iexistfor1post

[iexistfor1post]

I fucking hate everything 😭

My mom and sibling got into a wreck (they are fine), but I can't even get mad at the lady you swerved into them as she probably had a stroke as she apparently doesn't remember anything

So I am crying and crying as I want my mom

My mom and sibling could have died, and my car is done for, and now I will have to go into work today

I am just cycling through crying and feeling blank

I just woke up....

I've upset my dad because I worrying about my car and "materiel possessions" I can replace

Mom and sibling was just on the phone with me and fine, and again I Just Woke Up

As soon as shit settled I am really upset

I wish I was asleep:((((

I worry and worry because I just don't know how things actually work, and I need to know the steps, or I worry even more

I just want those things to be perfect all the time, nothing going wrong

Like mom and dad are supposed to be going on vacation soon, and now they have to deal with this :((

I wasn't even in the wreck, and i'm scared this is gonna make me more nervous to drive.

Mom didn't do anything wrong and the universe said fuck you :(

You can tell i'm young, 'cause I don't know how the insurance shit will work here

[iexistfor1post]

Mom and Sister still say they think I am autistic lol

Which.... maybe

I still don't think so, but mom clearly sees something as it has been over a year at this point

[iexistfor1post]

AHHHH

I really need to start taking my anxiety pills again as I am wallowing in anxiety atm as I am trying to go to bed

Downloaded a game and didn't realize how social I would have to be especially since I am in a leader position and so I am kinda da panicking???

I just made someone who hasn't been nice and helpful like the highest rank besides me

Yet talking with them is still like anxiety haha 😔

"How didn't you know?" I WAS swindled by game ad :((

It is very different but I like other aspects besides this one giving me anxiety

Also because I know how I am and I know I will not be able to stick to this game forever so ;//

[iexistfor1post]

OH

Iwas rereading the previous post and I was right to be worried as my niece stole him and gave him a way

I got it back but she has definitely stole 3 other stuffed animals

=

Other updates

Still bad at taking pills

I am doing something slightly out of my comfort zone and I am feeling slightly panicky but also very excited

I drew something and the person is like my collab partner as they are digitizing it and coloring it

This is with a person I don't really talk to on discord!

(I say like I don't normally only directly talk to 1 person)

...

Also I need to know why I squeak when excited

I am playing a chiller game and that still somehow is making me feel something, like I want to be good at it but I get bro3d so I am not completing goals

It is literally just Virtual Families 3

I also keep internally yelling at myself as there is like 50 things I want to do but I just am not for some reason

I want to do it but I am procrastinating

I also have been a bit more snippy lately and idk why

Like work is the same old and while I find d someone annoying I normally am not snippy as I don't hate hearing them chat but this week I have been all ugh and snippy

Why do I do this week tired and it is bedtime

[iexistfor1post]

Honestly I never put a lot of thought into if I have autism or adjd

Yes I know I went on a tanget before

It just isn't often as I am very anxious and I suck at taking my pills

Like I used to be good but I have been struggling as while I was able to get it down lately I have stggled more so I uh have done the bad thing and haven't taken it in ahile...

Bad to topic it is just with what I read of adhd in women and kinda in general is think it fits

Mom says she thinks I am autistic and I don't think so but I have taken many dumb online quizzes and...

Adhd ones are like for sure but talk to a doctor while autism ones are "maybe! Tlak to a doctor"

More specific they are like you seem to be here in the spectrum of symptoms so maybe you have it

It is just reading the symptoms I just don't believe it personally though I haven't looked in awhile at the symptoms

Either way from what I can tell and apparently my mom and sister (as the only ones to verbally say anything/tell me) I am definitely not neurotypucal 🫠 /lh

Oml today in a discord I shared some art i did and I expect another user to comment their thoughts as we have to do that to post their art

But dude it was the discord owner and youtuber you complemented and commented

I immediately wanted to squeel shake my hands and also delete the drawings as I hate being acknowledged apparently

(I have known that aI used to be that way about my rt but this was a step up and I guess I internally exploded in emotions or something)

Me: slightly shake hands and wait till outside to squeel

Another fun (not) thing is last week I didn't want to work at all cuz I was just feeling so frustrated with people and machines. I just wanted to squeeze something and I gained a headache

...

I really should take meds for my anxiety meds as my anxiety is killing me again

Last night I couldn't sleep as I was that worried about a stuffed animal 💀

Hopefully i finally get to talk with my doctor this week as the previous 2 times she got sick and so it was canceled 🙃

I am pretty sure both times I had things I wanted to ask and say and well I have forgotten 😔 suucckss

[iexistfor1post]

2nd time in a year my mom says she thinks I have autism 😎

Which ok mom

[iexistfor1post]

I have just feeling bad lately.And it's not because I am sick at the moment. I'm just feeling so frustrated at everything

Did I do partially?Think it's because of the time changes

I don't know what else would be making me so frustrated

Work is getting me annoyed

Me being sick is getting me annoyed

I just don't know, maybe things are changing and i'm hating it

I just wish I feel better in general, sopn

[iexistfor1post]

...

Again the more I learn about ADHD the more I see myself in some of the symptoms

Like I just learned about emotional regulation going out the window with puberty is a possible symptom of adhd

Which guess what I cannot regulate my emotion at all, if I get upset I have trouble calming down

As the dude said most people pass it off as menstruation but like I'm not always on it haha

The only thing I don't think fits is that I am so anxious I always try to be early to things and if I'm not I start panicking

That could literally just be because of my anxiety

It's still so strange too. See myself in the symptoms simply.Because I really do not want to have it

Like it is clear it sits in my brain because my brother has it and I see how disorganized I am and how I have trouble staying on topic for longer than a month sometimes less

I get really attached to things.

Including media as I have been attached to FNAF for a decade now

I know volume control is also a symptoms I believe but I don't understand that one

Like When I am comfortable I am loud if I'm not then I am quiet

Like another symptoms is spaceyness which I am but again my anxiety makes me so wired that can't relax 🙃

I bought some 3d printed fidget toys, Which I love my dragon

I don't know if they're really doing their job

I do feel bad for people sometimes when they listen to me as I talk and talk about something many things

My poor younger brother who i have made listen to me for over an hour

*also my poor co workers lol)

Wait I am actively listening to a video about woman adhd symptoms

Separation anxiety is part of it????

Like I don't think i fit that 100% as if it is somewhere I am comfortable I don't hate going

... wait but I still want someone to come with even if it is to chat

I also don't want to live on my own and I still cling to my parents despite being in my early 20s

In 8th grade when going on a school trip i had a panic attacking as soon as mom left me at school

Like this was a trip away in another state for a couple days and I didn't panic when I was there

However my anxiety (in general) has gotten worse as I grew which is why I take meds now

💀

I don't think I have depression though.I could probably have seasonal depression though, as fall does get to me sometimes

Also my brother who is diagnosed and is a dude I think he has mostly innatinvie symptoms

Though he takes meds so 🤷

I'm not him so

I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned before. That's starting in fifth or sixth grade is when the first day of school and sometimes 2nd day also that I would feel sick cuz of nerves

Which with what I know now, I think there could be something similar to panic attacks

The thing by doctor calls a panic attack.I never considered one so

But apparently throwing up from nerves is considered a panic attack

Oh the dude just said something that hit onl

"Just apply yourself " <- in relation to what people tell young girls with have adhd symptoms

The thing is, I never quite struggled, but that's still hits home

Well I was mostly on my phone senior year but I was still getting As and Bs

Actually, I don't think I really ever studied for school

So I don't know how that relates

I never really struggling but that's is because I barely tried if I didn't want to

Mostly after 5th grade where I hated all the books we needed to read

So I think it was in seventh grade. My parents were like. We will take your phone away if you don't do your schoolwork, so

Which then I did the work because I wanted my phone

I do think if I do have adhd that the phone exacerbated issues as I got a phone at the end of 6th grade

I have always been a little distracted, which I hated because I wanted to be a goody two shoes in my younger grades and then around 6th i was like this sucks I hate school

Apply myself lol , I was never studious so that still makes me laugh

Getting good grades made it that I never studied as I was rewarded for not studying

I'm pretty sure this is why I don't feel a drive to go to college

Oh, so in the comments of the video was talking about how drawing was there focus in a nd I drew all over my papers also in school and I still do

I work in retail and i've literally been told.Please don't draw

🫠

Oh the vid:

10:15 -> Ouch /lh

Fun factI've been typing this for forty minutes.From only ten minutes through this video

I keep rewind things.I keep missing something

I don't really have self image issues, but everything else hits really bad with that paragraph

I cannot do anything without feeling overwhelmed sometimes

I think that's worth my anxiety though, but like it could be hand in hand if I have adhd

Cause again I am not officially diagnosed

I just have a known family link to it, a friend many years ago mentioning to me that she seems similar symptoms she has in me, and the fact that I am kinda curious if I do but fear having to take meds

Like the only reason why I take anxiety meds now is it got so bad that I was having throw up every time that I had to do something that made me anxious

13:08

Ah hormones haha

Love that women's bodies just naturally fluctuate, and that affects everything /sar

Being on my period sucks (which I currently am )

Oh so because puberty stopped i lost the happy juice/j (14:10)

14:25

...

I've always been a little impulsive, but uh I became really impulsive and bought a lot of stuff online

Yeah, I learned my lesson and so i'm now trying to rein in that impulsivity, even though I strove about a few things after I said I would chill

I did learn my lesson, which is why I buy less stuff and actually doing better

That's because the anxiety of not being able to pay off my credit cards scared me

So yay for anxiety i guess

(I'm ace btw. Repulsed)

But yeah, no I was still kind of in a innatintive until I reached adulthood and puberty stopped

So is that a thing against me having adhd or???

Cause really? I've just grown more anxious over by growing up.

I was a little hyper as a kid and then chilled as I liked school once upon a time and so I wanted to be good

Once I moved schools, I think, is what it became less hyper as new environment that made me anxious

I don't know

Even if I don't have it, this is still an interesting thing to watch

15:30

I have felt anxious since fifth grade so like 12(?) Years old

I still think that's more from me moving

It could have got worse later on because puberty, I guess

However, didn't get worse until last year.This year?

Whatever anxiety is a strange thing

🙃 17:01

Ouch /lh

I never did extracurriculars though

17: 35

Me in school when doing homework or projects

Also, part of the reason why I occasionally try and give myself a deadline for something I really we wanna do for myself

18:40

I struggle with math, but oh no, that paragraph

I made friends because I need to talk with people but literally, i'm not close with any of those people still

I don't go out and hang out with anyone

Again, I really am bad at regulating my emotions

Why am I trying to figure this out...

I do think I am lazy.

I would rather never work a day in my life

No romantic relationships for me btw just cause this video is mostly about baseline I guess

22:24

Oh yeah. No I don't really think i'm a great friend simply because I just don't hang out with anyone ever

Like, you have to invite me 'cause if not that i'm just going to stay holed up in my house

Or hang out with my family or go to work

Like, i'm pretty sure I actually have no friends /lh

Just acquaintances

By the way, listening to all this s*** about men and women makes me really glad that my dad is the main person who goes around and does the grocery shopping

My mom normally ends up buying something we already have

Then forgetting something we need haha

My parents are great at planning together

Especially when you have all your children saying, I don't know in a answers to most questions haha

24:00

Not a mother, and it's because my anxiety of being late is what causes me to be on timer early

When I went to my younger brothers the school ceremony.I got there exactly at the time it started and I was panicking

The reason was because I had to pick someone else up and dropped them off

They didn't get out on time so I was like :we are gonna be late

Technically we weren't late I guess

But still arriving exactly at the time was not fun

...

Nice to know meds don't always work for everyone

I have lost the plot of this post btw

[iexistfor1post]

Y'all are fucking depressing

I know it will be difficult, but y'all just have some hope I come on here to escape the depressing nature

Yet all you guys are doomposting and making others depressed

You will make it

You made it last time

The world sucks but just have hope and do small things

[iexistfor1post]

The more I take the online tests and read the symptoms of ADHD in woman the more I see myself in those symptoms

(This was getting long, so I added a read"more)

Well most symptoms as I am not one to try really hard if I don't care for the thing

It would make sense for me to have ADHD as one of my older brothers has it

Since I mentioned the online tests

I keep getting moderate to high because surprise i am indecisive with answers so my answers slightly change on what I am feeling atm

I hate the idea of taking meds as I already take anxiety meds (which i think are helping )

At the same time I have no social life

The few symptoms I think don't fit are research rabbit holes because while I look things up and occasionally go deeper I normally just skim a website or 2 for the answer I was looking up

I don't believe how a perfectionist in any way

While I do think I am slightly bad at time (when I am not in a panic) I am someone who has to check my calendar and I always arrive early to stuff

I'm not even joking... kinda cause for years and especially in high school I was like haha I definitely have adhd with how distracted I am

Looking at a actual symptoms list and being told woman mostly have the inattentive kind just... hits

Like folks can tell you when I get excited about what I want to talk about it lose some volume control

The symptom of interrupting made me laugh because I always have to try so hard not to interrupt

I want to speak about something I am obsessed with atm

When people talk about hyperfocus or whatever I never know if it fits because from what I can see when they stop hyper focusing on one thing they move to another

When I get really attached to something and it kinda takes over my life I still interact with other things I love

(Depending on the thing as minecraft anything I really am bad at staying interested when my brain is done focusing on it)

Like currently i am obsessed with warrior cats and all I have been doing for almost a year is drawing cats

Mostly just cats

The year before that was qsmp which that died kinda quickly around the purgatory thing

Back to symptoms

I really do make some small and dumb mistakes just because my brain just didn't wanna work

Like earlier today I was changing the tortise's heat bulb and I forgot how to put the cord behind the tank and instead plugged it in and then was trying to squeeze the lamp behind the tank when there was no space 😅

I really do lose things easily if I just set the item down and didn't put it in a designated spot

I am really bad at directions and while I swear I know my left from my right when I was learning to drive a few years ago my brain apparently forgot 🙃

(I turned left when dad said right for example)

(Also my dad told me directions and I immediately turned the wrong way)

I talk a lot and my coworkers could tell you that... and my family

Which is funny because I am bad at dealing with crowds and loud noises... more specifically at my home though occasionally outside my house it frustrates me

With me getting into online shopping was a bad thing because I am normally good at not impulse buying... too much

Now, however, I am buying too much 😰

My brain can't deal with quiet or peace because I always begin singing

I wish it wasn't Christmas songs atm but better than Yankee Doodle and Oh My Darling Clementine

I know I am fidgety but most of the time it is non intrusive as it is just me playing with my hair ties or hair, even lightly tapping my feet and hands

Also working in retail i also sway my body when I am not leaning on something

...

Though I then begin to kinda swing on the half wall

Yeah unless I have my phone or I am drawing or helping a customer I wiggle a lot

I am a messy person in everywhere but the living room, kitchen, and bathroom

Also dude in school I was (and still am) really bad with procrastination

If something was due at 11:59 I was working from 7pm until then to get it down

Cause like I would start most things, then procrastinate then get it down

Occasionally, with things, I was even looking forward to do

Part of the problem is i have trouble doing multiple things at once

Like with aquabeads I was doing them for like 2 weeks then interest died again

I adore drawing cats however one project i have been doing with someone just has me stuck

They say it sounds like burn out cause I wanna do the thing but can't

which is making me more frustrated because I have been doing other things to chill

Like drawing my own characters, playing a game i haven't in like a year, etc

Then I say "Oh I will draw the cats [in the project] tonight"

Then I just don't ://

They are understanding, but I am not being nice to myself

I have no idea if this is a symptom but man I rarely ever studied in school

Also any "studying" was me cramming stuff into my brain

Yet somehow besides most math and maybe ap __ history I got mostly B's and A's

Somehow in stats i got a B overall and on the midterm despite getting a couple D's on homework

Also Geometry is dumb because I still don't understand it and it was the only class I was ever failing

My algebra 2 teacher imo sucked because this man saw his class not doing the hw and he instead decided to just stop grading hw. If you had it done you could use it on the test

I did the extra credit for that class just to make sure I would keep my c+/b-

Also cause it wasn't math it was just write about something you learned

My brain just buffers when letters are in the mix

Like I can count by 12 in my head fine and I think fractions could be fun

This may be my anxiety but I need lists of things I need to do and occasionally I need step by step directions for my comfort

Man i remember back in 5th grade when someone called me quiet cause dude when I am excited I am loud

Most days I am quiet but that is because I am bad at interacting with people.

I am both loud and quiet

A consistent thing for me haha

But yeah I am a mostly quiet and shy person as I am not comfortable a lot in public

Not like i wouldn't wear pj's out but that is different

When my brain thinks I need social I will chat a lot

Like all the way back in 8th? grade i was alone in a class with no one i knew and like day 3 I started talking and befriending the girl next to me because I just can't stand my brain apparently

I am getting so sleepy 😴

I can make acquaintances but I have trouble saying friends ://

You know i swear i was fine before I moved in 4th grade

I used to go to friends and now I don't 😕

Oh before I forget I do the shaking hands thing when anything make me wound

Which one day a customer asked if I was hurt

I wasn't as I was just frustrated with a coworker so I was trying to I guess shake of the nerves??

Also I don't really know how me having anxiety med affect anything as the websites I read say that yeah lots of women with adhd could also have such and such

I just don't know how it effects me as my memory is bad with a few thinsg

Ok i need to sleep as I am falling asleep typing this

[iexistfor1post]

I man yelled at me at work today 😭

I didn't even get a chance to fucking speak

He asked when the store gets stocked

I can't even answer idk as he gets in my face and points and yells/loudly talks about how his pop(?) Is never stocked

I said sorry sir but Idk and I am not a stocker

How I was polite when I was feeling so mad idk

Once he left my body crashed and I started crying and my head felt dizzy

Fun times :))))

[iexistfor1post]

I still think that anxiety pill is working that well

On Saturday my parents sister and I were going on a trip and I threw up before we went into the restaurant

They asked if I was sick and I said idk

Then after we ate I got sick again

Well guess what

I wasn't sick, and it was my anxiety

All the pill has been doing is muffling it but not getting rid of it

Which I don't believe pills can do but still :/

It may not be just anxiety I have as I have felt meh most of the day

I have gotten reasonable enough sleep these past couple of days that I actually woke up at 8 today

So idk man

[iexistfor1post]

My anxiety will never go away 🙃

I swear to go d this sucks way too much

Why??? Are humans made this way???

[iexistfor1post]

My brain is still feeling anxious today

I really think all the pill does is keep me calm but not rid me of anxiety

It could just be the fact my brain dwells :(

[iexistfor1post]

I forced myself to do the think and my anxiety chilled

I think that the pill keeps me calm but doesn't rid me of anxiety

[iexistfor1post]

We can tell something triggered my anxiety today

Very badly

Like I am chatting fine and acting fine

However I am really dreading something because I want to avoid it but the thing also brings me joy soooo

I wish to hide away 💔

[iexistfor1post]

My anxiety spiked badly

I swear these meds aren't working well

"Oh you've only been taking them for like 2 weeks"

SHHH

That doesn't help the fact that my body in brain are still quite anxious