huh-lets-not - Tumblr blog

[huh-lets-not]

May 17, 2024

im really not doing well and I truly don't really know what to do about it. the mold in my room is just another terrifying weight on top of me. I need to move out but I am also crushed by how much shit I have and I'm paralyzed with anxiety and by my general condition. it's been 3 months now that I've been in this episode, at this point I'm starting to suspect the mold has some effect, but I don't know. I'm scared and I feel so alone and lost. I'm exhausted and don't want to be conscious bcs of the weight of my issues. nothing really feels real. i feel trapped. I'm trying to take action but the lack of motivation is reaching a point of self-sabotage. I keep wondering if I should get hospitalized, but I don't know how the fuck that's going to help.

i have suicidal ideation multiple times a day. I feel numb and detached and it's hard to let emotions get in. I'm terrified by my future, because it seems like I don't have one. I feel incapable of doing any job, I feel incapable and powerless against everything.

[huh-lets-not]

May 12, 2024

I think for a couple years I lived in a gender utopia where wearing dresses and having a beard and being early in my medical transition was so so cool bcs of my group of peers. but now I'm 5 years in and on purpose I kept my tits but still have a beard and not gonna lie! I've been feeling weird about my presentation lately! (body image, weight talk in read more)

my boobs have gotten bigger bcs I gained weight and my stomach has also gotten larger so it helps counterbalance it but im still very much breasting it up out here. and I don't fuck with bras, much less binding. I just feel uncomfortable as fuck in my body bcs of this additional weight (I'm up to like 62kg now, 5 years ago I was +/-50kg). Not to mention the clothing situation.

as ive gotten more disabled, it's made clothing shopping harder to get to. and it means I have a bunch of clothes that I'm obsessed with but that no longer fit me, and I'm not sure if they ever will again! and not much access to new clothes that do fit me! and I kept thinking I'd lose this weight, that things would balance out again in my life, so getting clothes for that and not clothes that were bigger instead. so now I have like 2 shirts I can comfortably wear. summer is gonna be ROUGH.

I could and should be exercising more to help burn fat (and like, regulate my emotions and stuff) but since I just have no desire to do anything at all. I don't. but hey actually, I did go back to walking daily. so at least I have that!!! I'm just not progressing and getting out of this as easily as I thought I'd be able to.

[huh-lets-not]

it is kinda wild that the traits I display when I'm doing well (like being assertive, making decisions, generally being active) are things that really irk some people, even people close to me, and it's just like. so what do you actually like about me? bcs if it's not this part, then it's the depressed and incoherent and scared part that's easy to manipulate and misguide ?? hm I don't think I like that!

[huh-lets-not]

starting to think that maybe 2 months of a depressive episode isn't as "normal" as I thought it might be and that I might actually need some help at this point but any action towards anything feels really scary

[huh-lets-not]

so I figured out one of the reasons I cyclically get depressed is from not having An Activity to do.

I'd figured that out a while ago so I told myself, "okay, I will find An Activity that gets me outside and doing stuff!". but I didn't actually, because the effort of looking for a thing is hard and I was very busy with other things, but then an opportunity came to me, which I did for a while, and then I wasn't able to do anymore bcs my anxiety is too debilitating and I was getting sensory overload and my life is just constantly throwing flaming trash cans at me (admin work, family life, interpersonal relationships, my own mental and physical situation, the whole all of it basically).

ANYWAYS so, picking the pieces back up after, feeling miserable and laying in bed all day and I'm trying to think of Activities. I could go out to a coffee shop every day and read, or hang out in a library, or go to the youth center thing I'm part of! Also going geocaching or just exploring my city with public transportation! Not to mention I have a million hobbies I could work on. But all of it is too scary, energy-consuming, and I feel like I get so little in return. They feel like they'd take a lot of effort and are scary to attempt bcs it seems like it'd take up a lot of my time and I'd be in an unfamiliar place where I might not have access to the things I need to take care of myself! So I'm firstly setting myself up under the false assumption that I'd need to spend my entire day at said thing, and not that I could just go for like 2 hours. Ok so I can reframe it as "an activity I do once or twice a week for 2 hours a day".

But there's the mental block that I can't get past (psst it's executive dysfunction. im just gonna describe executive dysfunction now). The mental block applies not just to these bigger tasks/ideas, but also to doing basic self care tasks like getting out of bed or vacuuming or making myself a meal, and I manage to convince myself very quickly that I'm physically incapable of doing some of these things bcs my body feels like fucking garbage but I also know that I have to push past that and I'm capable of doing it and it's not actually impossible!! But it's not an unreasonable mental path to go down; if you feel sick or your body hurts and you feel bad, the logical step is that you shouldn't do things to worsen your condition. But my body hurting and feeling sick is coming from my brain, and these signals are incorrect! I do not have a virus or bacteria making me feel like this, I have a mental condition that makes me feel like this and I am actually capable of doing things!! I know this, but also the very genuine pain I feel when I move my body is a pretty strong deterrent to trying. It's just this negative reinforcement I'm supposed to overcome and I guess I don't give myself enough credit for regularly overcoming it?

So instead of doing things that would at least have the potential of making me feel good, when I'm not forced to do a thing via a commitment, I just won't. I'll lie in bed spiralling bcs all I can see is the effort, and the idea of a theoretical amount of pleasure that can't actually be guaranteed. Because even when I do things that I think I enjoy, I get such a low amount of mental reward that it doesn't incentivize me to do that thing again!! That, or I'll very quickly forget how it felt good/nice to do X thing, and so I literally just forget the reward part of the experience.

And I wish there was an easy way to deal with executive dysfunction. There are days where I'm already active and I've found the easiest way to cope with executive dysfunction is to keep yourself doing things in the first place but like. I need to rest because of pain or fatigue and so I roll to a standstill and getting the motor started back up again is really fucking hard. Especially so if I've just gone through something that I deemed an unsuccessful experience, and I'm unable to acknowledge all the times I did something as I received it because it's all stuff that normal people are able to handle and isn't particularly a struggle for them. So I dismiss my victories bcs I hold myself up to a standard I don't fit into, and I don't even know how to celebrate my victories either if I'm honest. Great, I got that paperwork sent in, I have a second of relief and then I'm anxious again thinking about the response that's going to arrive.

It just sucks that nothing feels easy or doable or enjoyable!! I would love to go on a walk but by the time I'm ready, I feel exhausted and lost motivation. Like tricking my brain and doing things on autopilot only works so many times!! There are certain things I can do on autopilot bcs I've done them before, but doing new activities requires planning and forethought, which requires a tremendous amount of energy.

[huh-lets-not]

anyways everyone pray 4 me. shit blood today and I just went "😊👍 ok !". hoping I have a normal one tomorrow and I'm not having internal bleeding. like bleeding in my GI tract would also leave me with at least severe abdominal pain so I'm just gonna assume I'm fiiiiiine. I mean if it happens again, including blood in the stool, then I'll probably go check into a hospital. it's not even like it's a health insurance issue, I just don't like waiting in the ER. only appointment with my doctor was for Friday and I'm assuming I'll be fine by Friday. but I should probably get like a colonoscopy or something considering that this has happened more than once.

[huh-lets-not]

ok post about my weight. just frustrated.

I've gotten more or less used to it now thank god (in terms of like. sensory feelings). but fuck man like 5kg and I'd be able to fit into all my dope clothes and not feel weird about my body.

I just genuinely do not know how to get there. considering my meal portions and that I'm fairly physically active (I mean, like not bad for a disabled person physically active, I could probably do more with help), I assume it's in majority stress holding onto fat bcs my body is scared. and the only way to deal with that is go back to therapy and learn how to better manage my anxiety and stress. which I thought I learned how to do, but turns out being disabled makes exercise (a key tool to coping with stress) a lot harder than it fucking should be. if walking up A flight of stairs makes my heart rate go into exercise mode, wtf happens if I actually do an exercise set ? wait is my heart just in really bad condition?? Fuck I guess rarely leaving the house for like 2 years will do that huh. aaaugghhhh

okay so get back into gentle exercise ... which means I have to take a class bcs I can't hold myself actually accountable to do things if left alone. which means finding a class, signing up, paying, and participating despite feeling fucking weird about my body!!! is there some way I could hold myself actually accountable to do the shit I say I want to do and carry them out without having to pay someone to watch me??

[huh-lets-not]

March 16, 2024

bounced between 2 countries my childhood, the feeling of "missing someone" was choked out by a 6 year old and I kept choking.

melancholy drips from my memories. despite the memory loss, I remember the exact moment I first experienced depression. i was 9 years old, looking out of my window at workers moving fish from one pond to another. I'd just been out there helping them, but looking out from my bedroom window I felt so far away, so alone and small and empty. how could I feel so empty at such a young age? shouldn't I be full of life?

at such a young age, I knew there was something off. it seemed like most people did things with such ease, unburdened by whatever my father and I carried. able to just go and do. go have fun. not sit inside and fear the sun and fear letting down the family you're trying to better be a part of because there's something not right with you. I remember spending time with my brother, how movement seemed easy to him. accessible.

I don't think I ever winced, I don't think I knew how to say "it hurts. all of it. always" and I don't think people knew how to hear me. I don't think anyone could look at this marvelous little girl and think "she's in agony". I remember one of my dad's friends saying she could see my pain, years later recounting her visit, and I wanted to scream, "why didn't you do anything? why didn't you save me?". now I know you can't just do that. you can't be saved, you have to do the saving. every day. you try to save yourself. to convince yourself that maybe tomorrow, maybe a year from now, it'll somehow be more bearable. I don't know how I've maintained this hope despite all the evidence to the contrary. Something about being wired like this, it included the hope. It included the engraving of my parents mourning if I chose to end it. so I haven't. just hoped something else would do the work for me, so it wouldn't be my fault.

it feels like my life path was set. I was loved, I was strange, I was hurt. it does not feel as though I was given that hurt, it seems to seep outwards from the inside. I wanted and wanted and somehow never stopped wanting. you'd think when it gets bad enough that you'd give up. I don't know why I haven't, maybe it hasn't gotten bad enough yet.

I am so tired. the emotional pain I endured, turned physical. I have a normal life. I have a tragic life. Depression is just a word, except for when it's scattered in your DNA. except for when you're a victim of circumstance.

oh have i had the honor of living in this time period. the luxuries I've been given. but my wiring just isn't right to enjoy them. it could be good. it could be great, even. if it were anyone else in this body except for me. I am loved. I am loved and it traps me here. the most flagrant violation of free will, wrapped in love. my life is mine, but I don't live it for me.

[huh-lets-not]

"you've got time" yeah but what am I supposed to do while I'm waiting for life to get fucking better !!!! not to mention, I have to participate in making it better. I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting away and like I'm not real.

like on top of my *whole situation*, now i feel like a failcringe depressed boyfriend who doesn't do nice things for his gf. it's not because I don't want to. it's because I'm fucking depressed and disabled!!! but like this girl, she's a nice decent girl who deserves to be treated well and taken out and I can't manage a museum date or even having her over bcs whoopsie I have a migraine and feel like my head is going to cave in on itself !!!

like I keep realizing things are harder for me than they are for others. I think the first time I really was smacked in the face with it is when I was visiting my brother and there's a day of the year that's "car free" in my city which means everyone can bicycle and roller skate and just exist on the streets. and going outside to have fun and skateboard seemed absolutely effortless to my brother, while I had raging anxiety over wearing roller skates and existing in public and telling my brother I needed a break or to slow down so I just. didn't say those things. I tried my best to pretend to have fun and when I was tired he offered to pull me while he was skateboarding but it never occurred to me to fully just say "I can't do this" because I didn't have the words for that yet. and I know executive dysfunction is such a big thing rn but it's hard to conceptualize how bad it sucks when you also add chronic pain to it. you feel like your body is lying to you, you know you can physically do a task but something is gumming up the works and I still don't know how to deal with that.

[huh-lets-not]

what's up with my treatment resistant depression huh?? like is it just a Brain Thing (like maybe part of autism that already makes me predisposed with my sensory issues and emotional dysregulation that leads to frequent depressive episodes) or is it just that my life keeps throwing trash cans at me all the time and any other person would also be depressed if they had my life? probably both huh.

ppl would probably say it doesn't really matter bcs the fact of the matter is that I've been experiencing depression for the majority of my life anyways. But I guess it matters to me bcs I'd like to know if I should just expect this is how the rest of my life is going to be or if building resilience to life shit will help or if my reactions are actually completely normal and in-line with how humans function if they're constantly under stress and made to live through a lot of bad situations often ?? it's probably a bit of all of it huh. so how do you make life not throw shit at you constantly? I guess you can't really. you just build a life that you hope isn't going to throw too much shit at you and you build yourself up so when shit does happen, you aren't so incapacitated by it. and I guess one would do that by creating a support network and having things in life that make you feel positive emotions and have good memories to counterbalance all the shit. maybe?

[huh-lets-not]

March 11, 2024

jesus christ. she made a good fucking point. I am allowed to be upset actually. I am allowed to feel the anger and grief and pain and fear and loneliness. I don't have to pretend like it's alright, like I'm unphased and not in perpetual agony from suppressing it all. I'm not supposed to be unphased, I'm not supposed to be okay.

I went through hell in a period where I was already vulnerable. I lost the friendships of people who mattered to me. Instead of rage, I resigned myself to defeat. It's been repeated to me to not complain, to not let it get to me, so I compromise and just tell the facts. Let other people feel the rage for me, tell me if it's allowed, if it's justified. Won't let myself feel the weight of my words until I realize I'm snarling and laughing because it's fucked and I realized only now that I'm actually allowed to acknowledge how fucked it's been. Not just state the facts, but cry with how much it's hurt and laugh with how absurd it's been. it's ME that has to live through that, telling others about it and expecting to get validation through their reactions isn't going to give me what I need. I have to face it myself first before coming to people for help. feeling it is the only way to move on and I haven't even let myself have that. because I'm so scared of those feelings, of how long I'll be trapped in them- as if what I'm putting myself through is a better alternative somehow.

it's funny how easy it is to forget. that your suffering and pain isn't meant to be palatable. isn't meant to make others feel comfortable. it's supposed to be what it is- raw. painful. gut wrenching. shit that makes you understand why lost your appetite. shit that makes you understand why you'd rather sleep all day to ignore it. why suddenly you can't shower or do basic tasks.

[huh-lets-not]

ok from speaking to people I am realizing that my quality of life may in fact be impacted by my disability in the sense that I do a lot less pleasurable things in my life. and I know I've made this realization before, and I was working on doing something about it, but I forgot why I was working on Doing More Stuff On Purpose and it was to make me happy ! to add more experiences to my life ! but that's actually quite hard when you're disabled

[huh-lets-not]

had a dream I was dating a butch who looked vaguely like Kieran Culkin and I was dressed quite 50s fem and we were laying on top of each other in the grass on the sidewalk, but like in a grassy area. and also for some reason there was a rather large mirror behind us, like not quite leaning against a fence, but rather where a fence should be, and I took pictures of us that were beautiful.

I think I'm still missing feeling desired. I think I keep measuring everything back to my last relationship despite how much of a wreck it was, it really did feel easy in the beginning. Obvious, without being forced? Like it was easy to fall into him, it always was, that wasn't the issue. It was pulling myself back out, it was standing beside instead of falling into that was hard. Oh god, those times I visited him after we'd broken up and I'd stay at his house bcs things were bad at mine. Felt like a pocket dimension, lost in time and space. And I'd stay for a couple days every time. I got to know his mom in that period. Anyways.

Feeling wanted and myself wanting, to press my body against someone's, to lay in the grass, to fall into one another. But is that bad? Do I only know how to love wrong? In an all-consuming way?

[huh-lets-not]

I think overall, it's an issue of a lack of support. Someone else should be handling half the things that I'm doing, but there is no one else to handle it. So I guess I need to find someone that can either handle certain tasks, or help me with certain tasks so the other responsibilities are easier since I won't need to care for the basic tasks.

March 4, 2023

keep gently reminding my girl that my life is a perpetual nightmare except that it wasn't as bad when I met her! So I think she can't really imagine what I live through on a daily basis (I mean, I think my daily life is unimaginable with what I endure). I was actually doing okay and was brave and was trying new things when we met! and I'm still doing that but the effects of my responsibilities are back to weighing on me and sucking my soul and driving me to burnout. and I genuinely have no idea what to do. I mean I guess I do, but those are still more work.

like I'm gonna go back to working only half days and that should help. it just means that I get to rest for the other half of the day instead of pushing myself to the brink and collapsing when I get home. I can't keep up with the rest of what I need to be doing if I don't have sufficient rest and since I can only apparently sleep in 6 hour time slots, and take naps, I guess I have to make do with that. but I'm not maintaining basic self care. Like I'm not exercising, I'm back to just eating what I can (at least now I have reminders to eat though), I'm trying to socialize but it's kind of exhausting when you're burnt out. I really really need to be getting a grip on my mental health and progressing there, but it's hard to do that when the actual real life situation is bad scary hard. Like I'm losing my grandma. I'm watching the process of losing her. How do I work on PTSD and reducing the effects of getting triggered when I'm living a hard situation right NOW?

I naturally want to be more involved in helping my grandmother, I want her to have a decent end of life. But also at this point I'm entirely prioritizing her health over mine. Which is obviously, not good. So I'm still trying to keep a balance despite the fact that I'm having to do a bunch of extra shit rn for my grandma bcs we opened a new bank account that we can't even log into bcs of a technical issue that I need to call someone for! And I'm just praying that my mom got the new bank info to the social security office in time for my grandma to get her payments from previous months bcs it's gonna suck shit if she doesn't have that money...

And I managed to get a job, which was supposed to keep me feeling more stable and in a routine but working the full day is too much I've discovered. So I need to go back to working half days, and then do all the math of that and how to have a contract for that. And it sucks bcs then I won't be able to use as many of my competences as I can, but I also need to not burn myself out while maintaining a job. And it's stupid bcs I'm putting in so much effort for a job that doesn't pay me jack shit when I'm working on contract, and all of this to just maintain the position I need to hold with a government body to then access unemployment without having to work an additional year. But it's a backup plan for a backup plan that I'm doing in case disability decides I'm not disabled enough to keep getting money! and the next check-up for that is in less than a year, and I forget that I'm actively working on getting an autism diagnosis, my appointments are all set, it's just a long waiting period. So normally, I should continue receiving disability payments. But idk sometimes the government is a bitch! Like the fact that I reached the minimum amount of points despite having a disabling chronic health condition is wild!! I walk with a cane! I take the max dose of hard painkillers daily! I'm shocked I even got on disability without being interviewed, but I'm also really afraid of losing it and instead of just chilling bcs I achieved my goal, I have to put more work in to make sure I have a plan if this plan fails. And I think if I sign up with my insurance as being unable to work, then it's a different government aid program that helps me instead, but then I don't get the rights to the other government aid program and that's scary! But maybe that's just what I have to do at this point. Idk !!! i was trying to do it Properly but I should really look into the insurance unemployment thing, bcs then I wouldn't have to worry about trying to find a job.

[huh-lets-not]

March 4, 2023

keep gently reminding my girl that my life is a perpetual nightmare except that it wasn't as bad when I met her! So I think she can't really imagine what I live through on a daily basis (I mean, I think my daily life is unimaginable with what I endure). I was actually doing okay and was brave and was trying new things when we met! and I'm still doing that but the effects of my responsibilities are back to weighing on me and sucking my soul and driving me to burnout. and I genuinely have no idea what to do. I mean I guess I do, but those are still more work.

like I'm gonna go back to working only half days and that should help. it just means that I get to rest for the other half of the day instead of pushing myself to the brink and collapsing when I get home. I can't keep up with the rest of what I need to be doing if I don't have sufficient rest and since I can only apparently sleep in 6 hour time slots, and take naps, I guess I have to make do with that. but I'm not maintaining basic self care. Like I'm not exercising, I'm back to just eating what I can (at least now I have reminders to eat though), I'm trying to socialize but it's kind of exhausting when you're burnt out. I really really need to be getting a grip on my mental health and progressing there, but it's hard to do that when the actual real life situation is bad scary hard. Like I'm losing my grandma. I'm watching the process of losing her. How do I work on PTSD and reducing the effects of getting triggered when I'm living a hard situation right NOW?

I naturally want to be more involved in helping my grandmother, I want her to have a decent end of life. But also at this point I'm entirely prioritizing her health over mine. Which is obviously, not good. So I'm still trying to keep a balance despite the fact that I'm having to do a bunch of extra shit rn for my grandma bcs we opened a new bank account that we can't even log into bcs of a technical issue that I need to call someone for! And I'm just praying that my mom got the new bank info to the social security office in time for my grandma to get her payments from previous months bcs it's gonna suck shit if she doesn't have that money...

And I managed to get a job, which was supposed to keep me feeling more stable and in a routine but working the full day is too much I've discovered. So I need to go back to working half days, and then do all the math of that and how to have a contract for that. And it sucks bcs then I won't be able to use as many of my competences as I can, but I also need to not burn myself out while maintaining a job. And it's stupid bcs I'm putting in so much effort for a job that doesn't pay me jack shit when I'm working on contract, and all of this to just maintain the position I need to hold with a government body to then access unemployment without having to work an additional year. But it's a backup plan for a backup plan that I'm doing in case disability decides I'm not disabled enough to keep getting money! and the next check-up for that is in less than a year, and I forget that I'm actively working on getting an autism diagnosis, my appointments are all set, it's just a long waiting period. So normally, I should continue receiving disability payments. But idk sometimes the government is a bitch! Like the fact that I reached the minimum amount of points despite having a disabling chronic health condition is wild!! I walk with a cane! I take the max dose of hard painkillers daily! I'm shocked I even got on disability without being interviewed, but I'm also really afraid of losing it and instead of just chilling bcs I achieved my goal, I have to put more work in to make sure I have a plan if this plan fails. And I think if I sign up with my insurance as being unable to work, then it's a different government aid program that helps me instead, but then I don't get the rights to the other government aid program and that's scary! But maybe that's just what I have to do at this point. Idk !!! i was trying to do it Properly but I should really look into the insurance unemployment thing, bcs then I wouldn't have to worry about trying to find a job.

[huh-lets-not]

fucking lame as shit that I don't have any feelings towards this girl who, aside from some deeply rooted insecurities and repressed trauma, ticks all my boxes. she's a nice girl, a nice normal girl who communicates well and understands me pretty well, but there's just no passion :/ I'm trying to give it time, that maybe it'll come and it's just different in relationships with ppl who are more stable, but I also don't want to lead her on. But Also Also, I don't want to pre-emptively end something nice that could be really nice just because I'm not having the "right" feelings for the situation. like I feel if we'd just started this off as friends that I wouldn't be scared of leading her on and I could just chill instead of worrying about having to make moves and say things about love when I'm not there. but I mean, I guess I'm saying all of this with the assumption that she's already in love with me, which isn't very fair on my part and is over-inflating my ego a little bit.

but uh yeah, I guess we'll continue to see where this is going and I'll try to make sure I'm not forcing myself to do anything I'm uncomfortable doing. maybe she also doesn't particularly feel a spark, but nevertheless enjoys my company, and I'll just hope that's where she's at.

[huh-lets-not]

okay