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Ranking: The "Scream" Franchise

My ranking of every film in the Scream franchise. More to come.

6. Scream 5 (2022)

I’m sorry, but I do not get the hype. And I’m calling it Scream 5. 

Now I will say first, the Scream franchise has made all of its success on the unfolding of its soap-opera-esque plots: the psychopath boyfriend, the vengeful mother, the secret Hollywood past and illegitimate child - this is just what Scream does. But the fifth installment cut the knife a bit too deep, so to speak. 

Let’s start with the opening scene, which I will admit I don’t have a fully formed opinion on just yet. The film made the questionable decision to spare its victim of the supposed “first kill.” Perhaps if I liked the rest of the movie a bit more I would feel better about it, but it wound up getting lost in a mix of creative decisions that couldn’t be saved even by the series’ own innate tackiness. Part of me thinks I may be conflating this with Drew Barrymore’s first (technically second) kill in movie number one. The genius ploy behind this was to market the widely-popular Barrymore as the lead of the movie to draw in viewers, only to end up killing her off in the first fifteen minutes. And maybe this is my qualm with the decision to spare Ortega. She too is having her flowering moment in the spotlight, so perhaps I see it as a weak decision to pander to her fanbase like they did. Nonetheless, I do have some good things to say: in accordance to its own rules of horror movies, each installment of the franchise must get bigger and bloodier, and this is something that the first scene did just right. Jenna Ortega got her ass KICKED (her poor hand!)…and then proceeded to kick ass…so let’s give her some credit, as well as some to the creators for giving us such an action-packed scene. 

Now let’s cut into the meat - probably my biggest gripe with the film…the bastard child of Billy Loomis: Sam Carpenter. Don’t get me wrong, I like her as a character, but I can’t deny her likability was weighed down by such an unnecessary background plot. It brought a vibe with it, like that Debbie Downer sketch on Saturday Night Live. Not to mention the writers reached to the heavens to pull off this lore. So you mean to tell me at sixteen years old, Billy Loomis was indoctrinated by Roman Bridger, plotted and committed the murder of Maureen Prescott, then carried out a mass murder of his own friends the next year, and somewhere along the way also had a baby with another student at their high school? Interesting. Like I said before, this is what Scream is known for, but something about it felt so unwitting and was overall very poorly executed. And now they have no choice but to double down and carry on with the story. 

Now you’ve heard my gripe about our first victim, Tara, surviving. And you know I haven’t fully accepted Sam into the Scream family with open arms…so what happens now that they are at the forefront of this story? Something about the two of them feels so…crowded. Like they’re attempting to toss the Sydney Baton back and forth as a way to usher in a new generation of legacy characters. But lest we forget we have spent four whole movies tormented by the potential fates of our OG legacy characters, so I’m not too thrilled being handed off to a group of strangers who I don’t care enough about yet. When you are making decisions three movies ahead of yourself, you risk losing out on the unpredictability of life, real and movie. 

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Okay, let’s talk about it now. You know exactly who I mean: Sheriff Judy Hicks…and, yes, our beloved Dewey as well. I said it mere sentences ago, we have spent years with this franchise speculating when we’d inevitably lose one or more of our legacy characters. And I hate to say that it was completely necessary to let one of the big ones go in this movie. 

We’ll start with Judy. For only appearing in Scream 4 and 5, I have to say this one was a little heartbreaking. Had they let her go in the fourth, we wouldn’t have known her long enough to really care. But seeing her thriving as the newly promoted sheriff in the fifth film evoked a love for her I never knew I had. Hicks was arguably the most innocent character in the series, so it was a bit shocking how the deaths of her and her son unfolded. To me, these kills had a darkness to them that we haven’t yet seen in Ghostface (you know, besides the dozens of other brutal murders committed over the last thirty years). But truly, something about how unsuspecting they were, the cruelness of Ghostface taunting Judy on the phone, the surprise attack at the door, and the painful death of her son, idk man it just made me sad face. I wanted to like it, truly. I appreciate when a film can make me feel sour. There’s an art to it. But similarly to how I felt about the opening scene, the rest of the movie simply overshadowed its most promising moments. 

And then there was Dewey, our awkward knight in armor. I’m not going to say he shouldn’t have died. One of the big three needed to, and I would be a bit more fearful for the future of the series if it had ended up being Gale or Sydney. I just can’t say I appreciate the way they did it. Maybe I’m going back on my words literally one paragraph ago, but this moment made me sour. And I only feel that because Dewey was a much more historic character to this franchise, that he should have died with some dignity. Instead, he died alone, on the hospital floor (where tf was the staff?), as the long-lost love of his life rang for him, not knowing she would never speak to him again. What a shame. I have more to say about this after a certain event in the sixth movie takes place, so we’ll get to that later. 

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Now that I’ve read this film to filth, let’s talk about the things I did like, sort of: Amber Freeman’s reveal. “I’m not the fucking killer,” Liv cries. Then, raising the gun to her head, Amber replies with a smirk on her face, “I know,” and WHAM! What a powerful moment. Truthfully, the only powerful moment of the entire film. Even so, the killers in this one were nearly the least impressive of the franchise, a bit too on-the-nose. Especially following Emma Roberts’ legendary reveal in the previous film, who’s insane plot to beat herself to a pulp and guise herself as a victim was the most insane we’ve ever seen a Ghostface. Amber honestly felt like the little sister trying to fit into her big sister’s shadow. She was sloppy and impulsive. And Richie did not help to compensate for that. In fact, his performance has been the least memorable of the franchise to me. And back to Amber, why are they always setting that poor girl on fire? 

I digress. I’m sad to say, I’ve never been disappointed by a Scream installment like I was with number five. I accept it, I will live with it, but I’m gonna be mad about it! But on the bright side, everything from here can only look up. 

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scream ranking coming soon

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Review: Bodies, Bodies, Bodies (2022)

I have to admit, first and foremost, that this movie humbled the pretentious film snob in me. I am far too often going into films assuming the worst in them, and this one in particular swept the rug from under my legs because WOW was I entertained. 

I’m not sure what it was…The promotion of the movie appeared like any other teen slasher - and not the classic type with the first kill, masked killer, and a shower scene, but the much-more-modern, Gen Z, meme-infused slasher flick that will probably leave you confused if you don’t know what Tik Tok or body dysmorphia are - it was on par with every other film for young adults with a Twitter account. And while I always support the points at heart, these new tropes can easily seem obnoxious, belabored, and a bit too intentional. This is what I was expecting in Bodies, Bodies, Bodies.

Alas, such as I said, I have once again been proven wrong. Even more to the fact that this movie did employ the same tropes I was just criticizing. But hey, good writing is good writing. 

The film follows a group of college students sheltering from a storm in their friend’s unsupervised mansion. We’re introduced to the black sheep of the group, accompanied by her stranger girlfriend, as she reconnects with her old friends following her latest stint in rehab. We quickly learn about the toxic dynamic between them all, who truly have a deep-seeded hatred towards each other fueled by insecurity and addiction. Their plan for the night is to drink, smoke, and sniff until the storm passes, until one of them suggests they play a murder mystery game, “Bodies, Bodies, Bodies” (ooo they said it!). 

So the story goes, the storm gets worse, the lights go out, and one of the friends ends up dead. The rest is a string of gruesomely unserious events as the group tries to stay alive long enough to find out who’s killing them.

The action is bloody, jokes are pulpy, and we are given all around great performances from the entire cast. My personal vote for MVP goes to Rachel Sennott, who I had not yet seen in a movie, and whew! that girl is going places. In between the lines of her performance you can see her natural whit and perfect comedic timing. I'm calling it now she'll be in a movie with Timothée Chalamet by 2025.

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Ultimately, there was one moment that tied the entire movie together for me, the moment that made realize what a great film it was, which was the final scene that revealed the killer, or "killer." What I did not expect from this seemingly simple whodunnit was to discover that nobodyreallydidditt. The first victim accidentally killed himself making a Tik Tok, three of them were subsequently killed in very arguable forms of self defense, and then there was that one girl who literally just tripped and died - the dumbest most genius plot twist that I can't personally say has been done yet (fact check this).

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Well, the credit is due and the flowers are owed. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie and would recommend it to my younger, more online friends, which is why, in my complete and subjective opinion, I rate this film a 3.5/5.

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Review: Ma (2019)

Another movie I put off for too long because I just assumed it was bad. But since it dropped in 2019, I���ve seen a handful of memes arise and a small cult following born and decided to give Octavia Spencer in a Will Byers Bob (WBB) a fair chance.

My initial reaction remained on theme with the number of assumingely-bad movies that have left me pleasantly surprised this year. In all, the framework of the movie was a bit cheap, but had the advantage of pulling a cast of notable actors like Spencer, Juliette Lewis, and even the small appearance of Allison Janney, who were quite obviously looking to do something a bit campy (loosely) and mediocre (no offense), or maybe owed a favor to director Tate Taylor (idk). 

And to put an end to my condesendingly back-handed compliments, I reiterate my original point that I really did enjoy my time watching the film. It follows a group of party-hungry teens looking to…well, party, and amid the hunt meet a quirky older woman who we eventually come to know as Ma (Spencer). We follow her in a desperate attempt to get the popular kids to like her by supplying them with alcohol and inviting them to her home as a safe spot to imbibe. She does this to compensate the torment she endured as a teen having never been accepted by the popular kids, who we also get to meet in this film in their adult lives as the parents of the children who have been seduced by Ma’s generosity.

Surprise, surprise, as we progress through the movie we come to find that the tormented Ma has wound up a bit of a sociopath, and revealed her true intentions to be a vengeful plot against those who made her life so miserable.

The plot itself felt like it was spat out of an AI generator, but there's something about tacky movies taking themselves so seriously so as to inspire an ironic pity from the audience. At the end of the day, you have to respect someone who commits to the bit, and this movie surely did that, bobs and all.

The performances and writing were carried by our previously mentioned red carpet alums supported by a cast of first-timers and C-listers. I’d also like to give a personal shoutout to Missi Pyle who has remained a familiar face throughout her career and is always sure to make me laugh.

In all, not only did I like the movie, but I would also suggest it to a group of friends looking for a few cheap laughs, which is why, in my complete and subjective opinion, I rate this film a 3.5/5.