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Ughhhhh I hate being lonely so mucchhhhhhhh this sucksssss blerghhhhhhhhhghhghghhghhhhhhh it always makes me so fucking manic and my emotions get so high intensity that it's really difficult to cope BC like. Everything's so high sometimes and then I'm just numb others and it sucks. I'm so stressseddddddddd and it's having such a fucking impact on my sleep too which is a vicious cycle, and it makes my bpd worse and I just. Blegh. Blergh blugh blugh. And I wanna meet new people but everything's so fucking shaky rn and I just don't know if that's something I should be doing but I need human interaction so bad

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Sometimes I remember that it's been at least ten years, probably more, since I've felt truly safe, and it makes me want to rip the top of my skull off and scream at god, why, why, why me, why give me a taste before you take it a way? So that I may recognise the pain I am in as preventable and unnecessary? So that I will know how it feels to be full and the hunger will devour me that much worse? So that I may curse your name in exhaustion as I look at those around me eating what I cannot have on my plate that is cursed to forever be barren? You are cruel, you are unnecessary, you are evil, you are the thing I hate most in this world you vile torturer, you make me believe that the truest sin is to believe in you, your name tastes the same as the bile that comes up as I retch emptily, miserably, with no food to expel but a disgust that demands expulsion, and make no mistake this is not me giving up as I cannot allow myself to simply stop, I will continue, must continue, until I find my goal or become unable to breath for that is my oath to myself, that is my petty defiance, you will not kill me beyond my lungs and my brain, for my heart will forever be mine, that is my feeble resistance, that is what stops you from any true "victory" and I will hold onto that long past my death and most assuredly past yours, for my will is stronger than your power and even though that means an *agony* that makes me writhe and *hate* I will *never* stop, even though it feels like I am dragging through broken glass I will allow the shards their purchase and keep going, because that is what I have decided, that is my oath, that is why and how I live, but I will still mourn the pain, and it's preventability

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It is so. Goddamned. Frustrating. That whenever people talk about bad dragon alternatives they almost never mean masturbators, it makes it feel like they think fantasy sex toys aren't for people who don't want to be penetrated, i want to be able to partake in it but the alternatives are so fucking low quality it hurts, so my only real option is bad dragon, but it sucks that it seems like it's just not a market that cares about me

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I'm tired but I'm scared to sleep because the nightmares i sometimes get when I sleep mid breakdown can be really bad and I feel guilty for the fear, because it's unlikely and it doesn't happen that often, but it's still terrifying

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I just. I feel like I've spent so much time and effort getting better at romance and learning about relationships and communication and trying to be equipped to be a good partner when the time comes, but it hasn't, and two of my aromantic friends are closer to being in a romantic relationship than I am, and it's unfair to be angry about that but it feels like they got what I have been working towards for free, and that hurts, and I just, I know what I'm doing wrong, I don't talk to people because I get scared and I don't really know how to, and it's unfair for me to expect that without even doing that step, but I'm technically still underage so I can't use dating services even though they may well be my only shot, and it's infuriating because loneliness burns like an acid eating through me, and I hate hate hate having noone to touch, noone to be romantic with because it feels like I put so much into that, I changed so much about myself so that I'd be a better romantic partner, for years it has been the single most efficient way for me to motivate myself because it was all I really wanted, and it is still so much of what i want and it just. Hurts. Being alone hurts so much

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My mind burns like acid, I wish it would just fucking stop already, I ache in ways that I can't succinctly explain, something obviously not physical therapy hurts like it's been stabbed and it has for a long time but now I notice it more because it wasn't this bad at college and I just. I would give so much to spend time without a body, to be able to properly perceive time, to be able to just do the things I want to without having to fight the chains that exist in my mind, binding to a state simultaneously too close and too far to death I want romantic love I want romantic love so much it hurts and it always does in winter and I don't even fully know why and it's infuriating and I just want to touch someone gently, I want to hug someone and not want to rip my skin off I want to touch someone and feel good, I would give almost anything to feel towards someone like I used to feel towards Rose and Maddie, that electricity when we touched, the comfort, the safety, I miss it dearly, I wish I could have that back. I wish I could have a body that didn't have some unreasonable grudge against me. I wish I had good parents. I wish they were actually willing to change and to try but they aren't. So here I am.

god, I hate winter.

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dam…….. that website “you feel like shit” (it’s like a questionnaire / troubleshooting guide for when you feel like shit) really works………………….. im not even all the way thru it and i even half-assed a lot of the suggestions and i already feel loads better

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I want to self-destruct I want to break my body so irreparably they will have no choice but to accept that they hurt me, I want them to open the door to me hanging, and for then to see this blog and fully realize their why I ended, I want them to be forced to feel the weight of their sins, and I want it with an ever increasing regularity, if I stay here much longer I don't know if I'll make it out

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I just had my strongest self harm/suicidal thoughts in years

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I feel so betrayed and disappointed, and I just, can't

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I haven't been this dysphoric in so long

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I hate viren and shadow Weaver bc they remind me of my own abusive parents

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I am naturally prone to emotionally manipulating and lying to people, and it disturbs me, and it disturbs me how much I catch myself doing

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I need help

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I'm so tired, of all the discourse, and I feel so lonely but I live with my family, but I can't figure out how to forgive them, and it's bad for everyone, and I cant even sleep long enough to forget even for a few seconds, and I'm scared and I think I might be having a mental breakdown, I shouldn't have to deal with all this I'm not old enough to vote, I'm not old enough to deal with the world crashing in a ball of flame, and I feel so trapped, I'm not old enough for independence, but I crave it, I need control over my life, but I can't have it and I can see the ways I'm damaged but I'm helpless to fix them

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I haven't had a day this bad in years

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I was on my bullshit again and now I've lost a friend I hold dear