONE MORE FINAL. My first final was for my upper undergrad politics class. It was 5 essay questions, and it took me 3 hours and 48 minutes. My second final was a portfolio of all my quizzes and projects with written statements for each for my Ecology class. My third final was an interview and short self-assessment for my philosophy class. My final essay tomorrow is for my Criminology class, and I am so ready to just be DONE.

I am getting more hours at work and might consider a second job, but I have to see how I can fit that in with my first one.

As for other things going on in my life, I am no longer vegan. I have started incorporating eggs back into my diet, but I refuse to eat dairy or meat. They just don’t appeal to me. I have been vegan since 2016 and I do not regret my choice in adding eggs.

The café down the street attached to my work has made me salt-free items to purchase, and I bought some gluten free vegan flatbread, hummus, and chocolate pudding.

Dinner recipe (?):

2 slices of flatbread toasted

Tomato paste mixed with herbs de Provence and drops of liquid smoke

*spread the paste on the flatbread*

Poach 2 eggs and put eggs on top of flatbread

Voilà!

[hercoconuts]

I hope next year I won’t be alone for those days.

Chanukah foods from around the world

[hercoconuts]

much like the way the Italians exported pizza and the Americans ruined/perfected it for the Italians to import it back again and then re-export the “authentic” product back to America, so the British took tea from Asia and ruined/perfected it by adding milk and sugar then Asia took that and ruined/perfected it by adding tapioca bubbles and even more sugar and exported it back again.

[hercoconuts]

I love how both corvids and parrots are in general highly intelligent, but where corvids generally have strict hierarchies, solve disagreements in the pecking order by fighting, and have a strong dislike for anything new or foreign until they figure out how to make use of it, parrots are just here to party.

The New Caledonian crow, who knows how to specifically build a tool in order to build another tool, never engages in play. These motherfuckers are smarter than some people with the right to vote, and they are Extremely Serious Birds. They don’t have time to play, they got work to do and kids to raise.

And then there’s the kea, straight-up titled “clown of the mountains”, that has a specific vocalization for “playtime!”. Scientists decided to try what happens if they play the Play Call for two fully-grown adult keas that are together in an area and can clearly see there is no other, third kea to make the call, and they just go “great idea, disembodied voice! it’s TIME TO FUCKING PARTY!” and start wrestling.

Imagine working really hard in order to make it into a top university to study astrophysics, making it to your first Very Serious Class, sitting down full of serious determination, and the dude next to you is taking notes without using his hands, with a glitter pen he’s shoved up his nose. And his notes are good.

[hercoconuts]

03 Dec 2021

I don’t claim to be smart. I don’t claim to understand things that I wish I did.

I try, though. I read the news, I listen to podcasts, I talk to people, I read books. Sometimes I write, sometimes I listen to lectures, and sometimes I don’t do anything.

I am a full time upper undergraduate student majoring in Political Science, and I work full time at a climbing gym. I don’t have friends nearby, and I am the worst at keeping in touch.

My French is terrible, I always forget something, my attention span is embarrassing, and I can barely do multiplication. On top of this, I am almost always sad.

Except despite these things, I love life. Am I a lonely college student who spends a majority of my money on food and other people? Absolutely. Do I consume way too much caffeine and not sleep enough? Don’t @ me.

Wherever you are at life, at whatever pace you are going, just make sure you are doing at least one thing that makes every day enjoyable.

Now I need to go write this paper due tonight. Good luck on finals week.

[hercoconuts]

not all of it is bad i think….…. we are going to be okay i think.

[hercoconuts]

28 Nov 2021

Happy Hanukkah! Day one of my first Hanukkah in the year of my conversion process. One side of my family comes from a line of Ashkenazi Jews, but as it happens, people separated and married into other religions.

My family is unaware of my intention to convert, so I will be attending Christmas with them this year and most likely many more.

Either way, I would like to say Chag Urim Sameach! This month has been incredibly busy and stressful. Finals are in 2 weeks, and I have many projects to submit. I finished a 10 page paper on Friday and got 350/350. My birthday was on the 21st, but I worked three shifts that day.

My classes are set for next term, and let’s say I am going to be pulling my hair out for the next few months.

Wishing myself luck for the New Year.

[hercoconuts]

06 Nov 2021

I had a three hour drive to my mom’s, and during my drive I turned on some lectures. One of those lectures went into depth about existence versus living.

You know, many of us go onto higher education and we study and study and study.. we switch majors, we pick minors, we eat the same foods at the same places, and we often find ourselves having these routines down that make life seemingly easier;

As a political science student, I am not like the ones interested in the history of politics or why once thriving institutions collapsed. I am not interested in picking and choosing between theories, debating current events, or stepping forward in my community as a leader.

I have no interest in being a politician or a lawyer or working overseas with the UN. Political science is so much more than just the rich history of politics and the current institutions in place that guide humanity in whatever moral or immoral way they see fit—democracy be damned for some.

Politics are not about living, they are about giving people the chance to exist.

Do we give people the chance to eat? Do we give people safety? Do we give people space to live? Do we give people opportunities to make the means required to survive?

I have my answers to those questions, and they are more than one worded answers.

Anyways, I have attached the lecture below. Don’t be discouraged from listening to it because it is Jewish and maybe you are not. It is an excellent lecture, even for the atheist.

[hercoconuts]

4 Nov 2021

I finished my last midterm in more than 3 hours this morning. It was 5 short essay questions, and my final grade was 94/100. Forgot to check my spelling before hitting submit.

The aftermath consisted of me sending an email to my professor practically begging for full credit on a late assignment due at midnight while unconsciously bitching about my classmates not working as hard as me. Yes, I do realize that is not a nice thing to do. The passive aggressive response of my professor was noted, and I sent an apology back since I began to overthink about how rude I sounded and I hate to imagine people disliking me for any reason. That is one of my biggest flaws. She responded again with a relieving message, basically saying she understand how stressed everything is and to hang in there.

I recovered from this week’s burnout by going home to shower before making my way to the grocery store for makeup wipes and fruit. A couple hours before work, I managed my stress by sloth-ing my way through a series of climbs at the rock gym. By the time I got home at 6pm, I was running on coffee and kombucha.

The rest of the night consisted of me shoving fruit and some salad into my face while watching Freedom Writers. Around 8pm I texted my bestfriend in a fit of anxiety asking her if she thought my email to my professor sounded bitchy, and like the kind bestfriend she is, her response was: “OMG NOOO!”

To ease myself into sleeping, I scrolled through political memes and triple checked my email before finishing Freedom Writers and passing out.

[hercoconuts]

if you want to know how bad marriage is hitler killed himself after less then 40 hours of being married 

[hercoconuts]

[hercoconuts]

01 Nov 2021

On the days where I can barely get up—laying under the covers wondering what the point is—today was the day I had prayed and hoped for during those darkest days. Today was the rising sun, my time for purpose, my hour of light.

Except today was nothing special, but it was different. Different in no way specific, but unique. I can't explain how hitting snooze at 6am was anything new for me, nor was waking up an hour later and thinking, "well fuck, I did it again." There was nothing significant to the way the barista poured my coffee, but we talked more than usual. Maybe that was it? Or maybe it was how I broke off my usual routine by going home at 10:30am and going for a run? And then I did adult things like scheduling appointments. By 1pm I was showered and running on 2 cups of coffee, a can of coconut water, and conversations between strangers. Something was happening...something good?

My first day on the job started at 4pm, and the whole time I felt like I was bursting with energy and positivity. It was almost unnerving, and by 5:45pm I was choosing between rock climbing at the gym or walking home to eat actual food. My stomach won, and so I went home and I didn't...spend money on food? And I didn't eat...a lot? I don't know how to feel, because this feeling of accomplishment and happiness??? it's confusing and kind of scary. I don't want to lose this feeling...

One of my midterms is due tomorrow before midnight. I wish myself good luck.

xx M