ilovetowritei

[ilovetowritei]

The Flowers - Part 3

For the first time, Grizz saw the practical difficulty in loving a deaf man. In Sam’s state he couldn’t focus on Grizz’s lips or hands, couldn’t understand anything that the was trying to say. They were completely unable to communicate.

And yet.

Grizz pulled Sam down onto his lap again and, with one arm around his hips to hold him there and another holding his hand. He placed that hand against his throat and started humming. The sensation of someones hand against his throat made him feel strangely vulnerable, and Grizz did his best to not show his nerves.

Becca looked on. In another life, in another world, the scene before her would have made her blush, been stock to tease Sam about later. But here and now, her best friend was in pain and this man sitting on her couch might be the only one who could pull him from this hole. Never had she felt so grateful.

Slowly, Sam quieted. The vibrations against his hand caught his attention, a gentle, comfortable rhythm making it’s way from his palm to his brain and slowing his heart. He became aware of Grizz’s throat beneath his hand, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed when he paused. He leant back, closing his eyes as he let his head fall back against Grizz’s shoulder.

They sat like that as Grizz finished his song, the hum fading out.

Sam. Grizz turned him gently.

“Campbell will realise. And he’ll destroy this.” Sam’s voice was croaky from the tears and it tore at both Grizz and Becca’s hearts. Eden’s birth was not a secret, but it had been kept quiet, among those who had remained loyal to Allie and Will.

“I will not let him hurt your family okay? Becca?” Grizz looked between the two of them. There had been no time to process and yet Grizz was certain. He would lay down everything he had for the two people in front of him, and the tiny soul snoozing upstairs.

“I… I believe you.” Becca looked at Grizz, assessing him for a moment and nodding. “And both of you. Whatever this is,” She gestured between them as she signed, “I support you. I want you both to be happy.” She put her hand over the boys’ joined ones and for a moment, one moment, things felt like they would be okay. “Lets work the rest out in the morning okay? Grizz you are welcome to stay here. And Sam don’t you even think of trying to get up for Eden tonight. Rest.” Becca spoke for Grizz’s benefit as she signed.

“Thank you.” Grizz reached out and squeezed Becca’s hand briefly as she stood. She threw him a smile as she walked out into the hall way and up into her room.

Later, Grizz walked Sam upstairs to the spare room. Their eyes met and Grizz’s heart melted.

He knelt in front of Sam, cupping his face in his hands. “I understand. I forgive you. And I’m sorry you had to make that choice between me and Becca.” He spoke slowly, making sure to enunciate each word. Grizz watched with wonder as the spark flickered back into Sam’s eyes. It was small, but it was there. A smile played across his lips and Sam nodded in a way Grizz recognised. He understood what was beneath the words. Just like their first kiss. This time, Grizz leaned in, pressing his lips to Sam’s. Fire danced across Grizz’s face and a smile broke the kiss for a moment. Sam laughed quietly, kissing the corners of Grizz’s mouth.

These moments, they were what had kept Sam going. Grizz looked at him, smile still playing across his lips as he watched Sam’s eyes droop. He knew from his own experience that depression and it’s spirals were hard, sapping the energy from his soul. The house on the edge of town had held it’s secrets, and Grizz had spent most of his teenage years bringing cups of tea to his mum when she couldn’t get out of bed, keeping the house and garden going until his mother returned to the world.

He gently pushed Sam back, pulling the blankets over him. He couldn’t help but brush a gentle kiss against his forehead and his heart almost burst with the knowledge that this was okay. This kiss, it didn’t have to be a secret and it didn’t hurt anybody. He pulled away with a smile.

Good night. He signed, walking towards the door.

“Wait!” Sam’s voice called. Grizz was by his side in a heartbeat.

“I want you to stay.” His voice made Grizz’s heart squeeze. Without a word, he slid out of his jacket and shoes, pulling off layers until he was left in an undershirt and boxers. He slid into the bed and Sam found his space against his chest easily.

Grizz felt a small pressure against his throat as Sam’s came to rest there. Hesitantly, he began humming and a small sigh escaped the boy beside him. Grizz smiled, and hummed his love to sleep.

********************

I kind of planned this just ending here, but I can see space to take it further. Any advice would be appreciated!!

[ilovetowritei]

Part 2 - The Flowers

Warning for a reference to both abortion and nonconsensual sex. This is kind of my theory of Eden’s biological father, but I also think it’s important to stress that no matter who it is, Sam is the dad now. Blood means very little next to who raises you, and I truly think Sam will love that girl second only to Becca. 

********************

His phone buzzed for the fifth time under his pillow. With a sigh of resignation, Grizz pulled it out, watching an unknown number flash across the screen.

“Hello?”

“Grizz?” His heart jumped out of it’s chest at the sound of Becca’s voice.

“Oh. Um hi Becca. Look now isn’t really a great time-”

“Have you seen Sam?” Becca cut him off.

“Yeah? I saw him earlier this morning. Why are you calling me about this?” Fear had already started to bubble in Grizz’s stomach. He checked his watch. 11.43PM.

“He hasn’t come home all day. Last night, he… he got really upset. He told me about what happened on thanksgiving. About you and him, and how things had ended…” Becca’s voice trailed off and Grizz could feel the apprehension through the line. She knew. Becca knew they had been together.

“Look Becca I’m really sorry. I didn’t know about you and Sam. I didn’t know about the baby, I never would have tried to-”Grizz’s words started to tumble over themselves as he tried to explain, tried to apologise to the one person in this town who had the most to deal with.

“Grizz it’s fine. He didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

Silence.

“Becca?”

“We need to find him. Eden’s sleeping, I don’t want to leave her alone. He’s not well Grizz. He’s not coping.” Her voice broke. Grizz pulled himself out of bed, pulling on a pair of tracksuit pants with the phone wedged between his ear and shoulder.

“I’ll go. You stay there in case he comes home. I’ll call if there’s any news. And Becca?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.” He hung up before she could argue, pulling his hair up out of his face as he stomped into his boots. The temperature had continued to drop and as he turned and locked his door, Grizz could see his breath in front of his face. Curfew had been lifted in the weeks since Lexie and Harry had taken charge. And yet, Grizz found himself nervous as he stepped out into the dark. The streets might no longer be policed for late night wanderers, but he knew they were policed for a darker purpose. He had seen them out at night. Luke a few times. Jason and Clarke more. Even Campbell once. Prowling to make sure no one was plotting to take them down, no one was out trying to find the captives.

He stuck to the shadows, running quietly through the town and back to the library. He tore back the shade cloth for the second time that day, and sure enough, a pale face and shock of red hair greeted him.

“Sam?” The boy’s eyes were shut. Grizz reached out with a gloved hand, tapping his cheek. Slowly, Sam’s eyes opened. He was lying as he had been before, curled in amongst the weeds and dead flower bushes. Grizz noted offhandedly that the jacket he had left was gone, and Sam was once again lying in the cold, shivering.

“Sam what are you doing?!” Grizz yelled. But it was dark, and the deaf boy couldn’t see. He couldn’t see the fear on Grizz’s face, or the shape of his mouth as he yelled. He could just make out the silhouette he had been dreaming of, a tall man with hair in a bunch at the top of his head. He was cold. So cold. Briefly, he had thought about moving, about going home or to church or anywhere other than here. But really, he couldn’t see a point. The only place he wanted to be was here, amongst the dead flowers that reminded him of Grizz and home and the lives they had left behind.

Grizz fired off a message to Becca.

‘I have him. We’re coming.’ He slid his phone back into his pocket and then his arms beneath Sam, lifting him towards his chest. Finally Sam moved, struggling against him. Fresh pain cut through Grizz’s chest as Sam tried to escape his hold and he held him tighter. Eventually, Sam stopped, and they walked quietly through the town.

Becca heard her front door bang open and shot to her feet. In the entryway stood Grizz, face red from the cold. He looked tired, bags under his eyes and  shoulders hunching agains the world. In his arms, Sam looked small. Her best friend lay there, eyes open, staring at nothing, the rise and fall of his chest the only indication that he was alive.

“We need to warm him up.” Grizz murmured, and Becca sprang into action. She ran about the house, finding blankets and hot water bottles. Grizz walked into the living room and set Sam on his feet. Slowly, gently, he pulled the dirt smeared jeans from Sam’s legs. Becca passed the door way, about to deliver her second haul of blankets when she stopped. Grizz’s hands were tender against Sam, carefully peeling the damp clothes from his body and then wrapping him in the throw from the couch. She averted her eyes, leaving the blankets in the doorway as she went to brew some coffee.

Soon, Sam was smothered in blankets and a hot water bottle, his shivers slowing down to barely noticeable tremors. Of course, the two people opposite him noticed. For longer than he realised, they had both noticed everything about him. They had seen his beauty and his pain, the way he closed his eyes against heartache. The way he fiddled with the cuffs of his jumper when he was nervous. The kindness beneath the sarcasm. They had seen him, in a way he had barely seen himself. As a person, vulnerable, real and worthy.

“Sam? What happened?” She spoke and signed, ready to convey the conversation between two increasingly awkward men.

It’s come back. I was alright for a while. I guess seeing Campbell win, it just got me. He’s spent so long ruining my life. Now he’s going to ruin everything else. How am I supposed to protect Eden?

Grizz watched the tears flow down Becca’s face as she relayed Sam’s signs. They were too fast for him to follow, too many words he didn’t recognise.

“I’m scared for Eden too. But we are her parents. We will do anything for her.” Becca’s eyes were focussed on Sam.

“You guys aren’t in this alone,” Grizz’s voice startled Becca and she interpreted for Sam. “I will protect her too. That’s a promise.” The conviction he felt surprised himself. He noticed Sam’s eyes flick to him, then Becca and away.

“You didn’t tell him, did you?” Becca was talking just to Sam, who shook his head almost imperceptibly.

“Grizz. There’s something I want to tell you.” Sam’s hands flew into action, his head furiously shaking Whatever it was, Sam did not want this said.

“For God’s sake Sam! Stop! Grizz. Sam is Eden’s dad. Nothing will ever change that,” She paused to try to catch Sam’s eye, “But you need to know that Sam and I have never slept together. We are just friends. We have always been just friends. Do you understand what I am saying?”

Sam jumped from his seat, anger on his features as he tried to run from the room.

“Sam. Sam stop.” Grizz’s arms flew around Sam, holding him while he struggled. So focussed on clinging to the crying boy, it took him a full minute to comprehend what Becca was saying. He froze.

“Wait. You guys haven’t had sex? How did Eden..” And it clicked. It hadn’t made sense to him on Thanksgiving, that Sam hadn’t mentioned the baby. Hadn’t mentioned Becca in any romantic way. Sam wasn’t that man. He wasn’t a kiss and run kind of guy.

“Sam. Sam,” Grizz held him out just far enough to catch his eye, and the struggle stopped. “Explain to me.”

Sam looked up at him. If you’d asked him a year ago about this boy in front of him, he would have laughed. Himself with a jock? But in the past six months he’d realised that no one was quite what they seemed. “I made a promise.”

Grizz pulled him down onto the sofa. The boys sat, Sam curled in Grizz’s lap and Becca saw the comfort Sam was taking just from Grizz’s touch.

“Sam doesn’t know who the biological father of the baby is. No one does. Only I do. I was scared of what people would think of me. And Sam promised me that he would be the father. And he is. For all intents and purposes, and for the rest of her life, Sam is Eden’s dad. But he wasn’t the man who conceived her with me.

I said to Sam at the start that I never had a choice in being a mother. And I meant that. If we were back at home, I don’t think I would have had Eden. But I also meant, that even at the start, there was no choice. I didn’t get to say yes or no.” Becca’s hands stopped signing before the last sentence. She didn’t want to break Sam even further.

This time, Grizz wasn’t slow on understanding. “Oh god Becca. Oh shit. I’m so sorry.”

“Becca I know.” Sam’s voice was loud and again he struggled. “It was him.” His hand formed a C and Becca paled. “Eden looks like he did as a baby. I’m going to kill him.” Grizz could see Sam spiralling out of control, the depression of earlier in the day replaced by something Grizz had never seen on Sam before. He was losing control. Even when Grizz had screamed at him about Becca, he’d breathed through it. But now, Sam had lost control.

[ilovetowritei]

[ilovetowritei]

Part 1 - The Flowers

I don’t really know how posting on here works. I wrote this this morning, and I am writing the second part now. 

I guess a warning for mention of depression, medication and mental illness. 

I love Grizz and Sam on the Society. I think their dynamic is beautiful, and Sean Berdy and Jack Mulhern do an amazing job bringing their characters to life. I also find it highly improbable that Harry is the only one that suffers depression given their situation.

*******************

Grizz had been tending the flowers.

For six months, without help or prompting, he had been weeding and watering, pruning and coaxing the delicate little buds to life. He wasn’t really sure why he did it - it just felt like something that needed doing. The flowers might not serve a useful purpose, but they served an emotional one. They were beautiful, and a part of Grizz knew that that was enough.

He’d been back from the expedition two weeks. The shock of Allie’s blood sliding down her face still hit him every time he walked into town. His friend, the only person who had been able to step up and face the reality of this new place. He’d grown to see her as fierce, but in that moment, her pale face beneath a black beanie, she was vulnerable, a seventeen year old girl afraid of the school bullies.

Except now, they weren’t just ruling the school hallways. Lexie and Harry ruled the town, decided who did what and when. They decided, quite literally, who would live, and who would die. Grizz had moved back into his family home, isolated on the outskirts of town. He’d spent his time cleaning up his home, drawing maps to the land and mostly, trying to work out how they were going to survive.

But today was different. Something was tugging at his heart. The pain of loss was bubbling up inside him, threatening to overflow as it had been since the buses had dropped them here. So he walked to the one place he could think of where life was beautiful and simple. He walked to the gardens out behind the library, where his flowers grew.

Caught up in his thoughts, Grizz didn’t hear the heavy breaths coming from beneath the shade cloths. He didn’t notice the footprints pressed into the muddy ground. He pulled each peg from the cloth carefully and then threw the cloth back.

“Sam?! What the fuck?” Beneath the shade cloth, Sam was lying in the flower garden. Frozen weeds and dying buds were spread out beneath him. The boy looked up.

It was this look that showed Grizz that something was wrong. The last time he had seen Sam, his blue eyes had been clear, tears leaking silently from their corners. Now, lying in the garden bed, Sam’s eyes registered Grizz without comment, settling on Grizz for a moment before turning their stormy gaze back up to the clouds. No tears, but no light either.

“Sam? What are you doing?” Grizz tried again. He wasn’t looking, couldn’t read the words tumbling from his lips. Grizz felt every ounce of anger and hurt seep from his body as he nudged Sam gently. He leant over him slightly and signed.

Sam. What are you doing? The words still felt clumsy in his hands. Still, Sam registered them. His own hands rose from where they rested on his stomach, drawing pictures in the sky that Grizz couldn’t catch.

Slow down.

Sam looked at him properly for the first time. Grizz felt his eyes boring into his chest, measuring his worth. I don’t want to be here anymore.

For a moment, Grizz stood confused. “Then hop up. Go home.” But even as he spoke, a part of his heart started to shatter.

On this Earth. Living. Sam spoke the last word quietly as he signed it. Grizz’s hands went to his head, raking through his hair. Even before, Sam had always been full of life. A strong steady present in the back of the room, signing his sass to Becca and offering up sardonic grins whenever he made eye contact. Those grins had squeezed the air from Grizz’s lungs. They’d been his first indication that this was a boy he should stay away from, someone that could actually make him feel something.

This wasn’t the same boy in front of him. Sam’s body was long and thin, his hands and face pale against the rich soil. He was shivering, and Grizz noticed that there were new angles to his body. Angles that hadn’t been there… He shoved the thought from his head.

Why? Grizz was glad that his hands couldn’t betray his heart the way a crack in his voice surely would have. Tears had started to slide down Sam’s face and finally Grizz broke, reaching out to wipe them from his face. He pulled Sam up into a sitting positioning knelt down.

Why? His hands shook.

“I don’t know what to do. Allie is gone. Campbell is in charge. He’ll ruin everyone. It’s not just my life he can fuck with anymore. It’s everyones. I don’t know what I’m doing. He won’t let me go home. Won’t let me get any of my things, or any photos of us and mum and dad. He won’t even let me get my tablets.” Sam gulped.

“Tablets?”

“Medication.” Sam’s voice was soft. Grizz’s heart plummeted.

“He’s stopping you from getting your medication? For how long now?! This whole time?!” Grizz’s voice rose with anger. Sam swallowed.

“I weaned myself off of them at the start. I figured that I couldn’t keep relying on them. But it’s creeping back. I can feel it, under my skin.” Sam looked up at Grizz in desperation. He couldn’t take it any longer. Grizz reached out and took his face in his hands.

“Sam. What’s the medication for?”

D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N  Sam finger spelled the word slowly, trying to convince himself that this wasn’t some dirty secret. He’d never expressly hid it. It just wasn’t something people knew, particularly when you couldn’t communicate with them. Becca knew, had been supportive in his rough patches. But here in this new world, he didn’t know how to reach out to her. Didn’t know how to explain that despite everything changing, the sluggish feeling creeping through his veins was back.

Grizz looked at him intently for a moment. He hadn’t seen Sam properly since the goodbye. Around town he had looked hurried and tired, a sight Grizz had attributed to life with Eden. He hadn’t seen the pain in Sams gaze, the mindless working of his fingers when his brain was working overtime. He pulled Sam forward into his arms.

“I came to look at the flowers. After we got dropped here. I would come and look and they gave me hope. But then they started dying. And it felt like all the hope was gone. You were gone.” Sam’s voice cracked as he broke into sobs, body shivering against Grizz. He was wearing only a button down and jeans. Grizz shrugged out of his puffer jacket, wrapping it around Sam’s frame. A part of him smiled at the image - Sam wrapped in something of Grizz’s, swallowed by the size and warmth. An image he had dreamed of in their other lives.

You liked the flowers?

Yes. Sam watched Grizz warily.

“A garden and a library.” Grizz murmured. Two places of beauty.

“Cicero.” Grizz looked at Sam in surprise, shocked that he had remembered.

“Yeah.” Grizz watched him for a moment. “Eden right? That’s the baby’s name?”

Sam looked down at the mention of his family. Becca had noticed his slide in the last few days, settling into a routine with the baby allowing her to finally see the pain building in her friends soul. Last night he had told her, about Grizz and thanksgiving, about Grizz’s pain and the way he had left. Becca had cried with him. And then flicked his ear.

“Sam. You’re an asshole.” Sam looked at her in fear. “Why didn’t you just tell me? We could have worked this out. I wouldn’t have told everyone you were her dad-”

“NO!” Sam yelled, standing abruptly. “I am her dad. She’s mine!” Becca looked at him in shock. His face was red, tears and snot dribbling down it.

“That’s not what I meant. Of course you’re her dad. From the moment you held her, you were her dad.” She looked at him, pleading for him to understand. This was their family. She loved him, so much so that she wanted him to be happy even if it meant braving the ridicule she knew would come when people found out who the father really was. “I just want you to be happy. Tell him. Tell him and tell him if he tells anyone else I’ll kill him.” Tears streamed down her face.

“I am her father.” Sam was nothing if not stubborn. His heart was full of love for this baby.

“And you always will be. But you will also always be gay. We can’t hide that from her, or from anyone else. So tell him. You’ll always be her dad. But he deserves to know. Because one day, she will know too.” Sam looked at her and felt his heart continue to break.

“Yes. Eden.”

Beautiful.

“Grizz…” Sam wasn’t sure what to do. How to say what he wanted, needed to say.

“I get it. They’re your family.” Grizz stood, heart shattering as he wiped his nose against his sleeve. Sam was a good guy. Which meant family had to come first. “Look, I’ll find a way to get you some of that medication okay? If things are getting bad, better you have it and we work out a solution from there.” He stood and turned to walk away.

Some flowers weren’t his to tend. Sam would never, could never be his.

[ilovetowritei]

“Or maybe a person is just made up of a lot of people,” I say. “Maybe we’re accumulating these new selves all the time. Hauling them in as we make choices, good and bad, as we screw up, step up, lose our minds,

find our minds,

fall apart,

fall in love,

as we grieve,

grow,

retreat from the world,

dive into the world,

as we make things,

as we break things.”

Quote by Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

[ilovetowritei]

Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there’s a tomorrow. Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there’s only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall (via observando)

[ilovetowritei]

As always, there will be someone in my heart as i close my eyes, someone that i will see in my dreams, that will keep me anchored to this world as the rest of me struggles through unfamiliar territory.

[ilovetowritei]

[ilovetowritei]

Anonymous asked:  How do I know if he wants to be more than just friends?

(image source)

[ilovetowritei]

[ilovetowritei]

Sometimes a good laugh with friends is just what you need. For other ideas on how to be there for a friend in need, visit www.StopBullying.gov.

[ilovetowritei]

Christmas!

[ilovetowritei]

It’s always good to do a bit of light reading under a table. Completely normal. Yes bird.