i-wrotethisforme - Tumblr blog

[i-wrotethisforme]

Stay out too late with someone you shouldn't. Tell people things you've been holding onto for no reason. Take the invitation, answer the phone call. Watch a meteor shower in the freezing cold at 2am on a work night because once in a lifetime chances are once in a lifetime chances.

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life of dive bars and bottle service and shitty weekend trips and fancy hotels, it’s happiness is completely and totally all about the people you’re with.

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Of course we change all the time and it’s inevitable and sometimes for the better. But sometimes we also change in bad ways. And it’s ok to admit that a family member betrayed you or a breakup destroyed you or you suffered an inconceivable loss and because of that your trust was destroyed and you wish you could go back to when you were innocent and had faith in people and love and were confident in your relationships and didn’t self sabotage or have commitment issues. And there’s no happy ending or life lesson to this post, just that it’s ok to change and not like the person you are now as much as a previous version of yourself. And next time you tell someone they’ve changed and you mean it as an insult you should be sensitive to the fact that maybe they don’t like who they’ve become either and it’s not their fault.

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You’re not obligated to give someone what you think they want if they don’t have the courage to make it clear to you.

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“Just remember that no matter who walks out of your life, there are some people who are always going to be there. On your side no matter whose fault it was. Answering your calls no matter how late it is. Don’t take them for granted, be there for them, be strong for them, be okay for them.”

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If you told me when we met and I instantly fell for you that I’d have to wait six years for us to be together, my heart would have broken. But knowing what I learned in those six years, and the people I met, and the places I went, and the memories I made, and even the people that hurt me and the nights I spent crying on the floor, I realize now that I needed every single one of those days to be able to make it work with you. Because that girl six years ago knew what she wanted but didn’t know what she needed. You can’t end up with the person you’re supposed to be with until you’ve had that one soul crushing heartbreak, the most fun night of your life with people you’ll never see again, at least a dozen mornings filled with questions, multiple first dates you regret the moment you walk in, loves that turned into best friends, a life changing trip with your closest girlfriends, and those very important almost maybes that didn’t work out but still made you happy and taught you more about yourself than you wanted to know. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on some of the most important parts of life.

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I know I make it seem like I’m not afraid of anything and I don’t have any weaknesses but you don’t know that I save every voicemail my dad has ever left me because I know one day I won’t be able to hear his voice anymore. And that’s my weakness. Just thinking about that makes me cry the same way I cry about the things I said to my little sister when we were younger that I can’t take back. And the fact that she still wants to be exactly like me even though I used to yell at her for copying me and dressing like me and liking the same things as me completely breaks me because I know I don’t deserve it. She’s better than me in every way. And that’s what I think about when I’m alone. I know I do a great job at making it seem like I’m invincible and infallible and that I don’t care about working hard or doing what’s right as long as I get to have fun, and I wish I can say that’s completely wrong but it’s not. But I’d never hurt someone to get ahead. I’d never take credit for something I didn’t do. I’d never accept recognition or respect that I didn’t feel I earned. And my family taught me that. And yes, I’ve only had a couple jobs and they’ve all been easy and I breezed through college at my safety school where I drank five nights a week and I’ve never truly had to try at anything in my entire life. Meanwhile my brother has worked dozens of hard jobs and once he found what he loved he worked his fucking ass off to be good at it, and I know I can’t say that about myself. But the respect I have for him for that is immeasurable and he’ll never know. The people I share my DNA with are all stronger than me and better than me in so many ways but I like to think I have a little part of that in myself and I’m trying to show it. That’s why I seem strong and that’s why I seem fearless. But that’s just because you don’t know what I’m afraid of.

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I left a part of me in North Carolina. And there’s still a part of me in a small apartment on the corner of 84th and Lex. And perhaps the biggest part of me will always be in a suburb outside of New York in a house that will always look the same with a garden with vegetables and a garage with a car that always needs to be worked on. But the rest of me, however big or small of a piece that may be, I can promise you, will always be with you.

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I learned at 17 that I’ll always have someone on my side even when I’m wrong. I learned at 19 that the people I wasn’t friends with in high school were the ones missing out. I learned at 20 that my mom and my friends were right about that boy. I learned at 23 that your best friend doesn’t have to be human. I learned at 25 that the person you’d drive six hours to see for one day isn’t just a friend. But of all the things it took me too long to learn- I wish I knew sooner to spend my time with the ones who make things feel easy.

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i thought about you today

“I want to pretend it was never good and we were just young and I was blind. But the truth is I’ve never seen another pair of eyes like yours and my mom still loves you.”

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I can’t just stop thinking about him. I really want to move on because I know I deserve better, I deserve someone who will treat me well and would rate me. Please how can I move on from this boy it’s like I’m obsessed with him or what ?. I honestly just want to forget about this guy to be so honest.

You’re obsessed because you wanted something from him that you didn’t get. You feel like things ended too soon and it’s like the picture you had in your head was ripped apart and maybe you feel used or maybe you don’t have answers and that’s what is impossible to just stop caring about. That’s why the ones who hurt us are the hardest to forget. Because we thought they were different but we were so wrong and we hate being wrong about people. But you’ll heal, just keep telling yourself that he wasn’t special or good to you so it’s not him that you can’t get over, it’s not his personality or his heart, it’s the pain he caused you. And once you recover from that, which you will, he’ll have no power over you anymore. It just takes time.

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I thought you were so mature when I met you because we were 18 and you liked pistachio ice cream and you smoked cigarettes. And I thought, “what are the chances you’d like someone like me?” And you never did. And a few months ago, ten years later, I met someone who spends his summers in the Hamptons and buys real estate as a hobby and I thought, “he’s so accomplished, why would he ever like me?” And it turns out he never actually did either, at least not enough to make it real. Then I got drunk one night and I texted him and I asked him why I wasn’t good enough and he said that I was. He liked me all along, I just refused to see it. I was the one who decided I wasn’t enough. Sometimes we actually can’t see things that are so obviously right in front of us because we feel we don’t deserve them. And all I could think about was how different my life would have been if I realized that at the ice cream shop ten years ago.

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One of the hardest realizations to face is that someone you’ve invested a lot of time into isn’t the right one for you or isn’t who you thought. Because think about it like this: you’re painting a picture and you go out and you buy the expensive canvas and tons of paint, all different colors, and you spend years on this one painting, making sure everything’s perfect, fixing mistakes, adding and subtracting details, redoing and re-examining, and this painting is all you have to show for the past, say 6, years of your life because it’s what you’ve invested all your free time into and money and effort and tears and frustrations. And then to be faced with the decision to destroy it- no matter how mad it’s making you, even if it came out completely wrong- I just don’t think you could. And that’s why people stay in relationships with people that might not be the best for them. Because after spending 6 years on one painting, the thought of having to start from scratch on a blank canvas is more daunting and overwhelming and terrifying than having to look at a mediocre painting every day for the rest of your life.

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Yes, I know today’s your birthday. and I’m going to know it’s your birthday every year for the rest of my life because some things I can’t erase. But that doesn’t mean you still have a place in my heart, because you don’t. And you don’t have a place in my mind either, unless I notice the date and it’s your birthday, or I’m drunk in a bar and that song is playing, or your sister shows up on my newsfeed. So what I’m saying is at this point you’re just muscle memory and that muscle just happens to be my heart.

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Sometimes all you can do is keep telling yourself it’s not the end of the world until it actually isn’t.

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Our lives go by in seconds. One day you’re begging the last 40 seconds of your peloton workout to go by faster and then you blink and you have two kids and your 40th birthday is next week and those 40 seconds that felt like they’d never end were ten years ago. So next time you find yourself wishing you could fast forward time just remember that pretty soon you’ll be wishing you could slow it down. Don’t take one second of right now for granted because one day you’re staring at the clock in detention in 7th grade and it feels like time is going by so slow and somehow those minutes turn into years and all of a sudden you’re picking up your own kid from the 7th grade dance and you have no idea how you got there at all

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Are you like me? You do something you don't want to do because you don't have the capacity or the energy to say no. But in the morning, you take a shower, change your sheets, and pretend it never happened. You think I don't know you but I do. You sleep with other people to change how you feel about that one person who doesn't love you back. But that doesn't work. You want to hate him but then there will be one moment that gives you the slightest hope that he's who you want him to be. He never is and he never will be, but you fall for it anyway and hate yourself for it instead.