imighthavetheanswer - Tumblr blog

[imighthavetheanswer]

[imighthavetheanswer]

another Creature again. this time for spring.

[imighthavetheanswer]

Turns out we've had cognitively impairing levels of CO2 in our house. If you work from home, make sure to crack a window or open a window for at least a little bit of the day. It's already making a huge difference in our mood and comfort.

[imighthavetheanswer]

Yeah, a 100% straight guy wore a Brony shirt to school. I just became 20% cooler.

[imighthavetheanswer]

“too bad the creator is [bad]” okay but when you say that is it “JKR is transphobic” levels of understatement or is it “Rebecca Sugar is a nazi apologist” levels of garbage from someone’s mind McMansion

[imighthavetheanswer]

babe stop armchair diagnosing people you dont like with psychopathy or npd we're gonna go play in the paddock ok??? come play in the paddock with us

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Adds "power dynamic" to the shelf of words tumblrinos can't use until they sign a binding affidavit stating they've read multiple accredited sources to learn what it means first.

[imighthavetheanswer]

couples costume idea: madonna/whore complex

[imighthavetheanswer]

i let them hit because they were honest about their intentions and created a healthy, open line of communication between us that made me feel safe and secure enough to let them see me in one of my most vulnerable states

[imighthavetheanswer]

How do I stop feeling it'd be easier to stomach if my relationship with my father was worse?

I'm assuming you're saying this in reference to my last question about whether you should talk to your dad?

This is such an interesting question, and I can feel the pain in its asking, though of course that could be projection. I hear some unsaid things. "He's not that bad." "He hasn't hurt me that badly." "It's not like he was ABUSIVE" or "He was abusive, sure, but like, it's not a big deal that's just who he is."

In other words, are you saying that you kinda feel guilty for not liking the guy? Consider that this is still your heart's way of sending you a message.

If your dad was really bad at telling jokes, and liked dorky stuff, and was silly, but loved you without hesitation and made you feel safe and cared for, you wouldn't be writing me. If he had the WORST taste in music, but consistently took you seriously when you raised issues, and even when you disagreed, tried not to make you feel like a stupid child, you wouldn't be writing me. If he is loving and safe, but not "fun" he would still be your dad.

I'm guessing the opposite is true. I'm guessing your dad can be charming, and funny. Or maybe he's just distant, but not in a specifically mean way. Or maybe he can just be unpredictable. He makes you feel okay some days and just crazy and unhappy others. Or the fights are wild.

Either way, you don't just dislike your dad for silly, frivolous reasons. He leaves you feeling disconnected, disrespected, or just cold. You could be a chum with him if he was a coworker, or an uncle, but he's not. He's your dad. He's failed to offer consistent safety, or take ownership for mistakes he's made.

The fact that you're writing me is the answer you need. It's also possible to love him and not like him. If so, you can make different choices as well about what you owe him, or don't, based on your values, resources and capacity.

[imighthavetheanswer]

You know what I think a lot of people don’t realize about grooming is that, the person will almost always start pushing your boundaries in little, non-sexual ways.

For example, one big thing a person who groomed me did was joke about killing and eating my dog. She knew I love my dogs like they’re my children, and I’d told her those “jokes” made me uncomfortable. But she kept doing it. The same joke over and over again; it wasn’t even funny (“I believe all god’s creatures have a place…next to the potatoes”). At first I pushed back, but then it got to a point where I got tired of resisting and treated like I was stiff and couldn’t take a joke. So I relented on that boundary.

That alone might seem insignificant and dumb, but with groomers, as soon as they break down one boundary they’ll immediately start trying to break down another. And each little one they break, the more they get you used to letting them violate you to the point where you’re afraid to speak up against the bigger things.

So especially if you’re a younger person on the internet, never ignore when someone is making you uncomfortable especially if they’re much older. Even if it seems like a silly, insignificant thing. They know what they’re doing, and it’s important to stay safe.

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My mom was the most anxious human being I've ever known, with the cleanest house I've ever been in, short of a professionally cleaned model home or whatever. She also never thought it was clean. Because it's kinda all about perspective!

This can be disheartening, but it can also be framed as well, that's life, we aren't ever done, we are just always taking steps to do better or feel better as best we can. That might mean skipping folding laundry so at least the laundry is clean, or it might mean vacuuming every day because it helps you feel calm and peaceful.

Really, trying to find and sit in a comfortable present is the goal, I think, not finding an end point of success.

i hate being an adult because no matter how hard you try your house is never ever ever ever ever clean

[imighthavetheanswer]

Why should I talk to my dad again?

There is actually only one answer to this question, but you'll see in a moment why it takes some clarification and nuance to not come off as flip and ridiculous.

Because you want to.

That's the only real answer you need, but as you can probably already see, that's hardly simple, is it?

There's any number of reasons to want to never speak to your father again. Maybe he hurt you, repeatedly, over and over, and never once acknowledged it. Maybe he's hurt you, and acknowledged it, but keeps hurting you, despite knowing that you are hurt. Maybe it was one big, tremendous, overwhelming hurt. The kind that a relationship can't come back from without a tremendous amount of work. Maybe he hurt someone you loved dearly.

Maybe you don't want to talk to him again. Then you do have your answer. You just want to hear that this is okay. I am telling you, yes, it is okay. It is okay to not ever want to see or hear from him ever again.

However, the reality is that I have known people with stories about their father's that would completely shock most anyone who heard them. The kind of anecdotes that stop parties dead, and silence the awkward coworker who wonders what you're doing for Father's day. People who ask me this question don't just have awkward dads, or cold dads, or weird dads. They have Dads, tm, the kind psychology and literature alike is built on top of like so many bones in a mausoleum.

But, again, why should you talk to him? Because, maybe, despite that, you still want to.

That's okay. You're allowed to want to talk to your dad. Of course you are. He's your dad. Chances are good he's the only one you have. Or at least the only one of that type (biological, adopted, caregiver, real, fake, step, grandfather who fathered, and everything in between) that you will ever have.

The questions you also must answer for yourself are:

Can I be safe around him, materially, if I reach out? Do I have my own financial resources, or home, etc, to care for myself regardless of what he says and does?

Do I have other people who can support me if/when he fails me again?

Have I set reasonable expectations for what he can offer me? If he never takes ownership of what he's done, can that be okay? There's no right or wrong here, it's just an important question to answer.

Am I doing this for myself, or for someone else? Sometimes mom wants us to talk to dad, or a sibling does. Is it safe to humor them? Can you set boundaries with that sibling or other parent, such as "I will talk to him as long as he doesn't deadname me?" or "I will be happy to go out for a meal, but I won't stay the night at your house?" If they respect that, that can be a great sign that it can work out well enough.

Now, you didn't ask me about setting boundaries around such a thing, that's awhole other conversation, but needless to say consider if you want to see him in person, or phone, or text. Or on a vacation you're meant to enjoy versus a visit that is more akin to business and work? This can be an errand, talking to dad, but much like cleaning a toilet it might still be worth it at the end.

So, asker (who may or may not be me, gotta start somewhere!) yes, you can talk to your dad if you want to. It's okay not to want to.

Ask me a question, if you'd like

[imighthavetheanswer]

i support mpreg but more importantly i support mabortion

[imighthavetheanswer]

Reblog if you support asexuals and aren’t a COWARD

RB if your blog is a safe, accepting space for asexuals!