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#21

11-18-17

I am going to try and write everyday but idk how well that will go.

Last night Dev and i hung out and previously in the day she had told me that all of my dad talk was hurting her because of her dad issues. And i didn’t realize and apologized of course and she was totally understanding and knew it was never my intention.

But she literally only stayed for maybe two hours. I think I brought up 1-2 issues i was having with my dad. and maybe that was enough for her to be done wanting to hang out with me. But then she sends me snap chats all night of her alone on her couch watching the Grinch. If we would have just gone to her place at first, i probably never would have mentioned dad. 

I’m not blaming her at all for me mentioning something that hurts her. That sucks and I do not want to hurt her. she is the only thing keeping me alive at the moment! But she also needs to understand that this is now my everyday life, I am dealing with dad issues that i never have before, because my mom is gone. Doesn’t give me an excuse to bitch all the time. But when I get slapped with a nasty comment, or side eye where I just know I’m being judged it hurts. and it happens every day in this house.

EVERYDAY!!! Melisa literally just almost made me cry. She was talking about her night out with dad, and I asked where they went and she said Milford’s but then mention another down town restaurant and I was like “Oh my mom and dad used to go there all the time, but i’ve never been” and she put her hand on mine looked me straight in the face and said “Well it’s not your mom and dad anymore it’s me and your dad” and walked away, then while walking away she sort of mumbled “we’ll take you places” 

I’m sorry that I bring up my mom and my family. But I had a family for 19 years of my life, and i have NEVER lived in Spokane without my mom. We did the intervention between my freshman and sophomore year of college, i was 19. And Pullman was home for me more than Spokane was because I was there 10 months out of the year. 

So yeah i haven’t lived in the same city as my drug addicted alcoholic mom who left us 7.5 years ago. Sorry it’s at my surface, sorry if I mentioned it. But you married a man with two daughters who LOVED their mother. Who never thought in 1million years would break up...so yeah sorry that you have to hear some of those things Melisa, but they are REALITY. You are his second wife, and not the love of his life. The love of his life is dead (inside) and she broke him, so I understand the quickness of you two. But 19 years vs. 4, do the math bitch I had a family way longer than you’ve been in my life. 

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#20

Kiefer. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I've loved you when you were with someone, I've loved you when I was with someone. I loved you when I lived in Spokane, Pullman and California. Kiefer, I love you.

But you are going through so much right now. You are dealing with a possible break up with a girl you live with and have been with for 4 years. That is not just something that goes away. I understand that.

And I would never intentionally try to interfere with your relationship.

But what about that Friday where we spent All Day together and you hugged me in the kitchen way longer than we should have but it didn't matter because it was real and good. The side eyes and smile while you were cooking and we were crying over onions together.

And that Saturday that I came over for breakfast. We smoked a joint in bed, you were naked and covered up and I sat on the blanket but close enough for you to rub my back and my arm could lay on your leg. And then you cooked me breakfast. Then hours later I came over and sat and watched your game for an hour while we smoked and laughed and my leg was wrapped around you for warmth. And my hard was under your hoody because your basement is so damn freezing. How about the ten minute cuddle session in your bed when we entangled ourselves around each other and it was a perfect fit? And I layed there with my head and lips just close enough to your jawline to not over step. Then when I said goodbye I kissed you on the cheek. Three times, each getting closer to your lips, but I didn't want to over step.

We used to snap chat all day everyday since I've been home.

And now you are in this terrible place and I just want to hold you like I did that Saturday and make everything go away. I love you enough to just be your friend right now. But you have to let me.

Unless talking to me hurts you? Does it? Or does it confuse you? Because I don't want you leaving her other than the reason you needed to leave her.

And I want you to come to me because you want to try our love again. I know it's failed in the past. But we aren't in high school anymore, we don't know the adult versions of ourselves... And we will never know until we try. And it's not like it would ruin our friendship. I've gotten over you before.

And I love you too much to lose you. So I'm going to fight like hell to keep you in my life no matter what it takes. I've lost too many important people. You will not be one of them because...

I love you Kiefer.

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#19

‪"There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind."‬

I feel my mind was dealt a huge blow six years ago and I was able to channel it all into school. Now it's finally all sinking in.

I don't have a mom. Nor do I think I ever will again. Can you believe that? Not having a mom as an emotional 25 year old grad student.

Fuck that. Fuck her. She has fucked me up. But I'm fighting back. I won't get lost in the insanity...

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#18

I had the best day. I got to go on a 5mile hike with my sister and brother! Then we chilled and watched the Seahawks win. Good solid quality time with them. 

But they do not get along with the Rents. My father doesn’t respect Nick what so ever, for god knows what reason. And I have no idea what his attitude toward Tarin is but it’s very frustrating.

I feel like I am stuck in the middle. And I know and should stay out of it, that is their relationship with them, doesn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my father. Or at least I try to do that. But when Tarin and Nick are hurt, I hurt. They are genuinely sad that they don’t get along with my dad and M. They try and try and it’s just not good enough.

 It’s so hard to see because I felt like I was betraying my dad by hanging out with my sister! I should not feel that way at all about hanging out with one of the most important people in my life. But I need to start not caring so much what my dad thinks of me. I am an awesome person, I have moved mountains battling severe depression because Hurt’s finish strong.  

I have survived a lot, more than anyone should I think. I am doing the best I can every day, and that is all I can do 

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#17

‪You didn't get to eat or drink at this party you go to and you're still up now drinking, trying to catch up to her. But you can't stay awake past 8pm on every other night. Fuck that, I'm out. I do NOT want this life ‬

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#16

I moved my step-sister into her dorm room this weekend. It was exciting and fun. The look on her face, of wonderment, new beginnings and the most exciting time in her life. I am so happy I was there to witness a day she will never forget. I of course stayed the whole time while HER mother left to fly home to be with her sugar daddy. Yes I know it’s gross to call your own father that, but to her that’s what he sometimes and it’s disgusting. Leaving your own daughter to go be with your new husband. 

This trip also brought up A LOT of emotions about my own relationship with my mother and how my freshman year at WSU was. I remember my parents driving down with me to help me move into my dorm. I remember the tearful goodbye and the “I’ll see you in a week” (we were attending Lindsey’s wedding). 

That was probably the last time we were all truly happy together. It was an exciting time for all of us, I was embarking on what has now turned into a 7 year educational journey that I never dreamed of, and my parents were finally empty nesters.

Well it didn’t go that way, my mom fell deeper into addiction than ever before, my fault for going off to college (according to her). This weekend reminded me that moving into my freshman dorm was the last time I was happy with my parents, it was the last time we were a family, after that she just fell apart right in front of us. 

Mom, I miss you everyday. If you don’t think that I don’t think about you, I do. Sometimes they are hateful thoughts but sometimes every once in awhile I remember who you used to be, the mother that would hold me anytime I wanted to cry, who never called me a drama queen because she knew how sensitive it was. She was my best friend and she chose drugs and alcohol over me 10 months after moving me into my freshman dorm room. That’s all it took was 10 months for her to go from the fun loving mother who I always wanted to be around, to the addict who we had to do an intervention on. 

SO many emotions I can’t even process yet. This one was a hard one. 

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#15

Depression is crying in your bed all alone on a Tuesday afternoon for no reason at all other than the fact that I cannot seem to write my fucking thesis.

Depression is awful, and of course my D days always come at the worst times.

I need help, but I'm doing all that I can. Meds, counseling, attempting to be nicer to myself. It just seems to not be working because I still feel nauseated thinking about writing.

And then I cry. I cry because I'm sad and I shouldn't be. I cry because I just want to be done with this thesis. I cry because I just want the pain to go away.

I cry

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#14

I can't believe this is Brooke's last week here. I am so in love with her and I am going to miss her so much.

She has become my best friend these past six weeks coming home. She's the only who understands fully what I'm going through and I don't want to lose that.

My feelings are valid, but a bit selfish. She has wanted and needed this move for a long time now and I am so excited to see my little sister grow into the amazing woman I know she can be.

This is going to be the best time of her life and I am so excited to see how she blossoms at Seattle U.

Brooke, you have changed my life. You have made me feel love I've never known. I've always been the baby of the family and finally now I get to be a leading example and I hope I am. I don't want you to go but I know you have to. You have to live your own life for you.

Love,

Big sis 💚

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#13

I just want to hold you and make the pain go away like no one did for me. I know I can't take any of the pain from losing him, but I am a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell at if necessary, scream and break down in front of.

I am your big sister and I will always protect you, and reading how you feel about W dying made me so upset because I almost lost you.

I don't ever want you to think I don't know you hurt every day. I know you are just trying to survive the best way you can. What ever way that is I support you and love you with everything that I am.

Love your big sis 💚

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#12

Yes I wanted this post to be a happy one!

"To suffer and learn a lesson, one pays a high price. But a fool can't learn any other way.... If it was easy everyone would do it..." ~Unknown

He had this posted on his Facebook and it really got to me

Jason the Irishman as he will hense forth be called, I met this weekend up at the Hideaway. He made a good point about, if I'm letting my mom go (by not talking to her, or having any working relationship for six years) I have to let go fully in order to become my own self. I can't keep using her as an excuse for what is going on with me. Yes there are many underlying issues that involve her that I still have to deal with, but they are my issues that no one can fix but me!

He was an amazing human being to meet, Jason Mc Yummy is how I'll put it. And yes there is an actual Mc in his full name 🙊

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#11

Today is the first WSU Cougar football game and my little sister is there and I am not. That sucks! I'm so happy she is experiencing the magical Promise Land that is Pullman, Washington.

I miss WSU, and undergrad so much! I miss the person I was, the things I was doing and I especially miss the people I was around.

Cougs always make you feel better. If you're a coug, you're gold in my heart! (Pun intended) 🧀

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#10

"She had a very inconvenient heart. It always insisted on feeling things ever so deeply"~John Mark Green

This explains me so well it's not even funny. I feel everything. And I feel what others are feeling.

I've heard of empaths being real, but I don't know if I would call myself one... Maybe, that would be a cool understanding of what my life has been like so far.

🍃

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#9

Dempsey is my cat child. I have had him for over a year and a half. His 2nd birthday is on September 23rd and I won't be with him, (I will be at Kelsey's wedding) which kinda kills me a bit inside. It kills me because I love you so much Demps. You are my world, you have literally saved my life.

When I had a knife to my wrist and you walked into the room I knew I had something to live for, someone to live for. I wish on some level you were more of a cuddler and wanted to be kissed and snuggled.

But that is what makes you so damn weird and I love it. And it makes the times that we do snuggle and love on each other so much more special. I am so lucky to have found you

💚🐾

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Myself