idkhowbutthisusernameexists

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

This anxiety keeps following me. I usually try to ignore it and power through but it doesn't get easier. The thing with exposition is to have positive experiences. Mine are at best neutral, so it's no wonder I want to run and hide every time I feel it. I just want to say, to me, if not to anyone else, that it's just an emotion and it can't kill you. When you have enough energy for that, sit with it and feel it. Then you can walk away. It goes away, in the end.

I wish it was different, but it's this way.

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

Broken situationship just texted to meet up oh the irony

Like dude no no dude no girl no

In love with coffee and noone else

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

In love with coffee and noone else

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

wrote a song

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

did i do enough? ive been doing what i can with what i have but did i do my best? my best seems to escape

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

it's hard for me to wait for the changes to come organically, at many points i feel like i need to force them. i'm not sure this is right.

but maybe those points are when i feel ready? anyway

if i don't make myself sleep, will i fall asleep? coming up with a funner way to say this, is salt salty on its own or is the saltiness in the mouth of the salt taster

that doesn't make sense. do i have agency?

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

Una and the Lion (from Spenser's 'The Faerie Queene'), circa 1860

William Bell Scott

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

plans for this week:

not die

go to classes

1 French class

remember that i am writing a thesis

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

upcoming week to-do list

meet my major leader and ask about supervisor

meet my major leader again and ask the same thing bc he will forget

read Yu (18 pages)

read Siegler (10 pages)

read Siskin (30 pages, half of the doc)

revise notes on PoT

volunteer at the picnic

French, 1

French, 2

go to all classes

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

7/09/2024

Did my best at the last class of the week. We discussed media and ways of seeing. I realized I should check the length of the readings beforehand because yesterday night it turned out I needed to read 50 pages before today.

Visited an Intro to Sociology class. Guys are reading Durkheim. It was fun :)

Now, rest...

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

A moodboard I made of ideas that should help with a healthier sleep schedule.

It's September 6th, 2024.

I am thinking of the way this week has gone by, and it seems that I am falling into the same routine of being just barely productive enough but ultimately unhappy. What needs to change?

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

I finished Piranesi today, once again (Russian audiobook this time). The Beauty of the House is immeasurable, its Kindness infinite. I wanted to cry and laugh when I heard that for the last time, the sentiment being repeated about this world. The child has grown with its House. I suppose leaving the university must feel somewhat similar. I think that the metaphor somehow reaches me faster than the common explanation. Love this book. Love it. 

I ate too much, this often happens at night. Means I'm undereating during the day. 

Random memory: Emile praised our presentation, said it was “good stuff”. I have a neurotic tendency to think what Nadya might think of anything I perform. I’m going to the bath now.

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

TODAY'S GHOST DROP FOR THOSE WHO COULDN'T MAKE IT

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

Every night I die with regrets. I wish I listened to more music today, I wish I created something today, I wish I was happier today. Hey, shut up. You are welcome to do all of that tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and whenever you want in the future. And if you die suddenly, you won’t be able to care any longer.

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

If you see this on your dashboard, reblog this, NO MATTER WHAT and all your dreams and wishes will come true.

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

be afraid of what I am (mentally ill and willing to live)

[idkhowbutthisusernameexists]

I have strong opinions regarding the walrus/fairy poll