homeschoolvibes

[homeschoolvibes]

I appreciate this immensely. Thank you.

ways i have tricked people into thinking i am competent:

bought a really nice looking fountain pen

that sounds like a joke but fountain pens are cheap as shit and when you use one people look at you like you’re a fucking wizard

this hero 901 cost me $3 on ebay and i don’t know why people assume that this is a pen for intelligent people but they do

it works better when i am using a nice notebook and not the avengers notebook that makes it look like the hulk is grabbing my sweet pen

i write in code which for some reason leads everyone to assume that i am some kind of da vinci motherfucker, instead of the reality, which is that i am writing about dicks and don’t want anyone to know

it looks like i am constantly taking notes on everything which is both intimidating and inaccurate, just the way i like it

i bought a usb clicker/laser pointer for $11 and now it seems like i’ve got this shit on lock, like i am so pro at giving presentations i even own accessories

holding a clicker makes you seem at least 10% more like you know what you’re talking about i’m pretty sure

i check the weekly freebies on creativemarket every monday so now i have a huge folder of pro-looking website themes and powerpoint templates and fill-in-the-blank resumes (also a lot of autumnal clipart and watercolor flowers and script fonts but that is less relevant)

i bought a ceramic coffee mug at world market years ago and it makes me look like a productive coffee-drinker because no one knows it’s full of hot cocoa

i don’t know why drinking coffee makes you look busy it just does even though i’m pretty sure it statistically reduces productivity

bonus: not only does no one know i’m just drinking Depression Chocolate but they think i am being Environmentally Conscious rather than Poor As Shit

extra bonus: i can take a sip whenever it looks like someone is going to ask a question and then they ask someone else

i almost never have to answer questions and i leave the room a lot because i have to pee constantly so double extra bonus

“That’s a very good question, and one that deserves an in-depth answer, so if you’d like to leave me your card I’d be happy to discuss it with you later one-on-one” aka “how DARE you suggest i waste everyone’s time answering this question right now” aka “lmfao i have no fucking clue what you just said please let me secretly google that okay”

bonus: now it seems like you are a sophisticated grownup who assumes everyone has A Card and if they have to settle for writing their email on a scrap of paper you can feel smug about it even though in your heart you know that you are no better

i’ve got anxiety and poor impulse control and anxiety about my poor impulse control so i generally say jack shit about shit and this constant silence is often misinterpreted as aloof observation

no one knows that my air of mystery is actually a bad case of the shy and i am too shy to correct them so it works out

when i’m on my laptop and i don’t want anyone to notice how much i’m dicking around i turn the brightness way down so they can’t snoop without being obvious

at least one window of notepad++ with some random html page or css stylesheet in it makes randos assume you are some kind of genius doing some genius shit, unless they are CS major randos, in which case i guess find an intimidating looking excel spreadsheet and hope for the best

[homeschoolvibes]

Dear J’goro,

I’m learning more about boundaries. 

I understand this is a huge change, a lengthy process beyond my feeble imagining. However, I also understand that the more I attempt to grasp the concept, the closer I will come to actually doing so. I will be able to finally define the majority of my boundaries, and therefore understand myself better as a person.

I’ve begun putting up boundaries in places they were not before, and an interesting side effect has occurred. I will elaborate on that later. 

For instance, there’s someone in my history who’s hurt my feelings so badly that I recall the date and time she did it. It ruined my day and, honestly, had me crying intermittently for weeks afterward. Imagine how I felt when I saw her show up at my campus. Of all available colleges, why this one? A myriad of emotions suddenly erupt from whatever depthless ravine they’re stored in within me. Hurt, anger, but fear over them all. I find myself subconsciously walking way out of my path to avoid her, feeling negative and scared for hours afterward, paranoid. Jumpy.

I tried erecting a boundary for myself. There’s a knowledge that this is public space. If she tries to hurt me again, it will be in front of many, many people, most of whom I know. This is my territory. She’s seen me assist in the hosting of her induction to the campus! She knows, absolutely, that I am here. If she’s showing herself, she must have come to peace with the fact that we need to coexist. I don’t only not need to succumb to my fearful familiarity; I just need to treat her as if she were anyone else.

I do have this pulling urge to “make things right”, see “if things are better now”, “apologize”, but I did absolutely nothing to cause her to act as she did. There is no recovery without her initiation, and she wants to sit there like a b*tch and attempt to match the beauty of every human around when she herself is a seething pile of venom, hatred, and self-loathing.

The point is, I learned to deal with it. I walked by her today, within feet, and ignored. Paid no attention. This is the way it will have to be until she changes it.

Another was a coworker. I care about him very much, maybe too much for my own good. You can imagine, J’goro, how difficult it was for me to admit he’d humiliated me, and notify him directly.

It wasn’t a big deal, it was the setting. Someone humiliating you in front of your friends (I won’t go into detail, as the memory of unpleasant things is hardly worthy of elaboration,) is alright, but in front of a new group is something I’m not comfortable with. I set a boundary with him as well, using an “I feel” statement, as I was told to do.

I felt like a child, telling him. If it had been in person, I might have cried. I almost did through the voice message. It’s silly, I know- I just... really have a certain care for people, their emotions, that I can’t always handle. If he were to be angry, or worse, saddened by the revelation, it would have been worse on me than it would have been just taking the hit. This is the ultimate empathy. It’s more of a curse than a blessing, but I suppose that depends on how it’s used. 

I may seem alien in the way I write, think, and act, but I wasn’t raised in the same social environment most people were. I was destined to be a little more than eccentric.

I will not change that aspect. It’s a part of me. However, I will learn how to deal with it properly.

Sincerely,

-K.C.

[homeschoolvibes]

Dear J’goro,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been prepping for midterms at college. I have a free therapy session tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it. I’m doing alright in my calculus class, but keeping up with the Honors portion is honestly pretty tough.

It’s hard not to let myself get wrapped up in academics. It just seems that, the moment I stop, I break down. I don’t mean to sound edgy or strange, of course. I’ve been taking steps to being healthy in most ways; spending time with my nuclear family, making new friends, fostering and feeding into relationships, and keeping healthy boundaries. I don’t feel sad; there’s no reason for me to be.

Still, I’m in a constant state of being overwhelmed. It might be procrastination, anxiety, anxiety or anxiety. 3/4 chance it’s anxiety, the condition probably not based on anything I can cognitively process.

Here’s what’s going on academically. Warning, the pile may stress you out.

Short-term: 

- File Honors by Contract forms, which are weeks late because my professors took over a week to respond, and by the time they did, I was too busy to do anything about it. At least, that’s what I tell myself. 

- Start Honors math assignment, due in two (2) months. 

- Schedule every due date in my calendar, planning ahead reasonably around trips and projected busy times so I don’t overexert myself.

-Midterm study for National Government. Apparently, the course mirrors the AP course in most high schools, and it’s accelerated; a session 4.

- Midterm study for World Religion, a much chiller course, but still with honors and session 4.

Long-term: 

- Be sponsored by someone rich enough to pay for my education

- Learn much better reading, writing, communication, teaching, public speaking and leadership skills

- Score a 1500+ on the SAT (first score 1330, essay horrible)

- Apply to Princeton, Stanford and UF before March 1st. 

- Graduate with Honors in the spring.

- Achieve a 3.9 GPA (this is tangible)

- Find out what the hell I’m gonna do in life, I love so many areas of study that I may not be happy conforming to only one. Any biology, geology, chemistry and public speaking are strongsuits, along with English, and literally any math or physics. I love it all. I could be a birdwatcher and enjoy it if the pay was enough. I also love teaching. I want to live many times.

- Get my Doctorate from a top-tier college, something in the top five universities. Princeton is #5, Stanford varies between #2-3. 

This doesn’t even begin to describe the amount of things that are on my mind, J’goro. Procrastination is my enemy, but even more so are my very lacking social skills, understanding of the world, and self esteem. I am a shell. I’m the definition of the phrase “fake it ‘till you make it”.

I’ll make it, though, J’goro. If there’s one thing I believe in, almost as much as my faith in Jesus Christ, I know this is going to turn out good for me.

“The Road goes ever on and on, Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.”

                                                                     J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, "A Long-expected Party" 

[homeschoolvibes]

Dear J’goro,

A classmate I really look up to told me today that I offend - no, that I hurt people I meet often. She said it’s in the things that I say. I don’t mean to hurt people. She told me not to take it badly, and it’s true that I didn’t harbor any grievance against her, but... You know, I’m constantly attempting to be self-aware, trying to improve, and I thought I had targeted the “rudeness” problem and discarded it. Now it’s come back all over again, and it’s so f*cking bad even a coworker/classmate had to tell me privately.

I’m not a bad person, and I don’t try to be rude. I’m like an alien to them; they don’t know what to think of me, and therefore can neither relate nor form a bond with me. The funny part about this is that the others, most of the confident people I meet, they tell me how I should “accept” and “just be” myself. How am I supposed to do that when me is just so. . .  unadjusted? 

Sincerely Yours,

K.C.

[homeschoolvibes]

Dear J’goro,

I guess I should tell you where I come from, and how I arrived at where I am today. Well, here’s the gist: 

My name is... well, since there are potential readers here, I suppose you can call me K. I go by that usually, anyway, so no trouble there. I’ve just turned 20 years old, and go to college regularly. I’ve got blonde hair, blue eyes, and a seemingly bright and bubbly attitude-- but things aren’t all that they seem. My origins describe how I got here, and, my dear J’goro, I’m certain you’d take interest.

Academically, I took regular classes at normal schools until about third grade. Competition triggered an anxiety in me that, as a nine-year-old, I didn’t know how to balance. This paired with what was probably the result of me being dropped as a child, it induced epileptic seizures in me. These, seared into my memory, were the reason I got pulled out of school. From then on, I was homeschooled. 

I reached 9th grade and realized I couldn’t learn algebra on my own, so a family friend helped me to pass the entry exam for a nearby community college. With those credits, I dual-enrolled and graduated in 2018. My college began in 2016, and it’s nearly 2020 as I’m writing to you. So, I guess you can see the overlap.

My ultimate goal is to get somewhere prestigious- Princeton, or Stanford, and achieve a doctorate in Biological Engineering. I would feel fulfilled.

Socially, I didn’t get much. My parents, I know they tried, but I started out as a very needy kid. I don’t like thinking of myself back then. I was like a rabid animal, starved for attention. It only stopped when I was 14, maybe 15 - when I got the internet. Coincidence? Maybe. 

I had very few friends. I wasn’t bad, I guess, just very needy, and twice as awkward. I didn’t trust people -- it was almost bred into my nature, and still is. I spent my life being told what I should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, I know we all do, but the zealousness I had for my parents’ approval, for “doing the right thing”, you might call it irrational. I lived for it. I still do, and it’s something I’m trying to change.

I never found out who I was. I didn’t get hurt by people enough to find the good few that remained. I never took chances that I thought I wanted to take, because... I wasn’t, I still am not, sure they’re things I want to do. 

Life is so confusing, J’goro, but I’m sure that with more interaction, and in good time, I will be able to find my way. 

Sincerely Yours,

K.C.

[homeschoolvibes]

Dear J’goro,

I had the idea that, maybe, I should try writing about... well, not about my problems, but giving you a view into my everyday, and how I deal with it. The mind of a homeschooler isn’t something everyone can understand, and if so, not fully; even then, not simply.

Of course, I don’t speak for every homeschooler. Everyone experiences things differently-- life, love, death, and the like; I just want to be able to quantify my own experiences.

I don’t want it to be one of those really long texts like you may have seen on Tumblr, so I’ll try to practice getting to the point. I assume even diaries - sorry, “journals” (you’re a diary) get tired of hearing their authors ramble.

And, if anyone wants to read along, that’s alright. I hope this gives you some insight into how I, if not we, as homeschoolers, think.

Sincerely Yours,

K.C.