hmmmars

[hmmmars]

i can’t find comfort in anything anymore, i just cling onto words people around me say and act like i actually believe them. i’m nothing without reassurance, my hobby’s seem cold and exhausting and i don’t want to participate in the world anymore. i shut off my brain too many times and disconnected from the world, i’m scared this time there is no turning back.

[hmmmars]

my whole childhood i believed that august is the end of summer. it’s when summer break ends and school starts again. the nights get shorter again and you don’t have an excuse to stay up late anymore.

summer will always be my favorite season of the year, despite me complaining of the heat every day. right now i look out of the window and see a blue sky, sunny walls of the apartment block i live in and green leaves. i hear children play and some old people’s conversation while they sit on two different balcony’s. some sundays i heard one of my neighbors listen to loud pop music in the morning.

august is ending soon and it still doesn’t feel like summer is gone. maybe it’s the climate change that makes the world hotter, maybe it’s because i’m an adult now, with a full time job and only one week of vacation i spend at home.

i still get the summer bliss, but it’s different now. it used to be being exited to go outside everyday, go on vacation, visit the sea. now it’s about not freezing while going to work, still meeting the sun after a long shift and having an open window while falling asleep exhausted.

this big thing you looked forward to your entire childhood turns into a small, melancholic feeling. how many things do i have to let go in order to grow older?

[hmmmars]

i was often afraid that i’m obsessive. when i find an new interest it has to be mine, sharing is only fine when the other person isn’t as much into it as i am. this doesn’t apply when i’m getting “obsessive” over another person. the more they give me the feeling of not being enough, for not seeing me as the one person for them as i see them for me, i break. i get obsessed over the painful feelings when i look through their twitter and see them being way nicer to another person that isn’t me. i get obsessed over every single word they say to me and cling onto them like they might be the last words they will ever speak. i want to spend every second with them, share my thoughts and feelings, but i get worse when they don’t want to do the same for me. i create this whole perfect image of a person i never talked to and obsess over fantasy’s that will never happen. at this point, it’s not the person i’m obsessed with, but the already lacking attention i get. maybe this might be a form of s*lf h@rm and i’m not feeling obsession but the need to be seen and heard. i wish i wouldn’t be so lonely.