im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Being on DNI sucks so bad like. I don’t want people to talk to me but I’m so so so lonely and the only people I’m ok with are busy or playing Deltarune but I don’t have Deltarune and my best friend is talking to the people I’m avoiding and this all sucks and I hate it I hate being lonely

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Self fulfilling prophecy.

I will never be happy. I will never be satisfied. I will never get out. I crawl back every time and I know I shouldn’t but I do and I do and I do and I do again and again attempt after attempt because maybe they improved maybe it will be better.

Maybe it’s all pointless.

I’m not anything anymore.

I am but I’m not I’m going insane slowly. I want to grab the nearest item and tear it to shreds I want to go home and cry in bed. I want to be someone who is not cursed I want to be normal. Why do I always come back and do the same things over and over and over. The fool. That’s what I am. The fool.

Why do I even try anymore.

It doesn’t matter.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Fuck I’m losing my mind I feel like I’m actively dying. I need to go through with this but I can’t.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

When you meet someone so hateful they inspire you to be nicer or however that one image goes

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

I am goinh. To die. And throw up. Heart rate 150. Panic attack. Aughhuhgghhghgghhgggggg let me go hooooooooooome

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Kind of considering killing myself but not in the panicked desperate way. Moreso in like. I don’t think I want to live. I don’t think I want to be alive. This world is beautiful, but my place in it is so minuscule. Humans who aren’t people force all their useless rules and nonsense onto you and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being a good little girl. I want to spill my blood on the floor and fade into the nonexistence I crave. I don’t have to live up to their idea of me if the idea of me ceases to exist. I don’t have to be here anymore. Nothing is stopping me but the fear of pain, honestly. Maybe the last of my survival instincts clinging to false rationale. It is better to cease to exist. The atoms that make up my body can rot away and nobody has to think about this anymore. I don’t have to wake up every day in agony. I don’t have to slog through every waking minute and fear in every dream. I can end this. I could if I wasn’t afraid. I have to accept the pain, don’t I? Embrace it. Then we can end this together. This is it. This is what I want. This is my happy ending.

Of course, it would be if I wasn’t afraid of pain. Or if my survival instincts would let go like I want them to. I don’t think I’m afraid of dying anymore. I’ll embrace it like I embrace life. I want to live, but not in this world, and if I don’t want that then I have to die. It’s that simple.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

i miss you. I miss you so fucking much. i can't wait 11 more months. please come back. please let me be an exception. i miss you so fuckin bad.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Would anyone notice if I disappeared? If I stopped showing up to school and stopped coming online? If I just died so I could finally have some peace and quiet?

God

Why did they make me like this?

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

oh my god im so fucking bad at talking people down now how was i good at this before. i cant fuckin do this man

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

My mom is being a fucking bitch I don’t wanna go somewhere I feel like shit today because I sss up til 5 on mouthwashinf ugh. Fuckin bitch . I can’t explain to her that I was up so late I feel so terrible rn I hate her so much

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

JUSt looked at my grades and hooooohuhh i fell off. i am so fucked. i'm not comprehending the material and i'm doing bad in everything and all i want to do lately is sleep.

i cant do it anymore man. i'm just done.

i'm not even alive when im at school. I just exist.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Do you ever want to reach out for help but can't bring yourself to?

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

I feel SO guilty for being white. I’m well off compared to all my friends. I’m a little white girl. If I mask hard enough and take all my meds then I’m a neurotypical little white girl who might be a little weird but does that really matter? It’s just. Augh. Fuck. Just. Fuck. I don’t like that I’m going to be spared by this horrible man. Is this survivor’s guilt? It should be me? It shouldn’t be them? It should be me? Fuck man it IS. God. Idek anymore.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Ugh. Fought so hard but being in history class with this stupid teacher is making me kind of wanna kill myself. I don’t want to but if I have to listen to his stupid voice I might let a thought slip in

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

Those moments of clarity are the most terrifying things I’ve ever experienced. The moments where the exhaustion fades and I can think. It’s horrible. Nobody here understands how horrible it is. I’m so hungry and I refuse to eat because delirium is the only way I can stay stable. I have to be strong because nobody else is going to be. I have to be. My weight to bear. My weight to bear.

[im-about-to-lose-it-i-am-done]

i think i unlocked the will to live. i certainly hope it will survive when i am off my antidepressants because we won't be able to afford them.