idaaadivock

[idaaadivock]

tw: sh ideation, mentions of blood

how do i quantify loss? mathematically, it's just something being subtracted from your life. just one. maybe more than one, depending on the situation. but the difference between person and object is large. it looms over me.

i watched neeraj chopra win silver for our country and look so exhausted. the weight of the flag is too much for one person to bear by themselves. my mum wants me at the olympics. "you'll win," she says in hindi, "i believe in you." and the first tear slips down my face. if i had to bear that tricolor of blood and beauty and victory, i would want her there to do it with me.

the whole time i said "don't leave me," "what will i do without you," "nobody likes me except for you." she thinks i'm just a silly girl, an adult in age but a child in every way that matters. what she doesn't realize is that i am her child. just hers. nobody else's.

i told her about my intrusive thoughts. about how i want to kill myself in front of my father, and then maybe he'll shut up forever. maybe he won't tell her about her attitude and her lack of devotion to the home or whatever the fuck. i'll be dead so i wouldn't know, but i told her i think it might make it better for her.

she doesn't understand. her ego death was peaceful, eased by her deep belief in the kindness of the world. mine was teeth and nails and left me torn. about everything, in every way. my eyes are open even when they're blocking out the sun. the world is filled with people who do not care. nature cannot be reasoned with. the odds were stacked against us as a race to evolve at all. and yet.

and fucking yet.

i don't know what i will do without her. she's the only person i trust enough to see me weak and pathetic and blubbering while clutching her hands like a lifeline. she gave me life. i didn't ask for it. i hate being alive some days. most days. almost every day. but if i have to suffer through life, i'm just glad i got to meet her. that she is my mother and friend and sister and everything.

one day when you're watching me at the olympics, mamma, i'll show you just how strong you've made me. i'll show you i can be someone even without you. i know you worry about me. i'll show you i can be brave. i'll go on, i'll live life, i'll take care of t. i'll take your place in the cycle and change everything for the better.

maybe it's better if i miss you now instead of then.

[idaaadivock]

my nail beds don't bleed these days. i sleep. i eat. i drink water. i spend all my waking hours convincing myself i am alive what do you mean you can't feel it just come back to yourself

staring at the back of my eyelids isn't fun anymore. the lovely old kaleidoscope of warmth is gone. my nails get in the way of typing and scrolling on my phone and petting my dogs. i wash my hands more and more often to keep my nails clean. the dirt that gets under them never washes out.

passion is just a word. passion passion passion. pass ion. pass on. everything comes back full circle to my bad place. if death comes for me i am unprepared. what if i don't get a good grade in dying? since that is a totally normal thing that is definitely possible. how can i prepare for something that only happens once?

people may die in front of me as long as i am alive. i may stain my hands with blood and use the lather as soap. but my death is my end. what if i am ungraceful? ungainly? what if the world does not find me beautiful even after i am gone? the comments will rush in: "oh how clumsy," "what an unlucky girl," "she took the coward's way out," "think of her family," "freak." and yet.

and yet.

i'm still lost. aimless. drifting. i have nothing. i have everything. i feel nothing. i feel too much. i am organized. my room is a mess and i hate it. i have ambitions. i'm lazy. someone come and change my life for me, please. i hate everyone. i have love overflowing from my cup. i am magic. i am strength. i am courage. i am mundane and weak and a traitor to my own resolve.

if the blood is meant to stain, then i might as well make a splash. my nail beds don't bleed anymore. but the blood under my nails isn't mine. it is not for somebody else to decide if i am worth it.

[idaaadivock]

and what if I told you nine was less afraid of love than ten. what then.

[idaaadivock]

[gets four notes on dune post]

me to my family: I'M FAMOUSJSHSJS

[idaaadivock]

not to talk about dune on main but like. lisan al-gaib became an instant meme in the theater i was at. like great acting amazing music (thank you hans zimmer you're a real one) phenomenal photography and setting and fight choreography

but stilgar's LISAN AL-GAIB in every circumstance possible was so funny it made the whole theater erupt into laughter directly after the fight with feyd-rautha which is supposed to be like. poignant ig and powerful and an overall vibe

y'all hit the wrong vibe besties 😭😭

[idaaadivock]

me to myself when i'm trying to get off the floor after my legs go numb

(i needed to hear this today and i'm glad i did)

you're not stuck. it's not over. you can claw yourself out again and again. find strength in yourself. find strength in others whom you can trust. the fight isn't over until you're dead.

[idaaadivock]

breaking news: local has breakdown at 10am over four sentences total

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

[idaaadivock]

6. call the mansion not a house but a tomb

reblog if you

were there on the day they sold the cards for the queen

ran from the cops

are just a sad song with nothing to say

watched your hero sell a car on TV

never learned a goddamn thing

[idaaadivock]

i hope ebony dark’ness dementia raven way, age 33, is enjoying the my chemical romance comeback and live tour,

[idaaadivock]

I never left my emo phase, it just matured into dark academia like fine wine

[idaaadivock]

if all my enemies threw a party would you light the candles would you drink the wine AND WOULD YOU TE-LE-VI-SION

[idaaadivock]

hot artists don't gatekeep

I've been resource gathering for YEARS so now I am going to share my dragons hoard

Floorplanner. Design and furnish a house for you to use for having a consistent background in your comic or anything! Free, you need an account, easy to use, and you can save multiple houses.

Comparing Heights. Input the heights of characters to see what the different is between them. Great for keeping consistency. Free.

Magma. Draw online with friends in real time. Great for practice or hanging out. Free, paid plan available, account preferred.

Smithsonian Open Access. Loads of free images. Free.

SketchDaily. Lots of pose references, massive library, is set on a timer so you can practice quick figure drawing. Free.

SculptGL. A sculpting tool which I am yet to master, but you should be able to make whatever 3d object you like with it. free.

Pexels. Free stock images. And the search engine is actually pretty good at pulling up what you want.

Figurosity. Great pose references, diverse body types, lots of "how to draw" videos directly on the site, the models are 3d and you can rotate the angle, but you can't make custom poses or edit body proportions. Free, account option, paid plans available.

Line of Action. More drawing references, this one also has a focus on expressions, hands/feet, animals, landscapes. Free.

Animal Photo. You pose a 3d skull model and select an animal species, and they give you a bunch of photo references for that animal at that angle. Super handy. Free.

Height Weight Chart. You ever see an OC listed as having a certain weight but then they look Wildly different than the number suggests? Well here's a site to avoid that! It shows real people at different weights and heights to give you a better idea of what these abstract numbers all look like. Free to use.

[idaaadivock]

i miss being young. i was never tired then. not like this anyway. young tired was sleepy and warm and sweat cooling down in an air conditioned room because i don't want to shower right now ma i'll fall asleep and then what. it was when i closed my eyes and drifted away for an uninterrupted romp through my dreamscapes, even if they tended to be a bad thrill.

tired now is an ache in the bones, a cork in the esophagus, a bottled-up heart, a sluggish brain. old hurts and new grievances tangled together in a macabre parody of healing, of kindness, of patience. it is closing my eyes and waiting to drift but realizing that the dreamscapes i once loved are just mirrored rooms now. all they show is me. and that is enough to keep me awake.

i'm tired of being tired.

let sleep come easy, one day.