ibenarchive

[ibenarchive]

Jeg er et voldtægtsoffer der er ligeglad med din svært basiske mening

Okay, så først og fremmest vil jeg gerne tale om dag og nat. Jeg kan bedst lide natten, fordi om natten sover alle de basiske kællinger med en ph-værdi på 14. Dette betyder selvfølgelig at verden i nogle timer, hver nat, er et bedre og mere fredfyldt sted. Basiske kællinger gør mig udmattet, især når de taler om avocado og grønkål- Skal vi ikke hellere tale om stjernerne? De er meget flottere at se på, og så ved vi heller ikke så meget om det ydre rum endnu, der er uendelige teorier om det, og det er noget man kan tale om i timevis! Jeg er selv fra det ydre rum, lang herfra , og jeg ved ikke en skid om universet. Nogen gange undrer jeg mig over hvorfor det lige præcis var Jorden jeg blev ledt hen til. Altså, jeg ved det jo egentlig godt… Jeg skal selvfølgelig gøre verden til et bedre sted, og få de basiske kællingers svært basiske ph-værdi ned til, i hvert fald, en god næsten neutral 8’er, så kan de fokusere mere på deres medmennesker, i stedet for grøntsagerne og Kylie Jenner lipkits.

Nårh, men tilbage til nat og dag. Jeg kan jo som tidligere nævnt bedst lide natten.  Min far og jegs naboer synes altid det er underligt at lyset er tændt hos os natten lang. Men jeg har bestemt mig for at være ligeglad med hvad andre synes om mig. Det er jo ikke mit problem, vel? Det er ligesom dem der har et problem, og det har jeg altså ikke tid til at tage mig af.

Faktisk så har jeg besluttet mig for at være ligeglad med hvad andre tænker om mig. Min nye livstil føles allerede meget mere tilpas for mig. Jeg tog beslutningen i går da jeg var til psykolog. Jeg går hos en krisepsykolog fordi jeg blev voldtaget tilbage i november 2016. Det var sgu ikke en sjov oplevelse, nej, det var faktisk tæmmeligt traumatisk, men jeg lærte også nogle vigtige ting om mig selv. Jeg er et helt andet menneske i dag i forhold til den person jeg var for 4 måneder siden. Jeg har været temmelig miserabel de sidste 9-10 år af mit liv fordi jeg har fokuseret alt for meget på hvordan andre ser mig. Efter at ham der voldtog mig ikke respekterede mine mange udtryk for at jeg ikke havde lyst til at have samleje med ham, og jeg forlod min krop indtil jeg vågnede af smerte i de nedre regioner, og derefter skulle gå igennem en svært traumatisk tid hvor hele min tilværelse føltes uvirkelig i månedsvis, har jeg valgt at benytte den uvirkelige tilstand til at forlade den virkelige verden (som jeg i øvrigt synes er utroligt kedelig), og leve i min egen fantasiverden. Nu kan jeg ikke andet end at grine af folk når de siger til mig ’’Jamen det kan du ikke, du kan ikke bare gøre hvad der passer dig!’’ – Så tænker jeg bare; hvorfor ikke? Prøv at se på mig, jeg gør lige hvad der passer mig nu, haha, din kedelige ko, måske skulle du fokusere mere på dine hvide IKEA møbler i stedet for mig?

Forresten så har jeg også valgt at være ligeglad med at jeg ikke skriver ligeså godt som en forfatter. Men altså, når det kommer til kunst, så er der jo ikke nogen regler. Derfor synes jeg også at vi skal fokusere på, i fremtiden, at fjerne muligheden for at kommentere på billeder og videoer på internettet. Helt ærligt, bruger mrbumblebee69 på youtube, tror du selv der er nogen der bryder sig om at læse din ligegyldige mening om hvorfor du ikke kan lide Britney Spears? Nej vel? Brug dog de 2 minutter du skriver kommentaren i, på at lave dig selv en rugbrødsmad i stedet, det er meget sundere.

[ibenarchive]

20/08/16

I have been at my new school for six days now. Yesterday we had our intro party where the teachers and school staff also attended and they got pretty drunk with the students. The school secretary started asking me innapropriate questions regarding my gender even though she was well aware that I am transgender. I told her how I think gender is a social construct and how I think it is unhealthy to raise children in gendered rules. She kept arguing with how God created the male and female and how in nature a lion’s life revolves around reproducing. I told her humans are advanced enough to choose whether or not they want children. Is my best friend not a woman because she has chosen not to have children? Is a sterile individual not a real person because they can not reproduce? I sometimes forget how permeated this planet is with the concept of gender, gender roles and unwritten rules. I asked what her mission was in life. She told me she had never thought about it. I told her that I too believe in God, but not God in the human form that the bible talks about. I believe in a higher power, I believe my soul is eternal and my time here is temporary. I believe my mum is still with me spiritually, I believe God put me on this planet to make a difference. My mission is to change the world for the better. I do not want to push an agenda on people I simply want to express my feelings and thoughts through my art because whether or not you agree with me, the work will speak for itself and it will make you think about life differently.

She told me what people have always been telling me, that I am confused, but I disagree. What I believe in is not something I decided to believe in from one day to another, it is a result of my experiences with discrimination since I was a child and how people always have tried to analyse and put me in a certain category. The reason why many experience midlife crises is probably because they never allowed themselves to be truly free and always strived to be in one certain box. I told her I am not confused and I never chose to ‘’change’’ my gender, I simply chose to remove what the doctors and my parents categorized me as. I am still the same person but with five years of more experience. I chose to have no gender, to have no identity because to me that is the ultimative freedom. I can go through life and reinvent myself time after time. It is funny to me how people tell me I am just going through an identity crisis. To me they are going through and identity crisis as they unknowingly struggle everyday to fit in the society they were born into.

I am not confused, I am simply just free to do whatever I want with my life, and I just want to help people. 

[ibenarchive]

and so i wake up. i haven’t slept. my dreams didn't make me rest. all i felt was stress around me. i’m climbing a mountain and i am close falling to my own death. you’re following me. i try my best to hurry up so you won't fall either. out of fright i keep checking up on you. you look beautiful. i finally get to the top and i try helping you climb up here. you don’t even look me in the eye. i keep talking to you. i keep cheering you on. you can make it! i stretch my arms out ready for you to grab them so you can be safe with me. you look me dead in the eye and let go. you would rather die than touch or talk to me. i scream as i watch you fall to your own death. my tears follow you on your way down. i don’t understand why you left me, but here i am. alone. i spend eternity wondering why you hate me.

[ibenarchive]

me drinking vodka by ibi makienok

[ibenarchive]

The Twins

No Identity will be the second part of a trilogy that I am making documenting my transition and depression throughout my late teens. No Identity being the honest and subjective point of view documenting everything as I experienced it myself. It will be colourful and it will be very dark, celebrating everything from the freedom in having no identity to documenting the dark relationship I have within myself when I selfharm. 

Thinking about how I experience having different personas/personalities I thought how conjoined twins would work as a great metaphor for sharing one body with someone else. It’s not that I suffer from schizophrenia or anything similar to that- I frankly just believe we all have different sides to our souls but sadly it feels like society is trying to teach us that it is only ok to embrace one of them. I started writing love songs dedicated to myself because I have never experienced being in love with anyone. Spending a lot of time by myself I truly developed a strange relationship within myself. I would start noticing how my right hand would always comfort me while crying, almost like another part of me took over to comfort the part of me that was suffering.

So in 2014 I created a demo film of The Twins- The twins will not be used until I release anything from No Identity which will come after I release Fake It Till You Make It which is the dishonest superficial tale of how depression is like wearing a mask at times. The twins will probably be in most of the musicvideos from the No Identity EP.

The third and final part of the trilogy I will not release anything about online for now.

[ibenarchive]

i'm in the local bog all alone !! it's raining and everything is wet but i'm still enjoying it out here.. just me and mother nature :))

[ibenarchive]

a new beginning

boy oh boy have i changed a lot throughout the last year.. it is time for me to grow up. i can’t reblog silly stuff forever and it is time for me to stop focusing on meaningless shit and focus on my career and work. i’m starting musical theatre school in a month and i’ve promised myself to dedicate my life to my art. i want to be taken seriously and the time for me to start is now.

ofc i couldn't leave tumblr.. after all i’ve been on this website for 6 years and i’ve had a lot of good times here. i’ve met some amazing people here and i hope most of my mutuals will follow my new path on this blog.

this blog will be way more personal. i will post my art, whether if it’s my music, lyrics, poems, photography, film, drawings or just personal posts about my life, you can find it here! i will still reblog other posts as well!

i just really needed a new blog and a new beginning, and at this point i don’t care that i will be loosing a lot of followers, cuz i’d rather have a small audience that i communicate with than having 1k followers that don’t even bother to like or reply to my personal posts.. 

to everyone who is joining me on this new blog, thank you, ily <3 if you’re a mutual i will follow back ofc.

lots of hugs and kisses from iben

x