hiccup0heartache

[hiccup0heartache]

I can’t sleep well anymore. I don’t think there’s been a night where I haven’t woken up tired. Mostly because most of my nights are spent taking a slow and delirious step down the continuous spiral that is my train of thoughts. I don’t think there’s been a night where I haven’t cried and I’m so very tired. I feel as if everything is collapsing upon me and slowly but surely my collective will is being chipped at. I’ve become so very tired, it’s become a constant in my life. It almost works in tandem with the pain I feel everyday, my ribcage has gotten worse. It festers and pulses with a dull pain that crescendos into a deep wound I feel thrumming in my chest that not even rest can soothe. An Overbearing and constant weight burrowing into my chest that I can do nothing but endure. I’ve stopped binding cause of it, the pain gets to be too much. So my dysphoria’s unfortunately at an all time high. I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore,I’ve been off Testosterone for a while so the fat has returned to my jaw and hips. It takes everything in me not to claw at the face that is not my own, to poke and prod at every curve and inch of my flesh that taunts me in the glass. I miss being important to someone, I ache for the familiar feeling of soft gentle voices and warm touches that no longer heat my icy skin. I yearn to be seen, unabashedly vulnerable, yet still cared for regardless of how matted and mangled the visage may seem. To be desired is but a dampener to the aches I feel, though it brings temporary comfort it tends to take more than it gives. I want to be loved, it’s human to want that, and I know I don’t have a shortage of paternal or platonic affection. I am cared for deeply by my people, which is many of the reasons I’m still walking today. But sometimes I fear people will only desire me, mostly when it’s late at night, along with all the other horrid little thoughts that fester inside my head. It’s not long before I slip a little and start to think about how restfully I’d sleep if I never woke up. I mean it feels like the very nation I live in wants to stomp me out of existence. Sometimes there’s a quiet little voice in the back of my head tells me death would be easier than this and maybe it’s right. But a want to live, I want to experience everything this place has to give me but I feel like I’m pulled taught by two strings. I’m so exhausted, everyday is trying to look for “the good moments” and clinging onto the only things that I can distract myself long enough to prevent a breakdown because everything is scary right now and I’m not sure how long I can keep fighting. I climb into bed every night and I try to never let the heaves or sobs get past my throat. The hiccups and croaks that crawl their way out only serve to mock me as I return to my nightly descent, in the vain hopes that tomorrow maybe I can wake up a little less drained if all the tears can wash away the pain and pressure this world aims to crush me under. Maybe I can one day wake up and just feel rested, if I keep fighting just one more night. But I always wake up restless and aching with the same dull burrow in my chest. Sometimes I can’t feel if it’s my heart or my ribs.

[hiccup0heartache]

I’m invested, weird brothers friend AND big bro? I’m sat no questions asked

allow me to cook little bc ive been thinking thoughts since your last obsessed little brother post and im in the mood to put them down for you

big brother finds himself a new person to date - bc of course he does, its not clicked for him yet that hes meant to be with his little brother, in spite of how hard his poor little brother is trying - and little brother thinks, well, this should be easy, right? got rid of the last one with a fool proof plan; should be the easiest thing to make him drop this one too, to recycle his methods; and when big brother brings him along on a date hes too excited about getting rid of another one to even scowl at the way they hold hands, or snap when big brothers new s/o asks if he wants their prize tickets, they can never decide on what they want

the plan is of course flawless; wait for them outside the bathroom, hiss every mean accusation about them not being good enough for big brother he can think of, grab them by the pockets of their dress to pull them into a mean kiss-

except this one doesnt slap him. doesnt fight his grip or pull away. they press into the kiss, push their tongue into his mouth, grip his face in their hands when he tries to recoil and murmurs against his lips

'what, you dont like the taste of your big brother? come on, sweetheart, let me feed it to you again. poor neglected thing; i know what you really want, and its not to waste time bitching at me. be a good boy and i might let you have it'

the kisses are confusing but they wont let him pull away, grip too firm on his cheeks, swallowing his whimpers as he tries to protest about his first proper kiss being stolen, about how he was saving it for his brother, not them- only the whining changes because its good, and his pushing hands become desperate, slipping tentatively under skirt hems until their approving little hums have little brother shaking at the wordless praise-

and they finally break it, and use their thumb to wipe the sticky traces of gloss from little brothers lips, though theres nothing to be done about the swelling

'im going to reapply. and youre going to be a good boy, and keep this as our little secret, because if you do, ill help you get your big brother to look at you the way he looks at me. but little brothers who misbehave get nothing; so wash your face, sweetheart, and ill see you outside with your brother in a minute, and well get you that prize youre so desperate for, hm?'

little brother needs... a minute, to recover from whatever the fuck just happened. all he really knows is they promised hed get what he wants; and a lost first kiss doesnt seem so bad if hell have his brother in the end

after all; its not like theyre going to want more from him, is it?

(1/?)

-☆

(1/?) HELLO OMG?? START A SERIES IM

HOLY FUCK THIS WAS SO GOOD PLEASE

THIS IS HOW YOU HANDLE POSSESSIVE AND CLINGY AND JEALOUS LITTLE BROTHRRS HHHHHHH

Fuckin aye this is so good I’m entranced I’m obsessed I’m needing MORE 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

If you wanna fuck my big brother this is how you gotta handle me tbh >.>

[hiccup0heartache]

Bloods so pretty

[hiccup0heartache]

I JUST WANNA WEAR PRETTY LINGERIE AND GET CALLED A HANDSOME BOY IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK FOR???

[hiccup0heartache]

Fuck I miss him so much why do I miss him so much

[hiccup0heartache]