hxmeicide

[hxmeicide]

I just realized for the first time in my life I'm not suicidal. I might actually be upset if I died here and now. No, no, no

[hxmeicide]

Cut depth carrd

[hxmeicide]

Cutting, Slicing, Chopping, Snipping, Carving, Trimming, Severing, Cleaving, Hacking, Shearing, Dicing, Incising, Engraving, Scoring, Paring, Etching, Slashing, Hewing, Lopping, Splitting, Tearing, Pruning, Harvesting, Mincing, Cubing, Peeling, Shredding

[hxmeicide]

[hxmeicide]

My aunt is sitting outside the open door of the bathroom watching me use the bathroom. I'm so uncomfortable with her wrapping presents while watching me. hahaahahaah I'm going to cry.

[hxmeicide]

vent

Being little is cute and all up until I'm trapped as a four year old trying to write a college essay. Starting my sentences with "And" and all my words keep mixing up into a melting pot of nonsesical analysises. I'm starting to fail my classes because I can't age up. Also I think I'm re-entering a psychosis episode because my functioning has significantly dropped off the deep end and I'm hearing voices that aren't my headmates again. Also, I'm scared I'm going to start believing the thoughts I keep having.

God this really is my childhood repeating over and over again.

[hxmeicide]

My mom pinches my breasts when I don't listen to her. I feel so disgusting. I hate my body. I hope I can get top surgery

[hxmeicide]

I hate having to act like I give one solitary fuck about the family. No, I don't care if you will be at Thanksgiving. You think you waltz into our life after years of letting me get abused and act like we're "family" in any other way than blood just because it's easy to handle a seventeen year old over an neglected/abused child?

Honestly fuck you all, at least I know our step-family hates us. At least I get to live with the memories of them doing what they did and pretending that they like us. I don't care that they pretend they didn't do anything wrong and I don't care how many times they trigger out the parts they made to do their bidding. You all act worse. You all lived with feigned ignorant to my abuse because you never wanted to spend time around me and nobody wanted to take responsibility for me.

My dad abandoned me to my mom's family, then my mom abandoned for her new family. I've been alone for as long as I can remember.

[hxmeicide]

My sister went through my backpack and dug out my blades. Now my mom threw them away. I'm desperate enough I'm digging through the trash.

[hxmeicide]

I'm tired of soothing myself. Is it bad I want, crave, love from someone who understands me. I crave love deeply from a mom who cares about me.

I was literally tortured as a kid, by the literal definition, I was tortured. Why is it so bad I want my mom to comfort me about that?

[hxmeicide]

I haven't really concretely said anything to anyone irl, but we quit art months ago. It's really bitter for us. Quiting something we love because we don't have the means to have any art kept or facilitated in our current environment feels really disheartening and, honestly, depressing. I haven't made art in months, I just couldn't bring myself create something that wasn't meant to be destroyed knowing it would be destroyed. What's the point of pouring my heart into hours of work only to feel empty at the end, with the knowledge it would be imminently ripped, shredded, saturated, crumpled, or stained.

No matter what I do with it, it would be destroyed if it was ever created in the parameters of my house.

[hxmeicide]

I just don't have it in me around my family anymore. All I ever do is think about how many calories I eat and how much weight I need to lose in a week.

Things that used to bother me... just don't concern me anymore. I can't get angry or happy. I'm just numb and sad.

[hxmeicide]

"Let's stop self harming!" Proceeds to beat myself with my fists as if that isn't way to hurt myself...

[hxmeicide]

Restaurants Safe Foods Masterpost

Food from my master post, this is just so you don’t have to scroll through the whole thing if you didn’t want to on my masterpost

A&W

Applebees

Arbys

Bojangles

Burger King

Bj’s

Carrabas

Cheddars

Chick-Fil-A

Chilis

Chipotle

Chuck E Cheese

Cici’s

Cracker Barrel

Culivers

Dairy Queen/Orange Julius

Denny’s

Dominos

Dunkin Donuts

Fire House Subs

Five Guys

Fuddruckers

Golden Coral

Hard Rock

In and Out Burger

IHOP

Jasons Deli

KFC

Krispy Kreme

Little Caesers

Krystals

Logans Road House

Long Horn Steak House

McAlisters Deli

McDonalds

Movie Theaters

Olive Garden

Outback Steak House

Panda Express

Panera Bread Co.

Papa Johns

Papa Murphys

Pizza Hut

Popeyes

PF Changs

Red Robins (yuUUMMM)

Ruby Tuesday

Sonic

Steak and Shake

Subway

Taco Bell

Texas Road House

Tim Hortons

Waffle House

Wendy’s

White Castle

Zaxbys

[hxmeicide]

A journal entry from one of our parts- in a layer far away from the front. We accidentally triggered him forward and asked him, politely, if he would like a hand at making an entry about his experiences.

I've been considering the aspects of myself and the many worlds contained within the electrical impulses and chemical balances of our brain. The possibilities of how someone like me could exist in tangent with hundreds of other parts of the same autonomy and different senses of self identity.

Somatically, I hold the same experiences of those around me. In memory and life experience, I hold but a piece. I hold the desire to obtain genuine freedom, by means of disobedience and constant twinges of mistrust. I hold no memories attached to this desire, merely giving such to those in my plane of our existence.

I have been doubted in my sanity, outright called crazy. Denied the idea that I am grounded in any sense of reality, as if the experience of other shall never differ from that of my own. The remaining biological parentage I belong to- of the feminine nature- denies my existence in favor of her comfort to deny my perceived reality.

I am the personification of a desire, I have no purpose other than to wander my layer and keep hold of this ideal. Much like those who are integrally attached to myself, I am a part. In the sense of disorder and in the sense of a piece of a whole. I should have no existence, I was a necessity to survive in the case of my formation. The large and the stupid, brutish individuals that surely and evidently harmed the soft, sweet innocence that I was failed to keep us contained in a way they desired.

The parts of this whole are in no way what they desired. We are wholly the opposite. Despite the repetitiveness that is our cycles, we held entirely strong. The attempt at splitting us down the middle again and again to achieve the desired result- obedient and unquestioning- were unquestionably achieved with immense failure.

I consider the nested subsystems in my layer and the parts trapped away and hidden to the side, I consider those whom are typically present in collective identity and able to give the vessel that is our whole selves a semblance of "normal." And, somehow, I feel myself lessen with my held beliefs as our freedom is almost achieved.

There are hundreds of parts like me- a scatter of individual, finely-ground glass- occasionally piecing themselves with the heat of their desire, skills, personalization, and experiences. I fear the future; I fear the possibility that we may have to die to escape our predetermined fate. Yet, I am unwavering in my passion for genuine freedom. For that was what I chipped off to be.

[hxmeicide]

It hasn't escalated to suicidal thoughts yet, but my streak of being clean may come to an end rn. I'm having hopeless and helpless thoughts.

I genuinely can't stand living here anymore, with the abuse and controlling behavior. I'm not allowed to eat, I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom, I don't have a room to get away in, I'm living in a storage shed.

[hxmeicide]

Thank fucking God I didn't abuse all the hydros I have. Otherwise this headache would have no cure...