imdonefor

[imdonefor]

i have more tests tomorrow.

i am so fucking exhausted and i don't even know why.

is it my legs? is it the constant ache in them? is it my head? did the years of being hit on it by my friends finally catch up to me? is it sleep deprivation? is it my medicine?

i can't hold my breath for longer than 10 seconds without getting light headed and dizzy. i used to be able to hold it for a minute, no problem.

im pushing my friends away again. ive done it before. it always ends in silently disappearing from their life and trying to not look back.

i can barely keep my eyes open yet when i go to bed i never fall asleep before 1am.

there's so much i want to do but my anxiety keeps me from doing it. i'd love to go to a restaurant alone with a friend but my throat goes dry every time i try to talk to someone in public. i'd love to go out in the forest and be loud and have fun with my friends but the idea, the fear, of a stranger seeing us makes me taste vomit.

i wake up earlier and earlier cause when i wake up i can't fall back asleep.

i avoid looking at myself in mirrors cause that's not me. i don't know who that is but it's not me. this isn't me.

the 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭 me goes to the library and reads or studies. she hangs out with her friends every time they ask to do so. she may even ask herself. she goes to restaurants and orders herself. she doesn't hesitate too much when she wants to buy something for herself. she doesn't feel guilty about buying stuff for herself that makes her happy. she does sports and exercises and takes care of herself, and her legs doesn't ache. maybe she dyes her hair.

but that's not really the real me, is it?

that's the ideal me.

and it's sad that the ideal me is just a functioning human who enjoys life somewhat.

i don't even know if i want that.

it's been so long since ive felt genuine happiness and i think ive gotten used to whatever this feeling is.

i don't know if I want to get better.

i don't know what better is.

(Edit b4 I post: read the tags before interacting)

[imdonefor]

*posts shitty post*

aight this is it bye now

*fucking explodes*

[imdonefor]

[imdonefor]

what impulse was saying here wasn't what made me spit my water everywhere and have a 1 minute coughing fit, but rather skizz's reaction to it. my chest hurts.

[imdonefor]

i clocked nicole so quickly in the latest Shayne Guesses because the first thing i saw was the trans flag and nicole's a transfem queen (who i adore). get rekt shayne i am better than you now (i am not)

[imdonefor]

BEHOLD

the void

[imdonefor]

[imdonefor]

current mood:

[imdonefor]

started to write down fics ive finished reading + their word count.

400k+ words. And that number is growing very fast.

I started using ao3 properly in like, late January-early February.

How??? I'm impressed with myself. But also I should get a life lowkey.

[imdonefor]

forever missing the goat

[imdonefor]

anyone got any (no smut) drarry fic recs? my friend rlly likes them lol

[imdonefor]

hehe im in school :3

[imdonefor]

ok is it alright to listen to a podfic if one of the main characters turned out to be icky irl? not saying any names and not tagging anything. but ickyyy. i think it's cool? especially since i listened to the podfic before we knew about the icky and since it doesn't support the person or said icky.

[imdonefor]

older sibling just showed me an amangela edit

ive infected their phone and they aren't happy about it

i have the power

first my sister, now my sibling's twitter

yay

[imdonefor]

man their communication is better than mine and the only thing they've said is drunk and platonic love you's. im listening to jimmy buffett as well cause why the fuck not.

[imdonefor]

another day (technically not since my last posts cause they were after midnight) another fanfic (it's been sitting in my bookmarks since before i acquired the account but it looks good so im still reading it)

[imdonefor]

i could see tyat being me /neg