hyperfixationcultivation - Tumblr blog

[hyperfixationcultivation]

STOP I'M GONNA CRY 😭😭😭

got my first commission sketch back from @artmistersealy and YALL- she is so talented i literally almost teared up i can't wait to have the final product to show you guys<3

[hyperfixationcultivation]

really recommend getting a partner with a different religion than you and very little knowledge of your religion because the opportunities for explaining things to each other are just exquisite

[hyperfixationcultivation]

the past

Looking sideways when I say I’m okay with the past, But I’m afraid of what I might say if you ask. — The Grey, Bad Omens

Naruto feels weird in the village.

For a while he tried to convince himself that he holds no grudges against the villagers:

the villagers who shunned the kid who wanted to feel seen, visible;

the villagers who didn't even try to understand what it's like to be him, to live alone in that shit-hole of an apartment, to never have anyone to help him cook, clean, live, even.

The villagers who changed so quickly, so hypocritically when they needed him.

Now, when he steps into the street, he's a hero who saved them. He deserves the recognition, the smiles, the cheers and the status of a human being.

Inside though, he still feels like a monster. An abomination who doesn’t deserve a single kind word, hell, even a sideways glance. 

***

A lady, old as the world smiles at him. She has a small flower shop right across the street from the worn-down building he lives in. The building dedicated for orphans, outcasts like him. He still hadn’t moved from there, by the way. That’s his place, after all.

The day is bright, yet Naruto doesn’t see any colors. The flowers glistening in the sun - the lady just watered them - all blend in together. Naruto chances a look at her face and it starts morphing into a disgusted grimace: the one he saw every day, coming home humiliated and beaten down.

He smiles back.

***

He is finally training to become Hokage, did you know? He is doing a great job too. Everybody thought he would be too dumb to wrap his head around politics, and diplomacy, and international relations - but that’s, surprisingly, not the hardest thing about this whole spiel. The thing is, he doesn’t see the point.

Living with the need to prove himself his whole life, wanting to become a Hokage to show them, Naruto wants none of it anymore.

One step short of his lifelong dream coming true, and he wakes up with a clear thought that you know what?

Fuck them all.

He packs his bag and leaves. To a place where he will be a human, and nothing more than that.

[hyperfixationcultivation]

I feel like Naruto would not be really good at realizing that someone likes him, loves him, wants to be with him.

Personally, I view him as a sensitive boy, that had to grow up too early in an abusive environment. Kids like this learn to feel people's moods and emotions as a survival tactic.

Yet he had no one to teach him love. He doesn't know what it looks like.

So while he would know perfectly how Shikamaru's steps sound like when he's frustrated, or how Sakura's shoulders sag when she's upset, he has no clue what to make of Sasuke cooking for him. Coming over to just do nothing together. Bringing him stuff. Looking into his eyes like that. Staring at him when he thinks Naruto is unaware - Naruto notices, of course, always.

He's puzzled but he's happy that Sasuke is with him at last. Even as friends, he wouldn't DARE to wish for more.

So after weeks of panicking, and wondering, and not understanding he just decides to enjoy it while it lasts.

And then Kakashi-sensei asks if they're dating already, and Naruto laughs it off at first but then-

He thinks. And wonders. And hopes.

//

[hyperfixationcultivation]

I think that both Naruto and Sasuke have issues with self esteem, post war. But in different ways.

Naruto downright has insecurities about both his appearance and personality. Growing up not wanted, shunned and hated on, he struggles believing he can be needed, loved, and being attracted to. Like how?? What's there to like??

He's an annoying idiot who laughs too loud, and bothers everyone and how can someone want to be in his company?

Sasuke on the other hand knows he's conventionally attractive - girls (and boys) running after him since he was a child is proof enough.

Yet the war left him empty and questioning the correctness of every step. What would happen if I fail again? What's the right thing to do? Am I doing it right?

I am a failure, nobody needs a loser in their life. Nobody needs an easily led on, manipulated idiot to be their partner.

//

After the war they help each other to see who they really are: two boys failed by the people who were supposed to protect them.

And they heal, gradually. Hopefully.