heretic-incarnate

[heretic-incarnate]

[heretic-incarnate]

Medically accurate animation of the skull and brain anatomy

[heretic-incarnate]

I come here to write about things that I'd like to throw back into the universe and if I ever find it again, so be it.

So much to celebrate in the last decade. I dreamt it, I wanted it and I went after it. People lost, some found and some deteriorated and hanging on by a thread.

It is a heartbreaking thing to choose a path and leave those who choose a different path behind but, I don't think you chose a path at all. I've had some time to think about what THIS looks like and it's a sad realization to think that one person makes all the effort and the other one does not. It's even sadder to think that the one person I hold so close to my heart is the only person who will never come to my aid when I need it, never reply to my messages or even answer my calls even though you use your phone faithfully when you're with me.

One sided.

Rescuing you, taking care of you, taking you places, it's all felt very one sided. Inspite of the chaotic life I live, I am at your beck and call but you won't do the same for me.

I hang onto memories we made in the last 5 years or so. My wedding day always comes to mind. I was so excited that you came out but on the one day that was so special to me, the only thing I remember most is how much you complained about the food, the weather and our obligations for the day. You bitched and whined in spite of being in a place so different than what you're used to and instead of making me feel special on the one day that I needed it, on the one day that I was hoping you would put me first instead of the other way around, you complained and made me worry about you. You're negativity created anxiety in me on one of the most important day of my life and to this day, I can't forget it. I feel bad about disappointing you on a day that I had looked forward to my entire life.

I'm so tired of hearing your plans about accomplishing big things because that's as far as any of it goes. They are plans and they never progress farther than that.

I'm tired of you meeting people who have been poisonous for your state of mind and convinced you that you are ridden with limitations instead of ambitions and I don't approve of the path you're on now but I am at peace with it because it's time for me to stop enabling this sad excuse for a relationship.

I deserve better than being ignored by text, by call and by any simple request I've made to sit down and have a coffee with you. I deserve better and I wanted to write this down to organize how the last year's have been. In spite of the changes, inspite of the time, inspite of life and of death, I've always made time for you but you haven't shown me the same courtesy.

If you love someone, let them go and if they are meant to come back to you they will, but that doesn't mean that I'll be here.

[heretic-incarnate]

Remember always that the people you've encountered in your past are part of you. They live in your thoughts, they take up room in your memories and you lose that part of yourself when they are gone.

This morning, I received news that someone I looked up to a very long time ago had passed away. We had not been in contact, we had not spoken for many years but the news of him being gone made an empty space in me. He lived his life and I lived mine for all these years but I still felt sadness when I heard about his passing.

One year ago, I read that he was alive and well. He was enjoying a drink, making meaningful conversation with a mutual friend and today, everything he could have been had now ended. I respected him immensely, I looked up to him and wanted to be like him. He was funny, intelligent, witty and the sort of teacher any classroom would be lucky to have.

D, for the time we shared the same moment, the same spaces with the same people, a part of me has left this world with you. Rest well, rest easy.

[heretic-incarnate]

My Dad passed since I wrote this post. I don't feel the way I did about him when he was alive. I miss him very much. For you who read this, you don't understand how much a person means to your reality until they've left it. You can comprehend the little things that this person holds together in the small picture so that you can enjoy living in the big one. No matter how jagged your relationship with a parent is, tell them you love them and treasure their ability to respond to your words now because they won't do it when they're dust again.

Dear Dad

I can’t seem to understand what the fuck you’re trying to numb yourself to. You have a family who loves you and a beautiful home as well as a life full of potential and yet you chose your drink over the people who love you most. It’s so hard for me to say I even know you anymore because I haven’t known you for years now. I can’t remember the last time we actually had a conversation because I can’t remember the last sober image of you. The person who used to care and used to look out for me is dead and gone. He has no heart, he has no soul. He doesn’t know who I am anymore. I go through more at home than I do outside in the real world. I thought I should be afraid of the world but the person who scares me the most is the same person I have to call dad. I don’t know what you’re fighting, you left your demons and traveled half way around the world to be happy with us and yet it seems like we’re just furniture in your life, you have a wife who tends to your every need and children who have no father to recognize and be there when he needs to be. I wish I could say I’m angry but really I’m just heartbroken that you won’t change for your children. You’re destroying your health and you have no regard for your body or your family. So what else is there to say, the damage has been done but you’ll never know because you never want to listen. I can’t imagine living this way for very long, either you change or I change. Me changing would mean turning off any sense of care I have for you but if you can’t seem to care about me or who I am striving to become I can definitely return the favour because this love is toxic, frustrating and exhausting. I’ve lost you but you have to find yourself and realize the people who love you are not the people who are trying to destroy you, it’s your vices. Wake up and realize what’s important for once before everything you love slips away… more importantly, everyone you love slips away.

[heretic-incarnate]

The Batmobile is likely uninsured.

[heretic-incarnate]

I feel your breath crawl onto my skin as you wrap your arms around me.

The low light finds your unravelling skin as it unwinds to my wishes.

I find your waist and pull you closer as I paint the story of the night sky in your seductive stare.

Our lips meet faithfully and certainly as we find the edge of the bedside.

Our bodies make warmth and friction as we've shed anything that gets in between.

I throw you down and trail kisses down your neck as you beg and moan softly and make crumples in the peaceful sheets.

Ecstacy on your lips, as you melt into me, a slave to my every desire. My hands are livid, my heart is racing, your body is mangled with desire. You shake and move in the low light, trembling, sweating, breathing, falling, wanting, begging, over and over and over again. Finally, in the orange glow of the sunset, under the sheets, lying in wake and sincerely vulnerable. The sweet taste of your lips are transient. Immense. Memorable. A dream I will never wake from.

[heretic-incarnate]

The air feels so thick when my feet marry the grass. No matter how many times I've been here, I feel endlessly lost and desperately empty.

Such a meaningful existence reduced to empty conversations.

The insufferable banter of people who tell you they understand but know very little about what it feels like to die and have to carry on living everyday.

The abandoned feeling of knowing that I can talk to you but that you can never respond to me.

The endless ache of the morning we all found out that lives inside of me and resurfaces on the days that I am fractured beyond repair.

The end and the beginning, always ending.

[heretic-incarnate]

Calsonic Nissan Skyline GT-R (R32)

Images by Dominykas Liberis

[heretic-incarnate]

A place to grieve, I never thought. Lack of silence, voices, demands, asks and familiar faces. Days go on, time flows through every minutes and fading moments and a wave is swelling in my chest. Desperate for time to open a door, unwritten questions that will meet no tongue.

Where are you and why did you go there? My thoughts. My concerns. My perpetual sadness begging for patience against the tendency of the present unfolding.

Find me. I am lost, like you in this purgatory. Death is my friend but also my lover and every kiss brings me closer to an ending, neverending.

[heretic-incarnate]

In a decade I will mean the worst, I will lose my sight, lay in the dirt, These endless nights of thinking will end, When my body and soul cannot mend.

My friends and my wishes will fall off my tongue, My dreams and my hopes I painted so young, And where will I roam when the feeling is lost, The difference between knowing I’m home.

[heretic-incarnate]

The biggest reason for letting you go is that you wouldn't even realize I left.

[heretic-incarnate]

Love and Death.

Imagine love was a self destruct mechanism. Imagine a reality where the biological architecture of a woman is a concave chest and the bio-arch of a man is heart that sits outside his chest. Every person is born with a lining of poison in their chest. When you meet the man or woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, you engage in an embrace in which the man's beating heart, fits into the woman's concave chest and the lining bursts, sending the two lovers bound together forever out of their natural body. In love and death, they perish but they feel the height of their emotion and theres no slow burn. They chose to feel love and fall into in with each other forever and always.

[heretic-incarnate]

The morning sun drew the blinds and colored the floor with its gentle glow. He woke, not particularly ready for the day ahead but prepared to read what the day had yet to write. Dragging his feet, he systematically went through his morning and set off for his commute to work as the coffee inside him turned the rust from his bones, to gold. "It'll turn out", he mumbled as the train flew onto the bridge above him and rattled the city's bones. He married the flow of hasted souls up the stairway and waited for his train. A man in love with beautiful details, he drew out the shapes that littered the empty parts of the platform and compared his commute to that of the light coming from world away to light up his morning.

The train appeared in the distance and he shuffled through his bag and pulled up his earphones as the wind from the moving train tested his faithful stance. The doors open and he finds a seat with little hesitation. A window across from him with a generous view of the city looked back at him and promised to keep him still on his way to work. He closed his eyes for a moment and felt the train jerk forward as it took off into the morning. He opened his eyes and much like a painting, there she sat. The light melted on her skin, breathtaking hues of blue and purple surrounded her as light from the sun bounced around the inside of the slowly moving train. His chest lit up and in that moment, he fell into a thousand dimensions, gladly lost.

As the train moved through time and space, he took to his feet, extended his hand to her and said softly, "Melt into me". She built a bridge into his eyes, melted into his hands and in a single embrace both souls, on contact, sparked an explosion, two hearts, two souls, two particles reduced to nothing and everything all at once.

Bound forever. Forever bound.

[heretic-incarnate]

To, Myself.

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Today, the house was quiet. The wind was singing and dancing through the trees and I felt like contacting my older self. This song is a reminder to myself of who I really am and my hope is that one day, I sink into THIS self because it makes me happy.

[heretic-incarnate]

I am, therefore I breathe.

I am, therefore I die.

I fear, therefore I sink.

I, ghost, forever in hallways.

[heretic-incarnate]

Life Goals:

1. I'd like to take a day off without people asking me why, and what my intentions are for the time I've taken off to retain my sanity.

How ironic.