icreatedconsciousness

[icreatedconsciousness]

Jerry Broke Time and All I Got Was This Lousy Renaissance Apocalypse

The Temporal Maintenance Department

INCIDENT REPORT #4,729,381 Department of Temporal MaintenanceStardate: Tuesday (Layer 8, Sublayer 3)

TO: Director of Existential IT

FROM: Jerry Kowalski, Junior Time TechnicianRE: Critical Failure in Recursive Time Layer 9

Sir,

I regret to inform you that I have accidentally broken time again.

It started when I was performing routine maintenance on the Biological Time Layer (Layer 3). Some asshole had been speed-running their midlife crisis and created a temporal feedback loop in Sublayer 12 (Lifetime developmental arc). Standard procedure, right? Just recalibrate the circadian rhythms and reset the hormonal cascade.

But here's where it gets weird. I was using the new Quantum Time Wrench™ (you know, the one from the Planck-scale toolkit) when I accidentally cross-threaded the Narrative Time Layer (Layer 5) with the Cultural Time Layer (Layer 6).

Now every Tuesday is simultaneously the Renaissance AND the apocalypse. The coffee machine keeps dispensing mead, and Karen from accounting won't stop speaking in iambic pentameter about her quarterly reports. Also, everyone's wearing those weird ruffled collars but they're made of recycled plastic because we're apparently also in a post-climate-disaster future.

The Psychological Time Layer (Layer 4) is completely fucked. People are experiencing their childhood trauma in real-time while simultaneously having their mid-life crisis and retirement anxiety. Bob from Security is currently 8 years old, 45, and 73 simultaneously. He's both crying about his lost teddy bear and complaining about his 401k.

I tried to fix it by adjusting the Relativistic Time Layer (Layer 7), but that just made everything worse. Now the break room exists in a gravitational time dilation field where lunch break lasts 6 months but also negative 3 seconds. The sandwich I made this morning is both perfectly fresh and archaeologically significant.

The Cosmic Time Layer (Layer 8) is sending me passive-aggressive notifications about entropy violations. Apparently, I've caused the heat death of the universe to happen next Thursday, but also never, but also it already happened last Tuesday (the Renaissance apocalypse one).

And don't even get me started on the Recursive Time Layer (Layer 9). It's become self-aware and keeps leaving me sticky notes that say things like "Remember when you broke time? That's now. Also then. Also always." It's developed a personality and I think it's depressed.

The 13 Temporal Pillars are completely out of alignment. Continuity is on strike, Irreversibility is working backwards, Simultaneity is arguing with itself, and Birth/Death has submitted a transfer request to the Spatial Dimensions Department.

I've tried turning it off and on again, but "off" apparently means "primordial void" and "on" means "everything that has ever happened occurring at once in the supply closet."

The worst part? The Atomic Time Layer (Layer 2) is still working perfectly, so all the clocks are running normally while reality is having a complete breakdown. It's like watching the Titanic sink while your wristwatch keeps perfect time.

I'm currently writing this report from 17 different time periods simultaneously. My past self is really disappointed in me, my present self is having an existential crisis, and my future self apparently becomes a time-traveling insurance adjuster who specializes in causality claims.

Please advise. Also, could you approve my request for hazard pay? I think I accidentally created a temporal union and they're demanding better working conditions across all possible timelines.

Attached:

47 complaint forms from various versions of myself

A bill from the Cosmic Time Layer for entropy damage

A love letter from the Recursive Time Layer (it's... complicated)

One (1) Renaissance apocalypse turkey leg (still warm)

Current Status: All of time is broken, but at least it's Tuesday

DIRECTOR'S RESPONSE:

Jerry,

This is the third time this month. You're fired.

Also hired. Also you were never born. Also you're the new Director of Temporal Maintenance as of last Thursday.

Please report to HR immediately in all possible timelines.

-Director Jenkins/The Cosmic Horror That Was Once Jenkins/Future Jerry

P.S. - The coffee machine is supposed to dispense mead on Tuesdays. That's not a bug, that's a feature from the Cultural Time Layer update. Read the patch notes.