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[im-a-femalerebel]

I wanted to talk about my ex girlfriend

l had a friend from Twitter for a while. When I was single (that means five months after I started to see her), I realized I had a lil’ crush on her. And, I knew it was not possible. She was polyamourous, I was monogamous, willing for a passionate relationship and a really close partner, at the opposite of her projets. But one night I told her. And we slept together, and kissed, and shared sweet words. And then she told me I could be like her, living different love stories at the same time. I read articles, watched videos about the subject, to understand how it works, that it really existed. I tried, for real. But then I cried, for a long time. It became even more difficult because a friend who was also a sexfriend was one of her lovers. There were jealousy, tensions, a lack of communication in all of this. We spent the week end all together, a few days after I began to date her, so It was really harsh. I think I have never been this anxious in my entire life. 

My girlfriend had a strange way to treat my depression. She told me she gave a name to my brain, so that she can insult my depression when I talk. It was like “shut up brain”. And it felt like “shut up you” and it was really toxic. She also told me my depression explained the fact I’m monogamous, meaning polyamory was for everyone. I felt really bad, it felt like I had to change something I could not control, and in a really violent way. I needed to be reassured.

Also, there were no rules. I knew all the private life of her lovers as she had no limit. I did not want to know so many things, first because when I was with her, I would like it to be our moment and also, because it was really intrusive and sometimes I even had the felling her lovers were my friends without even knowing them. Otherwise, she also had this thing to stay all day on her phone talking to her lovers, leaving me alone. When I explained this to her, she told me it was her way to function, no negociation possible.

There was also the fact the told me anything she did in bed with X or Y or whoever, that I did not want to know. And surprising, it was always heterosexual sex. She never spoke with me about lesbian sex (which was suppose to be our purpose as a lesbian couple, lol). She told me her libido was skyrocketting, and the also loved to feed this image online, whereas she did not tried anything with me. So, one day, I finally asked her “Is there a problem?”. And she got angry, and said I should not blame her on her libido, that is was oppressive, which was not at all my intentions.

She also changed plans whenever she liked. We were suppose to go at the Pride together, like our first lesbian couple activity, but I learned on Twitter she did something else with a friend who mentionned her in a tweet. Then I told her about this, and she replied “Oh sorry I wanted to tell you but I knew you would be angry”, which actually got me even more angry. Another time, one week after, she promised me to go to a birthday party of a friend, so that she could meet two of my friends. She was supposed to go with me and then stay at my home for two days. On the D day, she first avoided my question when I asked her if she was coming saying “she was tired” without answering. Then told me a few hours later “I’m leaving”. And I said “at your home?”. She said “Yes”. I said “I’ll miss you”. She did not reply until the evening, when she wrote me a long message telling me she was tired and it had nothing to do with me. It was not the fact that it was tired that got me upset this day, it was the fact she was telling it really late, as she could change my plans anytime she wanted. 

Then I posted a tweet the day after “I used to don’t understand people who don’t believe in love, now I’m starting to understand”. And she got angry and sent me a message “Glad to hear it’s over via Twitter”. Then I begin to tell her she was not there for me. She told me I was wrong, that it was the opposite. And then she broke up, repeating I was “out of the realities”. It took it as a nice reference to my depression. But, for real, I was lucid about this relationship, do not call me an idiot. 

Just after she left me, she posted on her public account on Twitter “Beware, people who do not question themselves, it smells”. It knew it was about me, obviously, and that people will ask about this, and know all of this, and I’d be alone again. Then I started to have an obsession about Twitter. I was checking everyday if our friends in common unfollowed me, or even blocked me. And unfortunately, it was happenning. I felt so bad. 

I had and still have a private account on Twitter, where I was only 30 close people so I could share my thoughts. After the break up, I felt really bad and posted some things about my feelings. I felt broke, not lovable, transparent, empty. 

But then, a friend in common who followed this account started to tell my ex about what I was posting, even exaggerating my words. I learned about this because I heard people were coming to talk to my ex to ask her what happenned. 

One day, she posted a really passive agressive tweet, which sounded like a critic of a tweet I posted fifteen minutes ago, so it was really strange. I panicked and posted “omg she is gonna put everyone against me”. Five seconds after, she called me on the phone. I did not respond, then I did five minutes later. She was crying. She was saying she did mistakes in our relationship, and I was, with my tweets, trying to put everybody against her (but wtf it was a private account with 30 people, they tweeted about me to 1500 people). Then we talked together again, it was quite peaceful. 

And one day, she blocked me from Facebook, the friend who told her about my tweets did, my ex’s lover did too. No explanation. 

I became close to her ex girlfriend, which was already a friend before all of this happenned. We shared our experience about her and found some common points in the relationships we had with her : a lack of communication, organization and a lot of information about the other lovers. I felt less alone. However, when my ex learned about my friendship with her ex, she got mad and told her I was a bad person, that I judge people on polyamory, I was toxic... My friend did not believe her and we are still really close friends now. 

But during all summer I thought about this story, and talked about it with my psychiatrist who told me she manipulated me, and I believe her. 

Then in September, I was talking with a friend on Twitter I have not met IRL yet, but we are close. She told me that after the break up my ex sent her a message to tell her I was toxic. I was really mad as it related to the fear of abandoning I went through all summer. I tweeted “I just learned my ex girlfriend told people we did not even met I was toxic, Idk when I have to call her out as a manipulative person”. 

A few days after, I connected to Twitter and lost fifty followers, then sixty, then one, and one, and one. I first did not understand anything at all. I saw a post in my timeline saying “we can not trust people about their virtual image, be careful”. And I pictured everything in thirty seconds.

I went on my second account, tapped my name, and saw “dangerous”, “toxic”, “ unfollow her”, “I didn’t know she was toxic, thanks”. I was having  phonecall with a friend while discovering all this, so I could not try to harm myself or whatever. There was a thread of tweets published on my ex’s lover account about my “toxic behaviour”. It was told I opressed my ex because I was monogamous and did not try to adapt. It was told I manipulated her because I reproached her to do not have sex for me, which was not true. His lover also put some arguments such as the fact I had suicidal thoughts and I was dangerous and the fact I sent him unwanted nudes, which is also false because we shared some at the same time. The other nudes I sent were to my ex when we were together, as we sexted sometimes. But she never told me she was uncomfortable and always pretended to like it, so I do not understand. 

Well, here you can see my long story. Maybe the worst I lived. Maybe the one I’m still going through now, discovering each day who blocked you like and Advent calendar. 

My mental health does not permitt me to explain about this in public on Twitter, as I am already really, really hurt. 

As I met my ex in the feminist sphere of Twitter, I do not go anymore to the IRL events nearby, I am too afraid to see her, or her friends, and hear them saying I am dangerous in public. 

here is the story of a bisexual girl who had her first lesbian relationship. It lasted one month, no more, but hurted me forever. 

[im-a-femalerebel]

welcome

hi, 

idk realy what the point of this, but maybe this will be a fresh new start. 

I need a place to share my thoughts, my feelings and maybe find strangers who relate to this, so here I am. 

I want to be anonymous here, in order to be as free as possible in my words. The most important thing you’ll have to know is that I’m an artist and I’m a young adult beginning to cope with life. 

I’ve been living in my own flat for three months and sometimes it is quite difficult, but overall I manage it pretty well. 

I’ve been depressive for nine months. I used to see a psychiatrist but now I decided to see a psychologist once a week, cause I was tired to take pills to avoid my demons. 

My first love broke up with me at the beginning of spring. We had a relationship for more than one year. We used to phonecall each night, I told him all my feels and he was there for me. He broke up for different reasons but there was a crisis because he did a sexist joke and as a feminist, I didn’t accept this. Then he felt attacked as “he could not laugh as he would like to with me”. Ah. ah. 

Then, I felt I could die, for real. I was alone. Not really had close friends, problems with family... And I got close to a few people for Twitter, who became my friends, and became even more for ones.

It spent all my summer trying to get close to people, then loose then, then being with other ones, and again... No one wants a depressive friend, you know. How harmful is it to hear that someone wants to die, meaning their happinness does not depend on you? I’m not sure it is as painful to really feel alone, empty, lifeless but people have ego and ego does not understand these deep feels, I guess.