i--thought-i-was-an--alien

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

#3

small things i desire to do more often from now on:

- be more honest about what i'm feeling, not making people figure it out thenselves. how can they know how i feel exactly?

- not chasing after people who clearly don't want me in their life. it's their loss, and my chance to focus on myself or maybe a sign to meet new people. it happens

- focusing on the anger i feel with myself and with other people. is it jealousy? is it sadness? is it desperation?

- go on a walk or clean a random shelf at home whenever i feel like lashing out on myself or on someone else

- not blaming myself for someone else's mistakes. learning from my own and not punishing myself if i make one, just understanding what i did wrong and making good choices from that moment

- accepting not everyone has to like me, and that's okay. and accepting that it's okay for it to hurt too.

- let myself grieve the way that makes me feel good, and not leaving me in another depressive episode

- not apologizing for being here, not apologizing for being around, not apologizing for the smallest things. if they think i'm selfish, let them think so

- doing things for myself and not someone else all the time

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

#2

Work, work, work and one more time...WORK! Those few days were so tiring, but I'm happy we're finally going to reopen the store i work at, you know? I'm both excited and terrified to be honest. I hope we don't get trampled by customers tomorrow LOL.

I've been thinking a bit today, as usual, just as everyone else. I heard today a sentence that maybe sometimes I shouldn't be talking. At first, I was offended, but it passed after some time. I thought about it. Usually I don't talk much apart from my coworkers and two people I call my closest friends atm. I live alone, so I can talk to people only outside, it gets lonely, but I understand why someone would say that to me. Once i get the chance I just start talking without much thinking, if they laugh at my joke I repeat it over and over again because I feel good and validated that someone thought it's funny....at least until it gets old and people give me weird looks.

I need to get better at reading people, sometimes I think like I lack some basic communication skills. When to stop talking? When should I talk? Should I say this? Or should I say that?

It sounds stupid, I know, but it bothers me.

Not having energy at the moment, tired after work but wanted to let out my thoughts somewhere. Hands hurt from work so I guess it's just easier for me to click on my computer except for writing in my notebook journal.

Oh! And also! I fell over at work today, I think my knee is getting the biggest bruise it has ever gotten LOL. It was funny. But I do think that it's weird that when I'm okay and I'm saying that I'm okay people keep pushing if I'm being honest, but if I feel bad and say I feel bad no one seems to care that much. I mean, do I really care that much? Maybe, or maybe not.

Few more days of work and I will finally have my beloved few days off from that place. Thank god!

I want to spend those few days somewhere, I want to go somewhere, to have some fun, even if alone. I just don't know where and I don't know if I'm brave enough to go somewhere alone. But maybe that's what I need at the moment, huh?

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

love anyways

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

#1

This is my first post here, i kind of don't even know how to start lol. I've been writing stuff in my journal for myself for a while now, but i can't help to want to share some of my thoughts with the 'outside world' or some other people. Is it selfish? Is it attention seeking? Not sure.

Today's been the same as any other recent days, work, work, work and one more time work. I think there's something wrong with my back because there's no way it hurts as if i was an 80 year old grandma already. When I was little, every adult told me I should see an orthopedist, and yet no one ever took me there, almost as if it was my responsibility as a ten year old to sign myself up to a doctor I couldn't pronounce the name of. Now as i'm grown up and living on my own, I probably should be taking care of my health, but since I barely saw a doctor when i was younger I don't feel the need to see one at this point. I know, that's a bad way of thinking, it's something i'm working on. But I consider it being a small step, especially if some time ago I wouldn't even let the thought of taking care of myself cross my mind. Maybe the small me is demanding the adult I am now to take care of her? Perhaps. I don't know.

I did the dishes, as usual. Even though my place is one big mess, I try at least taking out the trash, doing the dishes and some other minor chores. I just feel so heavy, but I think i'm in one of those times right now where I have a bit more energy than usual, so i'm trying to use it the best I can to clean up everything for when i go into the pit again lol. I've been reading a book recently, "Stop Checking Your Likes: Shake Off the Need for Approval and Live an Incredible Life" by Susie Moore (although it's a very slow process, but small steps are still steps) and i've been feeling strangely motivated. Maybe it's because of some quotes that resonate with me? Maybe because I didn't read a book in a while? Maybe because it's the first self improvement book i'm reading? Maybe.

I've been feeling alone lately, so maybe that's why i'm also trying desperately to do everything not to bounce back to my lowest points. I've also been I think a week sober, which is neat especially when I got to the point my body's been rejecting it. I think I ruined most of my friendships, if not all of them. At one point I feel like a failure, on the other hand I feel like the fault is not only on my side, although I myself am also not a Saint of course. Some cannot be repaired, all I can do at that point is accept this.

Maybe i'm too selfish, maybe i'm not a good person. But I want to be better, I don't think it will happen until I work on myself and take care of myself better. It's a long way, but maybe a one worth going.

[i--thought-i-was-an--alien]

butch teddy bears 🧸