ifraisoutofherhead

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Anais Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1939-1947

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"Your Creator understands the subtlety of your soul. He knows of all the things you've learnt to hide and silence in the crevices of your heart, so know that you can never truly be alone. Not when you have His Company."

-honeyliruh

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اللَّهُمَّ اهْدِنِي لِأَحْسَنِ الأَخْلاَقِ لَا يَهْدِي لِأَحْسَنِهَا إِلَّا أَنْتَ وَاصْرِفْ عَنِّي سَيِّئَهَا لَا يَصْرِفُ عَنِّي سَيِّئَهَا إِلَّا أَنْتَ

“O Allāh guide me to the best of manners for none guides to them except You. Protect me from bad manners for none protects me except You.”

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Sylvia Plath, from of Sheep in Fog

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Allah agar sabke gunahon se parda hata le toh koi shaqs kabhi kisi ki izzat nhi karega. Beshaq Izzat aur zillat Allah hi deta hai. Gunahon pr parda daalna beshaq Allah ki rehmat ka muzahira hai. Kayi baar hum dusre insaan mein uski kamiyan aur gunahon ko dekhte hain aur phir uss insaan ko bura samajh lete hain lekin mujhe aesa lagta hai keh woh kamiyan dekhne ki taufeek humein issliye di gayi hai keh hum yaad rakhein keh hum sab galtiyan karte hain, gunaah karte hain aur aapne aap ko akela na samjhe aur khushnaseeb bhi samjhe keh humare gunahon pr Allah ne parda rakha hai. Fark sirf yeh hai keh unke gunaah pr parda nhi daala gaya aur aapke gunaah pr parda daala gaya hai aur mumkin hai unke kisi aur gunah pr parda dala gaya hai aur aapka koi aur gunah zahir kiya gaya hai. Hum insaan hain hum Allah ki tarah toh sabko maaf nhi kar sakte na har shaqs ki kamiyon aur gunaahon ko bhula sakte hain lekin humein yeh salahiyat zaroor di gayi hai keh hum dusre keh bare mein har surat-e-haal achcha sochein. Chahein woh insaan naik nazar aata ho ya gunahgaar.

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My heart is not open for people like it used to be.

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"O Allah, forgive my errors, my ignorance and my excess in all my affairs, and what You know better than me of these things. O Allah, forgive all my errors, what I do intentionally or out of my ignorance or in jest and in all that I do. O Allah, forgive me my past and future wrong actions, what I conceal of them and what I divulge. You are the One who puts things ahead and the One who delays them. You have power over all things."

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Some midnight thoughts that compels me to write. I was thinking about the people who are in love and the people who are not.

I believe our heart and our mind are the most powerful creation of God. And i personally believe that all the creation, emotion and everything that exists in the world has an origin. That origin is Allah himself. Everything we feel or do is but a reflection of the Almighty and his attributions.

I feel when a person is in love they unlock the god-like emotion in themselves. An emotion that exists in everyone but only gets to a normal human-like extent until they start to feel it for someone other than themselves. The one who falls in love with someone else gets aware of this feeling as something completely new. Something that makes everything look like it's possible. It makes everything easy and doable. Now suddenly everything feels good and beautiful and there's no extent to this feeling and that's because of its origin. It is a godly emotion. And it feels exactly like that. People who have never been in love can never understand the level of the person who's in love. They think that that person is crazy but in reality he's just elevated. I think this is the only difference between the person who's in love and the person who's not.

And this theory goes for a lot of other emotions in the world as well. People who are stuck on a particular level and lets call it the initial level will never understand the one who's gone way too far from them. People will call you crazy but your emotions can only be understood by you and your lord because they are godly.

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"Time heals all wounds".

Some people don't believe in this saying and even i didn't until this thought appears in my mind. The thought that time is doing its thing and we should respect that. Time will pass and you should move along with it but if you keep looking back and keep breaking the chain by visiting the past over and over again, your wounds will never heal. So time will heal all your wounds only if you will stop messing with the timeline. Stay in the present not in the past.

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We tend to feed our nafs(ego) and believe that we are feeding our soul. And when we feel that we've done something that will bring happiness to our soul, it turns out that we're still not happy that's because we were satisfying our nafs instead of our soul. The things we do for our soul might not immediately show its effect on you but will definitely bring you lasting inner peace in the coming time. While the things you do to satisfy your nafs will bring you a momentary joy and will eventually leave you restless and empty yet again. Everything that involves God and his remembrance are the only source of peace and lasting happiness for us. Everything other than that is nothing but the feeding of our nafs.

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- i want to save the world.

- start with me.

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‎تعلم أن تسامح نفسك

Learn to forgive yourself

Your past and distant self, every mistake and misstep. This world teaches us that our errors are unforgivable. It is only an error if you have not learned from it. Every lesson is a step toward growth and healing. But a lesson cannot appear out of anything. It stems from our faults and without our faults we have nothing to learn and gain in life. We have nothing to prove to Allah.

Self-forgiveness مَغْفِرَةٌ; You have learned to be better, to be wiser and prudent. You at least owe that to yourself.

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وَمَآ أُوتِيتُم مِنَ ٱلْعِلْمِ إِلَّا قَلِيلًۭا

"And of knowledge, you (mankind) have been given only a little.”

-Quran 17:85

So little has been revealed to us. The fact that my soul has been through so much before i was even born, we don't know where we were before we were born, we don't know where we will be after we die. We have indeed given very little knowledge. We shouldn't act like what we know is much and what we don't is less while it's the other way round. When we don't have the ability to comprehend even half of what this universe is, how can we keep wasting our time trying to make sense out of every feeling and thought that goes through our mind? We will only understand what we have the capability to understand. Accepting our limitations is the first step towards wisdom.

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I've had a tough time dealing with depression lately but I'm not going to let it consume me. I'm working hard on myself and i will continue to do so. I've been struggling with my mental health since years now and at this point I'm completely exhausted. I don't like being in this zone. This is the first time i despise this feeling to this extent. I don't want to waste anymore of my time because of this feeling. I don't want to sleep it away or feel it until it's gone rather i want to fix it, i want to do something about it right away. I'm not patient with myself like i used to be before but my mindset has always been like this about my mental issues. I always wanted to fight these feelings. Alot of the healing depends on whether you want to be healed or not and i always knew this. There was a time when i wasn't educated enough about depression and i didn't even know i had it, so i started victimizing myself and started wallowing in self-pity, i even used to crave attention but now I am at a point in my life where i understand that all these feelings meant nothing but diffusion of responsibility. Now i know that it is your responsibility to heal despite the hurt and trauma caused to you by others. Even after being sabotaged by others, it is still your responsibility to be vigilant with your mental health. I know a few people who think of depression as an unchangeable and despondent state of mind but we need to understand it's a mental condition that you are capable of fighting with the right means, support and knowledge.

Out of the few things i could do about my mental health given my circumstances, I've been working out and it's been great for my mental health. It helps alot really. When I'm feeling low there are small things that have been helpful like getting up from bed and engaging in any kind of activity. I've been closely observing my mental illness and what i can do about it since the last two-three years. I understand my pattern and my triggers and what helps me but this illness is so complicated that you can't pin point stuff. It keeps on changing and keeps getting more difficult with the passing time. But I'm not here to give up. I want to tell myself that I've made a lot of progress. I've come a far way. I will fight this. I'm not who i used to be and i won't be that person again. I know better. I am better.

And I'm posting this here so that someone can benefit from this. Just keep going and start with accepting and understanding your problem and helping yourself first.

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Something my father always says.

كن خيراً و سيعود الخير لك.

Do good and good will come to you.